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I am 12 weeks ,have just told my fiance and he has told me to have an abortion!?

(35 Posts)
minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:19:01

Hi Everyone, I have come on here for some advice- I have been with my fiance for nearly three years we have a child together who is 18 months and i have got children from a previous relationship.. I found out I was pregnant and i told him on tuesday this week- since then he has been awful over the phone to me although he claims he isn't saying he can't and won't go through having another baby and that if i really loved him and want to be a family in our new home that we have bought together recently then I will have to terminate the pregnancy. I have cried so much. He is or was my soul mate, the person i thought i could rely on.. I feel awful .. I can't go through with an abortion and live my life with such guilt.

I have been nice, calm. angry, cross, upset and all of these things have had no influence on what he has said.

The man i fell in love with is now willing to turn his back on me, his child ,and my children.

Will this sadness go? Will he come around to the idea of the new baby? I am desperate for advice.. My heart is in a million pieces..

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 00:01:30

We have been buying properties for investment which we have successfully done so much so our mortgage and council tax will be paid for by our other rental properties, we have finally exchanged on a new build which is currently being built for ourselves so that is why. I bought him a car, I have done everything.

Flojobunny Sat 30-Mar-13 00:02:32

I've been in a similar situation, except the other way round. I wanted an abortion as I didn't want to be a single mum again with a baby and he convinced me to keep it and walked out when I was 7 months pregnant. Now DD is 4 yo and he's never met her, no interest in her. Obviously now she's here I love her to bits, but it has been hard.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 00:06:14

Should i see him tomorrow i am desperate for it all to be how it was on monday before i told him?? I want to be strong but men have worn me down.

Flojobunny Sat 30-Mar-13 00:08:00

You need to make the decision before you see him. Else he will try and coerce you and it will end in a huge row.
Decide and give him the facts first then leave him to process it.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 00:09:53

Thanks all for your kind advice- I know something love hurts..

honey86 Sat 30-Mar-13 10:47:26

im sorry but id sooner terminate the relationship if that was me. hes making you choose between him and your flesh and blood!! to blackmail you emotionally like that he must feel confident that you 'need' him.. in which case hes trying to control you. ive gone through enough volatile relationships to know a prick when i hear of one.

never ever terminate for a bloke. at the end of the day he could bog off at any point leaving you with regrets. do what YOU want, think about whats right for YOU.

im sorry if i sound awful i promise you i mean well... im not saying dont do it... im just saying dont base such a decision on a bloke's feeble threats... im sure there are plenty of people/professionals who will help you should you need it.

whatever happens i hope things turn out ok x

midori1999 Sat 30-Mar-13 10:55:19

If he was saying that he loved you and would stick by you regardless, but wanted you to terminate, that would be one thing. However, he is saying he will leave you and his own 18 month old child if you don't do what he wants. That is just not on and unless he turns up today apologising profusely and blaming his appalling behaviour on shock then he really isn't worth it.

I got pregnant at 19 to my much older boyfriend who tried to force me to have a termination saying he would leave otherwise. I said ok then, bye and he didn't go, although he left when our son was a few months old and I had severe PND. He would have left at some point anyway and although things were hard, that son is now almost 17 and the best decision I ever made, he is an amazing young man who I'm extremely proud of. Unfortunately, his biological father is still a prize arse and I really wonder what the hell I was thinking even being with him, he is such a loser and I just couldn't see it then.

Hopefully OP, you will one day look back on your partner and think the same.

Flyer747 Sun 31-Mar-13 09:54:17

I went through something similar a few years ago. My boyfriend at the time told me he didn't want to keep our child, we had only been together a short time (6 months) and it was an unplanned mistake.

I was devastated although I'm totally 100% pro choice on abortion. When it came to having one I struggled mentally and emotionally to come to terms with it. I wasn't so strong as other posters here, and I gave into his request. He did say he would stand by me, but I couldn't go through a pregnancy knowing its father didn't want our child. It was truly truly heartbreaking and still to this day it's the most difficult decision I've ever had to make.

On the day I sobbed and sobbed to him and begged him to change his mind, he didn't. I was wheeled into surgery and the next thing I knew I was awake and not pregnant, I felt totally empty. I became depressed and hated myself for not being stronger and saying no to him. As the weeks and months went on I truly regretted my decision and I resented my partner so much for what had happened, I began to blame him for everything, we constantly argued and 6 months later broke up.

My point is please please think long and hard before you make a decision and make the right decision for you, no one else, I wish I had.

Still to this day I think about that pregnancy/baby every day. An although I'm pregnant now (planned and very much both happy) but I honestly cannot stress how much it screwed me up mentally for quite a long time afterwards.

Good Luck xx

honey86 Sun 31-Mar-13 14:50:37

oh flyer! sad im so sorry you went through that thanks my mate caved in twice to two different mens demands... and they both walked soon as it was over. shes so depressed now i wish i cud do more for her sad glad your happy now though xx

DaveMccave Mon 01-Apr-13 00:04:58

I'm sorry you are going through this.

In surprised you were prepared to go through a miscarriage without telling him, and the secrecy involved with your scan etc without his support. It makes me think this relationship wasn't a secure one in the first place? Does he give you any emotional support?

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