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Pg and not fiancee's

(135 Posts)
Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 07:41:59

Firstly, please don't judge me. I feel bad enough!

I am pregnant and its not my fiancees, although he is aware, and taking on the baby as his own.We broke up a couple of months before I fell pregnant. I stupidly slept with a close male friend. Close male friend totally disowned me, saying to get an abortion etc. He has said he wants nothing to do with me or baby and never wants to see me again.

Fiancee was devastated when we broke up and we got back together. I then found out I was pregnant, and realised it wasn't and couldn't be his child. I discussed this with him, and although upset, he understood I couldn't terminate. I explained that I would understand if he didn't want to continue with the relationship. But, he has been amazing. We've had a few times of insecurity, on his, and my part, but after openly discussing, decided to continue with the r/s and pregnancy.

I feel nervous and wonder if fiancee is really ok with pregnancy. He has children from a previous r/s but hasn't told them anything. He said he's told his mother, but no-one else.

I'm wondering how he will be when baby is born, even though he says he will put his name on birth certificate and call child his own. Is this even legal?

I'm happy to be pregnant, but, I've had an extremely traumatic past year or so. Won't go into details, but had to leave work due to severe trauma which developed into PTSD. This still affects me now, and I have episodes of severe sadness and regret. I did have counselling, and have since periodically spoken to samaritans, who say I underwent a severe and multiple trauma and need to be a bit easier on myself.

Feeling very tearful this morning, and really don't want to be judged. I feel bad enough as it is. sad

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 18-Feb-14 20:54:40

Didn't want to read and run.

It's difficult when you find yourself in a position like this because at the time you weren't together.

It seems to me that the pregnancy and the relationship are two different 'issues' as it were.

Being pregnant by someone who doesn't want to be involved isn't ideal. But as long as you feel confident that you want to continue with the pregnancy and can provide the love and attention that a baby needs, then although it's unfortunate you don't need this man to be in your life.

The same goes for your partner really. If you want to be with him of course you should be but it seems to me you have many doubts and I don't blame you with the way he behaves - I certainly wouldn't be putting up with behaviour like that and I don't think you should have to either. That coupled with his immaturity I can understand why you have reservations about the relationship.

Perhaps you may decide to see how it goes or you may decide to cut your losses now, whilst you still have control of the situation (not that you wouldn't in the future, but once the baby has a bond with your partner it'll be harder and when he has a bond with the baby too).

He's amicable for wanting to stick around but as you say you don't know how he will feel once the baby has arrived.

I hope whatever decision you come to it's the right one for you and your baby.

I wish you all the best in your pregnancy.

Believe in yourself and that you can make the right decisions for you and your baby. thanks

PenguinsEatSpinach Tue 18-Feb-14 20:19:30

Sounds like you have already done a marvellous job as a parent once so I am sure you are again. You sound in such a good place, for anyone but especially compared to last year. Onwards and upwards!

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 20:16:33

PenguinsEatSpinach Again, thank you so so much.
I have got friends that would understand, but I've kind of not really needed them too much. I also think that since having dd and ds moving away to uni, I've adapted to my 'new' life and became semi-reclusive, but oh so happy. I love nothing more than chilling at home in the evening once dd is in bed. DS was amazingly supportive when I told him about ex's death, and stayed with me for the weekend. I cried on his shoulder, and he was so supportive. I feel deep love and respect for DS and he's growing into a wonderful man. Miss him like crazy, but adapting all the same. He loves uni, and is doing really well, I'm so proud.
I also am immensely proud of the last year, and all I've achieved. I know all too well how my life would have been if I'd have stayed with my ex. DD is the absolute light of my life. She is very happy and content, and makes me laugh every day. I'm currently volunteering in a women's centre, which is hugely rewarding, and sometimes harrowing. But, my life experience helps me empathise and I feel huge compassion for the women I volunteer with.

PenguinsEatSpinach Tue 18-Feb-14 19:11:15

Longlive - this is one of those threads where you realllly need to read the later posts. The thread spans over a year and she left him quite a while ago.

Solitude/Confused - Have you got friends who would understand? It is ok to grieve, even for someone who was abusive. You might have to 'allow' yourself to do that. But ultimately, wow, aren't you in so much of a better place than you could have been. Look back at this time last year? You could have spent the last year with a sexually abusive man. Your daughter could have known this man has her father. You made really difficult, but really positive, choices for you and for your family. I hope your DS is enjoying uni and over and teething troubles (I hated my first term!).

Longlive2014 Tue 18-Feb-14 18:42:52

Your fiancé is a rapist.

Sorry x

I hope you find the courage to end the relationship.

Do whatever is in your heart about the baby, personally I wouldn't continue the pregnancy, because I wouldn't if a relationship was over. I wouldn't want to be tied for the rest of my life to an arsehole that can walk away from a baby, knowingly.

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 18:03:59

PenguinsEatSpinach yes I am the OP after a name change. Thank you for your words. Definitely feeling a huge mix of emotions. But. I don't regret ending the relationship at all.

PenguinsEatSpinach Tue 18-Feb-14 14:07:21

Solitude - Are you the OP after a name change?

Go easy on yourself. You have come an amazingly long way in a year. You have been soooo strong to do what you did.Even though this was a man you needed out of your life and who was abusive, any death is a shock and it's ok to feel stunned/confused/upset.

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 13:44:45

dats I updated to say ex-fiancée had died of a heart attack.

dats Tue 18-Feb-14 12:56:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 12:45:15

Ex-fiancee had a massive heart attack on 6th January '14 and died. Was buried on 7th February. I found out on 6th February. Visited his mother, and she told me where about in graveyard his grave was. Went to his grave, just dd and me. Cried at his grave, total mix of feelings. One side of me feels relief he is gone, and that I won't have to see him again, or risk bumping into him etc. Then I feel hugely guilty and wonder how I could think such things. Massive shock!!

solitudehappiness Sun 03-Nov-13 13:51:54

Ex-fiancee texted me and has also asked me to 'join' him on twitter, all in the last week. I've ignored him on both occasions, but, it has left me feeling very un-nerved and wondering what he will do?? Or was he just controlling me so much and putting fear in me that I'm just being silly now??

WTF does he want???

Confused40 Thu 22-Aug-13 00:00:17

Pressed send too soon, thanks also BIWI smile

Confused40 Wed 21-Aug-13 23:59:35

Thanks ChippingInHopHopHop smile

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 21-Aug-13 23:18:06

WOW - well done you smarty pants grin

Bloody hell - that's a brilliant result without all the shite going on, with it - it's A MAZ ING!!!!

wine cake flowers

BIWI Wed 21-Aug-13 23:07:05

Brilliant! flowers

Confused40 Wed 21-Aug-13 23:06:00

Further update:-

Just got the results from my course. I got a 2.1!!!! With all that crap going on and the turmoil and I not only passed but I got a bloody 2.1. I'm so happy, happy, happy smile

Coconutty Mon 19-Aug-13 07:43:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofrainydays Mon 19-Aug-13 07:18:59

Wow. Just read the first half and last half of this post. Good on you for leaving him and you will be fine without him (in fact so much better off!) it will be tough but you can do it and just look at your gorgoues dd to get you through. Good luck to you x

Confused40 Mon 19-Aug-13 01:16:00

That's sound advice, thank you so much smile x

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 00:21:44

Well, it's sad in one way, but better in another. I wouldn't contact him again. Men that dip in and out of their children's lives do far more damage than those who just stay away.

You and DD will be a tight unit and then, you never know, one day you may meet Mr Wonderful and he will enrich both of your lives. Put the other two firmly in the past!

Confused40 Mon 19-Aug-13 00:12:39

Very true!
DD's father was told about her when she was two days old. I texted him and sent three photos of dd. He replied that his mother had passed away and he was sorting out her estate. He told me to take care of myself and dd. I've heard nothing since, but have sent photo's once since that time. Looks like he's sticking to what he said about wanting nothing to do with her sad

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 00:02:41

Well, anytime you need a reality check - you wont have to look far, you could re-read this thread! and there are literally hundreds of threads on here about awful ex partners and how they ignore or treat/hurt/abuse their children sad Heartbreaking.

Can you remind me where you stand with DD's father? Does he know about her?

Confused40 Sun 18-Aug-13 23:50:10

Thanks ChippingInHopHopHop smile
You're right of course, and, yes I do need a kick up the bum at times with a reality check of how bad it could be. Oh God, can you imagine if he was legally entitled to see dd. That won't happen. My heart goes out to any woman who is in the position, it must be awful.
I'll find out tomorrow about legalities. I'm not so much worried about bedroom tax, as eligibility. I'll be going back to work after I've finished clinical hours placement. Part-time though, as dd is still young.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 18-Aug-13 23:39:29


Come and talk to us if you feel like ringing him in the future.

He isn't worthy of your time and he is certainly not worthy of DD's time - even if he would see her, which I doubt. He is a nasty fucker and you need to stay the hell away from him. If you want to scare yourself out of doing it - read some of the threads on here where Mums have to hand their DC over to these scary bastards whether they want to or not... and sadly, worse sad

I don't know enough about the stupid bedroom tax to advise you one way or the other - but why not phone them tomorrow and ask? I hope you get a new place soon.

Confused40 Sun 18-Aug-13 23:33:56

Thank you to you all.
I've had a very wobbly day today. DS will be off to uni in a few weeks and its scaring the crap out of me. He was away for two weeks at summer school and although I coped, I was very jumpy in the house alone. My cat came into the bathroom and hearing the floorboards creak and then the door open had me frozen to the spot.
I've applied to move to a three bedroom property since dd was born, but as ds will be in halls during term-time will I still be eligible? I really don't want to be breaking the law by still applying for a three bedroom.
I have such bad memories in my current home and really don't feel safe here.
My health visitor, GP and counsellor have all written supporting letters, which I've sent off to my housing association.

Yes I've been strong leaving fiancee, but, I am on my own and its bloody scary at times. I've wanted to ring him so many times, but have held back or distracted myself. DD is so lovely and I've so wanted him to see her, then felt repulsed at the thought of seeing him again. Worse, I had really bad feeling thinking of him anywhere near her when I was changing her nappy. Call it mothers intuition, but I really don't trust him, and this has stopped me from calling. sad

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