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Dark days. Emotionally weepy. A mum to be: only 2 days in!

(23 Posts)
Dobedobedoo Mon 20-May-13 22:49:56

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rosiedays Mon 20-May-13 22:58:40

I could have written that list in December. Now I can't wait to meet my little girl. All a very normal set of emotions. But the choice is of course yours. Good luck x

Fairylea Mon 20-May-13 23:05:36

I could have written that list 10 years ago. Then I had dd.

And then I could have written it again 11 months ago. Then I had ds.

I'd say it's fairly common to feel this way. It's a massive life change. Of course it's scary.

But I wouldn't change my dc for the world. It's hard at times of course but the positives for me have been more than the negatives.

moonblues Mon 20-May-13 23:09:26

I'm pregnant with my 3rd dc, very much wanted and planned and I also had the fear of how I was going to cope, worry how it would affect the kids I already have, how I would ever afford it, what it would do to my career.
I think it was partly due to the mad hormone swirl that your body goes into when you get pregnant, and though I'm still a bit worried how we'll afford another child I am now very happy and feel much calmer.
Give yourself a chance and a bit of time to see how you feel.

gertrudestein Mon 20-May-13 23:19:29

I wish more people acknowledged how difficult the first stages of pregnancy can be. I was absolutely terrified, spent most of the first few weeks (which lasted forever) both consumed by fear that I was going to harm the baby and convinced the pregnancy was a mistake and wishing there was a way out.

Can you talk honestly to your dp? Or if not, a good non judgemental friend?

Dobedobedoo Tue 21-May-13 06:23:40

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gertrudestein Tue 21-May-13 09:09:48

One thing I really regret doing is not telling a couple of trusted friends earlier. I was ashamed of how I felt, and dp didn't want to tell anyone till after the 12 week scan. But in fact, when I spoke to people it made me feel a lot better. I chose two people (neither live close by any more, because they moved away to have kids, but I called them up) - one school friend with 2 kids, happy suburban life etc., and one old uni friend who had just had an unplanned baby, and who I knew was just as ambivalent about having kids as I was. That was at about 10/11 wks - and I really wish I had spoken to them earlier! My school friend said, 'congratulations!' and that was the first time I had thought that it could even be construed as good news .... My uni friend told me how she had felt when she found out she was pregnant, and I realised I wasn't alone.

Good luck x

rosiedays Tue 21-May-13 09:28:59

gertrude your SOOO right, it can be really tough and lots of people just don't get that.
great advice. I told 1 friend who knew me very well and was Pg with her 2nd. she was so excited for me it was like a glimmer of light. she spoke sence and reason to me. I also contacted an ex boss who was an amazing (olympic medal winning) working Mum. she told me to 'woman up' and 'get a grip' LoL which i also needed to here.
dode how does it feel 3 days in?? Oh congratulations BTW flowers

RJM17 Tue 21-May-13 11:26:47

I think 99% of people who get pregnant feel like this!!
I have always wanted to be a mum but wasn't trying at the minute as we had things we wanted to do first. And when I found out I firstly didn't believe the doctor and went into complete denial! Then I just cried constantly!!
But now....... Well now I cannot wait to have my baby and I am so excited!!!
Please don't feel bad about feeling like this its a massive change and a lot to get your head around especially in two days. I didn't tell anyone other than DH for a week whilst I worked it out in my own head.
Good luck and congrats xx

Dobedobedoo Tue 21-May-13 18:53:34

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Kelly1814 Tue 21-May-13 19:32:34

Dobedo, you are not alone and as others have said once you talk to people, many are honest and have felt the same.

I am 20 weeks and still occasionally feel sick to my stomach with fear....I have never even held a baby much less looked after one full time....not massively maternal....I am assured that it all comes with time!

WeeS Tue 21-May-13 21:10:05

I felt like this in the beginning. I found the whole change of lifestyle really hard too. Quite often I felt really angry with DP because it was me having to go through with it & his life was unchanged. I was also convinced that I'd end up really fat & that he'd run off with someone else.
But in fact, especially after the 12 week mark, I have loved being pregnant!! smile
I really hope you start to feel a bit better & I'm sure you will, just give it time.
Oh, and congratulations smile

Dobedobedoo Tue 21-May-13 21:13:25

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WeeS Tue 21-May-13 21:20:42

Yeah I did the same with DP. He got quite annoyed at me & I thought 'well that'll be because he knows I'm onto him!!' ... When it was really because I was being totally irrational & ridiculous.
I went bonkers at him in the middle of a shopping centre (tears & snotters, in public, oh yes!hmm) All because the girl making his coffee in Starbucks had a conversation with him. I was so overwhelmed with fear & jealousy & anger!
Coming to think of it I was a bit of a shit in the first 12 weeks.... confused

Dobedobedoo Tue 21-May-13 21:31:37

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DoTheBestThingsInLifeHaveFleas Tue 21-May-13 21:38:23

OP, I spent 8 years with a man who really wanted kids and I didn't. I couldnt decide whether to leave him (as he would resent me, he said he didnt but it would have happened) or to have a baby. In the end I randomly missed a couple of pills and got pregnant. I felt EXACTLY how you feel now when I realised I was pregnant and didn't even tell DP for a few days. I felt this way until about 7 months in. And now I have a beautifull DD and am so gratefull to DP becasue if he hadn't wanted kids we wouldnt have had any and I would be missing out on so much. Yes it's hard (at times) but the good massively outweighs the bad. Good luck, you will feel better soon I am sure xxx

Dobedobedoo Wed 22-May-13 00:18:39

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rosiedays Wed 22-May-13 08:43:48

Hi OP,
Day 4! how's it going, I know how much i really struggled in the early days and support i got on here was amazing.
the next few weeks / months are such a rollercoaster of emotions. things i did.... wrote 'good day' or 'Bad day' in my diary at the end of each day.... it really helped on bad days to look back and see that there were good days (not many in early weeks!!) excepted the situation. 'I am pregnant. I am going to have a baby, I am going to be ok. i am going to be happy. It's a baby not a terminal illness!
Re patner, i had wobbles but more about 'shit i'm stuck with YOU' rather than 'shit he's gona leave me.' I know i could do it on my own (done it before) so if he did up and leave (which i really dont think he will) His loss.
hormones are a nightmare. flowers
I hope you can take hope from all of us who have been where you are and are now happily waiting our new arrivals or have graduated and enjoying the wonderful gift of Motherhood. x

kiwigirl42 Wed 22-May-13 08:55:43

I hope you are doing OK. DS is almost 13 and I could still write that list wink
Your life will change beyond description BUT you will be given the greatest gift on earth. You don't know how much love you have in you until you love your baby.
Just remember to breathe ... I still tell myself this as DS stomps off upstairs muttering lol.

Dobedobedoo Wed 22-May-13 11:00:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeeS Wed 22-May-13 11:24:37

Sorry to hear that Dobedobedoo hmm
I have struggled for years with depression & was diagnosed with bipolar, many moons ago, but it's meant that I've had a lot of people looking out for me, family, GP, psychiatrist etc. It does really help to talk things through with someone - maybe having to go back to your old GP isn't such a bad thing if it means you can talk to a familiar face?
I think I had a bit of depression in my first trimester, asides from the usual hormonal stuff, and it's quite common.

gertrudestein Wed 22-May-13 11:44:15

I agree with WeeS. Am so sorry to hear you're having a bad day OP. It doesn't necessarily make it better to know that it's normal, but try to remember that the thoughts you are having about not being a fit mother are totally normal, and that they will pass (whatever you decide to do). I had that ice cold feeling too (good description!), in fact I still do at 33 weeks. But most of the time I feel a lot better about things and excited about having a baby.

These are some things I have found useful:
- Definitely go to a doctor. If you can't get one nearby, go to your old one and get them to refer you to a doctor nearby. (The NHS works in mysterious, and often quite annoying, ways). There have been periods in my pregnancy when I have actually asked the doctor to make sure SS take my baby away because I'll be so bad at parenting! They haven't done that, but they have given me lots of support through counselling and generally just being there, which has helped a huge amount. You do need to have access to some NHS services relatively soon - either a midwife, or someone to talk to about other options - so it's worth being part of the system.
- Whatever happens in the future with the pregnancy, right now this is a journey that you and your body are going on. Your body is flooded with hormones that are making you feel strong waves of emotion that it can be difficult to understand or make sense of. If you can, try to let them flow over you for a few days, and not to take them too seriously. Just get up, go to work, eat, sleep, distract yourself. The emotions can be exhausting so give yourself a break. There is plenty of time to think and worry. Maybe you can try to switch off the thinking part of your brain (as much as possible) till after the weekend?
- The first few weeks are very tiring, as well. Don't underestimate the amount of sleep you need just to feel sane. You probably can't be as active as you have been - you might need to cut down on exercise or going out, or take naps during the day. Don't worry, it won't last forever, most likely just a few more weeks. And don't underestimate how the tiredness can make everything feel worse.
- Is there anyone you can talk to, even not a particularly close friend, but someone that you used to know well, and can trust? Maybe someone you don't see very much anymore? Also, look at the antenatal boards on MN - there might be one for your due month already and there might be some people having similar reactions. Even if the other posters on those boards don't sound negative, just reading their posts will make you realise how much you're all at the mercy of irrational hormones!

Get through today - is there something you can focus on tonight to look forward to? Like a nice meal, or something you want to watch on TV?

You're not alone.

Fairydogmother Wed 22-May-13 12:19:32

Hope you're ok

Just to add my voice to the many on here who can empathise and understand exactly where you're coming from! My baby was totally planned but that didnt stop me from freaking out every so often. Dont underestimate the strength of your hormones right now. Some RL support would help you but we're always here to bolster you too!

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