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A bit trivial - friends behaving oddly...

(23 Posts)
Teaandflapjacks Tue 26-Mar-13 01:50:55

Apologies in advance if this sounds rather trivial to some, and a bit long winded - but has anyone had experience of non pregnant/child ready friends being a weird? I feel a bit put out - it is to do with a small group of my girls, my best single friends back in the days, some of whom are in relationships now - one living with her bloke, one still single, one in a relationship. I think I am a good friend, being supportive though breakups, random idiot men being knobs etc etc. I live abroad in germany so I fly back to the UK when I can (5 trips last year), and saw one of my ladies in south america when she had a year travelling, we all went skiing together last year etc etc. But since I have been pregnant things have much been more distant - they all had a great ski trip which I did get asked to (before I knew I was pg - so ended up not going), and now they have a week hols planned in June - but nothing was mentioned to me, even though we all discussed it originally, and I was part of the group - I have just been wiped off the list! I found out via FB, as you do.

I have had loads of complications with this pg, and need to have further scans in a couple of weeks to check all is ok (but they are very cautious in germany so i am sure all fine), but never hear a peep really from them to check, unlike my married/pg/with kids friends etc. I know they want to get married (the ones in long term relationships do) and the ones that aren't would like a decent relationship - but I can't help the fact that i am pg and happily married - I just feel they think - "she has her happy ending" and been side lined. Like my problems aren't really 'problems'. I don't ever go on about the pg to them either, since I think it makes them a bit awkward, but that makes me sad. I know this sounds a bit daft - when there are so many other important things to care about, and I have got some really fab friends who are supportive, but it has got right on my wick this holiday business, partic when they all said they would come over to see me here, and we planned a nice weekend, but since I said I was pg, no more has been mentioned by them, despite my saying 'please come anyway' etc .. I guess I feel pissed off at the time and energy I put into these relationships and don't seem to get it back now. Anyone had the same experiences?

Mummysaysno Tue 26-Mar-13 04:32:53

Oh totally! I think some people are just better at being thoughtful and asking questions/showing interest!
I have friends who I hear from once every few months this pregnancy, say 'how are you' I say 'fine' and don't bother mentioning any of the issues I'm having with the pregnancy or my children...
You have friends in your life who do remember and take an interest, and invest in those friendships. You don't need to ignore the old friendships, but don't feel too dejected as you have other friends who wouldn't behave that way.
Hope this makes sense!

sweetiepie1979 Tue 26-Mar-13 05:21:46

Hey tea and flapjacks, really sorry this has happened and you've picked up on it. I'm afraid women do get very jealous when they are at baby making stage and it's not happening to them. Sorry, not all women obviously but some. It is in some ways beyond their control so that might make it easier to forgive them.i had it from a few friends and was shocked but u remember been at a dinner party at about 5 months with 5 couples who i didn't know very well. The women where all late 30s and they couldn't have been any unfriendlier toward me. I couldn't figure it out. One woman was even rude to my husband about it another was a paediatrician and sat for 30 mibs next to me talking across the table to her friend about still born babies. They all thought is been given a life sentence I was only 30! I couldn't believe how anti baby thy were. 6 months later 4 of them were pregnant. They'd all been trying for years. Then it all made sense. That was a group of women I didn't know very well so I could afford to not care. You in the other hand are going to miss your friends. Id make a decision now that you know they are going to be like this for the next 9 months and you can't let yourself get upset by it. Good luck and congratulations.

lookingfoxy Tue 26-Mar-13 07:31:37

I've noticed a couple of women who I work with being a bit off with me. There's no reason as we were quite friendly before and used to go for drinks etc.

lookingfoxy Tue 26-Mar-13 07:36:00

Oh and one friend who's been a bit strange. Other friends are about 10 years older and have grandchildren coming and are genuinely excited for me. One has told me it doesn't matter your age or circumstances but that you always get a bit broody and jealous if someone you know is pregnant.

worsestershiresauce Tue 26-Mar-13 07:53:30

The very first thing to understand when you are pregnant is that other people may not be feeling positive things about it for all manner of reasons. It could be jealousy, or sadness over their own pregnancy losses (many of your friends may have gone through this and not spoken of it), or just stepping back because you are at a different stage in life that they can't identify with. Try not to be hurt as it is not personal. You will find out who is able to support you in your pregnancy and who is disinterested/upset by it.

bluer Tue 26-Mar-13 08:05:18

Oh I it's horrible feeling like that. Ok I'm sure they honestly don't mean to be upsetting you...I've found that the non pregnant friends just aren't that interested, esp if you're the first in the group. I made a conscious effort with my friend when she was the second of us to get pregnant as I realised that I had, not deliberately but more oh she's tired and got enough on, neglected my first pregnant friend somewhat.
Maybe of you tell them how you feel they'll realise they've been selfish. <hugs ->

gertrudestein Tue 26-Mar-13 09:01:53

That does sound very hurtful, but I'm sure they don't want to hurt your feelings. How old are you? If you're not married and have no kids in your 30s, it can be quite hard - people make all sorts of assumpti

gertrudestein Tue 26-Mar-13 09:02:17

Sorry - too soon!
People make all sorts of assumpti

gertrudestein Tue 26-Mar-13 09:10:35

Aargh! Trying to say ... People make all sorts of assumptions (eg that youll never settle down, dont want kids, are too selfish ...) and can be quite cruel, which adds up to a lot of pressure which can be invisible when you're not in that situation. I don't mean friends of course, but acquaintances, colleagues. The world is quite an unfriendly place to women who aren't in a traditional family set up. They could well be dealing with a lot of complicated emotions that they don't want to trouble you with. Try not to take it personally, and give them time

Cordial Tue 26-Mar-13 09:12:29

I agree with everything said so far, I am so sorry for you and can empathise as I am going through something similar with my best friend. I would also say when you are pg it is harder to deal with the knocks and easier to be hypersensitive. I'm not saying you are here but I have felt a sense of isolation in my pg which has led me to feel very put out by things I would normally take on the chin.

Try hard not to think to much about this because you will only get crosser! Work on those friendships that nurture you now and return to the others later??

Right off to take my own medicine wink

crazyhead Tue 26-Mar-13 09:27:49

I'd second the question about your age - the older your friends, the trickier it can be. I'm mid 30s and newly pregnant and I have several friends who I know it will be complex for. I personally think it is a bit off not inviting you to the holiday you'd agreed, but the main thing is that I doubt this reaction has much to do with you. Give it time

Katnisscupcake Tue 26-Mar-13 09:37:47

I am guilty of being like that. One of my friends is PG, due in May. I haven't really been in touch since I found out she was PG (although in fairness things had been a bit rocky for nearly a year before that...).

I have been TTC for a year and had an MC back in July last year, no PGs since. I just find being around her too hard so I've had to keep my distance. I know that she has lots of other friends and family around, but I just can't be with her right now. She wasn't there for me at all during the MC and we'd hardly talked since, when she joyously announced her PG. Of course I said all the right things and I am happy for her, but inside I'm dying.

Do you know whether any of them have had any fertility problems? Could that be why?

purrpurr Tue 26-Mar-13 09:40:30

OP, just wanted to say you are not alone in this. I'm currently pregnant and can see my friends and family making the same mistakes with me that I did when my friends were pregnant and I was not. They are assuming my primary interest (perhaps even 'hobby') is now Being Pregnant and my brain/personality has been abducted by the great mother ship and taken off to a land where I am 100% genuinely occupied on a 24/7 basis by thoughts of meconium, breastfeeding, baby led weaning (at least I think that's what BLW stands for, it could be breast led weaning, but that makes no sense, maybe you point your breast like a gun at different foodstuffs and say to your infant, 'eat that', no idea) and I'm spending all my time washing and lovingly folding unimaginably tiny clothes in the nursery which has been designed and decorated at vast expense...

The reality is I've read books, watched documentaries, watched the news, gone out shopping, basically spent 80% of my time in non-pregnancy-related pursuits, yet my family and friends seem to presume I want to spend my time with them talking about being pregnant as well as being pregnant. Sometimes being pregnant is more than enough. I don't want to have to talk about it as well - not all the time. It's not my primary interest. It sucks that people assume it is.

Maybe it's supposed to be??? :/

gertrudestein Tue 26-Mar-13 10:45:06

Katniss I feel for you. I was in your situation not long ago, and it was really really hard. I used to dread meeting up with people in case they told me they were pregnant and I would have to put a happy face on when I just wanted to cry. I am now 25 wks pregnant, and have a friend who has told me she doesn't want to see me. It's a bit hurtful but I can totally understand. I hope that things get better for her and for the time being i'm trying to give her space and keep in touch by email or text.

ChairmanWow Tue 26-Mar-13 10:54:24

I do think the holiday issue is a bit off, but I totally get why women who aren't yet planning a family/have never been pregnant don't seem interested. I suspect I've behaved in a similar way towards friends without realising it and I certainly have friends who really don't get it with me.

Until I was pregnant with my son I didn't realise how exhausting and complicated pregnancy can be. Your friends won't realise that either. They probably just think it's just a bit of nausea and tiredness. They will also doubtless will be assuming that's your life changed now, that babies have taken over. Perhaps instead of deliberately excluding you they really don't think you'd be interested in a holiday with them now.

All I can say is if you want to go away with them then speak up. They might be really pleased that you still want to hang out with them.

june2013 Tue 26-Mar-13 11:26:33

Hi OP - you could be me. Except I live in a city outside of London, rather than abroad. I got married last August and got pregnant immediately. When I told my best friends, the reaction was less than positive. They were very surprised I think (even though I've been talking about getting pregnant for years). I tried reaching out to them, but what I got was 'well, this is changing everything now, one also said that my wedding changed everything. I was really hurt.

Neither were trying to conceive, neither even wanted children (for another few years) so I found it hard to understand. As an aside here, I have another very close friend who has been TTC for a year and I have been very very careful and sensitive around her, but she has been so incredibly happy and supportive for me. I don't know how she does it and I am so full of admiration for her. I would not have blamed her if she had said she wanted space or time...

As for the other two, I wasn't hurt by the fact that they found it difficult, but about the fact that after all these years, they couldn't find it in themselves to also be supportive or happy for me. I told them I was hurt and that made things a bit messy. One of the two then told me that she'd had an awful year because it had all been about me.

I could go on and on and on... anyway, I am occasionally still a bit stung by it because they are now all talking about how great it's going to be when they have babies and they go on maternity leave together, but don't talk to me about it much. I'm not sure it's jealously, just perhaps a marker of things changing after so many years and no one likes change, even more so when it's someone else making the changes and when that impacts your life.

In terms of my pregnancy though, things have got better. I tried very hard to talk about it as little as possible when I'm with them, and this has helped them realise that I am not baby / pregnancy obsessed. That I'm still me, that I still have things to talk about. And when I went through a really rough patch in pregnancy they were very supportive - perhaps they were glad, I thought! But I think it gave them an in, it gave them a role and perhaps they discovered a way they were comfortable supporting me...

I'm 28 weeks - wondering what it'll be like when I actually give birth.

Teaandflapjacks Tue 26-Mar-13 13:37:29

Hi Ladies, thanks so much for posting back and sharing your experiences - made me feel so much better and not alone on this one! I am 32 - 33 this year. I think it is just lack of thought process more than anything from them, and that what got me a bit hacked off- my best friend has her own issues with this, and she tries her best to move over them for my sake, and likewise i don't bang on about stuff to her and we muddle along together - I think its the dawning that, 20 weeks in, life changes in such a way forever, and some people who you used to be so close to pull back from you as they don't know how to relate, which can be really painful. Partic. when the one thing you have spent so long wanting is happening and means so much more than all those previous crisis put together. The holiday thing was just one example, there are plenty others, but I look at now, after seeing your experiences and think i may have been a bit quick to not think about how they feel - it probably freaks some of them out, and highlights what they want and don't have right now too. It is hard for all of us, I am normally fairly upfront with people, but not brash with it, so I will just say obv. I can't go on the June hols (too late to fly - complications etc) and have fun, and next time keep me in the loop please as you never know.

I was the most disastrous one of us when we were all single - but when I found my DH that was it, we both just knew (cheesy, but I was so jaded by men I shocked myself, and likewise for him, he was right off women too!). So it was all rather quick for us, and I think people thought 'here we go again' but of course, we are going great 4 years later. There probably is some undercurrents of 'how come it works out for her' in there, but I think that is human nature.

Teaandflapjacks Tue 26-Mar-13 13:45:13

Katniss - i know what you are going through - I was TTC for over a year, one MC, before this pg, and used to sit and sob when the next friend became pg, but I was delighted for them, and determined to help share their joy would call and ask to see pics all the time. But I found this hard going and I guess I just pushed this out of my mind, how i had felt during all that. I even had one friend wanting an abortion (a very close one) who i supported during this process, that nearly broke me. thanks for you, keep trying and I really hope it happens for you.

Teaandflapjacks Tue 26-Mar-13 13:52:35

June - that is shit, and what a thing to say - that it had been all about you?!?! you just got married and fell pg - hardly a shocking turn of events!! I guess people just come in and out at different phases, and you carry with you events in your heart that change your dynamics. I think sometimes, we have friends we learned to love a long time ago, otherwise we wouldn't be friends now with them. It is good they rallied round when you had problems, and I hope they support you once the baby is there, it is hard not to love a new baby .

Purrpurr I was drinking tea when I read your comment, and bit came out of my nose laughing - so thanks!

all the other posters - thanks again. smile xxx

LuckyOwl28 Tue 26-Mar-13 14:04:06

I bet as soon as one of them gets pregnant you'll be the first person they make contact with and want to arrange a get together!

I think pregnancy is just so alien to people until they experience it themselves they assume things won't be the same between you. Right in some ways, but it doesn't excuse them cutting you out completely!

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat Tue 26-Mar-13 18:56:15

Another here who was irrationally jealous of pregnant ladies before I got my positive! I wasn't even trying, but desperately sad when someone at work got pregnant. We had always wanted kids but weren't in a position to try yet. She had talked for years about how she didn't want kids because they would ruin her lifestyle. It seemed so unfair to me, my partner pointed out you never know what goes on in someone else's relationship. Maybe they had been dreaming and talking for years about their kids just like we had. Wise words I think, just because somebody claims they don't want kids doesn't mean that's true.

It didn't help that she was incredibly full-on, detailing every last detail, symptom and development (far TMI, I think, to be up to date with the state of her bowels for example). I hope I wasn't openly mean lik your friends, but they may be suffering and you just don't know it.

In my defense, I was genuinely happy for someone else who fell pregnant later but was much more chilled and less me me me about it!

You might find they'll be following in your footsteps soon, but try to be patient, it's horrible to see people around you pregnant if you don't know if it will happen for you.
X

Mandytm Tue 26-Mar-13 19:25:58

I know exactly what you mean. I used to speak to my sister on the phones almost every day but since I'm pregnant I'm lucky if she even picks up. I've stopped calling her now because when she did pick up she would say she's so busy and never ask how I am - she's not called me since I stopped calling her. She doesn't have any children but I don't really talk about pregnancy when I do speak to her, so it's not like she's sick of me going on about something she's not experienced. I'm actually quite stressed and scared, as its my first pregnancy and I thought she would be there to support me.

I've also been dropped from all female friend birthday gatherings and evenings out.

I guess people are at different life stages to us and we have to just get on with it, disappointing as it is to be dropped like that. As ijustworemytrenchcoat said, they'll be following the same path soon enough and they may then realise that it's nice to have loved ones there for you when you're going through such an important stage in your life.

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