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I don't know where to post this (boring and long, sorry)

(20 Posts)
quertas Fri 03-May-13 14:39:44

I don’t think I can cope anymore. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with my second child and, and I’ve posted about this before, but I realise I really really don’t want it. I can’t cope anymore. I hate being pregnant this time. I hate being this big and ugly and tired. I’m in such pain with the pregnancy and with every niggling ailment under the sun- my hands hurt, I have nausea, ringing in my ears, back ache, headaches, anaemia, my gums are bleeding so much I’ve constantly got blood in my mouth, I get nosebleeds, cramps in my feet, and I can’t anywhere to put this lumpy body down where it doesn’t hurt and I’m so tired. My midwife is useless. I've not seen the same one twice and each time they just talk to the student they have with them and brush off my questions with platitudes.

And everything is going so horribly wrong. My DH is never about, he has a new job a 2 hour commute away that he hates and but won’t shut up about, our old dog is dying and part of his illness is bladder related so the whole house stinks of piss and I can’t keep on top of his ‘accidents’. We've only moved here recently, I already realise the house is a mistake, its laid out so wrong for a baby and toddler, stairs everywhere and I have to carry DD about with my back killing me. We've no friends here, and no relatives in the UK. My job is ridiculous but very full time, I can’t go on maternity leave until my due date and new stuff keeps coming in quicker than I can shift the old. My colleagues treat me like an incompetent twat and I can’t really say I blame them.

In the meantime I can’t sleep and my DD (2.10) is waking earlier and earlier. She won’t let my DH look after her, even when he is around, its Mummymummymummy all the time and she screams and screams if she doesn’t get me. But I’m no better with her than he is. She makes demand after demand after demand and screams and hits me if she doesn’t get what she wants. She’s not like this at nursery. I’m worried about her. Other kids her age seem to be more advanced than she is in speech and play. I take her to toddler classes and she won’t join in, she just stands there while everyone’s singing and doing the motions and watches and does nothing while I hang my stupid fat face over her trying to jolly her along to join in and she completely ignores me. Today’s final straw was having to leave the shopping and get out of the supermarket with her shrieking at me because I couldn’t face another tantrum in the shop. Now I’ve got freezer meals in for her and enough breakfast cereal for her for the morning but there’s no food for me and I can’ t go back. I wanted to do something nice and organise her a birthday party. I spent ages writing out party invites for all her nursery friends in the evenings and no one, not one, has said they’ll come and I feel so stupid to have thought they might. And I have to face them all next week and find some way of pretending I don’t care that they can’t be bothered to even answer a party invite from me. In the meantime I’m huge and this baby’s coming and nothing’s been done to prepare for it and DH doesn’t want it really, he was against trying for a second child to begin with. Maybe he was right, I’m so shit at this. I don’t know what to do. Can anyone say anything positive? I can't face anymore and there's no way out

ExpatAl Fri 03-May-13 14:48:47

It wasn't boring or too long. But you sound like you're right at the end of your tether. Do you have a family member or a close friend nearby?You need to offload. I hate to read someone being so negative about themself. Could you make an emergency appointment with your MW or a GP? You need to talk to someone. I'm sorry I haven't been much help but a much wiser person will come along and give good advice.

BabyHMummy Fri 03-May-13 14:57:55

Sounds very much like antenatal depression and am sending hugs and hand hoping as suffering similar issues.

With regards months must have wanted it at the start to have carried on with it so ask yourself the following...
1 do i genuinely not want this baby or am i just tired and overwraught
2 have the changes made to ur life caused the depression
3 if you had some "me" time would it make a difference?

As for your dd...if she is fine at nursery when ur not there then it ia very much about attention seeking and her reaction. To change...moving, dad's job and baby. you need to distance yourself and force her to deal with dh and other people. At nearly 3 she shouldn't need carrying everywhere surely. I know how harsh it sounds and am sorry but you need to be a little cruel to be kind in the long run iyswim. The more you pander to it the harder it will be when baby ia here

You definitely need to talk to someone though. Make a mw appt and insist on no students or are your Gp or practice nurse.

Fwiw everything you are feeling is pretty normal from what i have read on here and be told by ppl when i have said how i am feeling.


TinkyPeet Fri 03-May-13 16:13:37

Aw honey please go talk to your gp or mw or a counsellor. You spud very overwhelmed and I think you need a break. I don't know why you can't start maternity untill your due date, as far as I'm aware you can legally start maternity Leave from 29 weeks, but I would get your gp to sign you off for a while.
I have a very tantrum-y 2 year old dd too, if she starts in the supermarket I ignore it, yes people stare, stare back with a 'what the fvck are YOU looking at?!' Expression. Trying to 'calm' her will just fuel the fire ime.
On a positive note, my mam said I was horrendous as a toddler, didn't last long and I'm ok now.
I do hope you get some decent help, if you're having a hard time you can always pm me just for a rant or some support, or keep posting in here, having someone to talk to will help and there are tonnes of lovely ladies on here willing to listen at any hour xxxxx

wispa31 Fri 03-May-13 16:18:46

you poor woman sad not experiencing anything like what you are right now but do agree with pp in that you defo need to talk to someone and get some me time.
try and arrange a double appt slot with your gp if you feel you wont get anywhere with your mw and try to arrange it when dd at nursery so you have time to sit and talk with your gp properly, tell him everything you said in your first post, the more he knows hopefully the more he will be able to help you and get you any other support you might need. have a hug from me smile x

wispa31 Fri 03-May-13 16:22:35

oh and btw, re your dd playing up, my friends wife had a terrible time with her dd too while pregnant with her 3rd. she was super clingy and wouldnt let daddy carry her. he used to get really dirty looks from other women looking on in disgust at his heavily preg mrs trying to carry her and do the shopping! you are defo not alone so dont feel bad when she does it. as someone above said, try to ignore it.

CareerGirl01 Fri 03-May-13 16:22:40

Dear OP you need to talk to someone ASAP. I've had awful moments during this pregnancy -but luckily have my mum, stepdad, sister, an lkder niece, and dad living nearby; can't imagine what I would have done without them- so you are being strong. It does sound like depression too-you are so near now - hold on. But please go xnd see your GP.

babyradio Fri 03-May-13 18:26:01

I'm another one who has been struggling with ante-natal depression, this sounds like the same thing. Please go to your midwife and tell her what is happening, there are always ways to help, nobody will judge you for feeling like this and all anyone will want to do is help you get through it.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and hope you are able to go to your midwife and get some help x

quertas Fri 03-May-13 20:52:13

Thanks all. I think things are getting a bit on top of me I guess. Hormone hell huh? I can't think what I want or what would practically help but have a nasty feeling the gp would make things worse not better. babyh, yes I suppose she should really. She's being a bit of a bit monkey but the stairs are so steep my hearts in my mouth when she's coming down so I carry her. And then of course she wants to be carried everywhere - hates a pushchair but can't walk far etc. I make her sound like a right little madam and she's not really but just very loud when upset and you 're trying to calm her down and ahe just keeps making this kind of groaning on and on when she's thwarted and you say 'what's the matter' and she just tunes you out and keeps doing it. Me time isn't going to happen, I know that. The dog was the last thing I had that was really mine and now he's going. He's ill and though the pills mean he's not in pain he's going downhill so fast. He's senile, gets up to for a wee and can't remember so he just lies down and then wees on himself. He's nearly blind. He smells awful. But I'd try and keep him going a bit longer if it weren't for the pg. he's been so stupidly protective of me and I know he knows another babys on the way and i wanted him to meet the new baby but I don't think he's going to make it. He's just a stupid dog but he's the last creature who actually wants to see me and gives a crap and I'm going to take him to the vet and let them stick needles in him and then he'll be gone and ill be alone with a shouty toddler and a screaming newborn. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted this baby once but I can't remember why anymore. I'd talk to DH but its my own fault. I got us into this, it was my stupid idea and he's just crushed with work at the moment and galled that his daughter 's treating him like a bad smell. It's breaking his heart as it is. I can't go on ML because we can't afford it, we're paying 2 mortgages, one on a house that we can't sell and the cost of doing this crappy house up is ridiculous. Likewise DH is just having to take it at work because he cant lose his job. I'm sorry I'm going on and on. I should be happy. I know I'm lucky I just can't get my head straight. Sorry talk about self indulgent nonsense alert. hmm Suspect things'd look brighter through the bottom of s winebut not really an option right now. I actually started this post to say thanks and sorry for going on, so thanks and sorry for going on (irony emoticon needed)

BabyHMummy Fri 03-May-13 21:23:21

Big hugs Huni...sounds like you need a girls night out with some rl friends load onto and make you that an option?

As for ur dd you may just have to toughen up with her sweetie. Force her to deal with her dad cos continuing to pander to it could do.irreparable damage to their relationship.

But for now put her to bed, make ur dh deal.with the dog wee etc and grab urself 10 tons of peace in the bath


gertrudestein Sat 04-May-13 09:15:43

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. No doubt some of it is to do with hormones, some of it is to do with exhaustion, and some of it is to do with what's going on in your life at the moment, but it sounds like the hormones and the exhaustion are making everything worse.

Could you take a couple of days off work sick? If you get the bank holiday off, could you take Tuesday and Wednesday off too? I'm sure you're the kind of person who never takes sick days and thinks you're not justified, but you desperately need some sleep and some R&R and you might feel miles better after a bit of time to yourself.

(Also, I know you don't want to go to the GP and it may not be the right thing for you, but she won't make things worse. She will probably make things better. My GP gave me a sick note for a few days, which gave me a chance to get my head a bit clearer, and she also put me in touch with a crisis team who came to my house and just let me talk at them for a while. I was a bit embarassed because I thought I was just being pregnant and hormonal but they were so nice and it meant a lot as I have no friends or family close by.)

ChocolateCremeEggBag Sat 04-May-13 10:13:50

Oh Quertas
I hope you can take some time this long weekend to breathe out and maybe talk things through with DH

On the practical side:
Can you fit a low rail for DD to use on the stairs? She will have to learn to use them safely in the next few weeks anyway
Do you have a new born sling? I used a long jersey fabric one with DS for the first few weeks which meant I had two arms free (he came in the middle of our delayed house rebuild so had to negotiate builders to get to kitchen)
Work assuming you are going back after ml? In which case you need to keep your reputation up. Is there anything in your pile which strictly isn't for you to do? (the little bits of crap which you feel you should do but which suck up all of your time) I realise you don't have the time or energy to start any time management type crap, but look at what really needs you to do and start pushing off the stuff that's not needed. Realistically you could be off in the next 5 weeks so you should already be handing things over or stop taking on new stuff
DD party - people are shit at RSVPing so just ask them all straight out. And if they can't make it then really don't take it personally. Most people love a reason to have their DC's entertained for them. But equally DD won't remember at this age.
Dog - I really feel for you as this is such a hard position to be in. Not going to suggest you do anything as only you know when it is the right time.

Try taking one day at a time for a while, and keep looking for the small positives, they will be there, and smiles are infectious - they will make you feel better.

quertas Sat 04-May-13 14:08:13

Thanks again! Perhaps I could phone in sick on Tuesday - I know it's not ideal but a day would help, tried supermarket again today - DH has gone away for weekend - but again we barely made it down the veg aisle. She has food thank god, I stocked the freezer for her and a few days on freezer meals won't hurt her but there's no other food In the house. I was toasting a bagel i found in the freezer and I got distracted staring out the window and it burned and now I don't have anything again. I can't cant face one of DD's screaming attacks in the shop I just can't, not now, but were a bit remote here so its supermarket or nothing really. Handrail is a great idea, there's one but its too high and I'll get a sling. Wish stannah made a stairlift in toddler size grin. I wish this ringing in my ears would stop and the baby would just stop kicking a minute so I could think straight.. I'm sure the other mums didn't mean anything by not replying, I just, well she's been chuntering on about her party for ages because i stupidly said she'd have one and what if no-one comes ? Anyway now I'm going on again, how bonkers am I ? Sorry anyway thank you

Christelle2207 Sat 04-May-13 14:21:43

Please try and get help OP. If you find it hard to talk to gp you could just print out your original post and give it to him/her.
On the shopping front - sounds like a nightmare, can you try and online shop?

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 04-May-13 15:24:16

Sending you all the hugs in the world OP. I have suffered with depression and anxiety and really do wonder if you are depressed. I could understand why, you have so much on your plate at the minute. My only advice is one little thing at a time and cut yourself some slack. Your original post is so critical and mean towards yourself, try and look at your situation as you would if it were a friend, not you. I often find that I would be much nicer to someone else if they were in my situation but I have no understanding or compassion for myself. You sound like you are giving it your all and doing everything for the benefit of your daughter, so you should be proud of yourself. I really hope you get some support and as the other ladies have said talking to your gp could really help.

coffeewineandchocolate Sat 04-May-13 15:42:23

right practical things

1/ get an online shop done. save a list of your basics to make things easier in future.

2/ get a fish and chip/ pub tea- you need to eat.

3/ get dh to fit a lower rail.

4/ arrange a date night for you and dh where work is a banned topic.

5/ take tuesday off. book yourself in for massage/ pedicure

6/ give yourself a break and some credit!

ChocolateCremeEggBag Sat 04-May-13 23:51:53

OP - definitely call in sick on Tuesday
Give yourself some breathing space at least.
And seconding the online shopping - if DD is kicking off in the supermarket then just don't go.

Now about the tantrums and wanting you all the time. This is where she has probably realised something else is taking up your attention (ie new baby)
It will be just a phase, when new baby does come, are you keeping DD in nursery at least some of the time? As I would do that to keep her routine (and you will need space from her too) but also you'll need to give her 1:1 time as well. Maybe also rein back on the toddler classes for a while. I assume this is after nursery? Maybe she's just had enough of other small people or she's tired? how about more outdoor stuff just 1:1? Could you do some simple gardening - have her water things and get mucky. Or have some tea parties at home? All things which you can keep doing with a baby in a pram soon.

You will get through this - you are going through such a tough period with tantrums and being heavily pg, but it's all just a relatively short space of time. Dd will get better, you need to be firm and fair with her though. Baby will be out so you'll start feeling better. Ok so you'll still be tired, but you'll be able to nap in the day a bit.

quertas Sun 05-May-13 08:21:33

Thanks all. We're a bit better today I think. DD managed to top yesterdays tantrum with an evening of throwing up so sorry to not reply. think it was a 24 hour bug as she seems a bit better today. poor gubbins had no idea which way was up last night! Online shop is a good idea for sure. We can't go on like this. Thanks for the good advice, it's easy to get in a complete panic when your pregnant I think. Anyway thank you for your replies, it means a lot smile

ChocolateCremeEggBag Sun 05-May-13 08:39:51

Hi Quertas good to hear you sounding more positive today.
And if you can't have a panic on MN then where can you?

Take care flowers

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 06-May-13 07:41:26

Wow Quertas have so much on your plate it's no wonder you are feeling the way you are... so PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself... I am in awe of you and how you are being a mum to a tot AND holding down a job ON TOP of a difficult pregnancy... you sound pretty amazing to me!!

You do sound depressed though and like you need some serious fun and escapism for a bit... please do go and speak to someone and don't be afraid to be completely open and honest... big hugs to you!!! Xxx

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