I don?t think I can cope anymore. I?m 33 weeks pregnant with my second child and, and I?ve posted about this before, but I realise I really really don?t want it. I can?t cope anymore. I hate being pregnant this time. I hate being this big and ugly and tired. I?m in such pain with the pregnancy and with every niggling ailment under the sun- my hands hurt, I have nausea, ringing in my ears, back ache, headaches, anaemia, my gums are bleeding so much I?ve constantly got blood in my mouth, I get nosebleeds, cramps in my feet, and I can?t anywhere to put this lumpy body down where it doesn?t hurt and I?m so tired. My midwife is useless. I've not seen the same one twice and each time they just talk to the student they have with them and brush off my questions with platitudes.
And everything is going so horribly wrong. My DH is never about, he has a new job a 2 hour commute away that he hates and but won?t shut up about, our old dog is dying and part of his illness is bladder related so the whole house stinks of piss and I can?t keep on top of his ?accidents?. We've only moved here recently, I already realise the house is a mistake, its laid out so wrong for a baby and toddler, stairs everywhere and I have to carry DD about with my back killing me. We've no friends here, and no relatives in the UK. My job is ridiculous but very full time, I can?t go on maternity leave until my due date and new stuff keeps coming in quicker than I can shift the old. My colleagues treat me like an incompetent twat and I can?t really say I blame them.
In the meantime I can?t sleep and my DD (2.10) is waking earlier and earlier. She won?t let my DH look after her, even when he is around, its Mummymummymummy all the time and she screams and screams if she doesn?t get me. But I?m no better with her than he is. She makes demand after demand after demand and screams and hits me if she doesn?t get what she wants. She?s not like this at nursery. I?m worried about her. Other kids her age seem to be more advanced than she is in speech and play. I take her to toddler classes and she won?t join in, she just stands there while everyone?s singing and doing the motions and watches and does nothing while I hang my stupid fat face over her trying to jolly her along to join in and she completely ignores me. Today?s final straw was having to leave the shopping and get out of the supermarket with her shrieking at me because I couldn?t face another tantrum in the shop. Now I?ve got freezer meals in for her and enough breakfast cereal for her for the morning but there?s no food for me and I can? t go back. I wanted to do something nice and organise her a birthday party. I spent ages writing out party invites for all her nursery friends in the evenings and no one, not one, has said they?ll come and I feel so stupid to have thought they might. And I have to face them all next week and find some way of pretending I don?t care that they can?t be bothered to even answer a party invite from me. In the meantime I?m huge and this baby?s coming and nothing?s been done to prepare for it and DH doesn?t want it really, he was against trying for a second child to begin with. Maybe he was right, I?m so shit at this. I don?t know what to do. Can anyone say anything positive? I can't face anymore and there's no way out
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I don't know where to post this (boring and long, sorry)
19 replies
quertas · 03/05/2013 14:39
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