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Husband in shock, #3 on way

(11 Posts)
MaybeAgain Thu 28-Mar-13 19:40:45

Sorry to just come straight in with a problem but I need to 'talk' to someone

We have 2 DC already, aged 9 and very nearly 7. Last year I decided I would love another child and brought the subject up with hubby. He didn't really take me seriously so I wrote him a letter just after Xmas explaining how much I wanted another. He said he would seriously think about it and when I suggested coming off my pill in prep in Jan he agreed but we would use condoms still.

At the beginning of March he had made a decision, he definitely didn't want another baby. I was devastated and was in a bit of a mess at first but have kept busy this month, planning a redecoration of the house!

However, on one occasion this month we had unprotected sex and much to my shock as well as his, I got a BFP this week. We DTD at the wrong time of the month and adding to the fact that we're both over 30, I never thought in a million years I would fall pregnant.

I've spent the past few weeks getting my head around the fact that I would never have another baby but my husband is in real shock. He won't talk about anything with me. I feel so alone right now.

He's asked me not to tell anyone, he said he needs to get his head around it, but I had already told my very close friend which he seems comfortable with so long as I don't talk to anyone else. She's been great but I feel like I'm putting all my worries onto her. I wish I could tell my mum but whilst my husband is like this and the fact that he's asked me not to say then I won't.

Has anyone else had this reaction from their OH?

He was so happy the previous times but I know this was unplanned so is different circumstances. The are so many things I'm concerned about and worried and usually share everything with my husband, I just want to be able to share this with him too. I know it's very early days too.

Sorry for the long moan blush

Gimmeechocolate Fri 29-Mar-13 08:03:44

I haven't been in the same position so don't have any advice for you I'm afraid, but I'm a big believer in things happen for a reason and what is meant to be is meant to be. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don't think it's fair of him to expect you not to speak to anybody if he won't talk about it with you. I think you need to sit him down and explain your worries and concerns. Good luck x

juneau Fri 29-Mar-13 08:13:49

adding to the fact that we're both over 30

Over 30? Many women are still fertile until well past their 40th birthdays and beyond. A 45-year-old getting pregnant is not that uncommon you know!

looneytune Fri 29-Mar-13 08:49:25

Not totally he same but I'm pregnant with ds3 and it was a total shock too. I have 2 boys already (a 10 year old another who will be 5 2 days after this one is due). I'm 37 and dh will be 52 around the time baby arrives. We'd decided definiely no more children, I'd have loved another one but dh insisted no more and tbh, I agreed that was sensible given our circumstances. We have big debts, I was a childminder and due to little ones moving up to school, I took on 6 new part timers in September and things were looking good business wise but dh was still out of work.

Then I got the BFP whilst dh was on the school run. I took the test so casually just for reassurance as I couldn't remember if I'd missed a period. I was in a state of shock when the result came up, I cried so hard, was shaking and terrified of what dh would say and I ended up on the phone to my best mate, hardly able to speak. To me it was the worst thing in the world that could happen. Dh got home and asked what was wrong and when I told him he was shocked but said 'obviously we were meant to have another and laughed'. I eventually calmed down and since then have decided it obviously happened for a reason (I believe in that!).

As our house wouldn't fit another baby upstairs I knew the only way round it was to move my boys in together (was dreading this due to their age gap and fighting!) but that meant no toys could fit so we'd have to turn the childminding playroom into their playroom which would mean stopping childminding after nearly 8 years! I was very sad about this but felt this was probably the reason, we've had big issues with ds2 (he's with/been with a few professionals) and this was the kick up the arse I needed to stop childminding! I was working with up to 7 children most days and although ds2 loved them, I think he struggled with lack of 'mummy' time.

Well, I'm now 28 weeks, the boys have already moved in with bunkbeds and are now amazingly best mates, I finished work on Monday (early due to how many left when they needed alternative care) and feel a HUGE relief and the house is so much calmer. Finances are a massive worry, both dh and I are now out of work but I strongly believe this will sort itself out and we'll be better off for it as a family! It's now dh who doesn't seem to feel the same way about baby, he's clearly very worried about it all and he doesn't feel him move inside me like I do so hasn't that same bond. But I believe he'll be fine once he arrives. It's not ideal but I strongly believe things happen for a reason. That's why my post is rather long, I wanted to show how this new baby has dramatically changed things for us but for the better imo. And to see ds1 & 2 become so close when I thought sharing a room wold be a nightmare has been so lovely.

Remember it's not just your fault you had unprotected sex! smile I really hope your dh comes round, have you tried sitting down and having a good talk about the situation? x

MaybeAgain Fri 29-Mar-13 12:07:42

Thank you for you replies.

looney it was nice to hear from someone in a similar situation and I hope your DH comes around just as I'm sure mine will really.

Feeling more positive today as I suggested DH go out with his close friend and maybe speak to him. He went out last night but was adamant he wasn't going to mention it. This morning he tells me that he did and his (our) mate is delighted. He bought him a celebratory drink.

We're both off for the whole of the Easter hols with the kids so hopefully this time, away from work, with give us both a chance to talk and get our heads around it all.

MaybeAgain Fri 29-Mar-13 12:19:31

juneau you read my post and you left THAT comment?? Seriously?

I won't go into detail about my history, as the community I lived in was reported in the papers and this could easily be googled and the joy of posting anonymously would be gone. But, I'm lucky to have my 2 DC already. To be pregnant again especially after 1 time is a miracle frankly.

I'm not many women

fuckwittery Fri 29-Mar-13 12:27:47

Hi me too, condom split and map failed so we have been unlucky to say the least! Dh has asked that we do not discuss it until first scan so we're not. I feel exhausted and sick (god I hate first trimester) but unable to complain about it. I feel like we've got a massive wedge between us too. Sorry I don't have a positive outcome story but I am hoping the scan will help. How far along are you? I found out 2.5 weeks ago and not too sure of dates.

juneau Fri 29-Mar-13 12:33:17

Yes, I did single out that bit, because it's utterly, utterly BIZARRE! Why on earth would you think that being 'over 30' would mean you can have unprotected sex and not get pregnant???

sjupes Fri 29-Mar-13 12:41:11

I totally agree with juneau - the first thing i thought of was two of my friends over 40 (one late 40's) who have had babies this past year.

Of coarse you can fall pregnant over 30!

I'm gobsmacked anyone can believe otherwise tbh.

fuckwittery Fri 29-Mar-13 12:50:47

You didn't mention your history in your op and why being over 30 in your circumstances meant it was unlikely you'd get pregnant

However to those picking up on it, op has explained it is a shock for her and her circumstances plus age mean it was very unlikely (don't really understand circs) but a little support or say nothing might be more helpful.

I'm 32 and very shocked due to double contraception failure must be v fertile!

FuelledByChocolate Fri 29-Mar-13 13:04:51

I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly when my children were 9 and 7. I had always wanted another baby in theory but wasn't trying for one and my partner was definitely anti having children (infact he had seen the doctor about a vasectomy but been told to wait as he was childless and only 28 at the time) he wasn't happy at all with the news that he was going to be a dad <understatement of the year>

My surprise baby is 20 months old now and he is amazing. He is the sweetest, funniest, adorable little toddler I have ever known. The age gap is brilliant, the older children play with him for hours, he is spoilt rotten by them, they are old enough to help too, and they are at school during the day so I got go nap with the baby and have cuddle times. It was fantastic, and I do not have a single regret. His dad came round eventually and they are crazy about each other.

(I recently had baby number 4....)


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