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Pregnant and trying to cope with stillbirth/multiple loss

(10 Posts)
nickiey Wed 17-May-06 15:18:01

I thought I'd start one here as I feel a bit of a twit on the pregnancy after misscarriage thread. Im very weary of talking about how things are making feel especially to pregnant women who have either never had any troubles or experienced early pregnancy loss.
While I was preggy with my son I went to a few antenatel groups but soon felt that it was making the other mums uncomfy. Im not a normal preggy mum, looking forward to my baby (well i am but in my own way) I dont typify your average expectant mother and began to feel like other mums though i might jinx them!
Anyway this all sounds highly paranoid and self indulgent and thats why i though i'd put it here as I didnt want to pee on any other thread really.
Im not entirely sure what I want to say or get going here, i think i just need somewhere to be open about my feelings without thinking it might worry another mum.
I think i feel like this in reality too, because ive lost babies for different reasons at different stages I dont really have anyone to talk to I know the odd lady who has had recurrent miscarriages or another lady who has had a stillbirth or another who suffered an ectopic but having had all of these problems i feel like i can never stop worrying and with good reason! Ive no one to really relate to about these issues so maybe im looking for others like me.
Im 17 weeks now and have another scan on tuesday and will hopefully find out what baby is!

Marina Wed 17-May-06 15:40:18

nickiey, have you contacted SANDS, or your local NCT branch to see if they have any services for people having another baby after a loss?
I got really good one-to-one Befriender support from my local SANDS branch when I quite unexpectedly found myself pregnant again following a premature stillbirth. I was really struggling, and like you I think, hated myself for being the bad news dame at antenatal clinics etc. I even had problems with one team midwife because I was not grateful and shiny-happy enough for being pregnant again seemingly.
I went to this lovely woman's house for a coffee and a chat sometimes, met a couple of other branch members who had also had successful pregnancies after a stillbirth, and it made me feel MUCH less of a freak.
Also, don't rule out your local NCT. Some branches have a Special Situations Register and may also be able to put you in touch with other mums in your position. Or one of their antenatal teachers might be able even to organise some refresher classes for you and others.
We went to a refresher class and although we felt deeply awkward talking about our experiences with Tom at the first session, once it was out, it was out IYSWIM. And although there is no real comparison, every couple there had some deeply crappy pregnancy or birth-related experience that they were self-conscious about sharing, so we actually had more common ground than I thought we would.
HTH a little. I thought I was going to go off my head when pregnant with dd, and if I hadn't been having counselling at the time, and been able to vent on here, I might well have done. I really feel for you XXX

nickiey Wed 17-May-06 15:49:26

I have been in touch with SANDS in the time since my dd was stilborn but that was 5 years ago now and since then I have gone on to have my ds and then miscarriages. I can put my finger on the one thig that hurts and its not really even a hurt, Ive just had such horrid luck in this area of my life that I know how likly i am to have more problems.
People ask me if im out of the danger zone now but in reality im not and if i say that to them they dont quite know how to answer so i feel like i have to lie and I hate that so I almost hide myself away (to some extent anyway) to avoid such conversations.
I spose the reality is that people see that pregnancy=baby/happiness and when I present the everso real possibility that pregnancy=loss/grief and heartache they dont want to hear it (which i can understand) I waffling now i know! im just a loon having a reflective day, it'll pass-i just needed a vent.

Elibean Wed 17-May-06 17:52:27

((Nickiey)) I don't think you sound either paranoid or self indulgent, and what you say makes sense. How else could you feel?! I haven't ever had a stillbirth (and can't imagine how hard that is, though I have friends who have been through it) but having had four miscarriages, been through various issues, plus a potentially life threatening illness, and eventually had to give up the hope of conceiving a baby with my own eggs - probably due to the time (and medication) it took to treat my previous condition - I felt very 'different' a lot of the time when pregnant with dd, and was scared of losing her most of the way through. I felt people could maybe relate to 'bits' of what I'd lived, but not the whole package - and I'm sure its rare to find someone who can relate to your whole story too.

I got lots of 'normality' too, but struggled with feeling 'different' for ages - and it occasionally still comes up, and is up now because I'm pregnant again, though only 11 weeks.

Anyway, sorry - not wanting to hijack, just can understand maybe a tiny bit of what you're saying. And I can hear how hard it is
carrying your losses, PLUS the anxiety about the present and future, as well as your baby....thats a lot to carry, worse if you feel isolated. And its true that not that many people can hear or bear others' fear/grief, especially when they're feeling vulnerable themselves. I was lucky, I knew one or two already who could hear me, and met one or two more since dd was born...but I do understand how you feel in groups.

Good luck with the scan - so exciting to find out the sex - and I hope the rest of this pregnancy (and birth) turn out to be utterly uneventful for you.

finefatmama Wed 17-May-06 20:50:19

Sorry you feel this way but you have to let yourself relate to all your emotions. I had a miscarriage then a terrible pregnancy with premature birth and later neonatal death of my dd.

before i had ds, i was a wreck throughout pregnancy and wanted him out before anything else could go wrong. I was a bit of a wet blanket with other mums who complained about being cheated out of natural birth experiences, how breastfeeding was the solution to all babies problems and other 'trivial stupid things' (so i thought) when they had children who were alive and should be grateful. I'm pregnant again and still quite fretful.

Feel free to share. Be Hopeful.

PanicPants Wed 17-May-06 20:58:59

nickiey I understand how it feels not to 'trust' in your pregnancy, and how everyone else expects it will all be fine. Although I haven't had a stillbirth, I have had 2 m/c and an ectopic, as well as threatened m/c with my pregnancy with ds.

I worried and was terribly unhappy all the way through the pg, and it wasn't until ds was in my arms did I really believe I would be a mum.

I was a real pain to my midwife, who I saw every week after 24 weeks (she was lovely and let me see her far more than I should have done) for reassurance and I would be happy that night but then I would think, weel, baby was fine then, but what about now? And I would be really worried until the next time I saw her.

People don't understand, they see a bump and a happy ending like you say.

Good luck with your scan x

PanicPants Wed 17-May-06 20:59:09

nickiey I understand how it feels not to 'trust' in your pregnancy, and how everyone else expects it will all be fine. Although I haven't had a stillbirth, I have had 2 m/c and an ectopic, as well as threatened m/c with my pregnancy with ds.

I worried and was terribly unhappy all the way through the pg, and it wasn't until ds was in my arms did I really believe I would be a mum.

I was a real pain to my midwife, who I saw every week after 24 weeks (she was lovely and let me see her far more than I should have done) for reassurance and I would be happy that night but then I would think, weel, baby was fine then, but what about now? And I would be really worried until the next time I saw her.

People don't understand, they see a bump and a happy ending like you say.

Good luck with your scan x

snorkle Wed 17-May-06 21:36:35

Message withdrawn

Sakura Fri 19-May-06 01:37:04

Hi nickiey,
I think women are naturally supposed to be emotionally separated from their baby throughout their pregnancy. And its totally natural to worry- that is the pregnant state.
I refused to have any scans,because (apart from the fact they aren`t necessary in every pregnancy) they can make the woman emotionally attached to the baby and help her "bond". I thought to myself what a strange idea it is to artificially encourage the woman to bond with her baby before its born. Without having the scan I feel much more detached than other women, especially ones who already know the sex, etc.
My feeling is that nature is so unpredictable, that its unnatural to get giddy with happines before the baby`s out and you`ve counted 5 fingers and toes. Your reaction is so normal, I can`t understand why other mums would feel uncomfortable with you, unless they really are suffering from "blind optimism"

nickiey Fri 19-May-06 08:00:33

But thats exactly what pregnancy is for the majority of people a time for blind optimism come war, famine or ilness people will always have babies and celebrate that fact-which of course they should but i just find it a bit tricky.
I have to disagree with you tho about bonding with baby before the birth although it is painful to loose a baby once you are bonded to me there can be no other way of being other than bonded but that could just be me. I often think back to my dd, if i hadnt know she was a girl and had time to choose her name and some clothes and so on for her i would have lost everything. Knowing who she was and who she could potentially become was all i had with her and im grateful for every second of it.
With this baby i feel the same im loving baby and every detail i know about him/her beacause for all i know this might be all i get.

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