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When did you tell work & your family (advice please)?

(70 Posts)
Saundy Tue 05-Mar-13 07:52:42

Its really early days for me so I shouldn't have to be thinking about this just yet but I kind've do for the following reasons:

I'm asking for a pay rise & to be made full time today & don't want my boss to realise later on that I knew & didn't mention it. Feels a bit crappy not saying as I work for a good supportive company, BUT I'm only 5 weeks and it feels a bit early to be telling people.

I live away so will (most likely) only have 2 chances to tell them face to face either at the end of March - when I'll only be at the 8 week mark, or July when it'll be closer to the 26 week mark.

I quite like the idea of not telling anyone until July but can you hide it that long? My partner thinks not as I'm quite petite & he recons there's nowhere to hide it.

If anyone has any thoughts they'd be appreciated.

Saundy Tue 05-Mar-13 18:39:41

Sorry to hear that - but also congrats!

I'll be honest I have no idea what HG means (or any of the other abbreviations apart from MIL & TTC) though it doesnt sihnd pleasant. Where do you learn them?!

SuffolkNWhat Tue 05-Mar-13 19:46:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMillions Tue 05-Mar-13 20:25:19

OP glad all went well with work.

I'm 21+5 with DC1 after 2 MCs that both immediate families and my boss knew about. With this one we told my parents around 8 weeks, my sister and BIL at 9 weeks, and PILs at 11 weeks. With my family was first time seeing them since finding out, I'm not able to bluff not drinking, and we knew they'd be amazing if the worst happened again. Was wonderful to be able to tell my sister in person that it looked like she was going to be an auntie, I'm so pleased I could do that. We hadn't had a scan at that point but I did have reassuring nausea! Had our first scan at what turned out to be 10+5 ish, brought forward a bit due to Xmas then it confirmed my belief I was a week behind standard dates (long cycle). So when we told PILs at Xmas we did have the reassurance of a scan, but as we were going back for a rescan in the new year (to be in window for NT screening) asked them to keep it quiet until after that.

My summary would be it is wonderful to be able to tell immediate family in person, and when you live some distance from them that mean timing is not what you might have chosen, but hopefully they will love being amongst the first to know and sharing in your secret for a little while. Just be clear it's early days and not to get too excited yet - my MIL was desperate to start knitting, had to rein her in! Likewise if you need to ask them not to ring all and sundry in the extended family, do.

I told my boss around 7 weeks because I was starting to feel ill and wanted him to know, it was actually his first day back from paternity leave. Keep your mind open to when you tell your line manager in case you need their support, just request they treat it confidentially until you're ready to share further. I was literally bouncing around the office the day after my second scan (at 13 weeks) and felt like I couldn't keep it in, but it was surprising how many people came up to me and said "just heard your news, congratulations" for a month or so afterwards.

Hope that helps OP and others watching with interest.

Could add more about friends/Facebook but have probably waffled on enough.

LouiseD29 Tue 05-Mar-13 22:29:32

Congrats! Glad you got the pay rise - too right and well done you. One less thing to worry about!

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Tue 05-Mar-13 22:43:48

I was meant to keep it quiet, but I actually told the people who I was closest to and who I felt would be supportive if anything went wrong. It was a mixed bag I people! Things did go wrong, and those people were bloody fantastic. I couldn't have got through the last 6 weeks without them. I would have been unable to cope without people around me.

Twinklestarstwinklestars Wed 06-Mar-13 03:58:26

We told our friends and my dad (don't speak to my mum) at about 9 weeks, then told dp's siblings at 13 ish weeks and the rest of the family at 17 weeks. I had a nightmare pregnancy with ds2 so we weren't in a hurry to share our news in case it was the same.

squidkid Wed 06-Mar-13 08:55:49

I told my parents at 6 weeks, just because I was excited and finding it hard to not talk about it, and also feeling very sick and tired and had an interview and exam to get through.

I told my two best friends (one of whom ended up delivering the baby!) at 9 weeks as I went to a big drunken party with them and wanted their support in not drinking and finding a bed early! I would have told them later if not for the party but I didn't want to lie to them.

I told my brothers at 10 weeks.

Those were all people I would have told if I'd had a miscarriage anyway.

I told a couple of my seniors at work at 10 weeks because I was having trouble dealing with patients with miscarriages. That wasn't deliberate, I just burst into tears one day! They were supportive.

I was very ready to tell the world by 13 weeks when I had my first scan.

I didn't show till well past 20 weeks. About 22-23 I think. But I think most people do before then. I'm reasonably slim, not skinny, quite short. I have (HAD!) good stomach muscles smile - but I think it's more to do with what position the baby is lying in.

sherbetpips Wed 06-Mar-13 09:00:57

Family whenever you are ready to. Work and non best friends - I would say 13 weeks, after scan once you know everything is okay. I wouldnt worry about work being suspicious as you say you are only 5 weeks and many mums dont know they are preggers till 6/7 weeks plus (or if me 10 weeks!).

Not to be a doom monger but things can go wrong before 12 weeks and having to tell everyone at work is awful, much better if they didn't know. (aside from family/close friends of course).

fl0b0t Wed 06-Mar-13 09:13:07

Another person here who planned not to tell anyone until post 12 weeks, but was so sick I had to. Work and parents knew at 6-7 weeks, whereas we've told friends we see a lot and have seen in person around 9-11 weeks. Heading towards 12 now.

MerryMarigold Wed 06-Mar-13 09:47:21

I told my close family and friends the day I found out! Both times. I was so excited plus I realised I would also want them to know if anything went wrong, and be able to empathise with me. I know if they were so excited too and then something went wrong, it would actually help me if they could understand some of what I was going through. As it happened, I did have a scare at about 7 weeks and for a couple of weeks it was dicey. I was so pleased to have them to talk to about it, and their prayers, comfort etc. It was all fine in the end! It depends how close you are to them I suppose.

Congrats on your pay rise and your pregnancy !
Good luck with everything smile

daisylulu Wed 06-Mar-13 12:10:39

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP! smile

With DS1 I told my DM straight away, my boss at 6 weeks (as I had a threatened m/c and needed time off work) and PILs at 10 weeks after an early scan. I told the rest of my work at 12 weeks. With the benefit of hindsight I wish I'd waited until after my anomaly scan as I lost DS1 at 22 weeks (v rare and unlikely to happen I know).

I'm now firmly in the camp of tell those people who I'd tell if something did go wrong. With DD1 (born healthy smile) I told my boss at 8 weeks (as needed lots of extra pre-natal appointments), family/close friends immediately and the rest of my work when I got to 24 weeks and was becoming difficult to hide.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. It's a very difficult decision as to when is right to tell - but I think it's when it feels right for you.

noramum Wed 06-Mar-13 13:03:19

I told my mum when I had a scan at 7 weeks as my dad just died a couple of weeks before and we thought it was an uplift for her.

We told DH's parents as well, first there is contact between our parents and secondly I needed to explain why I wasn't drinking any wine or ate parma ham, two things they know I love to do.

Work: I told my boss shortly afterwards as I had a crap blookd pressure and needed to say why I was in the office over an hour earlier than necessary. All other colleagues only heard about it after the 12 week scan.

weeblueberry Wed 06-Mar-13 13:20:39

I told my mum the night I took my pregnancy test. Mainly because I was with her and she asked why it looked as though I was about to burst into tears all the time and was worried about me. Bloody perceptive woman... hmm

I told my boss at 8 weeks because I had a work trip planned across to the West Coast and had to tell her in case I was sick and tired and generally not up for much socialising with clients. It was also in case something happened while we were over there and I needed some hand holding IYKWIM.

worldgonecrazy Wed 06-Mar-13 13:30:40

I told 2 female colleagues as soon as I knew (which was very early as DD is IVF). This was in case I had another miscarriage, I just wanted some support at work.

I told my boss after the 8 week scan.

But I knew I would be taking minimum maternity leave and returning full-time, so it didn't really affect how work viewed me as an employee.

Your situation may be different. I agree with a PP that if you deserve a payrise, you deserve it, regardless of pregnancy. However, I also know that some employers are not quite as understanding as mine.

dilys4trevor Wed 06-Mar-13 13:36:59

With regards to non-work people (i.e. friends and family) I usually work on the basis of if I would tell them if I had miscarried, I may as well tell them I am pregnant. With both my DCs I told friends straight away. Actually, it is usually family I hold back on as they would be upset to get all excited and then learn I have miscarried so I may as well save it until I am 'safe.' But friends usually guess when I don't order a wine!

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Wed 06-Mar-13 14:31:57

I'm about 7.5 weeks. We've told the friends I was meant to be go-karting with, as I didn't think I should do it pregnant and didn't want to bullshit the friends, a friend who's also pregnant but further on, because I wanted someone I could share experiences with, and the vicar, because I went to church the morning after I'd tested and just needed to tell someone!

I would have liked to tell family straight away, but DH doesn't want his mum to know until it's a bit safer, because she'll be so excited, and so gutted if it doesn't work out. That being the case, it's not fair to tell my mum either. And we don't want to tell BIL until we absolutely have to, because SIL will be heartbroken that it's me not her, and I don't want her to be hurt unnecessarily or for longer than necessary.

Work, I don't know. I'll take a view when I get my scan date - if it's difficult to get the time off, I'll tell them, if not I'll wait at least until after the scan. The Big Boss, although she's a mum and devoted Granny herself, isn't massively sympathetic to us having babies, and there's a strategic planning meeting coming up at which I don't want my pregnancy to be even thought about.

GingaNinja Wed 06-Mar-13 15:06:52

If you live away from family but still want to do a face to face show n tell, would you be able to do skype? Which is what I did with my first pregnancy (we don't live in the UK, my family all do). DD was a result of ivf though so family knew all about that/were providing support throughout anyway. Told line manager at 9 weeks as needed to attend consultant appt during work hours, otherwise would have kept schtum till 20 weeks or more.

2nd pregnancy ended in miscarriage at just over 7 weeks - had told DH obv plus me Ma n Pa, bro and sis but no one else and certainly no one at work. Which made it a lot easier untelling - v few people involved.

Get your own head round stuff and decide what you're comfortable with. TBH I v much doubt your employer(s) would bother to count back and work out that you were keeping anything from them - hell, loads of people don't even know themselves that they're in the pudding club at 5 weeks.

Good luck!

HairyHandedTrucker Wed 06-Mar-13 16:54:34

your body is your business not your employers and it should not effect a raise anyway

BlingBubbles Wed 06-Mar-13 16:58:44

I told my boss at about 4 weeks as I was feeling sick straight away.. Good thing I did as I was off work from 8 weeks with hyperemisis, Dh and I told both our parents and brothers and sisters as soon a we found out but didn't tell anyone else until 12 weeks. Loads of people guessed though as I was in hospital at 8 weeks and didn't leave the house for weeks on end hmm

Good luck

Pudgy2011 Wed 06-Mar-13 17:03:55

I threw up on one of my boss's shoes at 5 weeks. Kind of had to tell them (3 bosses) after that.

Told family the day I peed on the stick (via skype), close friends too. We live abroad and we have 6 week heart beat scan and then monthly scans thereafter so we told extended friends about 7 weeks in I think. Didn't bother announcing anything on fbk though and I never told anyone what our due date was (except family and close friends), to avoid that whole "have you had the baby yet?" bullshit that comes when you start nearing the date and/or exceeding it. Thankfully DS arrived at 37+6 so I didn't have to worry about that!

I'd do the same again, being aware that if we did lose the pregnance I'd want the support of my friends here, especially with family back in the UK.

Xmasbaby11 Wed 06-Mar-13 17:22:32

I told close friends and family at 8 weeks. I wasn't planning to tell work until 12 weeks, but I had a chicken pox scare and then morning sickness so it was useful for them to know.

mummyloveslucy Wed 06-Mar-13 17:31:03

I told everyone, the minute I saw those blue lines on the stick! I had been trying for years though. smile

CuppaSarah Wed 06-Mar-13 17:33:59

We told both sets of parents as soon as we found out at 3-4 weeks. But that was becuase at the time we lived with PIL's so they needed to know really and if they knew my parents needed to know too. Then I told work the day after finding out. Though that was due to my job, I worked with special needs teens and was with a particulary unpredictable class at the time. Siblings and friends all found out at 12 weeks.

I was happy to let people know early, but my friends and family are quite close knit so I knew if the worst happened I wouldn't be telling everyone again and again. DP and PIL's are the ones that suggested we waited to spread the news wider than Parents and work.

Saundy Wed 06-Mar-13 18:21:49

Thanks for all your messages guys - I hadn't realised there was a second page (new to this) and congrats to the fellow preggers!!

If something went wrong I wouldn't tell anyone, I'm not a very openly emotional person (though I do have my moments) so imagine the support would be quite stressful.

Hadn't considered skype or that fact that I've now had a payrise (woo) so although its not easy its not impossible to get home earlier. If I get offered an early scan at my booking appt on Fri & tell them if not I wont - its in the hands of the Gods now!

Will only tell work before hand if I have to I guess, hopefully i'll find a better opener than vomming in a shoe wink

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