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to not tell MIL when I go in labour...

(36 Posts)
rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:29:57

Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.

I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.

MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!

I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!

Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.

I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.

The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.


rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:34:10

hey i have posted this in AIBU for traffic x

rosiedays Tue 26-Feb-13 11:36:48

stand your ground. it's a special time for you and your patner. it's your labour, your baby. i'm not telling ANYONE other than DH when i go in.
If you really cant, have a word with the MW at the hospital when you go in and they will keep her at bay for you!
good luck.

5madthings Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:18

Yadnbu not at all!

scaevola Tue 26-Feb-13 11:39:43

YANBU: the proper time to "announce" labour is at its conclusion, not its onset.

Twinklestarstwinklestars Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:15

Yanbu, my mil is not quite that bad but not far off! She informed us she wants to be a grandma this time (this is our dc3) but isn't interested in the others!

We didn't tell her last time but someone must have cos she was ringing and texting every 5 mins then pestering to come to the hospital, the midwives had to get rid of her in the end as his temp was low but she was refusing to put him back in the hot cot to warm him up.

We won't be telling her this time either if we can help it but am hoping friends will have the other 2 dc so other family don't get dragged into it.

tomatoplantproject Tue 26-Feb-13 11:47:49

I wouldn't tell her - you don't want the distraction of her being a pain, and the stinking of fags - just yuk!

My dh told both sets of parents when things were starting to ramp up but they are all 3 hrs drive away. I had an emergency cs that was a very positive experience but having a parent panicking and worrying would have made it v distressing.

In any event we only had visitors once we were home - the postnatal ward was very busy and we didn't have much space. We were also getting the hang of feeding which I would have felt very uncomfortable doing in front of an audience.

She sounds v dramatic - I would avoid the histrionics and deal with them afterwards.

Good luck!!

Bejeena Tue 26-Feb-13 11:54:02

Not at all unreasonable.

I worry about this too, not that my inlaws will be at the hospital as we live abroad but mainly that my FIL has a habit of constantly texting and wanting to know what is going on. I can see it coming as he is like it when we travel anywhere too. I don't my husband to be hassled with this, I want himto be 100% concentrated on looking after me and the baby.

EuroShaggleton Tue 26-Feb-13 11:55:07

Definitely don't tell her!

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:15:10

She sounds selfish and self centred and the last person you will need near you when the time comes. I wouldn't tell her - its not her day it's yours and your DP. It's a one time only event and you will never get that time back - don't let anyone ruin it for you.

TinkyPeet Tue 26-Feb-13 12:22:17

I would tell her in advance and let her sulk now rather than trying to play the victim when baby is born. Make it clear to her that she is a grandparent not a parent this time and has no right to demand to be there. Tell her simply that you don't want her there and if she doesn't like it then she will just have to get over it xx

Rockchick1984 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:29:18

Tell her the hospital policy now is only 1 birth partner so she can't be there? FWIW I loved having visitors in hospital once I was on post natal ward - easiest way to guarantee no one would stay too long (2 visitors to a bed, visiting hours only 2 hours twice a day) and to guarantee FIL didn't expect me to be bringing him cups of tea and cakes like he did once we were home grin

MerryMingeWhingesAgain Tue 26-Feb-13 12:30:18

God no, don't tell her until baby is out and you have at least had a brew.

If she sulks about it, tough titty you can tell her things just moved quickly and you forgot/didn't have time,or my favourite - you had changed your mind and realised you needed the birth to be private. I like this one because it implies you had wanted her to be there and you are sorry you felt you needed the privacy.

First baby we told no one until after she arrived. Second time, I had to tell my MIL that DH wouldn't be visiting her tomorrow as I was 'having a few twinges and thought the baby was coming fairly soon' (I was in labour but knew it would be ages and didn't want her asking for updates) but otherwise told no one until I needed my sister to care for my PFB while I went in.

It's a private time for you and DH - feel free to lie through your teeth as much as you need and you can blame anything on the hormones afterwards grin

MiaowTheCat Tue 26-Feb-13 12:35:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SneezySnatcher Tue 26-Feb-13 12:37:35

We told nobody with DD. DH called parents after she was born. I hated the thought of everyone sitting around at home checking their phones, texting each other and waiting. Honestly, it made me feel sick. We did have visitors the next day at the hospital though.

This time we need child care for DD, but I'm considering swearing to secrecy whoever has her until this one has arrived safely.

Jojay Tue 26-Feb-13 12:38:47

I never understand why anyone tells anyone apart form their DH / DP / birth partner, when labour begins - once you're settled on the post natal ward is quite soon enough.

Stick to your guns.

cupcake78 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:45:20

I have no intension of telling my mil when I go into labour. Why does she need to know? She doesn't IMO.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 26-Feb-13 12:45:43

YANBU. scaevola says it best.

I would not dream of telling anyone except my birth partner.

I ignored phone calls and texts too when on my way. My mum kept ringing during DD2's birth. I did not pick up. That's what voicemail is for. It is kind of an intimate experience. Well, if I gloss over the hospital staff.

Good luck!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 26-Feb-13 12:47:35

To answer your question: smile and nodd. Don't engage.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 26-Feb-13 12:48:24

My MIL has already announced that she will be in the room during the birth. I don't bloody think so hmm I'm planning on telling no-one either. I do have a back up plan for if they show up, it involves telling them to piss right off and making sure they do and then blaming all the hormones/drugs for my rudeness afterwards. grin

You have every right to have your birth exactly how you want it!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Tue 26-Feb-13 12:52:39

Having done this a few times now can I give you a little hint. If you aren't going to tell her then make sure in the month or so before the birth you are regularly unavailable when she phones and call her back a few hours later, if the first time she isn't able to get in touch is when you are in labour she may head down to the hospital just in case, whereas if its happened a few times beforehand she will just think you are being scatty and not calling her again.

Indith Tue 26-Feb-13 12:53:56

I don't get this whole telling people when you go into labour thing. Only people I ever told were dh and the MW, can't say it crossed my mind to ring anyone else! Your MIL can bloody well wait and visit you when YOU are ready for it.

worsestershiresauce Tue 26-Feb-13 12:58:41

I'm due this week, and no one except my DH (and my very close friend if I need a lift to hospital) will be told until I am home and settled. The last thing anyone in labour needs is an unwelcome audience.

The midwives are there to look after you, so tell them your fears in advance and request that she is not allowed on the ward. If she does get in kick up a fuss and tell her to go away/have her removed.

mrssmooth Tue 26-Feb-13 13:06:17

I can't understand why people other than birth partners feel they have a right to be at the birth! If my mum or mil had announced they were going to be there when I had my dcs, they would have been told in no uncertain terms that they bloody well would not be there! It's such an intensely private time between you and your partner! Why would they think they'd be welcome unless they were asked?! I personally like MissyMoo's advice ... be "unavailable" every now and then and see what happens! I guess if she still doesn't take the hint and does find out when you are in labour, tell the midwives under no circumstances is she to be let in! Hope all goes well with the birth and mil keeps her distance!

racheld33 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:06:43

I didn't tell anyone when in labour, my dad called at our house 2 hours into it, I pretended all was fine, sat smiling (grimacing) on the sofa whilst he chatted for 10 mins and then he left, and I continued!
It is so private, and sometimes can go on for days, so I just wanted it between me and my DH.

My cousins MIL was fuming when she was told the baby had arrived, and she had not been told the labour had even started! I think, your baby, your decision!

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