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Pregnancy

Partner not want baby.

6 replies

Fofo5 · 15/02/2013 21:57

Hi, I found out over a week ago that I was pregnant. I have a 6 year old son and have wanted another child for a while. My partner, who i have been with for 9 years, is a brilliant father and we have a great little family unit.

I told me partner that I was pregnant and it was as if I had told him about our shopping list, he just looked at me and made no comment! I thought I would give him a couple of days to absorb the news and not go on about it as he can shut himself off if he doesn't want to speak about something and I just get frustrated at him, so thought I would avoid that for a change.

He never asked how I was feeling or commented on the news so after a week I spoke to him and asked his feelings and asked him to be truthful as I felt he was not happy. He was truthful and told me he did not want anymore children and that I knew this. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and had no idea he felt so strongly, he has always said he was happy with what we had but I thought that was him just being content, not that this was all he wanted, period.

I am in such a predicament, I want this baby, he doesn't. I don't want to loose him but I don't want either of us resenting each other in the future. I am unable to talk to anyone about this, especially my mother as it will be too awkward.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if there is any advice for me.

I think I have cried everyday for a week.

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BelleEtLaBaby · 15/02/2013 22:22

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry that you are going through this: but please don't forget (or let your dp forget) you did not make a baby on your own. He put the baby in you and so please do not allow him to behave as if this is something you have done: it's all very well saying he didn't want any more kids and you knew that - I'm assuming you didn't get pregnant on purpose, or have sex with him without his knowledge or consent. He got you pregnant and should start acting like part of a couple. I'm sorry: but I get all grr when men act like pregnancy is something women did to them.

I'm so sorry he's being like this. How do you feel about having another baby - completely aside from his opinion?

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Fofo5 · 16/02/2013 22:23

Hi, I want this baby but I am scared that I will push him away or make a decision that I will regret. I know relationships are difficult at times but I didn't think that we would ever be like this.

It is as if we are in complete denial about the pregnancy. I don't talk about it, hoping that he will come round. I have made an appointment with my gp to start the antenatal care, but haven't told my other half yet.

I am so upset and confused by it all. Was going to speak to my mother about it today but couldn't bring myself to she was never maternal and sees everything in black and white, if I was to get upset she would just fob me off!!

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phoenixrose314 · 17/02/2013 08:09

You need to talk to your partner about it. At the end of the day it takes two to make a baby, he's got to face facts because even if his preference is for you to have a termination, he shouldn't be expecting you to go through something as traumatic as that all alone. If he is your partner, he needs to start acting like it.

Equally though, you need to stop avoiding confrontation and talk to him, your mum, and probably a sensible headed best friend. You need real life people for real life support because its hard for people like me to give you any real advice because I don't know your whole situation. You need to let your partner know your feelings immediately - lack of communication is the number one killer of all relationships, don't let it get to yours xx

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Fofo5 · 17/02/2013 11:16

Thank you phoenixrose, you have hit the nail on the head, communication! As hard is it is going to be I am going to have to face this head on with my partner and after a long walk and think today, I think today is the day.

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Eletheomel · 17/02/2013 11:31

Didn't want to read and run Fofo, so just want to say good luck with your conversation today, I'm really sorry you're in this position but hopefully you'll see things clearer once you and your OH have a proper heart to heart about it.

All I would say is to seriously consider how much you want this baby, and to make sure if you decide to have a termination it's because it's something that you want, not something that he wants, because if you go along with it just for him, you'll never forgive him and your relationship will stand very little chance of recovering.

I've had some close family members who've had terminations and while they've never regretted the decision in terms of what was right for them at the time, the guilt and the 'wonder what they would look like now' never goes away (and they know they made the right decision) so just think really carefully about what you want, you can't have a termination to make someone happy or to maintain a relationship, you need to be sure (after all the conversations are done) that the decision you make about this baby is one that you want to make (and that you can live with).

Good luck, you'll be in my thoughts.