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Pg and not fiancee's

(135 Posts)
Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 07:41:59

Firstly, please don't judge me. I feel bad enough!

I am pregnant and its not my fiancees, although he is aware, and taking on the baby as his own.We broke up a couple of months before I fell pregnant. I stupidly slept with a close male friend. Close male friend totally disowned me, saying to get an abortion etc. He has said he wants nothing to do with me or baby and never wants to see me again.

Fiancee was devastated when we broke up and we got back together. I then found out I was pregnant, and realised it wasn't and couldn't be his child. I discussed this with him, and although upset, he understood I couldn't terminate. I explained that I would understand if he didn't want to continue with the relationship. But, he has been amazing. We've had a few times of insecurity, on his, and my part, but after openly discussing, decided to continue with the r/s and pregnancy.

I feel nervous and wonder if fiancee is really ok with pregnancy. He has children from a previous r/s but hasn't told them anything. He said he's told his mother, but no-one else.

I'm wondering how he will be when baby is born, even though he says he will put his name on birth certificate and call child his own. Is this even legal?

I'm happy to be pregnant, but, I've had an extremely traumatic past year or so. Won't go into details, but had to leave work due to severe trauma which developed into PTSD. This still affects me now, and I have episodes of severe sadness and regret. I did have counselling, and have since periodically spoken to samaritans, who say I underwent a severe and multiple trauma and need to be a bit easier on myself.

Feeling very tearful this morning, and really don't want to be judged. I feel bad enough as it is. sad

ExhaustedMamasita Thu 28-Feb-13 12:29:27

Oh and by the way, I agree with Caja, sounds like you're doing great, you are an inspiration! Just keep on it.

Your "friend" sounds like a bit of a cow! Don't listen to her! There are single mother support groups out there - hunt them out and make new friends. Last thing you need is your own friends judging your circumstances!!

Good luck!

Msbluesky32 Thu 28-Feb-13 13:58:37

It sounds like you've had a traumatic couple of days but well done on confronting him. It might not seem like it right now but you will look back and feel very proud of yourself for being so strong. As for the friend - they don't sound like much of a friend to me, ignore it - you really don't owe anyone an explanation for anything you decide.

Teaandflapjacks Thu 28-Feb-13 18:17:15

I just wanted to reach out to you, with the other Ladies on here. You have gone through so much and I can totally understand just lying there and crying. Your ex-fiance sounded vile, TBH. I worried how he might affect you later with his touching, and worse, and even, terrible thought, your unborn child, partic. since it was not his own. Obviously this is just speculation, but it really worried me. Now you have removed your child to a place of safety.

I quite agree with dreamingbohemian that you often seem to have friends that are toxic and abusive too - even if they are only abusive to you, and no-one else you know. In the end people like this, they enjoy tormenting you, they enjoy seeing you wounded, they project onto you. You just need to walk away.

You will find some people being amazing, and others less so, or at least it will feel like this. This isn't because they are being unkind, people often get so wrapped up in their own lives, or don't know what to say sometimes when people are going through a bad situation, just hold on to that if you feel alone, when really you are not.

I would agree with going to the doctors and getting counselling if you can, from the other posters. I also thought of something that may help - when I went through a shocking time (whole other story), I found people saying 'you have got to keep active' really annoying. But actually when I bothered to do something small, it really helped - you could take up something like knitting - just knit a scarf for your baby. It really doesn't matter what it looks like, the point is, you are doing it. Or something else similar. I don't know if this sounds trite - i really do not mean it to - was just thinking of something to keep you putting one foot in front of the other. The other thing I found really helpful was a really easy comedy that was nothing to do with 'falling in love' - so I watched Vicar of Dibley, and Father Ted constantly. When I was crawling the walls, staring blankly into space, and couldn't move for thinking again, I found this eased me. Everyone is different, but thought I would share this with you, in case it helps.

Much love to you, and hope you are ok.

ReikiMummy Thu 28-Feb-13 19:35:40

Wow again Confused - ((mahoussive hugs to you)).

It's a big step you've taken, and yes, you're finding some of your friends are not what they seemed and yes, by golly it hurts.

But you know what - all that is doing is creating some room for you to invite some Proper friends into your world.

Nature abhors a vacuum etc etc, and now - you get to choose who shares you and your childs lives.

Just take one step at a time, and be easy on yourself. wine

Rm x

Confused40 Thu 28-Feb-13 21:48:11

I'm feeling so inspired, empowered, and yet emotional from reading through all the responses I'm getting. I was just looking in the mirror at my growing bump, and patted it and she kicked! I have so much love for this child, and am so encouraged by reading posts saying I'll be a good Mummy.

Ex (oh goodness) fiancee texted me this last night, and this evening and I've ignored both messages. He left a few items here, purposely I think, but he can wait until I'm ready for him to collect them. He's trying to persuade me for another chance, as I was weak and gave in before. Not this time sunshine!!

I've had feelings of weakness today, but spoke to another friend, who totally supports me and my decision and was horrified at his behaviour. Weakness in that I'm scared of being lonely, and not coping. I guess usual stuff associated with pregnancy. I've printed off the doula application form, and will fill it out tomorrow.

I have absolutely no intention of EVER going back to a relationship with EX fiancee. Oh that feels goooooddd he he.grin

Heard back from counselling place and I can start next week! Whoo Hoo!! I'll be able to explore my feelings in a safe non-judgmental space and learn more about myself and why I chose to be in such a destructive and abusive relationship and why I went back for more. Think because I grew up with abuse, I've normalised it without realising.

dreamingbohemian Thu 28-Feb-13 22:54:35

Oh that's terrific about the counseling!

And you sound so strong about not going back to your ex -- well done. He is such bad news.

I have to say, Exhausted's story about her mum brought a tear to my eye. What an amazing woman! And what an inspiration. Just keep thinking about your little one, before you know it she'll be here. Are you thinking about names yet? smile

Confused40 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:12:14

Exhausted's post about her mother made me cry too! What an amazingly inspiring and strong woman! She stuck to her principles and fought for her daughter!

Yes I'm so grateful that I'll be starting counselling soon. Will probably be tough, but no pain no gain, as I'm learning.

I've chosen babies name. She will be called Maya, pronounced My ahh. One of my closest female friends is choosing her middle name. She'll have my surname. She'll be here in just over two months, which is scary and wonderful at the same time smile

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Fri 01-Mar-13 00:02:10

Oh not too long to wait now until you have Maya in your arms smile

You have at least two good friends - the one who you spoke to who was supportive & the one who is choosing Maya's middle name, would you not ask either of them if they would be your birthing partner?

The other 'friend' who said her partner thinks you are a jezabel is no friend and never was - sad to say that about someone who you have known 18 years isn't it sad but she's a twat. Firstly, she must have given him that impression and secondly to tell you that's what he thinks instead of just putting him straight. Don't give her a second thought.

Life has it's way of sorting out who your real friends are - and it's all about quality, not quantity.

Take care & stay strong - you can do this - you and Maya

dreamingbohemian Fri 01-Mar-13 09:38:06

Oh Maya is a lovely name smile

Only two more months! How exciting!!

Confused40 Fri 01-Mar-13 11:42:54

Am gaining more and more confidence by speaking to more and more friends, and also spoke to my older sister. Its making me realise how isolated I'd made myself, due to my anxiety and for fear of being judged. But like someone posted, people will always judge, its human nature.

eminoxford Fri 01-Mar-13 11:47:30

Dear Confused, I've just been compelled to read through this entire thread, and post (which tbh, I don't often do). I just wanted to add my admiration for what you have achieved in such a short time, it is truly amazing, I take my hat off to you. I can understand that it has been traumatic and incredibly hard for you, but like everyone else here, I am convinced that you have made the right choice for you and for your daughter, for both of your longer term health, happiness and safety. So for now, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence, you can do this, and in many years to come, your daughter can look back with pride at what a strong and wonderful mother she has...
Glad that you are already looking into what support and help is out there for you.
I am sorry that your past has included all of these traumatic experiences, but it is just that, the past, and now you can look forward to a future where you are in control, no-one else, and in a few months you will have your beautiful little girl to concentrate on, and it will all make sense!
Hugs to you, incredible superwoman xx

LexiLexi Fri 01-Mar-13 14:27:44

Confused just wanted to add my support, you have shown amazing courage and strength in coming to your decision and although there will be ups and downs, things will get easier with time.

In terms of your ex, it might be worth considering blocking his text messages and attempts to call if you can so that you are able to move on better with your new life and stay positive. If he does call or text you when you are feeling down and lonely, try not to respond right away but to give yourself some time to think and perhaps if you can, call up a trusted friend for support. Speaking from past experience, thank goodness now a very long time ago, toxic people can be very persistent in their attempts to get back in your life and so he may try all sorts of things to make you feel sorry for him or to flatter you/make promises that things will be better. Perhaps the tricky period is between 2 weeks - 3 months after you have split up as by then you may have let your guard down a little.

(hugs) wishing you all the best on your new and exciting journey

ExhaustedMamasita Fri 01-Mar-13 15:19:39

Eeeeek two months to go - not long at all! Let us know when little Maya arrives, all your Mumsnet Talk friends will want to hear updates!!! Sending you strength, good energy, lots of hugs and love Confused! xx

nectarini1983 Fri 01-Mar-13 15:46:49

Would you be able to live with yourself if he abused your child?!?!? He knows the childs not his.... not that that stops some pervs.

Just something to think about.....

BraveLilBear Fri 01-Mar-13 16:02:30

Hey Confused I'd missed some of these posts but so glad I had a reread today - so impressed that you chose to walk away from this guy, however scary it was, you have just done committed a huge act of love to both your daughter and yourself.

The shockwaves will come and rock you, they always do. It's nature's way of making you doubt yourself. But you have been so strong so far and made so much progress that I know you can follow this through.

Friends who are not supportive are not friends. You do not need them. Now is the chance to rebuild your relationships with your real friends and the parts of your family that you can - plus you will meet so many new friends in the coming weeks through antenatal classes and baby groups that this is such a big chance to start again.

I really hope the counselling works well - keep going with it even if it's tough to begin with - and that you get to find a doula, too.

Keep it up confused your daughter is a very lucky girl to have a mummy like you x

Confused40 Sun 03-Mar-13 09:31:14

Proud to say that I'm still deflecting all of his texts and emails. I'm starting to let more and more friends know whats happened. Most have been really supportive, and have rang and offered support, and are visiting etc. One said 'you're going for counselling? God, you're so American. Dust yourself off and love yourself girlfriend'. She doesn't know the full extent of what happened. Funnily enough only those on here do. Guess its easy being brave with strangers. She's entitled to her opinion, and I'm trying to let it bother me. Didn't react to her at all.

Have made myself so busy these last few days. I'm studying one day a week, which takes a lot of my time, and I finish just before baby is due. I've also written loads of letters I've been meaning to do. Filled out forms that needed doing and done loads of cooking. Currently have a thai curry and a stew on the stove. Am freezing part of all food that I cook in preparation for when baby arrives.

I've also picked up the blanket I was knitting, and stopped. Its growing as I am. I realise I have a long, long way to go, and am not yet out of the woods. I've been weak and gone back to him before. I have to stay strong, and think of myself and the baby. When I start counselling I'm fully expecting to learn things about myself which I won't like, but understand the need to do it.

I'm starting to love myself more and more, and am actually enjoying my own company. I realised how controlling he actually was, and not just sexually. In all aspects he was a complete control junkie. But then who am I to judge. I know he has his own issues, and really hope he gets counselling, but I very much doubt it. He seems to think he's gods gift, due to the nature of his work, which constantly boosts his ego.

Have a great weekend people, and thank you in abundance for your support. It means a great deal, and for people to be so honest, which in reality is what I needed. The truth can be painful, but without pain, there is no gain........

Mango194 Sun 03-Mar-13 12:34:01

Confused, I've just read through this thread and am full of admiration for how you've dealt with such a difficult situation. I wish all women in a similar position could find the strength that you have shown. Keep taking things one step at a time and ignore anyone who judges you - people only spend their energy criticising others if they're unhappy with themselves - it's no reflection on you. As the support of your real friends has already shown, there are plenty of good people out there - keep reaching out and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

You will be a fantastic mum. Wishing you all the luck in the world, from a fellow mum-to-be (sounds like our DDs are due at the same time!) xx

Confused40 Sun 03-Mar-13 13:26:05

Mango194 thank you! I am taking one day at a time, and gaining strength whilst doing so. I do have my weak moments, but just have to rub my stomach (like a magic genie) and my precious little one kicks me, which is reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

Congratulations on impending DD! It's exciting huh? I'm finding mumsnet hugely helpful. And, where else would I be inspired by so many wonderful, strong, empowering and truthful women? xx

Confused40 Sat 17-Aug-13 10:52:20

Wanted to update....
Dd arrived with the help of a doula and close friend and I had a water birth and easy 4 hour labour. Once water had broke dd was born 15 mins later.
Ds is utterly delighted with his little sister and adores her as she does him.
I've not heard from ex fiancée, and dd's father isn't interested.
I'm continuing with counselling and am gaining strength from it.
Dd will be 11 weeks on Monday.
I'm loving being a mummy again and my friends have been so supportive. I'm blessed.
AND....... Ds got his A Level results this week and A*,A,A. He's been accepted into one of the best uni's in the country. Very proud happy son and mum smilesmilesmile

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 17-Aug-13 11:08:02

Congratulations to you and your ds. grin You've come a long way since February.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 17-Aug-13 11:12:27

Congratulations, what a lovely update

ALittleBitOfMagic Sat 17-Aug-13 11:28:04

confused I have went through something similar although not as fast paced as yours . I split from my high school boyfriend of 3 years and Ended up in a really horrible EA relationship and became pregnant at 18 . I ended this relationship and had the baby , he didn't want to know . Still kept in contact with high school bf and saw him once every so often . When dd was coming up for her second birthday we begun to get closer again and ended up starting a relationship again . Anyway , he is now my lovely dh , dd is 8 and we have a gorgeous baby ds now too . Dd doesn't know dh isn't her "real" father . Anyway , my point is it can all work out . The fact that dd isn't biologically DHs is a complete nonissue .

ALittleBitOfMagic Sat 17-Aug-13 11:30:34

Ignore everything I just said I just read the op thanks

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 17-Aug-13 11:37:53

OP you are truly fabulous.

Lovemyprincess4eva Sat 17-Aug-13 11:52:34

Congrats!! I am totally in awe of u and think u are a very strong woman after going through everything u did u really do deserve to be happy xx

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