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I am 12 weeks ,have just told my fiance and he has told me to have an abortion!?

(35 Posts)
minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:19:01

Hi Everyone, I have come on here for some advice- I have been with my fiance for nearly three years we have a child together who is 18 months and i have got children from a previous relationship.. I found out I was pregnant and i told him on tuesday this week- since then he has been awful over the phone to me although he claims he isn't saying he can't and won't go through having another baby and that if i really loved him and want to be a family in our new home that we have bought together recently then I will have to terminate the pregnancy. I have cried so much. He is or was my soul mate, the person i thought i could rely on.. I feel awful .. I can't go through with an abortion and live my life with such guilt.

I have been nice, calm. angry, cross, upset and all of these things have had no influence on what he has said.

The man i fell in love with is now willing to turn his back on me, his child ,and my children.

Will this sadness go? Will he come around to the idea of the new baby? I am desperate for advice.. My heart is in a million pieces..

DaveMccave Mon 01-Apr-13 00:04:58

I'm sorry you are going through this.

In surprised you were prepared to go through a miscarriage without telling him, and the secrecy involved with your scan etc without his support. It makes me think this relationship wasn't a secure one in the first place? Does he give you any emotional support?

honey86 Sun 31-Mar-13 14:50:37

oh flyer! sad im so sorry you went through that thanks my mate caved in twice to two different mens demands... and they both walked soon as it was over. shes so depressed now i wish i cud do more for her sad glad your happy now though xx

Flyer747 Sun 31-Mar-13 09:54:17

I went through something similar a few years ago. My boyfriend at the time told me he didn't want to keep our child, we had only been together a short time (6 months) and it was an unplanned mistake.

I was devastated although I'm totally 100% pro choice on abortion. When it came to having one I struggled mentally and emotionally to come to terms with it. I wasn't so strong as other posters here, and I gave into his request. He did say he would stand by me, but I couldn't go through a pregnancy knowing its father didn't want our child. It was truly truly heartbreaking and still to this day it's the most difficult decision I've ever had to make.

On the day I sobbed and sobbed to him and begged him to change his mind, he didn't. I was wheeled into surgery and the next thing I knew I was awake and not pregnant, I felt totally empty. I became depressed and hated myself for not being stronger and saying no to him. As the weeks and months went on I truly regretted my decision and I resented my partner so much for what had happened, I began to blame him for everything, we constantly argued and 6 months later broke up.

My point is please please think long and hard before you make a decision and make the right decision for you, no one else, I wish I had.

Still to this day I think about that pregnancy/baby every day. An although I'm pregnant now (planned and very much both happy) but I honestly cannot stress how much it screwed me up mentally for quite a long time afterwards.

Good Luck xx

midori1999 Sat 30-Mar-13 10:55:19

If he was saying that he loved you and would stick by you regardless, but wanted you to terminate, that would be one thing. However, he is saying he will leave you and his own 18 month old child if you don't do what he wants. That is just not on and unless he turns up today apologising profusely and blaming his appalling behaviour on shock then he really isn't worth it.

I got pregnant at 19 to my much older boyfriend who tried to force me to have a termination saying he would leave otherwise. I said ok then, bye and he didn't go, although he left when our son was a few months old and I had severe PND. He would have left at some point anyway and although things were hard, that son is now almost 17 and the best decision I ever made, he is an amazing young man who I'm extremely proud of. Unfortunately, his biological father is still a prize arse and I really wonder what the hell I was thinking even being with him, he is such a loser and I just couldn't see it then.

Hopefully OP, you will one day look back on your partner and think the same.

honey86 Sat 30-Mar-13 10:47:26

im sorry but id sooner terminate the relationship if that was me. hes making you choose between him and your flesh and blood!! to blackmail you emotionally like that he must feel confident that you 'need' him.. in which case hes trying to control you. ive gone through enough volatile relationships to know a prick when i hear of one.

never ever terminate for a bloke. at the end of the day he could bog off at any point leaving you with regrets. do what YOU want, think about whats right for YOU.

im sorry if i sound awful i promise you i mean well... im not saying dont do it... im just saying dont base such a decision on a bloke's feeble threats... im sure there are plenty of people/professionals who will help you should you need it.

whatever happens i hope things turn out ok x

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 00:09:53

Thanks all for your kind advice- I know something love hurts..

Flojobunny Sat 30-Mar-13 00:08:00

You need to make the decision before you see him. Else he will try and coerce you and it will end in a huge row.
Decide and give him the facts first then leave him to process it.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 00:06:14

Should i see him tomorrow i am desperate for it all to be how it was on monday before i told him?? I want to be strong but men have worn me down.

Flojobunny Sat 30-Mar-13 00:02:32

I've been in a similar situation, except the other way round. I wanted an abortion as I didn't want to be a single mum again with a baby and he convinced me to keep it and walked out when I was 7 months pregnant. Now DD is 4 yo and he's never met her, no interest in her. Obviously now she's here I love her to bits, but it has been hard.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 00:01:30

We have been buying properties for investment which we have successfully done so much so our mortgage and council tax will be paid for by our other rental properties, we have finally exchanged on a new build which is currently being built for ourselves so that is why. I bought him a car, I have done everything.

pickles184 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:58:57

Having been in a not entirely dissimilar situation the only advice I can give is definately do not base a decision to abort on someone elses demand. Unless you are 100% sure that it would be the right thing for everyone involved (you,fiance,children) you will only end up feeling guilt and resentment towards fiance that will never go away. There is a chance when things have calmed down and he has got his head round it that you can repair the damage and move on, welcoming your unexpected addition along the way. It doesn't sound like you would be able to abort and then get on with life together as though nothing has happened even if you did as he asked.
I understand the heartbreak, someone you thought you knew and loved has reacted in a way that makes you question everything, no doubt made worse by all the pregnancy hormones.
Don't fear being alone, while far from ideal it has to be preferable to being miserable with someone who fails to stand by and support you and your children when you need them most.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:58:19

I found out earlier they said collapsed sac i was waiting to miscarry, didnt tell him because i just wanted to go through it and deal with it. Go back to hospital they scan and there's a 12 weeks fetus. That is what happened. I am so desperate for him to love me and be a family with me. I have done everything for him. I feel misled into thinking he actually cared.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:57:57

Sorry cross post.
Don't go and see him tomorrow. He has made his position clear. You need to take some time out for a couple of days and make a decision. Then when you have decided, tell him you decision and give him time to process it.
If you have been with him 3 yrs and have an 18 month old together. Is there a reason you don't live with him already?

Viviennemary Fri 29-Mar-13 23:56:28

I absolutely don't think you should have an abortion if you don't want one. You will regret it. And I agree with people who say this selfish thoughtless man might well leave anyway regardless. You should be getting support from him at this time not this hassle. But maybe he has just stressed out completely and panicked.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:54:59

Thanks for everyones kind words- I am lost for words. You think you know someone so well but then when something crops up it turns bad. I just wanted to be happy for once.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:53:48

OP you have a very difficult decision to make. It is hard from your post to work out if you have decided to definitely go through with the pregnancy or are waivering.
Why have you only just told him? Haven't you known for a month or 2?

catlady1 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:51:44

If you want to have this baby then don't even consider terminating for the sake of this arse man. It takes two to make a baby, if he didn't want to then he should have been more careful (you don't say if you were using contraception?). Like Nutcracker said, even if you do have an abortion, he might well leave you anyway,and you might well break up in the future over something else, and be left alone and with a great deal of regret. But if you choose your child (if that's what you want) then at least you'll have them and know that you put them first. It might seem daunting facing being a single parent but I'm sure you'll be just fine.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:50:21

The hospital said i had a collapsed sac and that i would spontaneously miscarry. Nothing happened so i go back to hospital and i see the lil one with head arms legs..etc they dated at 12 weeks.. I don't know what to do i said that i would go and see him tomorrow trying to be positive. But im killing inside.. I hate that pain you get in your chest and stomach.. it's awful

babyradio Fri 29-Mar-13 23:49:44

"if you really love me then you'll..." - this is the worst kind of emotional blackmail. Please don't do something you don't want to do because of him.

I'm wary of the term 'soul-mate' at the best of times but in these situations it can make it seem like you'll never survive without that person, when in actual fact you probably will do just fine given a bit of time.

You've said you've tried all the emotions with him, so stop trying. It's not actually you, it's his problem.

Be clear with him you want the baby and there's no room for debate on that. I'm sick of hearing about all these men who blame their wives and girlfriends for "getting pregnant" - as if they did it by themselves! If he was adamant he didn't want more children he should have had a vasectomy, it's a simple procedure. But no, it's easier to blame the woman isn't it.

With time he may come around, if he doesn't he's the one who loses.

I'm sorry you're going through this, there are loads of people on here who can offer you far better advice than I can, but I hope things improve soon.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:46:51

sorry i meant to say he is claiming to love me but won't or can't go through with a new baby. He has bombarded me with guilt about his feelings , the kids, everything.. Saying i have made his life a misery. He has no choice but to leave me.. So sad.. I can't believe my hero is now my enemy..I have got noone else to turn to. I wish this pain would go away.

NorthernLurker Fri 29-Mar-13 23:46:23

He's not 'having a say'. He's giving the OP an ultimatum.

OP - lots of men freak out when they hear about a baby. The ones who are worth having come round and are good fathers to all their children. The ones who don't aren't worth having.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:45:59

Of course its Minx choice, just thought he had the right to voice his concerns but if hes being that much of an arse why on earth are you marrying this guy?
If a guy threatened me like that, I'd say ok, see you. Even if I then had an abortion, I wouldn't want him.

BitsyVonMuffling Fri 29-Mar-13 23:45:38

How long have you known you were oregnsnt op? 12 weeks is quite precise. Have you been keeping it to yourself hoping you'll be past the stage where you would terminate?

willyoulistentome Fri 29-Mar-13 23:44:44

By the sound of him he's so selfish he may well sod off anyway.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:43:48

Oh, I misunderstood the bit were you said he isn't claiming he can't or won't go through with a new baby.

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