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Husband says he doesn't want our baby

(34 Posts)
Financeprincess Sun 21-Apr-13 22:48:19

Hello, I'm new, be gentle with me!

I'm 41 and around 4 weeks pregnant with my first, and longed for, baby.

I married my husband 4 years ago. He was divorced when we met, and had 2 children, now 18 and 16, from his first marriage. He's 48. We both have good careers and no money worries. I'd have said that we were happily married, although he can be quite selfish.

Before we were engaged, he told me, unprompted, that he'd be open to the idea of having more children. I wouldn't have married him had he not been; it was important to me.

When I turned 40 I decided that we should start trying for a child. I'd wanted us to have some time as a couple first. My husband announced that he'd changed his mind and was no longer amenable to my having a baby because "he liked his life as it is" and "babies cause lots of arguments". (He has the life of Riley actually. Lovely house, plenty of time to ride his bike and pay his guitar, nice holidays etc). As you can imagine, this bombshell caused an argument; I told him that if he reneged on our agreement and deprived me of the chance to have a baby, then on some level I would resent him for the rest of my life and it would ultimately poison our marriage. He caved in eventually, but periodically he'd go into a sulk and tell me again that he didn't want another child because he thought it would stop him from pursuing his hobbies! I think he's selfish.

Anyway, after more than a year of hoping and trying, I got pregnant. I did the test and I can't tell you how pleased I was when it was positive. I told my husband and his reaction was,"well, congratulations I suppose". It can't have been a shock. He knows about the birds and the bees.

Since then, he's barely mentioned it. He said, "don't tell anyone, there's a good chance you'll lose it". Last week he was pretty grumpy, and he said, "sorry if I've been a bit grumpy, I'm under a lot of stress because I'm worried about....." I waited for him to say,"", but oh no! The thing he was worried about was a work project.

He must have noticed I was upset, and asked me what was wrong. I told him that he didn't seem interested in the fact that we were having a baby. He told me, rather coldly I thought, that he didn't want the baby, that he thinks it will ruin our lives and that he thought I was being selfish for expecting him to be pleased about it! I was in tears and said that I didn't want to be carrying a little unwanted baby. He said that I was being unfair for not considering his feelings more. He said that he "might come around to the idea" and I should "ask him what he thinks in 9 months' time".

I mentally told the baby not to listen, sorry if that sounds a bit bonkers.

I've got my first GP appointment tomorrow and he won't come with me because he thinks he'd be "hanging around like a spare part".

As you can probably tell, I'm really upset. I feel really unsupported, although I'm lucky to have a lovely family.

Has anybody been through something similar? What did you do and how did you cope? Would really appreciate any advice. Thanks.

CautionaryWhale Mon 22-Apr-13 15:14:31

Congrats and good luck btw! thanks

You never said whether he has 2 dd or ds or both btw - for me and mine totally irrelevant as DH just wanted me and the kids to be healthy...but again, without condoning it, he may feel he has been there, done that with one of each [sceptical] if not, maybe that will be an inroad? Gives self a biscuit
Bottom line - your child will be loved by you and your family and hopefully its adult siblings. And it is a miraculous wonderful thing. So try to reduce your stress levels, hard i know, have a brew and put your feet up xx

CautionaryWhale Mon 22-Apr-13 15:16:30

'one of each' hmm

chipmonkey Mon 22-Apr-13 15:45:10

Wallys, before they got married, he told her he'd be open to the idea of having more children. If he wasn't he should have told her then! And when you're 40, that decision HAS to be made quickly, if you hang about, it might not happen.
He's being an arse.

Teaandflapjacks Mon 22-Apr-13 16:51:15

Finance - I am sorry you are having such a hard time here. Here is my essay - in case it helps you! I thought I would share the very recent experience of a very close friend of mine in the hope it helps. She has a 5 yr old son, and was desperate for another. When she knew we were TTC, and another one in our group fell pg, she really wanted it more and more. Well she got all of us to try and talk to her DH about it, and he was having none of it. He had changed his mind, he said, and only wanted one child. And that we should all please butt out. So we did. Then a couple of months later, we heard they were TTC, he had flushed her pills down the loo. He said he couldn't live with her resenting him, but he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy, if it happened. She had trouble conceiving the first time, so I am sure he thought it maybe wouldn't happen... Anyway, they did get pg, fairly swiftly, and he was shocked. He carried on as before, going put boozing loads etc, leaving her at home with the little one, and just said 'you got what you wanted' all the time. He never went to any appointments with her (he is his own boss so would have been no issue for time off work etc), and they are very wealthy.

My DH is his best friend, so after a time we got a bit worried, and I would drive my DH to the pub and drop him off and pick him up (like his Mum!) and see if there was anything going on. We even thought maybe he is having an affair etc. He wasn't - he just didn't want his life to change, and was a bit scared we thought. They had got into a good routine with number 1, he just didn't want to do it all over again - the sleepless nights, the nappies, the vomit, the shit, they would have to change cars, they would have to eventually move house as their place would be too small (guest bedroom now nursery) etc etc, they would be 5 years older before they were 'done'. The cost was not an issue for him - they have a lot of money. He told my DH he didn't want to be there for the birth (was with number 1) and said thats what doctors are for etc etc. He was boozing till term in her pg, then she went overdue. Suddenly we saw a major change, she had to go in and be induced in the end, he was there for all of it, including the midwife saying 'get round hear and get a load of this - she is crowing!! you don't want to miss it!' and strong arming him round shock. He says he was glad in the end, and is like dad of the year now. She is FF so he can assist and bond too - and it has worked wonders this. A genius move on her part TBH. He dotes on him, and says he can't imagine life without him.

It was a gamble - as huge one on her part - but paid off. You say he is 48 - well he will be 66 when the baby goes to Uni or leaves home - this must freak him out a bit, I am certain he must think about that, and all this entails. You rather tellingly said he was stressed about a work project - well it sounds to me like he probably worries about working into his late 60's now, and the cost of it all, and his pension, and on and on. I think if I were you I would put my feelings right out of it - sometimes there is not enough space in a heart to heart for both of your worries- he listened to yours and you got what you wanted out of it. Now you should afford him the same in return. I would go to him and say talk to me about your work problems, tell me about your worries, even if it hurts me, I want to be there and listen, like you did to me, we are a team. He may open up to you and you can find a way through. I would try and do all of this first before counselling TBH - this may send him running for the hills if you haven't at least gone to him and tried to walk in his shoes for a bit and understand his POV. The baby is there now, and obviously you wont terminate, so you need to find a way back to him - and sharing his burdens, so he doesn't feel alone, is the way to do that. Just thinking 'what an arse' wont get you through this - you need to dig deep for him, if you feel like there is something worth saving. And often men go to extremes when they are afraid, and say the absolute tail end worst of their emotions, in my experience.

Good Luck!!

WallyBantersYoniBox Mon 22-Apr-13 22:36:28

chipmonkey yes I'm very clear that he agreed that, but he was allowed to change his mind, as is the fundamental human right of most free humans. And he clearly expressed this thought before TTC. This was when the conversation about the seriousness of the repercussions of pregnancy should have begun.

Fom both sides obviously. He is as an arse for having unprotected sex in the middle of the issue, and an even bigger arse for making ridiculous assumptions about being able to conceive. Without doubt.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing, and the op needs to deal in the here and now. I would be sitting down to agree on expectations with the baby and how they can both achieve what they want in life whilst still having a child in the picture.

badguider Mon 22-Apr-13 22:45:12

You need to spend the next few months talking talking talking about how life will be when the baby comes.

I personally don't see why you'd want him at your first appt with the doctor. I have only had my DH at scans as other appts are largely about me rather than the baby and certainly there hasn't been a role or expectation that i'd have my husband at the other appts. He will come to the parenting/birth classes though.

You need to talk about how you're going to organise your time with a baby/child to have time for yourselves as well as together as a family. DH and I are talking a LOT about how we're going to manage childcare and also both get our hobbies/sport/fitness interests in. We believe it's important to both look after ourselves mentally and physically and not selfish to take that time.

You need to reassure him that life won't end entirely as a parent. But HE needs to understand you CANNOT tolerate him being down about the whole thing for your entire pregnancy. That would be deeply unfair.

If you don't think you can have those conversations, properly, thoroughly and honestly, just the two of you then you MUST get a counsellor involved to help facilitate these conversations now and certainly before you get anywhere near the birth.

Good luck!

Michellephant Tue 23-Apr-13 13:35:09

I think it is unfair to point out that you said "I" and "me" a lot in your post.
Your husband already has children, obviously the desire to have a child with you isn't as high a priority as your own desire as someone who is 40 and does not yet have children (though I'm so pleased that you have fallen pregnant! Congratulations!). The time ticks away rapidly for women so time is of the essence.

Good for you for being honest about it and giving him the opportunity to have his say. Nobody FORCED him to stay with you and have unprotected sex with you. He's not a child who can't make his own decisions or say how he feels! He's clearly done that and carried on having unprotected sex with you anyway. Now, like anyone else, he has to take responsibility for his actions.

If he doesn't come around in 9 months time then it'll be his loss. Your baby will have plenty of love from you and, coming from someone who didn't grow up with their dad in their life, that will be more than enough. If he does come around then he'll hopefully realise how unreasonable he has been and how much he missed out on when you were pregnant. It's such a magical time, don't let someone ruin that for you.

chipmonkey Tue 23-Apr-13 20:25:33

Of course he's allowed to change his mind but surely if you are with a woman approaching 40 who wants children, it's only fair not to mess her about and keep changing your mind? And still more unfair to ruin what should be a lovely time by being a sulky-arse?

honey86 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:55:08

err its abit strange how he waited til you were married til he dropped that bombshell. so you were legally tied to him. he prob thinks that marriage makes him immune from being left.

if that was me id walk out on him. hed soon be moaning when hes old and bald and no-one wants him.

clearly he only thinks about himself, so only right you should think about you and the baby only x

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