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father of my baby (due sept 2013) has another baby due a month later... help

(24 Posts)
London2DevonMama Wed 17-Apr-13 12:43:48

I only joined this site the other day as I felt you might be able to assist me and offer some advice re my situation.
I am a 24 year old professional female living in London. In January 2013 I discovered I was pregnant. The baby's father was an old friend who I met years ago (when I was roughly 16) and saw again in December 2012. Over the course of Christmas we met up a few times and had sex.
I didn't tell him for 3 weeks after I found out as I needed time to decide on my own what to do, and to be sure that I made my decision regardless of his opinion or involvement, as I felt I could potentially be happy going to forward being a single mum if he said he was adament he didn't want to be a part in the baby's life. When I told him initially he was negative - he was anxious and shocked and worried and didn't want a baby. He is 27 years old. He lives in Devon. Despite his negativity and shock, he said from the word go that he would be involved and be supportive and be a good father to the baby.
Fast forward 3 months - we'd been in semi-regular contact. I'd been meeting up with him every few weeks to have a chat, share experiences, get to know each other a little more. Slowly I felt as though I could be reassured that he would be there for me and the baby, and that he was starting to feel more positive and even slightly excited about the baby's arrival.
Last week he revealed to me that in the 3 week period when I knew I was pregnant but hadn't told him, he'd had a drunken 1 night stand. Subsequently the girl is pregnant and has decided to keep her baby. I felt disgusted, humiliated, jealous, angry, sad, disappointed, confused and hurt. I still feel all of those, although I am in a less hysterical state.
I feel like this has changed everything. I feel as though the situation has turned from unconventional but positive to downright sordid and worthy of being on Jeremy Kyle. I feel hideously jealous of this 2nd girl and the fact that she is taking away how special my baby is going to be. And ruining the relationship that he is going to have with my baby. I feel confused about the whole situation - I don't know whether to allow him to be involved or to put a stop to the whole thing and go forward 100% solo, on the basis that at least that way there'll be less hurt and less disappointment and less emotion than if I allow him to be involved.
I feel confused about how this will pan out long-term. He said that he is not in a relationship with the other girl and will not be. Naturally I feel as though they are going to get together and fall into happy family mode, and my poor baby will be on the outskirts as the 'extra' one.
If I make the decision to not involve him I can move forward, get stronger and know exactly where I stand. However, he is saddened at the thought of not being involved. As far as he is concerned, he made a stupid mistake, he's been incredibly unlucky and he needs to face his responsibilities and do all that he can to be a good father to both babies.
The other girl is a mother to a 2 year old already. She is not as concerned as I am about the situation we face - she certainly does not feel as worried as I do about the future of it all. I feel anxious about how my baby will feel to know it has a half sibling who is a few weeks difference in age. I feel guilty about making the choice to not give my baby a father when potentially he could be a good father (I have nothing to gauge how present/supportive he will be) when the father is saying he wants a chance.
To fill you in on the practicalities - I was planning to relocate to Devon in June/July to be nearer to my immediate family and nearer to him. I have part-time work lined up with a friend who is self employed when I am ready to work (I can do the work from home) The mother of this 2nd baby now due a month after me lives in Devon, very close by to the father of my baby.
i'd be grateful of your thoughts and suggestions and words. I know this is worthy of a Jeremy Kyle plot but I'm not quite ready to hear jokes about contacting JK yet...
Thank you for reading x

juneau Wed 17-Apr-13 12:54:05

I can understand why you feel upset and angry, but the situation is what it is. You can't change it now. You're moving to Devon for your own reasons and to be close to family. I think you have to try to put your own feelings aside (as best you can anyway), and think about your baby. S/he has a right to know her/his father and if the father is willing and keen to be involved I think you should give him the chance. The situation is far from ideal, but neither you nor the other woman is in a relationship with him, so neither of you has precedence over the other. Your baby will be precious and special to YOU and YOUR FAMILY and I'm sure s/he will also be those things to her/his father too. Please don't let this overshadow your excitement at becoming a mum. This will work itself out in time, but I think I'd just play it by ear for now and see what happens.

Floralnomad Wed 17-Apr-13 12:54:44

Sorry but I can't see what you're problem really is , you got pregnant by a man who you were not in a relationship with and are still not in a relationship with ,TBH he could have had numerous one night stands since or indeed be in a relationship and get other people pregnant . This is the sort of thing that arises when people are not more careful about contraception . I don't see how it will make him a worse parent unless you thought you were going to become a couple and TBH that could still happen if it is what you both want. How do you know that the other lady is not a s concerned as you ? Also he has not been unlucky he has been careless .

Ilovestackingcups Wed 17-Apr-13 12:56:00

You poor thing! I've no experience of being in this sort of situation, so can only offer advice.

So you have a partner, who is expecting two children within weeks of each other, yours, and the other woman's. If both he and she say that their conception was the result of a one night stand, I wouldn't worry too much about the strength of their relationship, or whether they will form a family unit and leave you and your child out in the cold. What would concern me more would be what relationship you would want with this man. He met up with you at Christmas, you had sex, you got pregnant. He then went away, met someone else and did something fairly similar with her. Please don't be offended, I don't mean to tar you both with the same brush, I can just see a similarity in the way he treated both of you.

So now you are both pregnant, and he wants to be there. Is this for you, or for his children? Does he want a family unit relationship with you? Is that what you want with him? If not, and you do want to move to Devon, his child will have good contact with it's father, which can only be a good thing as long as he wants to remain involved. There is nothing to stop him also wanting a good relationship with his other child, and by making sure you are in the same area as them, you will ensure that your child can at least have a chance at having equal access to it's dad as the other baby will have. If you do want a relationship with the father of your child, other than as a co-parent, I think you need to sit down with him and ask him outright what he hopes will come of this situation.

I would also say that if you are about to face the future as a single parent, then being closer to your own family and friends can only be an asset for you. Even if he is going to be involved with you, you'll want as much moral support to raise your child as you can get.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and don't waste your time wondering if you are going to be playing the part of the third wheel. This is your time to make sure your child and yourself get what you need and want from this man. flowers

IcingOnTheNappyCake Wed 17-Apr-13 12:56:11

That's so frustrating for you! I can totally see why you're worrying!
Have you talked to him about what he plans on doing? Because if your going to be near, chances are he'll still be very much involved. Also, I think you'd feel really guilty if you didn't let him have his chance to be a good dad, and that could lead to a very strained relationship where your baby might feel he chose them over you when they're older.
It sounds like he really wants to try and be a good dad, so I think it seems fair to let him, but it really is down to you. It might be worth just being completely 100% honest with about how you feel about it all, raise any concerns you might have and you'll probably feel a lot better afterwards. I really hope everything turns out well for you and your LO. flowers

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Wed 17-Apr-13 13:11:43

I think you should move this to relationships where you'll get some great advice.

It's hard to think clearly when you have pg hormones flowing around but you really must separate your hopes for a relationship with this man from his being a father. IMHO it would be unutterably selfish for you to deny your baby it's fathers input just because you're jealous. He's made a mistake, twice, but is willing to do what he can for both his children. Presumably you and he weren't in a relationship when he had the one night stand.

Frankly, as regards the other woman having his child too, you're going to have to suck it up. You were starting to hope for a relationship where you could have a more conventional family setup, but sadly there is nothing you can do about the situation you're in. It sounds like he wants to be involved with your baby and thats great. Personally, I'd make an effort to get to know this other woman to ensure amicable contact for the half siblings in the future.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to start making your baby your first priority, over and above your feelings.

Good luck.

MrsTotes Wed 17-Apr-13 13:24:55

It must be very difficult for you to process all of this, especially while pregnant.

I think the most important thing is to remember that at the outset you felt you could do this on your own. You have a plan to relocate so you have more support, and you've lined up work. You're obviously proactive and capable, and that's the important thing to remember.

All that other stuff is beyond your control, so you have to find a way to tune it out and focus on having a positive pregnancy because you don't want to look back on it as an unhappy time.

Also, you can't worry what may or may not happen between this man and other woman. You also can't worry about what his feelings are going to be for your child in comparison, but you can take some ownership when it comes to his access to your baby. Be smart. Be focused. And be sure that any involvement he has in your wee one's life is constructive.

You can get through this. Just keep thinking of the role model you want to be for your child, it'll help guide you to make the right choices. Good luck with it all.

PS - The next time this man says he was unlucky tell him he chose to have unprotected sex so it wasn't not "unlucky" it was statistically likely!

ExpatAl Wed 17-Apr-13 13:30:25

What MrsTotes said. Couldn't have put it better.

London2DevonMama Wed 17-Apr-13 14:39:16

Wow I'm overwhelmed with all of the responses - it was helpful enough writing everything out and posting it out into the 'ether' regardless of whether not people responded.

The switched on, focused, practical side of my brain is agreeing with all of the above and telling me that nothing has changed, that this baby will still bring joy, still be loved, still be living in the same set up as I accepted when I decided to do this alone.

But the emotional side of me is telling me that the situation is tarnished. I think when I narrow down what makes me sad it's a mixture of 2 things -
1) as much as I chose to have this baby without being in a relationship (for numerous personal reasons) and felt confident that I would have stuck with that decision regardless of his reaction, a part of me hoped that at some point the jigsaw could slot together. We were building more of a friendship and essentially going through a special, life changing experience together. I wasn't really allowing myself to even think about it consciously, as I knew it made things more complicated and meant I became less focused on the reality of it all. But I suppose i felt that it was an option at some point down the line. I knew deep down that it was unlikely, that the reality would be that he'd meet someone else and that would be a hurdle i'd have to face, but I wasn't expecting to deal with this scenario now.
2) I worry about the affect this will have on baby. When s/he is old enough to talk, to make relationships, to understand, will s/he feel that this is confusing or make him/her feel unloved or less special? I feel sad that s/he is one of 2 (practically a twin) but from separate families. I think this is my main, long term concern. Will his/her life be easier without this drama and mess? Will s/he be happier without a part-time dad who's struggling to bring up 2 children of the same age but (presumably) with different styles of upbringing?

London2DevonMama Wed 17-Apr-13 14:43:45

P.s yes, we spoke in depth on two occasions last week in person about how we'd go forward. The first time we spoke I was still in shock and couldn't see past the situation on paper and how upset it made me for the baby. I said that I didn't think he could be involved. The second time we agreed that as he felt certain he could cope with 2 babies, supporting both myself & the other mum & being a presence in both childrens lives then we'd give it a go. On the basis that if it began to cause great upset, distress and arguments then we'd obviously have to reassess. The other mother has said that she has no qualms about the two children knowing each other, spending time together and about him looking after both at the same time (we're talking years down the line here) I don't know how i feel about that, but equally there's plenty of time for me to get used to it and think about that when the time comes. Over and above everything else I think he wants to just 'do the right thing' now. And I worry that its just making him feel better by saying all of this, but that in reality what are the chances he'll actually be able to cope and be a supportive, positive influence on both childrens lives?

Iseeall Wed 17-Apr-13 14:55:13

Did you think that by meeting up every few weeks you were becoming closer, did you think that by moving back to devon you would become a couple. I think at the back of your mind or subconciously you were thinking like this. It is natural instinct when you are pregnant to want a supportive and interested partner.
I hope I have not offended you by being blunt but I think you are doing best by moving back to near your family,I hope they are supportive of you.
I can understand your shock at the moment but you have so much to plan for the future, try to think of your babies dad as an ex, not a potential partner and plan accordingly.
Don't dwell on the other baby, you can't predict the future, If dad will be around for either of his kids.
Please seek appropriate health care for yourself, stress is the last thing a pregnant woman needs, so look after yourself.

goodluck

Floralnomad Wed 17-Apr-13 15:31:10

Until you've actually got the baby you won't know what sort of father he turns out to be but let's be honest at the moment he does come across as a bit feckless. I think you should stop worrying about his involvement and having a relationship with the half sibling and concentrate on yourself and your baby . Personally I would work on the theory that you are going to be a single parent and if he turns out to be any use that will be a bonus but otherwise your baby will have a mother and family ( yours) that love and care for him/her and that is just fine .

London2DevonMama Wed 17-Apr-13 17:16:06

Yes, I suppose that a part of me must have done as that must be what is making me feel so hurt and envious and anxious. On paper nothing has changed - he was going to be involved as a part-time dad, he still wants to be. It was going to be me and baby on our own 24/7 (with support from family, friends, etc) and it still will be. I just feel as though this has rocked the boat.
To add to confusion, he is adament that he'd like to be coming to scan (in 3 weeks time) and also be present at the birth. I don't know how I feel about this. I worry that it will hurt me if he is present at both babies births, as to me it will be the most memorable, special, vulnerable day of my life and he'll just be doing it again weeks later. Or potentially earlier if I am late and other mum is early, which will devastate me further.
Also seeing him and newborn baby when I'm in that emotional state might not be best idea?
But if he will be at 2nd baby's birth, will he feel more of a bond with 2nd baby than mine if I don't allow him to be present?

expatinscotland Wed 17-Apr-13 17:28:07

What Floral said. Focus on YOU and the baby. The way this guy puts it about, for all you know, he has fathered other children besides these two.

If you are uncomfortable with him at the scan or birth, then tell him so and go with a friend or family member.

It seems like these chats and meet-ups with him are bringing you down. So stop doing them for now.

It's all a life-changing thing for you, because you are the one pregnant and having the baby, but for him it may be just another child he's fathered because this man doesn't use birth control.

sad

honeymoonmum Wed 17-Apr-13 17:33:50

I can see why you are upset. It's biologically normal to feel threatened by another child/ woman taking the attention/ resources of the father of your child. Poor you. A really shitty situation. I think you will need your family and if things don't work out with this guy giving your child what they deserve you can move further away. I think it's entirely normal to feel jealous etc. I know women who feel that way if a sibling announces a pregnancy at a similar time to them. They worry grandparents will favour other child or it will take magic away from their child/ experience. Its why parents are competitive, everyone wants their child to the most special. Accept your feelings are normal then try and decide what's best for you and baby.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Apr-13 17:34:15

Please don't compare the two babies...

When couples have more than one child, they don't love the first one more, or the second one more. They love both. Your first labour is probably more scary, but there's no difference in the love or care. He can love both of his children, and it won't make a difference what order they are born in, or that there is only weeks between them. It really won't.

Secondly, your child won't be messed up by having a half-sibling only a few weeks younger. They won't see it as weird: children never do. They will, however, have a great playmate, and a best friend, if they play together. Focus on the positives.

Floralnomad Wed 17-Apr-13 17:40:20

Absolutely agree with expat if you're not comfortable with him coming to the scan / birth don't let him come and don't worry about it affecting his bond with the baby ,if it does its because he wants to let it . My husband wasn't present at the birth of our second child ( a joint decision based on prior experience! ) and it did not in anyway effect his bond with her. Ultimately you must do whats best for you and your baby not what you think is the right thing to do for this man.

London2DevonMama Wed 17-Apr-13 17:41:08

Caja - as children, no. But what about when they start to understand about relationships and sex and familiies more? I was already concerned about explaining that their father and i were not in a relationship... This seems a step too far.

How would I feel if I knew at my age that I had a half sibling the same age (give or take days/weeks) I can't begin to think. I feel too blinded by my emotions and the stigma of it all.

I just want to do whats best for baby and unfortunately I don't think I'll be able to tell what that is until baby is born and father needs to prove himself.

expatinscotland Wed 17-Apr-13 17:44:25

Exactly, London, so I'd take a huge step back from this guy at the moment and focus on YOU just now because you are what's best for the baby. I'd do what Floral suggests and operate on the premise of being a lone parent and stop focusing on this man and your relationship for now because it's upsetting you.

lexib Wed 17-Apr-13 17:50:29

Online one tiny thing tomorrow add too all the great advice on here - you don't have to make every decision right now.

Wishing you lots of luck, and congratulations thanks

mrsmalcolmreynolds Wed 17-Apr-13 20:49:23

Hi - I feel for you at what is an extremely emotional and difficult time. If having a bit of space helps to put things in perspective then you should absolutely do that. Then when you feel able I think you need to take the excellent advice of many of the PPs and think about this carefully and with as little emotion as possible.

For example - you seem very concerned about the outward appearance of all this, referring to JK and stigma. With respect, this does not matter. What matters is that you and the baby's father (if his involvement works out) are honest with each other and work in the best intersts of your child. That is your job as a parent.

Also your concerns about confusion for your child/difficulty in explaining the situation later. Children are very open to different ideas, they have no ordconceptions about whatis normal. If you bring your child up with a solid sense of family then they will manage the rest with your support. Yes there may be comments in the playground but that is about the perceptions and hangups of other people, and need have nothing to do with the emotional and social wellbeing of your child.

Finally, more for some PPs than you I have to say that I am a bit hmm about comments on the father's fecklessness at having unprotected sex. If you are going to judge one party then be consistent and judge both..

mrsmalcolmreynolds Wed 17-Apr-13 20:50:29

preconceptions, obv

WeeS Fri 19-Apr-13 09:54:20

Didn't want to read & run. I really feel for you, what a horrible situation! I hope in the months to come you can feel better & more confident in being a single mum. I agree with what expatinscotland just said. I think you should focus on being a single mum. Try not to have any expectations of the father & just take each day as it comes. If in the future he lives up to his promise to be there for your child then brilliant. But for now, I am inclined to think you ought to be taking a close friend or family member to your appointments & scans.

gillybeandramaqueen Fri 19-Apr-13 14:36:55

I really feel for you. You have so much on your 'mental' plate... from what you have said it sounds like you have much stronger feelings for the father than the other mother has. For all you know, she might just have wanted another baby hence the one night stand. Some women are like this. Is there def no potential for a relationship with the father?

It's easy to say... but who knows how many pregnancies you might experience in your life... for all you know this could be the only one... so you absolutely deserve to enjoy it so please don't let anyone spoil this for you. Nobody can predict the future so try to take it all as it comes. It sounds like you have a good support network of family and friends.

Would you be cutting the father off from your child if this other situation didn't exist? Let him be a father in the meantime and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he puts a foot wrong, you can reassess.

Hang in there! And good luck... Devon is a beautiful part of the world to bring up a wee one! xxx

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