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Wedding invite 2.5 weeks after due date.

(59 Posts)
Bejeena Wed 27-Feb-13 09:56:23

We have a wedding invite for reasonably close friends and the wedding is 2.5 days after my due date. It is just under an hours drive from where we live.

Of course I would love to go and I know my friend will be upset if we decline but I am wondering if it is really feesible? Of course I could go overdue, could have baby early, might have to have a c section (althogh hope not) and be recovering, we just don't know.

Of course the friend doesn't have children and doesn't really understand how difficult it could be. Also since it is my first I don't really know myself. What if I am having trouble breast feeding and baby takes long to feed?

Also I am a bit worried about everyone wanting to touch and hold baby after been drinking and smoking and everyone just cooing over him/her.

Has anyone been to a wedding so shortly after?

I am hoping that my friend might be a bit understanding about it all and accept that maybe we might have to pull out. Also I really hope she'll understand that we can really only go for the day and not stay into the night (I am assuming she'd like everyone to stay at reception hotel as it is a big place and pre baby we wouldn't have hesitated to do this)

Or should we just decline from the start? I don't know what to do.

cheshirekat1 Tue 18-Jun-13 22:59:48

Thanks beanonoir, useful thoughts consider tho hope most people will understand the feeding regime, whatever that will be! Xx

BeanoNoir Sat 15-Jun-13 17:11:37

I went to bil's wedding when dd was 4.5 months old, so quite old really. Don't know if it was growth spurt or being in a weird environment but she just wanted to bf all the time otherwise would cry. It was exhausting, I ended up eating my meal (cut up for me by dh) in a room outside the main reception room, breastfeeding, and then most of the speeches etc in the hotel room, breastfeeding. Might have been worse because she was a bit older (and the fucking 'feeding again?' comments) but it might be an idea to book a room at the hotel if you really want to go so you can just hole yourself up there if it's all a bit stressful but still go down, show your face and be at the wedding iyswim.

If you've got family who you sense have issues around you bf, then I wouldn't go tbh. If you're feeding on demand you never know when that day will be when you're feeding every hour. And it can be stressful feeling like you have to justify how often you're doing it, no matter how well meant the enquiries are.

cheshirekat1 Sat 15-Jun-13 06:56:05

Thank you so much ladies for the replies, I suppose its the unknown that is concerning us but we are trying to be as positive as possible about the situation as now know in laws not happy about the timing/impact either... to me, this is life, not everything is perfect timing but we just have to be positive and be accommodating of their wishes as possible on their day. We have got a room etc so should be ok

HolidayArmadillo Fri 14-Jun-13 23:59:46

We went to a wedding when DD was 4 days old and it was absolutely fine. Having said that I had a straightforward normal delivery and am by nature a bit of a coper. We went on holiday when she was 6 days old. That was fun wink

3boys3dogshelp Fri 14-Jun-13 23:52:39

Both mine tended to stay settled for longer in one than if lay in a pram. It also keeps them safe from being picked up, kissed or generally mauled by wedding guests! You'll be fine, pick yourself an outfit you can feed in though!

3boys3dogshelp Fri 14-Jun-13 23:50:17

I was bridesmaid for one best friend 5 weeks after ds1 was born, 2 1/2 hour drive from home. I only agreed because she cried when I said I couldn't do it! I have to be honest the night before the wedding I was dreading it, but it was a breeze! We had said we were going back to our room after the meal but lasted til 10.30 with ds asleep in his pram (in quiet bar area not disco!). When they are that little they mostly feed and sleep so if you book a room to stay over so you have a private place to feed you should be fine. A sling or carrier is really useful as

Stixswhichtwizzle Fri 14-Jun-13 22:12:56

I'd decline but I went 2 weeks I over!

cheshirekat1 Fri 14-Jun-13 13:18:41

Hi all. I am so glad I stumbled on this post as I knew there must be others in similar situations.

LucyCamille- this seems very strange and I totally agree that what you have organised already with ex is v. generous and reasonable. Maybe they have similar feelings as my post below?

I am just 7 wks preg at the mo (our first) and approx due date 3 wks before hubbies only sisters wedding (hope to god it's not going to be any later). Not gone down well at all with them (hurt that we'd even try for near their special day, we may not get to the wedding, first grandbaby so stealing lime light in the build up, stealing their day - it will be like a christening for us not their wedding and we wont have as big a part to play). I'm struggling as not told any friends yet as hoped to wait for dating scan for conf that all ok so turning to you lovelies.

I knew deep down this would be the reaction we'd get once saying the news-and have already thought of ways of minimising impact. only had one congratulations from them immediately after we told them the news and nothing else...even when we had 'the discussion' recently - oh well not everyone is the same.... Although several posts haven't given me much faith in being able to go - at the mo I really intend on going to the wedding and our situation having as little impact as poss on their day. Call me ambitious but saying now that we wont be going isn't really an option. Obv if complications arise that's a different story. My family are going to be there too so have extra help all day (already asked!!) and we've said we'll do as much as possible to fit in with their day -eg make sure family/friends see baby before, stress no fuss and equally the family friends should realise that they shouldn't be fussing too much either.

I've set the ground rules in terms of baby has to come along but over and above that the rest is for them to suggest and us to sort within reason I suppose. I'm just freaking out a little bit about it as it's so much unknown!

Anyone have any thoughts? Thanks for reading, typing this out has helped already!

MrsHuxtable Thu 06-Jun-13 13:10:07

Good God, I think that person isn't your closest cousin at all. Nobody in their right mind would expect a mum to be separated from a 5.5 week old for hours and hours. I think you were already super generous in saying your ex would pick the kids up at night.

I would not attend the wedding. It's ruined now anyway because you know your baby and your breastfeeding isn't welcome.

LucyCamille Thu 06-Jun-13 09:06:41

Does it seem strange to people then that they have got lots of children going and but they don't want me to bring the baby? It sounds like most of the time its the other way around? Babes in arms being considered extension of the mother? I have got a wedding next year which is no kids and have assumed no babies or kids. Also another wedding later in the year which bride didn't even consider me not bringing both baby and DS. Do you think its because I am single mum I won't be able to cope with any disturbances as I won't have any assistance? I assume I am the only guest with a young baby

Longfufu Thu 06-Jun-13 07:54:48

My due date is 11 aug and I'm going to a wedding on the 31st August. I'm trying for a VBAC but if I haven't gone into labour by the 25th I'm having a CS.

life goes on, long as you can take the Baby I don't see what the problem is. The wedding I'm going to is no children, except "baby's in arms", if however its def no babies then I would decline.

LucyCamille Thu 06-Jun-13 00:44:48

From what they are saying they don't want NB there at all. They aren't having more people for the reception, they have made it clear all at service are there for the duration. They want me and DS there all day but want me to leave NB somewhere else, assumption is with ex's family then I will babysit my mum, make sure she behaves and take her home in a taxi at the end of the night. I am surprised at the general consensus that no one would dream of leaving their NB, it seems my family think it the norm!

MortifiedAdams Thu 06-Jun-13 00:12:30

If it were me, I would decline the meal (incase you cant go and so.dont want to waste the money), but asl of you would be welcome to.come to the service if you felt up to it. Id pop the baby in a sling and at the back, watch, congratulate them and then slope home to bed.

LucyCamille Thu 06-Jun-13 00:02:01

Thanks, I was beginning to think I was going mad smile
I cant leave DS with my mum, she is a liability (harsh but true)! She can be a nightmare at any type of event but I get upset as I am nothing like her but get tarred with the same brush. We have a large close family who see a lot of each other but they avoid my mum like the plague and me by proxy. I am generally quite hurt as I feel like they have asked my DS to be page boy because they feel they should have and haven't considered the logistics for me. But I snap up any opportunity to see them as they have lots of get togethers and we don't get invited most so I try and make the most out of it when we do as I want DS to feel part of my family not just my ex's.
I really appreciate the comment someone made about NBs being easier than toddlers, I have spent a lot of time with friends with their toddlers and know how difficult that can be in an enclosed situation but tiny babies are no bother unless they are screaming their heads off and I made it clear wld not let that happen.
I have just tried to explain as carefully as possible that it will be fine and I have organised the best arrangement that I can practically but that also I don't know for sure how it will be as every baby is different, when NB is born I will know more etc. But just seems to have fallen on deaf ears. It feels like they are trying to make me feel guity like I wiLl be spoiling their big day and I am being selfish by bringing NB, have even guilt tripped me about putting the baby 'through the ordeal of being at a wedding'. I just don't get it.
Do you think they are worried about the baby getting lots of attention and perhaps stealing some limelight? or just being a nuisance? Seems silly to think that as my cousin is not like that but I can see her mum (my aunt) being concerned, has always made jealous snipes about me as I think she had a problem with me being first grandchild (favourite / pet of my grandparents as she calls me)

whattodoo Wed 05-Jun-13 23:12:16

Jesus Lucy, how inconsiderate they're being!

If I were you, I'd be firm that bringing the baby is non negotiable. Either the baby is welcome to the service with you or you and NB won't be going. You plan to breastfeed and don't want to be away from your baby for too long.

Could your family (Mum?) take care of DS so that he can still be page boy?

LucyCamille Wed 05-Jun-13 22:59:24

I know this post is months old but cld really do with some advice/opinions if anyone is still out there!
I've read all your comments and find very interesting. I have my closest cousins wedding 5.5wks after my due date, my DS is 5 and is going to be a page boy.
I hadn't even considered not going as an option, the venue is about 45mins drive from home. I am a recently single mum so will be on my own, my mum will be coming with me but will not be any help.
I am posting as I am quite upset, my nan has called today to try an convince me not to bring the baby as my cousin has had second thoughts about the baby being there but was too nervous to speak to me about it.
My plan for the day was to go to the wedding at 1pm for the ceremony (lurk at the back in case of noise) and then go to the reception. My ex has agreed to pick both baby and DS up at around 6.30/7pm so that I can have a few hours to enjoy the party.
I don't think this seems an unreasonable plan, there will be plenty of other children at the wedding and I have made it clear I won't allow anything to disturb their day. I breatfed DS and intend to with the NB, DS was good as gold at that age and I had a long complicated birth but after about 3 weeks I was fine and feel confident that I will be fine for the wedding. My family can be a bit funny about breatfeeding, call it prudish or ignorance but they seem to treat the fact that I breastfeed with disdain, maybe because I am large chested and none of them managed to do it themselves (!) I will fret about outfit as it would be great to look nice but after what I have been through over the last few months I feel like I could really do with a good day / evening out.
Do you think I am being unreasonable? Can anyone explain to me from the brides perspective what my cousin is worried about? I have run through it every way possible and I just feel they aren't being very considerate to my situation. They are saying they are thinking about me and I won't be able to relax with baby there but I will have DS running around anyway?
Any ideas on what I should say to my cousin? I don't want to force/bully her into having the baby there but I really want to go, DS is really looking forward to being page boy, but without the baby I don't see how its feasible. sad

MiaowTheCat Wed 27-Feb-13 18:29:15

Talk to the couple - if only to flag up there'll be three of you to factor in and how close it is to your due date. Odds are with how inductions go for being overdue you're pretty much guaranteed to have given birth by then so it's not going to be you sat there praying your waters don't break as she goes down the aisle as an issue - it's going to be the post-birth you and newborn logistics.

We went to one when DD should have been 1 1/2 months or so (hubby was best man so kind of unavoidable and it was a LONG journey away as well so I didn't want him going on his own) - because of her prematurity she was 3 and a bit months as it panned out - it really wasn't the nightmare we might have imagined - I hid at the back for the ceremony ready to escape if needed, had her in a sling for lots of the reception (to the extent a couple of people wondered where the baby had gone!) and she slept through pretty much all of it... had more problems with hubby catching a stomach bug to be honest!

HindsightisaMarvellousThing Wed 27-Feb-13 17:57:04

LindaMcCartney has made a really good point - around the birth and immediately afterwards you should be thinking about yourself, the baby and DH, sitting on the sofa and enjoying cuddles with your newborn. Not wondering if you will fit into anything smart, worrying about leaking breasts, travelling to and from the venue, getting your hair done etc.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and said I'd decide nearer the time....well, DD was late, EMCS etc so I didn't go. But I resented the time spent worrying about it when I should have been thinking about DD.

bluer Wed 27-Feb-13 17:48:00

I'm going to be my sisters bridesmaid for Weeks after sure date...assuming all goes well anyway but my sister knows I'll need to be flexible and if I can be there I will. We've ordered a massive size of dress and the shop is going to do me a special fitting two days before!

woodsies1975 Wed 27-Feb-13 17:10:43

I wouldn't go - hard though it is. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend once (now an ex friend) and her wedding was a few weeks after my due date, and she was really p*ssed at me when I said thank you very much for asking me, very honoured etc, but no. Her wedding was cancelled in the end, so I didn't even get to go with my newborn, not that I would have gone anyway. Talk to her, ask her what she really feels, and if she is prepared to keep it flexible for you then all the better. If one of my friends came to me with this dilemma, I'd like to think that I would be understanding. I missed my best friend's wedding at 8 months as I had placenta praevia with DS and if I had gone into labour it would have been a bloody mess, literally, plus dreadful SPD which meant travelling the 3 hours to get there was unthinkable. In the end, I sent a beautiful card to the bride in her hotel for the morning of the wedding and an old fashioned telegram for the best man to read out during the speeches, which the couple really appreciated. Perhaps you could do something along those lines.

Brawhen Wed 27-Feb-13 16:43:29

We had similar situation with DS1. In the end DH went without me (I was home with baby but still quite beaten up & exhausted from birth, DS1 was about a week old).

Is that an option? Would not have been our first choice but actually worked quite well for us - I kind of felt like I'd been 'represented' at the wedding and they were chuffed that he'd been there and everyone toasted the new baby.

Bejeena Wed 27-Feb-13 16:33:08

I don't think its so much the likelihood of going into labour ON the day which is a concern, but the toll it takes on your body in general, which can last for several weeks, especially with your first baby.

Ah you see this is could be the thing. I don't think my friend really understands this, she has actually chosen her date around us a bit as she has assumed it will be better for me to travel with baby than whilst 8.5 months pregnant. (I did tell her that would rather come pregnant than with newborn though) I understand it and am hoping she will when I explain it to her, but part of me does have a very awful feeling that if I have had the baby already on my due date or around then that she is not going to be so understanding.

I think I will tell her we really want to come but cannot guarantee for certain that we'll 100% be able to make it and if she'd rather we just cancel then we will do that. But to be honest she is the kind of girl who might sulk if we cancel anyway.

Have not even gone as far to think about her hen weekend.

DoingItForMyself Wed 27-Feb-13 16:15:14

Bejeena I have no guarantee that my baby will won't be 2.5 weeks late do I? What if I have the baby the day before?

I don't think its so much the likelihood of going into labour ON the day which is a concern, but the toll it takes on your body in general, which can last for several years weeks, especially with your first baby.

Locketjuice Wed 27-Feb-13 15:48:41

Without sounding harsh.. You are having a baby not a major op!

Unless of course the birth doesn't go well and you do need c-section etc and really don't feel up to going I don't see why you couldn't? I had a shit labour and was in loads of pain after but went to a friends leaving do 5 days after having him, he came too, slept the whole time.

annaitaliana Wed 27-Feb-13 15:48:39

We made our decision of no children at the wedding was before DH and I had been down the baby path ourselves. And at the time, newborns were considered "children" in our book! I think it's hard to understand when you haven't had a DC yet and as Bejeena mentioned, her friend doesn't have children. Just takes a bit of communicating on both the bride and the friend's part so everybody appreciates both points of view...

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