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Mw being very negative about taking dc to booking appointment!

(26 Posts)
workingonitagain Sat 06-Apr-13 10:08:09

i have a 3 yo and a 18 month and have my booking app and as have no family around and couldn't get anyone to watch them. i mentioned the mw that i'll have to take them with me to my booking appointment and she wasn't very nice about it and said
" i have to concentrate and do blood test so they can't be running around otherwise i'd have to cancel the app
Belive me i DO NOT want them to be there.
Although ds1 was there when i when i was pregnant with ds2 and midwife never said anything and was lovely about it.
i know they'll play nicely and won't be a problem but it makes me feel very angry that she just assumes that everyone can get help from somewhere. It's not always possible.
Not a good start of the relationship between me and midwife.
she was just very negative to start with as mentioned that i had a mmc last december where baby just didn't develop right (there was also a blood clot next to sac) and this time when i had an early private scan they noticed that there is a blood clot next to sac but baby seems to be developing ok so obviously im very nervous that this might end up the same way and her first words were that they DO NOT do scans before i am past 12 weeks. That's rubbish! i have had scans every week when i had mc last year.Anyway she said she'd put a request through but not to expect much before im 12 weeks. i don't know if it's just my area but i haven't had a community mw who i tought was very knowledgeable or to have empathy for people. the ones who work in hopspitals i had a lot better experience with.
sorry for the rant but very stressed anyway without having to deal with rude mw

fanjodisfunction Sat 06-Apr-13 10:11:30

She's sounds like she needs a biscuit
You are in your rights to change midwife, I would if I were you, you need a good relationship with your midwife and I don't think that's going to happen for you.

Picturesinthefirelight Sat 06-Apr-13 10:14:02

Both of my booking in appointments were done at gone (2 different areas)

It never occurred to me not to take dd with be to all appointments she was 2 at the time and I couldn't ask duly members to take time off work to have her as they all worked full time.

For my first scan she went to the antenatal clinic crèche. I even tried to organise appointments around her nap times.

Just done mention it any more and present them with a fait accompli.

sweetiepie1979 Sat 06-Apr-13 10:25:00

Make a complaint change your midwife. I has a booking in app about 4 weeks ago. My dc 19 months was a monster and cried the while time, tantruming, emptying the bin stealing the midwifes lunch I was so embarrassed it was horrendous dc usually fine but was just not enjoying the booking app. Midwife was so massively patient inside she must have been thinking what a little shit. But she was amazing! She did as much as age could test wise for me then let me take a break take little one out for. Break so she could take blood from me. I have no family nearby either. So I'd say change Midwufe Op and tell them you need someone with bedside manner.

tasmaniandevilchaser Sat 06-Apr-13 10:27:41

Firstly congrats on your pregnancy. Sorry for your loss, I know pg after loss is so stressful. It doesn't sound like your mw is particularly sympathetic confused. I would expect them to have some degree of empathy, but I haven't had much support from my MWs after 2 very horrible losses. Maybe it's just not in the job description anymore!

Re the booking appt I would just take your DC along with lots of toys/entertainment, I've always taken my DD. Maybe the MW has had bad experiences with other people's DC? I know my 1st booking appt with her the MW looked visibly relieved that DD just played quietly and said she was welcome anytime!

Re the scans, she sounds like a cow!!! In my area you can self refer to the EPAU, is that possible? I had a reassurance scan at 10wks this time around. That was just for my mental health not for any health reasons (I'd already had 2 early scans because of previous ectopic pg).

Anyway you don't need any extra stress right now, is it possible to politely ask to change midwives?

Kt8791 Sat 06-Apr-13 10:49:08

I would make a complaint and change midwives. With DC1 I saw an awful midwife at my booking appointment, was in and out in 15 minutes. I expressed that I was a little worried about scan and she said if there was no baby I would just have to deal with it at the time. Had another booking appointment at home with a senior and very lovely midwife. Now expecting DC3 and took my boys to my last appointment and they were wild!! Midwife was so lovely, told me not to worry about what they are up to. Usually only have one with me. So many of us have to bring children to appointments, don't ask, just turn up. Congratulations!!

workingonitagain Sat 06-Apr-13 10:58:15

Thank you so much ladies. that makes me feel so much better. that's exactly what dp was telling me and my friend. i should not ask just take them and that's life. im just feeling very deflated at the moment and struggling a bit to look after kids and not sure if im ready to take on a rude midwife or to start complaining. not to mention i would have to go through my gp who is just as bad.
i have another private scan booked for monday and think i'll just go for the booking appointment later on the week and see how she really is...
thank you again for the support xx

gorionine Sat 06-Apr-13 10:59:52

Congratulations workingonitagain! I have 4 dcs which means that every new pregnancy I had an extra child with me for my appointments (up to 3 obviouslygrin) I never even asked, just took them with me and was never told by MW or Dr not to. Do what is right for YOURSELF!

workingonitagain Sat 06-Apr-13 11:10:53

thanks gorionine. it's probably the way i said it "im sorry but i'm going to have to take my kids with me" shock that made her think that im just gently telling her that they are monsters and they will be awful smile

tasmaniandevilchaser Sat 06-Apr-13 11:37:01

aww, bet they're lovely! I can really empathise with struggling to look after kids when you've got so much going on in your head. And I've only got 1! DD has watched a lot of DVDs over the last year.

tasmaniandevilchaser Sat 06-Apr-13 11:39:46

great that you can have a private scan, hope it all goes well on Monday. I had a private scan at 33 wks (as I just needed yet more reassurance), it was lovely.

MiaowTheCat Sat 06-Apr-13 12:26:31

Good god - my midwife was only too happy for me to take DD1 to all my appointments... she'd been my midwife through that pregnancy (and awful birth saga) so she was keen to see what progress she'd made from a teeny tiny prem baby (and to be honest, she was more use than my flipping health visitor on asking the odd DD1-related quick question!)

Fairylea Sat 06-Apr-13 12:30:09

Wow she sounds a bundle of laughs doesn't she. Why is she doing the job when she so clearly hates children so much? My mw was always happy to include dd at appointments even showing her which part of ds she could see on my bump!! Clearly that's a bit the other way but there should be no comment made about bringing other dc..not everyone has childcare !

NoodieRoodie Sat 06-Apr-13 13:32:21

My MW was surprised that I didn't bring DS (16 months) to my booking in, luckily DH could have the afternoon off work and I felt that it would be quicker and easier going on my own.

Her attitude made me feel happier about future appointments when I will have DS with me as it seems like it's the normal thing to have them tagging along.

minicreamegg Sat 06-Apr-13 17:51:06

I took my DS to my booking appointment on Friday, he's just turned one. He was fine up until I was getting my blood then all of a sudden nearly ripped the needle out of my armhmm. He then decided that he would lie and head butt the floor, midwife just laughed at him and said "that's right, you do that it's safer that way" I was mortified but no-one else seemed to be bothered.

WildeRumpus Sat 06-Apr-13 19:57:00

aw that's horrible! I have had three different sets of MWs: one for booking-in; one up north for first 30 weeks then moved down south and so have a new MW. Each set have been so kind to my (grumpy, bored) DS, they all had toys and books for kids that they gave him during the appts and so I just feel that is totally normal. My friend's toddler DS would even hold the Doppler when they would go!

Isn't it all about family, like, er having kids? so why would you purposefully have to leave your other child(ren) behind?!

And what kind of a MW hates children?!! Change asap! smile

Bodicea Sun 07-Apr-13 01:24:55

Personally I think pateints should go out of their way to find alternative care for their children at appointments. If someone is a solicitor or accountant or any other professional that has to concentrate no one expects them to have children running around or crying distracting them but people seem to think health professionals just have to deal with it . Most are nice and polite about but believe me they find it annoying. A lot of people seem to think appointments and scans etc are a grand day out and bring the whole family. It is not appropriate. what if they have to give bad news. I am pretty sure people would be happy to put the blame on them if rhey miss somehong because they couldnt concentrate. Obviously if you are stuck fair enough but it should be the exception not the rule.

workingonitagain Sun 07-Apr-13 14:48:09

bodicea belive me if i could leave them at home, or with someone i would. i never thought that any midwife would enjoy the experience of shouting kids however i think when they chose to work as midwifes i belive one of their main reason (or should be) is that they enjoy building realtionships with others and part of that is looking after them emotionally and trying to reassure them. And as much as i value community midwifes they most of the time during a booking app dont have to make life and death situation decision. At least all the midwifes appointment i have been was either about taking info about me or checking me and if they are not sure they refer you to the hospital and i think thats when its a different matter and you should not take kids with you!

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 07-Apr-13 17:42:07

I have taken my children to financial advisor/bank and other appointments. It never occurred to me not to. What an odd premise.

Bodicea Sun 07-Apr-13 20:28:35

I am not talking about that, I mean like if you are an accountant and need to do your sums or whatever it is they do or a solicitor who had to study a case and needs silence - they don't have a child screaming inI the background. I am a sonographer and have to do things like asses the heart in extensive detail and I find it difficult to concentrate when there are children crying or running around the room. It is amazing how many people bring their children to the scan on purpose. Some appear to actually take them out of school.
I do think the midwife is being a bit over the top with op in this case. Dont really know what it is midwives do at the booking but i believe it is quite a long appointment. I personally never say anything to people that bring their children, but I am just trying to show things from a different perspective that perhaps people haven't thought about.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 07-Apr-13 21:10:01

They had a crèche when I had my scan. That was ideal.

Bodicea Sun 07-Apr-13 21:11:36

Oh that would be fab. I wish!

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 07-Apr-13 21:16:27

I think it was run by the wrvs. I also have a feeling it had to close sad

KarenHL Sun 07-Apr-13 21:25:34

I haven't felt v. 'looked after' by the 2 mw's I have seen in this pg (moved house). However, neither had a major issue with DD coming with me to all my antenatal appts with them - and as our nearest family live 2hrs away and I homeschool, it really isn't practical for me to leave her somewhere else.

However, the local Hospital does have a policy of no children when doing scans (IMO sonographers do not have an easy job & any distractions can make it harder. I had major issues in the previous pg and if the sonographer is distracted, things can be missed - but they are human grin). This policy is made very clear on all appointment letters and although I could not get childcare for one of those appts, we chose for me to attend the appt alone, so that DH could stay with DD. There is no way I would take a child out of school just to go to a scan.

Your mw doesn't sound v.nice. Admittedly some children can be v.distracting (even when nicely behaved), but at least you've warned her in advance that you might not be able to get childcare.

We do seem to get fewer mw appts after the first child (and mine said not to bother making another appt with her after 30-ish weeks as I'd be seeing the consultant), so I suppose you need to ask yourself if you're willing to see how it goes for the next couple of appts, or if you'd rather change to someone you might have a better relationship with now. In some ways I wish I'd changed, as although my mw is ok, I do not feel I can talk/discuss anything - and that means I haven't had anyone to talk things through with, which I would have liked after the previous issues.

getoffthecoffeetable Tue 09-Apr-13 08:41:09

Your MW doesn't sound very nice.
I'd recommend taking the kids in their pushchair just so you can strap them in for the blood taking bit. As long as they've got snacks and toys to keep them entertained I can't see the problem.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck

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