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First time pregnant at 42

(6 Posts)
kristabelle42 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:33:36

I am 42 and 7 weeks pregnant. Hubby is 44 and we have no kids. All my life I have said I wouldn't have kids. Have never been maternal or gooie over babies or broody. I have a dozen nieces/nephews who I adore but am always glad when they have gone home and there is peace and quiet again. I did the test 2 weeks ago and since then my mind has been in turmoil. I really don't know what to do. I just can't imagine being the parent of a teenager when we are well into our 60's. When I think of kids all I think of is no sleep, screaming, endless washing, not being able to go/do what you want. My sister seems to spend all her time going to/from school, ferrying them around to various clubs/activities/parties. It just all seems so boring and repetitive. My other main concern, and if I am brutally honest, main reason why I have never wanted kids, and this may seem really non-PC, but I have a real fear of it being born disabled/brain damaged. I know I am just not the type of person to be able to cope with that type of child and as there are no guarantees I just don't know if I could take the risk. I read an article recently of a woman of a similar age who had her first child but it was born brain damaged and instead of the happy family life she had envisioned, it nearly destroyed her marriage and now they have this little person who is never going to grow to be independent and will be dependent on them for the rest of their lives. Our lives at the moment are great. We have no financial worries and after years of the high flying career and working all hours etc, we have only in the last year slowed the pace and made more time to enjoy ourselves. I'm not sure that I want to give that up. DH is not for or against having a child, although he says that either way, with or without child, we will have a good life but he doesn't feel there is a void in his life without one. I have seen him with other people's kids and he is brilliant and I know he would make a fab dad, better than I would a mum, but as he says, I can't just have a child because I think he may miss out, because he doesn't think he's missing out! He is a very black and white person, you chose your path and stick to it and have no regrets. I am the opposite and the worrier and the "what if" person. I really need to make a decision soon but it is sooo hard as this is a now or literally never decision but one which, either way, I can't go back and change. I know most people on here will already be mums and say that kids are the best thing ever and probably no 60+ women who can say if they have/not regretted having children but any advice to give me some perspective would be appreciated.

BabyHMummy Sun 28-Apr-13 11:41:29

My dh's mum was 44 when she had him. He is 37 now and she turns 80 this xmas and she maintains she doesn't regret a second of it. She says he has kept her young.

He on the other hand found it very difficult growing up with parents who were effectively the same age as his peers grandparents. He feel like he missed out on a lol as his dad was too old to join in with things he wanted to do like cycling.

Ultimately this is a decision you and your dh need to make together...maybe talk to some professionals so you get an exact idea of your risks. No ppregnancy is without risks whether mum is 16 or 46.

Sensing hugs hun. Hope you are ok

ExpatAl Sun 28-Apr-13 12:25:49

I am 42 and very happy about it but can entirely understand if you're horrified. There are no right answers. Seems like you and your dh need to have a good long talk. The risks at 42 are still small. I also love my nieces and nephews and am happy to say 'bye' - didn't feel maternal in the slightest and am not keen on my time being encroached on. However, I feel totally different about my bump. I can't wait for him/her to be part of my life.

BabyH, there are no guarantees that a younger father would be the type to enjoy biking etc. Would your dh prefer not to have been born? My parents were an average age when they had me but I still have some regrets about what didn't happen when I was young. It's probably a sign of a pretty good life if that's all we can find to gripe about smile

BabyHMummy Sun 28-Apr-13 13:04:24

My point was more that his parents were too old to join in with things he enjoyed doing or wanted to do. Was just offering a different perspective. Certainly no need for comments like 'would he prefer not to have been born'.

ExpatAl Sun 28-Apr-13 13:09:43

I wasn't asking it in a beligerent way, just making a valid point.

Phineyj Sun 28-Apr-13 13:18:06

I think 40-something now is not like 40-something in the 70s when we were born, OP. My 46 year old DH and I had our first child recently. He can't wait to take her mountainbiking, camping etc. He is very sporty. I also feel in good shape and more to the point, all four 70-something parents are hale and hearty!

We have also found being parents a lot more fun than we thought it would be, after the very discouraging experiences of members of our extended family.

Having said that you are obviously very stressed and worried and unfortunately you can make pro and con lists all you like about this but it is an emotional decision - a leap of faith if you like - and not a rational one.

Things to ask yourself --

What are the real risks of a disabled child? What tests are available to you?

If you ended the pregnancy, what effect would it have on your relationship? I know you can't know that, but try to imagine.

This may help: Have you and DH been through other stressful experiences or challenges - how do you cope as a team? How are you at dealing with strong emotions?

Will you still feel fine about not having kids when your friends are having their grandchildren?

I am sure it is possible to have a fulfilling life without children, by the way.

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