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I don't know what to do. please help.

(86 Posts)
hotcrosbum Sat 23-Mar-13 12:20:49

I didn't want to clog up the HG support thread with this.

I've had dh screaming in my face all morning and I have had enough. I am 7 weeks pregnant, baby was planned, but I don't know if I can continue this pregnancy.

As we were trying, I found out I was pregnant a day before my period was due. Dh has been an arsehole since then, picking fights.

I have an older DS from a previous marriage, I suffered sever HG with him and the sickness has started again. DH said he's fed up of it already, that I should stop moaning (i've not been moaning, I have felt like death, but I haven't whinged about it), that he's fed up of doing everything (a bit of cleaning here and there and changing the cat litter tray today as I was heaving).

He said the sickness is my fault, that its self inflicted because I got pregnant and I should shut up about it.

He was screaming at me at looking into medication, he doesn't want me to take anything.

I have decided to go semi private with this baby - private GP, private midwife, private scans. Will have an nhs consultant and have a cs in an nhs hospital, but all other care I will be paying for. THIs is due to being treated appallingly with ds, being left feeling like I had been publicly raped after I was examined against my will on a ward where they refused to shut the curtains. I ended up with such bad PND that it has affected every area of my life for the past 11 years. I can't risk it again.

He is now saying that its a waste of money who am i to think I am better than everyone else, that he doesn't believe how I was treated, that I am making it up.

Midwife is coming for her first app in an hour, sat here crying. I dont know what to do.

I honestly don't know if he is trying to make me throw him out so he doesn't look like the bad party, or if he is trying to make me so stressed that I miscarry.

Lj8893 Sat 23-Mar-13 12:29:41

Is this his first child? Even if it is or isn't a pregnancy can do all sorts of weird things to the father, he's obviously extremely freaked out by it all, regardless of the fact you were both ttc.

Talk to your midwife, it may be she has had other women in similar situations and can give you some ideas of dealing with him.

Have you told him how you feel?

Thurlow Sat 23-Mar-13 12:30:15

Oh, hun, I didn't want to read and run sad

If the mw is coming please talk to her about this.

Your DH sounds, to be frank, like an absolute and utter arsehole. I don't often say LTB but... leave. At least for now. Is there somewhere you can go, could you go back to your parents for some support?

TimidLivid Sat 23-Mar-13 12:31:05

Hello hope you are alright and the midwife is good with you, it sounds like your dp isn't being very nice or fair. He is going to have to be better with you and I hope he stops what he is doing . Its maybe that he cannot cope with you being ill but he has to its what people do. Decent people. if he doesn't stop please don't just put up with it no one deserves to be treated badly just for being ill.

nextphase Sat 23-Mar-13 12:33:51

Will your husband be at the mw appointment?
I think you need to be totally honest with her. If your husband will be there, can you print off your message, and give it to her, apologising but saying your suffering with HG, and wanted to make sure you covered everything that was bothering you?
I hope the HG calms down soon, and your husband starts treating you in the manner he should.

BabyHMummy Sat 23-Mar-13 12:35:13

I didn't want to read and run hun...

I agree in part with Thurlow - your DH is sounding like a complete arse! As you say this was planned he is 50% to blame for your current condition!!! I had HG also but my DP was amazing! The docs tried about 5 different drugs til they got one that controlled the symptoms so frankly tell DH to p*ss off and go to the GP for some help!!

As for you leaving, throw him out and get a friend or relative to come and help you for a few days!

But definitely talk to the MW they are there to support you - more so if you are paying privately for it. And considering some of the experiences my friends have had lately i do not blame you in the slightest! if i could afford it i would be doing the same!

hotcrosbum Sat 23-Mar-13 12:50:28

He will be here when she comes.

He's now saying that he never wanted the baby. That i forced him into it because of my age (I am 6 years older than him). I said I wanted children when we first met. I remember him saying he anted to wait ten years - I was 32, I said that I couldn't wait that long, 34/35 was my cut off. I am 33 now.

But then we decided to try. I am so confused. My dad didn't want me, he stuck by my mum, he brought me up well, but i've always known I wasn't wanted.

I don't have any family (apart from my dad who is now almost 90) and no real friends apart from school gate ones.

hotcrosbum Sat 23-Mar-13 12:50:55

sorry, i mean I am 34 now.

BabyHMummy Sat 23-Mar-13 12:53:37

oh god hun this must be an awful situation for you! He had unprotected sex with you to create the baby so i am sorry suddenly deciding that he does want it is BS!!

do you think he could just be frightened about the prospect of being a dad or could there be something else underlying his attitude/behaviour - has he got issues with family or work maybe?

KoalaFace Sat 23-Mar-13 12:54:33

I'm so sorry you're in such an upsetting and stressful situation.

I agree with the previous posters and think you should ask mw for advice.

Could you benefit from some time with him away do you think?

Alexandra6 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:10:50

Just wanted to say I really feel for you, what am awful situation. Can't believe your DH ( I say DH but think he should just be H!) is acting like this. At least you can get online support, good luck and be strong - if you're better off without him, you can do it

TimidLivid Sat 23-Mar-13 14:18:46

Have you seen waves and smiles on the hg thread she is in almost exactly the same situation but further into her pregnancy, it seem a few men cannot cope with been nice and caring for their dp when things get harder. She is trying to carry on and live a peaceful life without him. If ur dp cannot be good and kind and decent to u that might be the only solution

CheeseandGherkins Sat 23-Mar-13 14:38:33

So sorry you're going through that as well as being so sick and being in early pregnancy. You said you don't know if you can continue with the pregnancy; you want this baby I assume from your posts? You can continue without your husband and have the baby without him and cope perfectly well, if it comes to it.

Honestly, he doesn't sound like a very nice person. If this is "too much" for him then a newborn will be 100 times harder and I would be seriously worried about this.

Him screaming at you sounds intimidating to me and he is speaking to you with contempt. These would be warning signs for me.

Saundy Sat 23-Mar-13 15:26:25

I'm so sorry to read what's happening with you. It's terrible & scary & hard to know what to do.

When I've been in bad situations Ive found its helped to keep a diary. Write down the things he is saying & doing & how it makes you feel. List the things that he is saying that are wrong & why they are wrong.

If you hear something enough times you start to believe it & he can start to get into your head. Don't let that happen, let the diary remind you of how unreasonable he is being. List his good points and bad - keep
it current, how nice he USED to be isn't worth squat - it can help give you perspective.

I've found it also helps to write down the advice you would give a friend if they were in your position & then the hard part - try to follow it.

Don't make excuses for him, be strong for yourself & DC. I would advise you to remove yourself (but preferably him) from the situation. It's toxic at the minute & there is no benefit to you being together. You both need space so suggest a few weeks apart to see how you feel.

Whatever you do don't let him isolate you from your friends & family, you need them around you more than ever. Sometimes it's hard to hear what they say, but remember they want what's best for you & they love you.

You know how you deserve to be treated, you control your life & you can do this <hand squeeze>

smeeeheee Sat 23-Mar-13 15:54:50

Poor you! This isn't a great situation for you, your son, or your unborn baby to be in. Men (or partners) don't have to physically hit you to be abusive. One of my friends is in a very similar situation to you just now, just a bit further on, and I know from bitter experience that it doesn't matter how many times, or how many different people in how many different ways say 'what's he's doing to you isn't your fault, he will not change, leave him', she wont. All I can say to you (and her) is that you cannot change his behaviour. You haven't done anything wrong, so you're not going to be able to change his reactions by doing anything differently. All you can do is work out whether you can live with being treated like this and if not, then you have to leave. Because I can almost guarantee you if you stay, it will get worse, not better. Whatever happens, it's going to take a lot of courage and support, so please please please try to confide in someone, even if it's your midwife or GP. There's only so much help we can give you here, and you need real-life support and friendship. Be brave xxxxxxx

Thurlow Sat 23-Mar-13 17:22:11

How did it go with the mw?

hotcrosbum Sat 23-Mar-13 20:31:34

Midwife was really good actually. He tried to give me a hug just before she arrived, but I didn't want him near me.

She was talking about bad experiences, how my terrible experience with ds wasn't uncommon. 'D'h asking questions....said he was sorry he was so disbelieving, that he'd only ever been to A&E and been treated well so he thought everything would be like that.

SHe told him about sickness, how severe it can be, how debilitating.

When she left, he apologised to me. Said he understood everything now, all my concerns. That he wants the baby, he didn't mean what he said. The trouble is, it might be too little too late for me.

He can be the most caring, wonderful man in the world, but every few weeks he has these massive blow ups where he screams at me and says the most vile things. Everytime he does though, I hate him more and more.

He's currently out doing the weekly shop, getting me a treat for dinner (i've not eaten today, felt/been too sick). I just wanted him out to be honest.

Thurlow Sat 23-Mar-13 20:36:03

That sounds a bit better - maybe he needed someone he considers a professional to explain how bad birth experiences can be, and how debilitating sickness can be, to fully understand it? FWIW, I had borderline HG for most of my pg and I don't think DP ever really understood what it was like to be throwing up so often and struggling to eat anything.

This might have been a wake up call for him. His behaviour before was appalling but as some other posters have said, and I sort of forgot when I posted before, is that a lot of men's reaction to pg is not what you'd expect it to be.

If his attitude gets better than that is great. But take care of yourself if it doesn't.

BabyHMummy Sat 23-Mar-13 20:38:18

glad to hear the MW was supportive.

Men are odd creatures! They deal with things is such a bizarre way. The fact he seems to do this regularly worries me tbh hun! And if you are starting to hate him then that is a massive warning sign for you.

Stay strong and remember you haven't done anything wrong!

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 23-Mar-13 20:40:39

His reaction is 100% not normal and sounds horribly abusive. What's he going to be like with a newborn screaming all night?

The normal reaction of a DH to a pregnant wife is not to scream at her to man up because he has to do a few dishes.

And his apology sounds forced and odd.

I would consider your position in this relationship very carefully. Often abusive starts when a partner becomes pregnant. Please don't think this is normal behaviors on his part.

MortifiedAdams Sat 23-Mar-13 20:41:25

It is.good that he now seems to understand a little better but I would be wary at just how angry he can get about something new and different.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 23-Mar-13 20:46:01

Hotcrossbums - oh my dear, I have been thinking of you today and hoping it went well with the midwife.

I am so sorry to hear that your OH is behaving in such an abusive way. You don't trust him to do right by you, do you? I don't blame you. I am very worried for you, that he can treat you so badly over your terrible and debilitating illness, disbelieving and shouting at you sad He should be supporting you and I am not really impressed at his 'change' when the midwife explained stuff in words of one syllable.

Do you have a friend or relative in RL you can confide in? I think you need someone in real life who WILL be there for you.

Keep posting

Saundy Sat 23-Mar-13 21:16:15

If your oh truly is sorry then he should be willing to seek help for his anger issues. If your local NHS trust has an IAPTS department he can refer himself & won't have to go through his GP.

If he doesn't see he has a problem or take positive action it is unlikely anything will change. These things rarely get better on their own.

I hope things work out for you, I'm glad things have calmed down for now.

Good luck.

HumphreyCobbler Sun 24-Mar-13 11:55:43

how are you doing today hotcrosbum?

something2say Sun 24-Mar-13 12:09:45

Hotcrosbum next time he screams at you, turn around and get away. Can you sling him out? Phone in hand - go or I'll ring the cops sort of thing??? M. Or can you just turn heel and walk away and end the convo that way?

If he is like this now, he either needs to demonstrate change or he has to go and you have to then do your pg on your,own...or not...

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