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He hates me for having this DC :(

(44 Posts)
Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 12:19:52

I am just into my 2nd trimester with DC2 this is my partners first, we have been together a year and a half, live together and use to get on very well.

When we found out I was pregnant my DP made it very clear he didn't want to carry on with the pregnancy, we argued loads about it and in the end I took it upon myself to not abort the baby, I told him he can either stay with me and support my decision or leave, it sounds selfish, but to me I was already in love with my baby.... I have previously had an abortion and I have never hated myself so much, I regret it and always will confused therefore i just couldn't do it. He said he would stick by me and our baby. Although being happy about the pregnancy was hard around him at our 12week scan he seemed to change he was happy and started talking abou the baby more... Now everytimw we argue or get in a disagreement or drunk he always throws in my face how he didn't want this baby and I'm making him have it, I'm making him grow up, he's not ready... He's only staying with me for the baby etc i feel like he is treating me badly all the time through resentment, through me "making" him have this baby... And I feel like I'm getting punished, he says im stopping him from doing what he wants, like going on boys drunken holidays etc... I'm upset and angry all the time, I'm hormonal and I just don't know which way to turn, everytime we fight he's leaving me and it seems that we argue a lot because of it, I don't know how to resolve this situation... I love this baby and I love my partner, I don't want to be a single mum to two kids sadsadsad

I don't want to be judged, I just want some reassurance and advice... How to approach the situation without fighting again, can I add, when he's sober or not arguing he takes what he has said back and tells me he only said the things through anger, this I disbelieve sad

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 21:44:58

Are you certain he's saying this now because there's nowhere easy for him to go?

MummyBurrows Sun 05-May-13 16:00:44

"I didn't want the baby but now I do" says to me that he's only saying it so you don't kick him out-proof of how much he wants the baby is from his general attitude and behaviour,which quite frankly screams "I don't want this baby,never did,never will" also him promising to stop throwing it in ur face is a load of shit...give a week,if that,and he'll b saying it all over again,I think he's said it just so you don't kick him out and the fact he's not happy for you to leave and clearly isn't happy with you taking away his decision about when he's going to father a child says that he's obviously a very controlling guy and hates that you took back some of that control by refusing to have an abortion. You're not forcing him to stay,and you're not forcing him to be a dad,you could very easily manage to do it all on your own but I think you've had your confidence taken out of you by him (seriously,you sound like you think you could only have this baby if you had him and couldn't cope without him even though you very clearly could as you've done it before with your DS before he came along!).

My DH used to repeatedly say things your DP says to you about not wanting the baby ect to me when I was pregnant with our DD and he's been saying it again during my current pregnancy,but the difference is that my DH genuinely has (diagnosed) borderline personality disorder and anger issues so he finds it hard to control his emotions and will have outbursts where he says things he really doesn't mean-its like living with Jekyll and Hyde some days!-one moment and then take it all back and apologise the next,but I know full well my DH wanted DD and this baby too as fully planned both and he would rather die than not have me,our dd or unborn child in his life and he hates himself when he says horrible things to me about either child but he honestly can't help it. Your DP doesn't have this excuse,he just drinks to much and has no respect for you and probably does resent you in part for having this baby but he should of been more careful if he didn't want one if you ask me!! but he does have a choice about whether or not to bring up the child. My guess is that he will fall in love with the baby as soon as he sees it but going by his outbursts I really wouldn't b surprised if the realtionship between you 2 falls apart within a year of the birth. He may love the baby but his behaviour certainly doesn't sound like he loves you at all sweetheart. Personally I'd demand a break where by either you or him leaves for at least a week and see how things go,it will give you both the time and head space to work out what you really want and if there's any chance of the relationship working.

Good luck and remember,you're stronger than you think so don't put up with any less than you deserve!xx

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 05-May-13 15:21:30

My Ex was exactly the same. Yes...Ex. He didn't want DD, made it abundantly clear he was only there because he 'had to be' no you didn't twat When DD arrived he fell in love with her. He is a great dad, but he does't and probably never did love me.

We are now separated and I am trying to undo the damage he did by saying all the same things your 'D'P said to you.

I thought it would bother me being a young, single mum, but I prefer it to being a young miserable mum.

Foodylicious Sun 05-May-13 15:16:55

Good luck hon, but stick to your guns, next time he even hints at being negative or you being pg being inconvienient tell him thats it.
Does sound controling, which is just like my friend OH. This might sound extreme but have you looked on any domestic abuse sites? you might be surprised if you ask questions about how he talks to you at other times, what influence he has over your relationship with friends/family, what decisions he makes about what is 'best' for you.
caring and organising for you isn't always what it seems, but a need to control fueled by his insecurities and jealously.

Yes, if he's this lukewarm about the idea of having his first child with you, so during the pregnancy, I think he will find the reality of life with a newborn quite a shock. But possibly he's decided to be a better partner and father, we shall see I guess.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 05-May-13 14:55:45

The fact he's promised to stop holding it against you means that he still feels the same way. Or there would be nothing to hold against you. He's acting as if staying is doing you a favour and that being nice is something he needs to "try" and do. Nothing has changed op and sooner or later he will slip and you will be right back here. sad

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 14:50:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 14:21:53

Sonce last posting, I asked him to leave as it would be for the best, im sick of feeling punished and alone, he apologised and has sworn and pleaded to stay, he promises to stop holding it against me and that he has found it difficult to get over me making that decision myself... He said he will now deal with that he doesn't want to leave, I offered for me to stay with my family for a few nights/one week so we can have space since he cant really, but he doesn't agree with that either sad the last thing I want is for us to separate, I just don't know weather to believe him or not....sad

HelenBackAgain Sun 05-May-13 13:47:52

wih what ive read in this thread so far the only thing i can suggest is that you do what the other posters have said and tell him to leave. you need to know that when you confront him about it he will say -anything- so he doesnt have to leave. he will play with your heart strings like this until the next argument. whatever you decide i hope things work out for u x

LineRunner Sun 05-May-13 13:44:32

To be honest, the thing that jumps out at me is that he is often drunk and angry around you whilst you are pregnant, and he has effectively told you that he wants to prioritise his drinking over you and the baby.

Whether he 'wants' the baby is immaterial to the fact that he has his priorities completely wrong, and you are screwed if you carry on with this horrible relationship. So sorry. flowers

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 13:35:22

Well then, tell him if he ever complains that he doesn't want this baby again, you will consider it to be a deal breaker and he has to leave, he can either live with his decision or make a different one, bitching about it isn't an option ever again. And you need to mean it.

HelenBackAgain Sun 05-May-13 13:32:35

haha me too. i thought it was some sort of modern day term for single mum or something. can pregnancy brain kick in early??? lol

Foodylicious Sun 05-May-13 13:31:14


Foodylicious Sun 05-May-13 13:30:17

I have a firend who was in a similar situation, but with their first.she wanted kids, he kept saying not yet, then changed his mind. So they got pg, fine for a few weeks then he started throwing back in her face anytime they argued. they have now been together for over 10 years and their little one is 2.
Consistenly for the last 2+ years he has made her feel bad for having a baby, its all her fault and has basicaly not changed his life in any way. he goes to work, out whatever he wants just as he did before -she does practicaly evrything for little one, works, organises child care, bills, house etc. occasionaly if she asks really nicely he 'baby sits'. He is great with the little one when he is with him, but makes no effort whatsoever, oh and he thinks he gets to make the decisions about him too!.
As you can tell I do not think he is good enough for my friend, but she wont leave him until she is 'ready'. the older her son gets the harder it is.
My friend is basicaly ready to and able to leave at a moments notice, but stays hoping for change. She has financial fall back plan (not money but plan)and everything.

This is a horrible way for her to live-

Basically I would suggest seperating now - if it can work out it will, but not with you loving together at the moment.
Best of luck x

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 05-May-13 13:29:43

what you and your children have a right to feel loved and wanted and safe. My guess is he's panicking about having to leave and that's why he's changed his story now. If he is telling the truth about wanting this baby then he will still be able to say that after a few weeks apart. I'd say his reaction when drunk is how he really feels. Unless he plans on staying sober forever then this will always get thrown back at you.

Viviennemary Sun 05-May-13 13:25:56

No it doesn't. He should accept his responsibility and stop this negative immature behaviour. It worries me to think of a baby being born into this atmosphere.

Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 13:25:18

We've just had another encounter, u asked him why he's stayed as I didn't put a gun to his head, and asked him why he is throwing it in my face every time we have a fall out he said "I want this baby now. But I didn't to start off with thats why!!"

How can he say he wants it but still punishes me for keeping? I'm so confused. And I feel very isolated....

I'm guessing probably not Vivienne, but that doesn't excuse his terrible immature behaviour in the situation does it ?

Viviennemary Sun 05-May-13 13:11:46

Did you discuss and agree beforehand that you both wanted a child. If he said he wasn't ready you should really have taken notice of what he said. However, if he can't deal with the situation you are better off apart.

I wondered what a "dongle mum" was caff grin

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 05-May-13 13:08:09

Sorry for typo in first post blush

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 05-May-13 13:07:47

Whether he stays or goes, it sounds like you will be a single mum regardless. Question is do u want two or three??

It will be easier on your own in a calm quiet house where things can be done your way, than with a bolshy, argumentative hurtful man child. X

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 05-May-13 13:07:29

Whether he stays or goes, it sounds like you will be a dongle mum regardless. Question is do u want two or three??

It will be easier on your own in a calm quiet house where things can be done your way, than with a bolshy, argumentative hurtful man child. X

Maybe he could leave and you could hope to still be friends with him having some input into his child's life - such as visiting regularly and paying some maintenance, and keeping in touch with your DS too. I think this may be the best you can hope for given how things are now.
But agree with *Dontmind" too. Throwing him out and seeing if he chooses to come back sounds a good strategy.

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 13:02:13

BTW - right now he thinks he's the injured party and is acting like all this is just happening too him (hate people who act like stuff that happens as direct concequence of their own actions just magically happened). By throwing him out and making him decide if he wants to come back, you are forcing it to be something he activity choses, not passively accepts then whinges about.

He might not come back, he might be happier on his own than with you, in which case, you were only living on borrowed time anyway, and he'd probably have left after you had the baby, at least this way you've got time to prepare for being a single mum of 2 and he'd be leaving at a less emotionally vunerable point.

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