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Pg and not fiancee's

(135 Posts)
Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 07:41:59

Firstly, please don't judge me. I feel bad enough!

I am pregnant and its not my fiancees, although he is aware, and taking on the baby as his own.We broke up a couple of months before I fell pregnant. I stupidly slept with a close male friend. Close male friend totally disowned me, saying to get an abortion etc. He has said he wants nothing to do with me or baby and never wants to see me again.

Fiancee was devastated when we broke up and we got back together. I then found out I was pregnant, and realised it wasn't and couldn't be his child. I discussed this with him, and although upset, he understood I couldn't terminate. I explained that I would understand if he didn't want to continue with the relationship. But, he has been amazing. We've had a few times of insecurity, on his, and my part, but after openly discussing, decided to continue with the r/s and pregnancy.

I feel nervous and wonder if fiancee is really ok with pregnancy. He has children from a previous r/s but hasn't told them anything. He said he's told his mother, but no-one else.

I'm wondering how he will be when baby is born, even though he says he will put his name on birth certificate and call child his own. Is this even legal?

I'm happy to be pregnant, but, I've had an extremely traumatic past year or so. Won't go into details, but had to leave work due to severe trauma which developed into PTSD. This still affects me now, and I have episodes of severe sadness and regret. I did have counselling, and have since periodically spoken to samaritans, who say I underwent a severe and multiple trauma and need to be a bit easier on myself.

Feeling very tearful this morning, and really don't want to be judged. I feel bad enough as it is. sad

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:02:19

I did not know so many women out there had experienced similar to me, or would know someone who had. How sad. I could ask a friend to come with me to the labour, but I'm to embarassed, so the advice and information about doula's is perfect. Didn't even know such people existed.

I know what I have to do, its just putting it into action. Separating my emotions and putting them into reality is taking time. I've been reading up on sexually abusive men and scarily realise fiancee fits the description. Whoah....

I know that my child will grow up watching his behaviour towards me and think this is the norm. Its a cycle of abuse, and one I am ultimately responsible to stop......

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:12:47

Perhaps that's a good place to start - a place where you can meet women in similar circumstances. There is a lit of support out there for women who face abuse, could you look into your local services? Having grown up in an abusive home myself I understand how easy it is to accept bad treatment but you are right - you have the power to stop the cycle now. You deserve a loving, supportive and kind partner like anyone else does. Your baby deserves a happy and content mummy too. Don't sell yourself short x

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:13:12

Lot not lit

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:23:42

Umm, I'm reluctant to access services such as mental health as I believe they would judge me. I'm more than likely to get counselling after baby is born, but with a charity/women's centre or private, depending on my finances.

Reading through other women's experiences on the abuse site made me realise how isolated I've become. Not having any money restricts me from such a lot, considering my closest friends are all so far away.

I really feel that I do need support from my friends, but, I got back with fiancee and have sung his praises so highly. ....

aufaniae Tue 26-Feb-13 15:34:31

"I really feel that I do need support from my friends, but, I got back with fiancee and have sung his praises so highly."

Then, please talk to your friends. So what if you sung your fiancee's praises? Things have changed (he's gone back on a promise and you've realised he's actually abusive). It is his fault he's an abusive arsehole, not yours for hoping he wasn't.

Sorry if this sounds harsh (but I only know it because I was the same!). The person stopping you getting the help you need to deal with difficult situation is not him but you.

Yes, you may feel a bit awkward explaining that he's not the man you hoped he was, but it's really not important in the scheme of things, and insignificant compared to the help and support that any friends who care about you will give you.

Also, it's a great positive step to share with people in RL what's going on. When I finally admitted that my ex was abusive to friends in RL, it was a real relief, as if I had broken the spell. Before that I was in effect covering for him, and it was damaging to me.

Why not call a friend today and ask them to come over? I understand the feeling of embarrassment, I really do, but your friends will understand. Wouldn't you want them to tell you if they were in a similar situation, rather than hide it from you for fear of feeling embarrassed?

SirBoobAlot Tue 26-Feb-13 16:44:44

If your friends are good friends, then once you have explained to them - even vaguely - what he has been doing to you, then they will be fucking furious, call you a few names for not telling them earlier, and give you a hug. Understand how hard that is, but trust me, it helps.

Certainly look into doulas, they're wonderful. Also, when women give birth alone, it tends to be that there is a midwife with her at all times, so you won't be labouring by yourself.

glossyflower Tue 26-Feb-13 17:22:18

From personal experience I would be honest with your child's paternity. You could say your dad wasnt ready for you but I was and love you twice as much but I wouldn't lie or keep the identity secret.
I discovered who my biological father was at 26 and although I have an adopted father who brought me up as his own (and I believed he was my biological father until age 13) it mentally troubled me that I knew my mum was keeping a big secret from me.
I can understand my mums reasons though, it's complicated (basically she was abused) but I went through a lot of mental trauma before and after finding out.

As for the fiancé - you sound much better off without him TBH. Join some antenatal classes you will meet new friends locally.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 19:09:09

A very close friend rang me today. She is really supportive and I feel great having shared with her what has happened. I've not heard from fiancee all day. Just checked my emails and he sent one saying he hopes I've had a restful and relaxing day. He apologised for last night/this morning saying that he knows why I ignored him when he left this morning. He said he's giving me some space and is chastising himself. He says he's giving me some time away from him and hopes baby is ok.

I was hoping he would come over so I could give him the stuff that is here. I'm realising that he is controlling what happened last night. How many more times will he say he is sorry?

I think I'm going to plan for a doula to be with me during labour, but still not sure yet. Oh goodness, I don't know. I've got so much going on in my head and can't allow myself to think too deeply. I'm so tired too. When he'd woken me up I couldn't get back to sleep so feel really tired today.

ReikiMummy Tue 26-Feb-13 20:58:50

Confused.... oh wow.. (hugs) and ((more hugs))

Nothing else to add, except to say I've been in a similar relationship in the past and the best (and hardest) thing I did was to get out.

And yes, I had to "own up" to all my friends etc, but they understood. Except the one or two that I was better off without anyway...

Only you can do it, but I wish you all the strength to keep going with this.

I'm glad you can see what he's doing for what it is. Trying desperately to regain some control over a situation he quite frankly knows is out of his control.


MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 26-Feb-13 21:20:36

Of course you feel tired x You are exhausted by the relationship as much, if not more, than lack of sleep last night - it's emotionally draining.

You don't have to make any other decisions right now - than to keep this abusive bastard out of your life. That's all, that's the only thing you need to focus on right now - OK x

You have ages until you need to decide who is coming in with you when your baby is born - ages. Your friends wont judge you, it doesn't matter if you have sung his praises before - everyone does that and usually the louder they are singing, the more there is to cover up, I bet half your friends already think he's a prick and the other half will agree when YOU realise YOU are worth more than this shit and aren't afraid to tell your friends what a bastard he turned out to be, I expect most of them would like to lay him out flat for you.

Anyone who isn't supportive, isn't worth wasting your time on. Truely.

It's worth repeating...

1. This is NOT your fault, it is NOT a coincidence you ended up with someone who abuses you, it's the sad fact that so many do after they have been abused before. YOU can break this cycle, YOU are now in control. No one else.

2. You don't have to make any other decisions right now - than to keep this abusive bastard out of your life. That's all, that's the only thing you need to focus on right now - OK x

You and your baby will be fine, you will be far far better than fine. A lovely unit of two and in time, maybe you will meet someone who is worthy of sharing you life with - but you don't need them. You are a strong, independent woman - you can do it.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 21:53:23

I'm so consumed with this all. I've been out once today, to post two letters and couldn't wait to get back inside. I feel comfortable at home, and safe. I'm so glad that I'm not seeing fiancee today. I really don't have the energy.

I'm so scared of the future, and I know I should be taking one day at a time, but I'm struggling. I know worrying is a negative emotion, and achieves nothing. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my bed tonight in the knowledge that he won't be there. I was chatting with my friend, and she used a rude swear word when I explained that I'm scared to go to sleep sometimes as I wonder what I'll wake up to find him doing.

How awful does that sound?

Reading through some of the replies is mind numbing. I know he is a sexually abusive man, and its so hard to admit it, and even worse to read someone say so. The truth is the best policy for me though. I need to face up to it once and for all.

Like some of the posts have said, leaving the r/s will be the most difficult thing to do. I've gone back to him once before, so he obviously still hasn't changed and has less respect for me.

It makes me realise why I get so emotional sometimes too. Or is it passive aggressive? I don't know? I know that I've been hiding this for such a long time, and have done everything to try and cover it up. Obviously it hasn't worked.......

Confused40 Wed 27-Feb-13 22:21:22

I DID IT!! I'm now officially single!

After emailing me, which I ignored. He texted me the next morning, and then rang a couple of hours later. I ignored him again, and went shopping for some some pampering cocoa butter and shower gel, and then had a haircut. (Got some bargains, and it was only £12 for the hairdresser!!)

I'd been home about 15 minutes and he arrived at my house.

I let him in, and we talked with me telling him he was a sexual abuser and worse! He didn't like that accusation at all!! He seemed to think we'd taken that step in our relationship that allowed him to wake me up. He even said that he thought I was aroused?? I asked him if someone had behaved like this towards his sister how would he feel? He was unable to answer. I also said, how can I ever trust you again when you've behaved like this before several times previously, and been sorry each time. I told him that I should be entitled to sleep at night without wondering if he will wake me up touching me intimately.

I said I wanted to end the relationship and that I believe he needs psychological help. I asked him to label what he had been doing to me. Hearing him say sexual abusing was really sad! I said that the past year had been extremely traumatic, and he had not helped by behaving in such a way.

We went out for a chinese meal, as I couldn't face cooking, and wanted to get out of the house. He came back to the house afterwards, packed up his belongings that were here and left. Its the end of a relationship which I've realised has been a cycle of abuse.

I've ended that cycle of abuse, and now have some SERIOUS work to do on working out how and why I allowed this to happen. I've contacted a charity who specialise in sexual abuse and will be having some counselling.

I bought my babies coming home outfit today, and also applied to an access fund to have a doula with me when I give birth.

i just have to stop crying now sad

thanks to all the women who've taken the time to comment and for being so honest. I appreciate the honesty shown, and my heart goes out to all the women who have experienced similar, and for all those who are still suffering. I know leaving is the hardest thing to do!

Trazzletoes Wed 27-Feb-13 22:32:59

Wow! confused what an amazing, strong woman you are! Just look at what you have achieved today!

You cannot doubt now that you can achieve anything you want to, after what you have managed today.

I am so, SO proud of you. Well done. Here's to the rest of your life! wine

TwitchyTail Wed 27-Feb-13 22:38:52

What an awful scenario and good on you for being brave enough to get out.

Just wanted to comment on giving birth alone - I did (a few days ago grin ), by choice (happily married but inhibited about these things), and it was absolutely fine. I didn't feel at all unsupported, so don't let this worry you.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 22:41:20

Well done!!

Now you need to stay strong and do not get back with him, no matter what he promises, you have already seen that his word means less than nothing.

Don't be tempted to be his friend or to help him - you need to get him out of your life completely and move on.

I'm glad you are getting counselling smile

CommanderShepard Wed 27-Feb-13 22:48:56

You brave, brave woman. Your last post is incredible - I'm so in awe of you. Your baby is going to have such a fantastic mummy.

Be kind to yourself x

thethreeblondies Wed 27-Feb-13 23:02:02

Well done! I came on earlier to see if there was any update and am really really pleased that you had such a positive day, onwards and upwards xx

SirBoobAlot Wed 27-Feb-13 23:25:45

Well done, you brave brave woman. I'm sure you're feeling a mix of emotions right now, but you did the right thing. Much love to you darling.

Be proud of yourself. xxx

cakesonatrain Thu 28-Feb-13 03:53:39

Wow. I've just read this whole thread at once, and I'm so impressed at how you dealt with him. All of that in one day is a lot to achieve.

Well done for getting rid and for starting the next chapter of your life - you will be a great mummy smile

Confused40 Thu 28-Feb-13 05:24:14

Woke up to use the bathroom and can't sleep....
Keep thinking and analysing what's happened. So so many emotions going through my head.
Spoke to 'friend' who I've known for 18 years, and whom I thought would support me. She said her partner thinks I'm a 'Jezebel'. What has she said to him? Wondered why she was keeping her distance? At least I know where her loyalties lie sad

I'm lying here with tears streaming down my face. Knowing I have to face tomorrow, well today. My emotions are fragile, even though I'm supposed to be feeling empowered.

This doesn't mean I'm going to get back with him, but I'm not afraid to admit I'm scared and feeling lonely. I'm also frightened with the thought of coping financially. We'd planned on moving in together and him supporting me. Yes, I know I can do it without him. It doesn't make it any less scary.

It seems I'm finding out who my friends are, and they seem to be falling by the wayside. Which means they weren't friends to start with and have just judged me. I know people can be judgemental. I'm guilty of it too, but I'd support a friend who had gone through what I've been through. I look back at the past year, and all I've been through. This is my new beginning, one day at a time is all I can manage right now.

I need to be brave, strong, and ultimately my baby will learn from that. I'm so scared........ sad

Emsyboo Thu 28-Feb-13 07:26:40

So sorry you've had a bad morning and sorry your friend and her partner have been so insensitive.
You don't know how information is translated and passed on or how it was said but doesn't sound good for her being a reliable friend who will support you at the moment.
You are being so brave and doing the right thing! Stay strong for your DC I was brought up by a single mother and my dad turned up at the door when I was 21 regretting not having a relationship with me. I feel I never lost out and gained a lot from having a strong role model.
I think you have been through so much and worry you are at risk for post natal depression (or ante natal depression) see if there is some support you have been in an abusive relationship there is support for that and this with the PTSD makes you vulnerable - although I personally think you are doing amazing!
I got a lot if help for PND after my first DC with CBT to get me off anti depressants. I am not perfect but I am a lot better and cope with things much better including getting myself out of destructive thought cycles and less likely to sabotage myself.
I hope you consider help for long term but short term I think you are doing really well x x

dreamingbohemian Thu 28-Feb-13 08:58:48

OP well done, you have done so brilliantly to get out of this relationship, and started accessing more support. You're doing so great!!! Of course you will have wobbles but the hardest bit is done. It sounds like you're really trying to focus on the baby and all the positive things, that's a good way to go forward.

Your friend is a jerk. Why on earth would she tell you that??? I mean, even if her partner said that, she didn't have to tell you.

IME women in abusive relationships often have friends who are sort of abusive too, they say nasty things and are just users at the end of the day.

As you say, you are learning who your real friends are. This might be a painful experience but in the end it will be great because you can get rid of all the nasty influences in your life and just keep the positive people.

I'm so, so glad you are getting counseling and hopefully a doula. I really think that will help so much.

Take it easy today, be nice to yourself, and try not to think too much about people who don't deserve your love and friendship.

Trazzletoes Thu 28-Feb-13 10:07:37

Confused you are doing so amazingly well. You have woken up this morning to a new start.

At least your friend and her DH have shown their true colours and you don't need to waste your energy on them anymore. Focus on the friendships that ARE worth something, and you will soon be making plenty more friends who are deserving of you.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 28-Feb-13 10:36:34

You are doing amazingly. Honestly, you are an inspiration.

Keep going. The first steps are always the toughest but you are doing so, so well.

ExhaustedMamasita Thu 28-Feb-13 11:38:29

Just read this thread and had to reply.

Confused40 – I feel so sorry for you going through such turmoil on your own. I just wanted to share my experience, which may help.

My Mother got pregnant in her mid-20s, in a stringently Catholic country where single mothers were treated like second class citizens. Her partner, who she “thought” she loved was mentally abusive, domineering and quite frankly a complete arsehole. He begged her to terminate the baby but upon hearing the baby’s heartbeat, she refused, split up from the dkhead and decided to have her baby on her own. She cried everyday during the entire pregnancy. Due to her predicament, her family disowned her so she left and moved to a neighbouring country to see out the growth of her bump on her own. Living in basic accommodation and working in the most menial jobs just to earn some cash, she struggled to feed herself and her baby but at least she was far far away from the dkhead and her disapproving community. Anyway, she had her baby who turned out to be a very healthy, happy bundle of joy and her best friend in the whole world. I am that baby. In my opinion she was and is the strongest, most admirable woman I know. She was my Mother, my Father and my friend all rolled into one. After seven years of rebuilding her confidence and enjoying Motherhood she met the man of her dreams (a star), who was more than willing to take on a Mother with a child and so she lived happily ever after. The best thing she did was leave that dkhead who coincidently I’ve met once and had no connection with whatsoever. My step Father is my real Dad who I admire and love dearly, his signature being “if you don’t love yourself, no-one can love you.”

My advice to you is to dig deep down in your heart and seriously consider whether this relationship is right for you in the long term. Are you happy? An abuser won’t change his spots overnight and by the sounds of it he’s not even trying. We’re lucky we live in a country where support is available for those who need it. You don’t need him to make you feel good about yourself, that can only come from within. You still sound sore from your previous traumas and that’s perfectly natural. Just give it time and you’ll start to feel better about life and yourself in general. Have your baby, shower them with love and adoration and I can guarantee it will come back to you a million times over. You’re a strong, caring, wonderful woman who has a beautiful baby growing inside you. He/she needs you happy so they can be happy too. And by the way children living on a budget make them less demanding and more appreciative of things later on in life – it’s not a bad thing in the slightest. Start believing in yourself and everything else will roll into place. Huge hugs! X

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