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Pg and not fiancee's

(135 Posts)
Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 07:41:59

Firstly, please don't judge me. I feel bad enough!

I am pregnant and its not my fiancees, although he is aware, and taking on the baby as his own.We broke up a couple of months before I fell pregnant. I stupidly slept with a close male friend. Close male friend totally disowned me, saying to get an abortion etc. He has said he wants nothing to do with me or baby and never wants to see me again.

Fiancee was devastated when we broke up and we got back together. I then found out I was pregnant, and realised it wasn't and couldn't be his child. I discussed this with him, and although upset, he understood I couldn't terminate. I explained that I would understand if he didn't want to continue with the relationship. But, he has been amazing. We've had a few times of insecurity, on his, and my part, but after openly discussing, decided to continue with the r/s and pregnancy.

I feel nervous and wonder if fiancee is really ok with pregnancy. He has children from a previous r/s but hasn't told them anything. He said he's told his mother, but no-one else.

I'm wondering how he will be when baby is born, even though he says he will put his name on birth certificate and call child his own. Is this even legal?

I'm happy to be pregnant, but, I've had an extremely traumatic past year or so. Won't go into details, but had to leave work due to severe trauma which developed into PTSD. This still affects me now, and I have episodes of severe sadness and regret. I did have counselling, and have since periodically spoken to samaritans, who say I underwent a severe and multiple trauma and need to be a bit easier on myself.

Feeling very tearful this morning, and really don't want to be judged. I feel bad enough as it is. sad

MajaBiene Tue 26-Feb-13 11:02:30

Love, get out of this relationship - you don't need to tie yourself to a sexually abusive men, especially as (fortunately!) he isn't the baby's father.

Definitely don't put him on the birth certificate - this way you and the baby are free of him.

Lots of women raise babies on their own. You can do it. Enjoy your pregnancy and your beautiful baby without this poor excuse for a man in your lives.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:03:01

I do have low self esteem. I try so hard to be positive and have achieved so much in life. I'm kidding myself that he will change. I didn't want to leave my job, and I will be going onto maternity allowance soon, so no more going to the job centre to sign on. Again, please don't judge me, but, its sooo humiliating.

I feel totally and utterly devastated. I thought this man really did love me as he says, but he is confused as the what love is seemingly.

I worry how friends and family will judge me, as I have harped on about how wonderful and supportive he is.....

BraveLilBear Tue 26-Feb-13 11:13:35

Oh my confused my heart goes out to you. You're stuck in an abusive cycle. He is abusing you, he then 'apologises' blaming you for it 'I thought you were giving me a signal' and you accept that, but then he does it again.

He will not change. He needs serious psychological help. You need to be brave and make a fresh start with your baby. I know how tough this is, I have experienced a similar relationship when I was younger. He destroyed my already low self-esteem, a self-esteem it has taken me years to repair and build back up.

I know hard it is to invoke change when your self-esteem is low, so do it for your baby. Your baby needs a happy and healthy mummy. You will not be happy with this man because the cycle will never end and he simply cannot be trusted.

Find the strength and act now - it will be better and easier for you to do so now than after your baby comes.

As for the other things you've been through, have you got maternity mental health services in your area? I would really push for a referral if you haven't already had one - they are there specificially to help pregnant and new-mums adjust, especially when there's been a lot going on.

Wishing you love and luck.

dreamingbohemian Tue 26-Feb-13 11:15:59

You can't let other people run your life. You can't make such important decisions based on other people's judgment, you need to do what's best for you.

You can just say, 'Yes, in many ways he was supportive, but we had other problems that were really quite serious and it became obvious he would never change.' If people judge you for that -- well, let them go to bed with him and wake up to his abuse.

Don't worry about other people. You take whatever benefits you need, they are there to help people in rough times. Take the support you need right now and someday you will feel a lot better and be able to work and everything will be back to normal. But just take it one day at a time right now. Be kind to yourself.

BraveLilBear Tue 26-Feb-13 11:16:23

X-post - don't wory about your friends and family judging you - you tell them the truth, or you tell them it's not right for you and the baby. It doesn't matter.

Then you tell them that you want and need them to support you and they will.

You've been through so much, but a fresh start is within your reach. Be brave. Remember no-one can make you feel inferior except for yourself - show them and you how strong you can be.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 11:16:37

Your family will be happy for you if you can bear to share the truth with them and move on, with their support. They want you to be happy, and you will be again I'm sure x

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 26-Feb-13 11:17:47

<<HUG>> What a bloody awful year (or more) you have had sad

No facade of a 'wonderful life' is worth this. People will judge no matter what you do (what any of us does - it's human nature).

You have said so yourself - your df is sexually abusing you. Get rid. YOU deserve better and your baby deserves better.

It wont be easy on your own, but it will be easier than dealing with a bloke who acts like a child and sexually abuses you. After you have had the baby you are less likely to be 'up for sex' and he will just keep abusing you and god alone knows how far he would take that (or how far he has already?!).

You will cope on your own, people will surpise you - some you thought would be supportive wont and some you thought wouldn't will - it's life.

Don't stay with this man who is abusing you - he offers you nothing but grief - get out while you can.

If it was me, I'd say I didn't know who the father was and I would only put myself on the birth certificate. Then neither of these dead beats have any control over you or your baby and the father can only get some PR if he goes to court - which he wont. Clearly.

Build a new life for you and your baby away from both of these 'men'.

lougle Tue 26-Feb-13 11:18:50

You'll find it a whole lot harder to leave if you're married than if you break it off now.

How can you possibly continue a relationship with a man who thinks you are his property to access whenever he has the urge?

Of course he can control it. He chooses not to. He has the option to ask you for consent, but he decides to just help himself to your body.

The paternity of your baby is the least of your worries and I think you know that sad

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 26-Feb-13 11:20:50

Just tell your family and friends that he wasn't as he appeared to be and that you are well rid of him. If you don't want to tell them why he's such a bastard (I think you should btw) then just say to them that you don't want to discuss the details, but that he was a bad egg and you are well rid... and if they want to support you, they just need to accept that.

dreamingbohemian Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:33

It's also possible that your friends and family already have not so good feelings about your fiance, and just haven't told you.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:44:30

Oh my.......
Yes I know what I have to do, and I'm scared of doing this on my own.

Who will I accompany me when I go into labour. Family live miles away, as do a lot of my close friends.

I really don't want to do this on my own.....

Yes, I know I will leave this man, and for good, and no going back, no matter how much he tries to tell me he loves me.

Idratherbeknitting Tue 26-Feb-13 11:55:17

My heart goes out to you.

I think from your last few posts that you know what you need to and will do. Listen to these wise Mnetters who know who to contact for help.

As others have said, you'll be judged either way. And it wasn't until I split up with ExP that they all told me how they felt about him, and I got a lot of support.

I was just going to post about the birth certificate thing, but you can do it all by yourself. I split with awful ExP when just pregnant with our DD3, and he is not on her birth certificate. That's something I will explain to her when she is older.

My Dad drove me to the hospital, I went in on my own, and simply told the MW that I was on my own. I had my baby with just one MW (well, I had her as she wheeled me into a delivery room), and I cut the cord myself. I walked out of the hospital the next day, moved house two days later, and, almost five years on have never looked back.

The very best of luck to you, after what sound like an awful time; have your baby as your new start, I truly hope it all goes well for you. I viewed my baby as my reward for getting through, and getting free of him.

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Tue 26-Feb-13 11:58:19

If you're struggling to do it for yourself, then leave him for your child. Do you want your son or daughter to be exposed to this? He is abusing you and have got to get him out of your life. Be brave. You'll look back and wonder why it took you so long.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:01:51

My mind is racing......

What will I tell the baby when it grows up and ask questions about its father? Oh sorry my lovely, he didn't want you. Or the old cliche, Mummy lives in her house and Daddy lives in his house.

I know some might be thinking I'm blowing this out of proportion, but these things are all going round in my head.

I love this baby so much, even though its still inside me. I don't want to hurt or traumatise it. I know who both my parents are. How will the baby feel knowing its father didn't want it. Obviously I'll do everything to protect the baby from any trauma, but I can't lie forever....

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Tue 26-Feb-13 12:04:31

Don't lie. Just say you don't have a daddy but you have an extra special mummy. When older, explain that daddy didn't feel he could make you happy so isn't involved, or something similar. That is not a good reason to stay with this man.

SirBoobAlot Tue 26-Feb-13 12:19:46

Please please get out of this relationship. This man is sexually assulting you when you are asleep, and darling, if he is willing to do that after you've broken off the relationship, and are now pregnant, he will never stop, it will only ever get worse.

I know you're worried about people judging you, everyone is. Please don't let hold you back. Do what is best for you and your baby, and that is to leave this arsehole.

For what it is worth, I've been a single mum since my son can remember. He's not traumatized. He's happy. He knows he lives with mummy, and that we have lots of fun together. We've even talked about seperation, because he asked me why some mummies and daddies live together, and his don't. The answer was very simple; all families are different. Some live together, and some live apart. Just like Grandma / Uncle X / whoever live somewhere else, some daddies do as well. Doesn't change the fact that we all love you very much.

You are thinking far too in advance right now, when the currently set up is the one you need to be focusing on. This is not a healthy relationship for you, or for your child to come into.

I'm on benefits, it's tight, but I manage.

If you get on with your family, move back closer to them for a while maybe, get away from this prick whilst you sort your thoughts out. Once the baby arrives you will be eligible for housing benefit, and you will manage to set up a home with your baby. You say you were with this guy for security, but look at the way he has treated you. That's not secure. It's not safe. And it's not a happy world.

Much love to you.

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:21:01

It will be hard at first, but once you are away from him you will see him for what he is and take stock. He is an abusive partner - there is no denying it. You must think about your health and well being and if you can't bring yourself to do that for yourself just yet do it for the baby. It's growing inside you and he is a major threat to yours and your baby's health at the moment. X

lougle Tue 26-Feb-13 12:22:33

What will I tell the baby when it grows up and ask questions about its father?"

What will you tell your daughter when she tells you that her boyfriend tried to have sex with her when she's asleep?

Will you say 'it's alright love, that's normal?' or will you say 'that's not acceptable, you have to stop this now.'?

How can you say 'it's wrong if you've shown her it's ok by staying?

Equally, how can you expect your son to show girls respect if he grows up with the example of a man who thinks it's ok to 'take' sex?

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:23:33

And trust me when I say that your baby won't care about knowing his or her father if he treats people that way - and I am speaking from experience. My father is not a nice man and I don't want anything to do with him.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 12:36:10

Staying with a bad guy to try to cover up the fact that your child's biological father isn't interested is most certainly not the answer! That is a separate issue. You tell your child that unfortunately his dad didn't feel he could be a dad and that he felt it would be better if he wasn't involved. You decided that you wanted to be mummy on your own and that you love your child unconditionally, and you wanted their life to be as wonderful as possible. Daddy didn't think life would be as good if he were around so he lives somewhere else, and that happens in lots of families.

You don't have to lie... One day your kid will ask and you tell them. Better to know the truth than to live under a lie that who he thought was daddy isn't, and on top of that he's an arse who makes mummy unhappy.

Go home to your parents and say you need help. I once had to tell my parents I was assaulted and it was so so hard cos I bizarrely felt I'd let them down. As it was my mum had been through a similar thing! Of course my dad wanted to flatten his face... But it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I did it with a letter. Just go home and get a hug xx

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 12:37:56

And anyway, some day your kid might be lucky enough to get an amazing step dad that he/she thinks is wonderful! Lots of people take their mums/sister/best friend to their delivery too xx

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:50:20

Going home isn't an option I'm afraid! I have an independent life away from family for a reason. To escape abuse......

How ironic that I end up with an abusive man. I thought I was doing everything right by being this strong independent woman who had it all. Now look at me?

aufaniae Tue 26-Feb-13 13:26:57

"What will I tell the baby when it grows up and ask questions about its father?"

I don't know but you will work it out and it will be OK. FWIW my grandfather never knew who his father was, his mum never told him, and this was in very different times when it was scandalous to be born out of wedlock (not so now thank goodness!). He lived a very successful, full and happy life, it didn't hold him back in any way AFAIK!

Please don't stay in a relationship with an abuser, this will make you die inside and it's not a great recipe for being the best mother you can be to your baby.

This man does not deserve your time or your love. Your baby does. You need to get both of you away from him.

aufaniae Tue 26-Feb-13 13:34:17

"Who will I accompany me when I go into labour."

Is there a friend you could ask / would feel comfortable having support you?

Alternatively, you could look into getting a Doula to support you. It might be possible to hire the services of a Doula very cheaply if you are on a low income (and I would imagine especially if you're going it alone).

Info on what Doulas do here

Details on the Doula Access Fund here

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:48

Sorry you can't go home. You can do well again! Find a friend, or go to a women's refuge and ask for advice. There's lots you can do - they aren't easy things but your responsibility goes past that now and to that bean that you love so much even though its inside and you've never seen it but its YOUR wriggly bean and it needs you to be brave and leave... And go to someone you trust, whoever it might be (friend, sibling, doctor) x

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