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Three month's pregnant and husband is comparing my body with other women's

(37 Posts)
exairhostess Wed 17-Apr-13 12:39:50

I'm new here, I just wanted to get the perspective of others on this one.
This is our second marriage, and I'm three months into my second pregnancy. I'm now quite visibly pregnant (I was let through fast track at airport security last week, saving us about an hour of queueing!)

Anyway, yesterday my husband was on his way back from work, when he phoned me to tell me that he'd had a meeting with a woman at his work who was 8 months pregnant, and that her bump was smaller than mine and that mine was huge by comparison (I'm only 3 months pregnant and apparently she is 8 months.) This comes after weeks of him expressing amazement at how massive I am so soon.

I burst into tears at this and told him I don't think it's appropriate that he's dicussing other women's figures with me. I had an episode of bleeding early on in pregnancy, I'm already worried that everything is ok inside my belly, this comment has just made me feel like I'm hideously abnornal and there's something really wrong with my pregnancy.

I'm due to have my first scan tomorrow, I feel so nervous and upset. My husband is furious with me, he says my reaction is totally unwarranted and he is perfectly entitled to discuss other women's figures with me as he is approaching the subject from a health perspective.

I should mention I'm a small person and I have already explained to him that I was a similar size in my previous pregnancy. This won't be his first baby either, so he's had the experience of having a pregnant wife before so he's not completely clueless.

No-one except my husband knows that I am pregnant, so I don't even have any friends or family I can turn to on this, so sorry for offloading like this, but I'd appreciate some advice on this.

ObiWankenYoni Wed 17-Apr-13 12:41:46

You will be if this isn't your first pregnancy

Sorry, but you H is bloody insensitive.

Maybe you need to be discussing his penis size with friends wink

YoothaJoist Wed 17-Apr-13 12:43:18

He's furious with you????

Tell him you don't need his 'fury' or his inappropriate and unhelpful comments (and I'm not sure other women would welcome him scanning the size of their bodies, either, even if it is for purposes of comparison).

Sorry OP. He needs to get a fucking grip and start supporting and reassuring you, not making you feel bad over something so utterly irrelevant.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 17-Apr-13 12:43:35

he does sound very critical - does he think it is somehow your fault that your bump is big? What health perspective does he mean?

phantomhairpuller Wed 17-Apr-13 12:43:36

I think you're overreacting hmm he was merely commenting on the size of your bump in comparison to someone else's. personally I don't see what part of that is offensive.
Are there twins in the family? Could that be why you're so big so early on? Didnt mean to sound like I was having a go btw but you said you wanted opinions confused

Kiriwawa Wed 17-Apr-13 12:44:04

He called you to tell you about this other woman's bump? WTF??

What an utter cock. I don't blame you for being upset.

YoothaJoist Wed 17-Apr-13 12:44:55

If it were just a matter of his comment about respective bump size, fine.

But it's his 'furious' reaction that's the problem. Twunt.

ouryve Wed 17-Apr-13 12:49:05

Women can be stick thin and have a massive bump or large and not even look pregnant. Also, if the space between your pelvis and ribs is short, then the only way is out, so he's been pretty unreasonable on that count and an absolute dickhead about your reaction.

ChunkyPickle Wed 17-Apr-13 12:51:36

Size of bump comparisons are one thing, but 'from a health perspective' ? What on earth does that mean? Bump size has nothing to do with health that I can think of...

islingtongirl Wed 17-Apr-13 12:51:47

I don't know re: being ok about commenting on bump size. It can be a sensitive subject for many women, especially if you are nervous about the pregnancy already - and who isn't, especially in the earlier stages. I wouldn't like to be told I am "huge" compared to someone else and the implication something is wrong with me/baby...so I completely understand your reaction OP. As for the "furious! comment, that is completely uncalled for and unhelpful. You need to have a serious chat with him about how he is making you feel - do you find it hard to get your feelings taken seriously? Seems he is being rather selfish in this...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 17-Apr-13 13:00:57

He sounds like a total arse.

I would be tearing a strip off him when you see him, and putting him right on the back foot.

If there is any suggestion that he thinks he is justified in his attitude and his 'fury' towards you, then I would be seriously questioning the relationship.

Snowflakepie Wed 17-Apr-13 13:03:08

All women and all pregnancies are different. If you carried large before then that could just be the way your body is made. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong, so try not to worry too much. Easier said than done.

You are hormonal, scared and currently not able to talk to real life people as its so early. So it's not an overreaction in the circumstances, although i can see how it might look to others. I do think you maybe need to explain to your DH that you are worried anyway, feeling uncomfy and scared and that comments about how you might be in some way 'abnormal' just fuel those fears. He may not have meant it that way but that's how you've taken it, so he needs to know that. I hope that makes sense?

From the other side, I have a long waist despite being short in height and it means my babies hide, so I look small. That's just as worrying in its own way. I'm only just getting people noticing that I have a bump now at 31 weeks, and refusing to believe me when I tell them. I hate being compared to others, as a couple of DHs colleagues are also about the same stage. He knows not to say anything to me about size as I have told him before that it bugs me. There's still a long way to go so I think it's better to say something now and leave it there, rather than keep having comments made that upset you.

LandsN Wed 17-Apr-13 13:05:14

hi we are very similar in many ways I am 3 months pregnant with my scan tomorrow too smile I am also small size 6-8 to the point I am under a consultant cos my bmi is lower than it should be I too have had bleeding (4 scans already) and have a large bump already but there is a big difference my DP does nothing but tell me how nice I look and how well I look even though I feel like poo and look even worse and I have flown off the handle over tiny things over the last few weeks including other women at work etc and he just smiles at me and spends as long as it takes to make me feel better and realise its HORMONES!!! he has no right to be furious at you I would feel the same and needs to understand how you feel! hope you are ok xx

gardenpixie32 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:10:33

My bump was big by 12 weeks, my DP made similar comments. I just told him I was good at growing babies. I also liked it when he said my bump was big, it made me feel like everything was developing well and how it should be. Perhaps your hormones are making you a bit sensitive? I wouldn't worry too much. We found out we were having twins at our 13 week scan, you may in for a big surprise tomorrow!

FarmersGoodWife Wed 17-Apr-13 13:11:18

Hi
I am now 34 weeks pregnant and since I was 10 weeks pregnant I have looked 'very' pregnant. By 16 weeks I looked about 30!
At about 25 weeks it seemed to slow down, but I am so very conscious of how huge I feel and how big I am. DH is very sensitive about it though which helps though I do find that I pick up on the most innocent comments as massive insults. Your DH is being unreasonable and unsympathetic but maybe he didn't mean it to sound as harsh as it has come across???

MoodyDidIt Wed 17-Apr-13 13:12:11

shock

i am sorry, but what a wanker

DameFanny Wed 17-Apr-13 13:23:28

What the PPs said. Maybe you should show him this thread?

And then change your name so you can keep coming back :-)

littleducks Wed 17-Apr-13 13:51:43

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'm about 3 months pregnant and look a bit fat, which tbf I probably am. I think as long as you don't measure hugely under or over (and I don't think they measure you until 16/20 weeks) bump size doesn't indicate any health concerns.

Maybe it is better to get a bump now, than balloon up at the very end...less stretch marks?

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 17-Apr-13 14:16:12

I don't think there's anything wrong with making comparisons if they're innocent and made out of curiosity. DH and I have been comparing my bump to a couple of other family members of his who are pregnant, pregnant celebs, etc. It's our first baby and we are interested in the changes that are happening to my body, that's all.

It's the fact your DH is being critical with it, and the fact he is furious with you - what on earth for? - that rings alarm bells. You need to tell him it's upsetting you.

lexib Wed 17-Apr-13 14:18:13

Does he perhaps somehow feel that this isn't a ways he can get involved in the pregnancy? I can totally see why you're upset - i would be too - butterfly they are strange acting creatures sometimes when relating action to meaning...
Agree with the other poster in that size should be a 'don't discuss' topic after you've talked to him - have told my dh any size /weight comment should be avoided whilst I'm pregnant as I'm growing a baby in there!

worsestershiresauce Wed 17-Apr-13 14:29:59

I think we can all be a bit sensitive about size comments in a way that most men aren't, so they don't get it. My DH kept telling me I was HUGE (with an air of wonder and amazement). I wasn't thrilled, but tbf I was. I'm a skinny size 8 with a tiny bone structure so the baby had nowhere to hide. She was all out in front and I looked comical.

He is saying you have a big bump, which isn't the same as accusing you of being a greedy overweight cow.

exairhostess Wed 17-Apr-13 14:41:53

"Women can be stick thin and have a massive bump or large and not even look pregnant. Also, if the space between your pelvis and ribs is short, then the only way is out, so he's been pretty unreasonable on that count and an absolute dickhead about your reaction."

Thanks for that ouryve!

I'm only 5'3" so yes the space between my pelvis and ribs is short, I can feel my ribs moving apart slowly like they did last time, it's actually quite painful! So I guess for me, the only way is outwards. And yes there is a family history of twins, my mum was a twin. So it could be lots of things.
I just don't appreciate being made to feel a freak and don't see it appropriate for him to draw comparisons between my body and anyone else's.

I feel a lot calmer now. Thanks so much for all of your replies... I must just be super sensitive right now. Need to get a thicker skin if I have another 6 months of comments to endure, because let's face it, I won't be getting any smaller.

I've sent him a text saying we should put this behind us, and I don't want him to compare my appearance to anyone else's. He can always phone my midwife if he's worried about my size, because I've explained to the best of my ability that I was a similar size last time, and I'm afraid I can't do much more than that.

Yes I did react badly to what he said - bursting into tears and telling him it wasn't appropriate, but he should be more tactfula and leave it at that instead of arguing that he is right, I'm wrong and get angry with me.

At least at the scan tomorrow I can find out if I am normal or not!!

Thanks for all your replies, it's good to know not everyone thinks I'm being totally unreasonable.

Startail Wed 17-Apr-13 14:43:22

Me may be insensitive, but when you really think about it women are conditioned to be far far to hung up on what we look like.

Worrying what we looking when pregnant is even more pointless.

Startail Wed 17-Apr-13 14:43:56

Men not me.

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 17-Apr-13 14:46:41

Of course you are normal. There's no 'right' way to look while pregnant. Good luck for your scan.

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