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(13 Posts)
ShleeBee Tue 05-Mar-13 16:27:50

Hey everyone!

I'm am new to this and I am looking for advice. On February 18 I found out I was pregnant, I was 6 weeks along. Now I was scared I would not be able to get pregnant because I was in a terrible accident 7 and my body went through a lot so doctors were unsure how my body would handle being pregnant.

Anyway so when my husband and I found out I was pregnant we were so happy, the pregnancy was going so well. Then Sunday morning March. 3 I started bleeding throughout the day it got heavier, I ended up going to hospital and they did lots of tests then wanted me back Monday for ultra sound. Sunday night I went to bathroom and 2 huge clots came Out and right there I knew in miscarried but still went for ultra sound and they confirmed it and said I have a cyst but it would go away on its own, it is just from the miscarriage. I was in tears all sunday and monday, my husband and I are so devastated. I feel so empty and sad I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like I had this bundle of joy to look forward too and it was just taken from us. I made sure I was eating healthy and looking after myself and it just happend.

Any advice on how to deal with this? Thanks

HJBeans Tue 05-Mar-13 17:01:42

Very sorry to hear of your loss and understand how upsetting it is - my first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage around 6 weeks. Everyone responds differently to miscarriage, so can't really tell you how to deal with it but can reassure you that whatever you're feeling now is completely normal and that you should give yourself time to mourn your loss however you need to.

For me, it helped to talk openly about what had happened to me. I realise this isn't true for everyone, but I felt comfortable discussing it and found that most people were extremely supportive and many, many women I talked to had been through the same experience. I think a lot of women and couples feel very isolated when grieving for a lost pregnancy, but I found a lot of support from friends and colleagues.

It also helped me to learn as much as I could about miscarriage. Of the things I learned, I especially took comfort in the following:

1) For early miscarriages like ours there is essentially never anything we could have done to prevent them - they don't happen because we did or didn't do something. It's in no way our fault that they happen.

2) Early miscarriage is incredibly common (as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies) so many, many women and couples have been through what you and your husband are going through. There's lots of support available if you need it.

3) Your chances of having a successful outcome in your next pregnancy are in no way affected by a single miscarriage and are only slightly lower after two. The majority of women who want to go on to have successful pregnancies.

I realise you'll be grieving for this pregnancy now, but for me it helped to know there was nothing wrong with me or with anything I'd done and that, while miscarriage is sadly very common, it didn't mean I'd never have kids.

There are lots of really useful miscarriage threads on MN which are full of supportive people who've gone through just what you have. Hope you find a lot of support here and, again, sorry for your loss.

ShleeBee Tue 05-Mar-13 19:25:45

Thank you so much, that does help!! Its hard talking to some friends because they have never been pregnant so they don't understand what women who miscarried are going through, i feel a lot better talking to women who can relate. It just feels so hard, my husbands family have been trying to call me to make sure i am okay and I can not even answer because I am not ready to talk to people. I know in time it will get better but it's something I dont think I will ever get over as stupid as that may sound.

kilmuir Tue 05-Mar-13 19:29:38

Take your time, people mean well, but should give you space.
Miscarriage is sadly very common. I have had quite a lot but still managed to have 4 children as well!
Good luck for the future

williwonti Tue 05-Mar-13 20:22:06

I'm so sorry. I'm currently waiting for my third scan to confirm miscarriage, been told it's more likely than not but I have to wait another 8 days to be sure. I know it is different as mine not confirmed but in my head I'm sure the worst will happen. I know it feels like you wont get over it but you will feel differently after a while, just allow yourself time and space to be however you feel like being. Just awful but try and think of it as your body doing what it is supposed to do etc, doesnt work for everyone but i got some comfort from that

Teaandflapjacks Tue 05-Mar-13 20:22:36

Poor you - HJ Beans is quite right - 1 in 4 do end in miscarriage and a lot of women do not know they are pregnant before they miscarry so the number isn't set in stone. I had one last August, but it was very early, but I do understand how upsetting it is. I am now 17 weeks pregnant.

I would suggest getting some of your hormones checked though - I since found out that I had very low progesterone levels, which can bring on miscarriage. Also if your thyroid plays up, this can also impact it. It may just be one of those things - but it worth getting these things checked too - and make a fuss and insist on getting these things checked.

Lots of women I know have gone through this - it is devastating but there is plenty of support out there too if you reach out.

Good luck - your time will come!!

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Tue 05-Mar-13 23:43:09

Its pretty damned shit, thats for sure.
You are allowed to grieve. For as long as you need. As someone said to me here, its not just this tiny thing you have lost, it is this presence in the rest of your life. That is a huge thing.
When I MC I just wanted to hide from the world. People who loved me came round, and while they were there I was OK, but when they left I felt worse. What worked for me was coming on MN to the Miscarriage/PG loss boards, and speaking to people via facebook chat and text. In person I had terrible trouble even saying 'miscarrriage', but in text it was much easier to say how I really felt. Perhaps you can answer your well wishers non verbally?
Now I have a little distance it is easier.
People who havent had a MC dont understand. Why should they? But those who have know how truly horrendous it is. And there are more people out there who have MC than you think. Lots of people have confided in me recently, and I find it slightly reassuring to see that most of them have subsequent children, and how you would never guess. They are 'normal' and dont live under this black cloud forever. It makes me think there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Time does help. Even 5 weeks on, I do feel less desperate and I'm sure you will too. Just hang in there. {{{hug}}}

meyersfan Wed 06-Mar-13 10:18:39

Previous posters have given some great advice. I just wanted to add that you mentioned you weren't sure that you would be able to get pregnant - perhaps you can take comfort from knowing that it is actually possilbe. After ttc for a long time and losing my first in an early mc, that was the one positive I was able to cling to. Be kind to yourself.

ShleeBee Wed 06-Mar-13 22:07:35

I just want to say thank you to everyone for the great advice! It's been 3 days now since I had the MC and I think I have cried out almost everything I have in me, but each day is still hard. I Thank God that I was able to get pregnant but at the same time so upset that it was taken from me just like that, and I know many of you feel the same way I am sure. I still am having a hard time wanting to be around people but I did have my mother in law over which was okay but a little hard.

The one thing that does keep me and my husband going is knowing we are not giving up, I have made an appt for end of March to talk to my Dr as far as what needs to be done for next time and when myself and my body have healed we will try again.

I will never forget my first though, I was going week by week saying please don't let anything happen to our baby and please keep him healthy and then for that to just happen was such a shock.

I am just so thankful for being able to talk to everyone on mumsnet it has made me feel better! Thank you so much <3

Geekster Wed 06-Mar-13 23:03:37

So sorry you have been through this. You both need to give yourselves time to come to terms with it. Like you said yourself try again when you are ready. You will never forget about it, but will be able to live with it. Just don't be surprised if it hits you on some days even well into the future. I had my second miscarriage five years ago last Christmas and for some reason it hit me really hard that year. So don't feel bad.

I wish you the very best of luck for the future.

LittleChickpea Sat 09-Mar-13 00:10:14

Shleebee. I know exactly what you are going through. My DP and I are going through the same and we are devastated. I mc through the night Monday 4th March. It's hard and still very tearful. BUT I keep reminding myself that at least we know we can fall pregnant. This was due to be our first too.

I think it's ok for us to be hurt, lost and upset. I wish you and your DP all the best.

nennyrainbow Sun 10-Mar-13 22:11:23

Hi Shleebee, I know just how you feel as we also lost our baby just under 3 weeks ago. I also cried every day for the first 10 days or so, and now, although I think about it every day, I'm starting to find little things to be positive about and thankful for. I hope you're feeling better soon and don't let it frighten you from trying again when you're ready.

NoMoreMarbles Sun 10-Mar-13 23:06:05

Firstly, so sorry you have had a MCsad it is truly, truly shitsad

I have had 9 MC (I have Lupus so I know my why but it is still shitesad) and my first MC was my first pregnancy so it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I still remember the desperation I felt in the first days after I MCed and how angry I felt. I went on to have my DD less than 2 years later with DP now DH (first preg was with ex-dickhead) and I was so so grateful to have made me so much more aware of how lucky I was to have her as it could have all ended like the first...

I really does stay with you and you have a newfound empathy for those who have been through similar. It does get easier and you will move on when you are ready to but it never really leaves you...

Take as much time as you need to move through your grief with your DH, accept those shoulders offered to cry on if you need it as it doesn't have to be a lonely time as much as it does feel so isolating you may be surprised at the amount of empathy given by other said earlier on the thread statistically 25% of pregnancies end in MC so chances are, someone you know knows exactly how you are feeling right now only too wellsad

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