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To find out or not find out?

(36 Posts)
Fairy130389 Mon 28-Jan-13 13:03:40

I have my 20 week scan tomorrow...
I have always been clear that I didn't want to find out the gender of the baby, until about a month ago when I suddenly decided that I HAD to know!!!!
I have a 7 year old DSD living here too so thought it would help her bond with new baby knowing what it is, plus it will help with the planning, plus I'm impatient! haha!
What are recommendations about finding out or not? Will I regret opening my present early? Should I just wait?? I don't want to regret ruining the surprise!

TwitchyTail Mon 28-Jan-13 13:19:14

It's totally personal. I found out because I just had to know - but then I hate surprises of any sort and knew I would regret it if I didn't. I'm glad as it's allowed me to get used to the idea, call the baby "him" instead of "it" (or the tedious "he or she") and also to buy clothes etc in gender stereotyped colours rather than boring neutrals grin I don't feel it's taken away any of the excitement - it's still going to be a brand new person I've never met before!

Among my friends, the "planners" and organised people all found out beforehand, while the "spontaneous" people who love surprise parties/presents all waited. Everyone was happy with their decision.

Find out because you really want to, rather than for any other reason.

curiousgeorgie Mon 28-Jan-13 13:21:40

My thoughts are, the day you have a baby is already a pretty great day smile why is the extra surprise required?

I was told at a 16 week scan with my DD and I cried my eyes out, I was so happy. It is a day equal in happiness and memories as my wedding day or the day DD was born.

My SIL didn't find out, was determined to have the surprise at birth but she was put under general for an EMCS, her DH told everyone it was a boy while she was still under, and her 'finding out' was completely disorientating and she still cries about it now.

Also, she'd been convinced she was having a girl, she was so sick, a sonographer once said 'her' instead of 'the baby' and had she found out at 20 weeks she would have had more time to get used to one sex or the other.

I actually think it gives the baby much more of an identity and helps everyone bond with them.


themindwonders Mon 28-Jan-13 13:26:46

agree it totally personal - i found out with all of mine, mainly cos i am so nosy and couldnt possibly wait and with ds2 and ds3 i found out cos my ds1 has ASD and needed time to bond (he wanted a girl with ds2 so had 20 weeks to get over his 'disappointment')
plus i havent had to argue over girls names with my dh lol

Bluemonkeyspots Mon 28-Jan-13 13:31:06

I found out with two off mine and never found out with the other two (still pg with dc4)

For me the not finding out was far better, obviously it never took anything away from the births where i did know and if this was my only experience I would say go for it and find out but i think it added something even extra to the birth I did not know.

I'm so excited about dc4 being born and one of the things I'm looking forward to the most is dh saying "it's a.........."

ZolaPowered Mon 28-Jan-13 13:48:29

Well, I'm a planner and didn't find out with DS1 or DC2 due at end of Feb. It was very tempting but each time I left the 20 week scan glad that we hadn't found out. We still get a lot of enjoyment out of wondering whether DC2 is a boy or a girl.

It's a totally personal choice though like everyone has said. Personally I like newborns in neutrals and has made it easier with DC2 as most of our 0-3 months stuff (clothes, blankets, moses basket etc) is neutral apart from a few clothes we were bought as presents. I can totally see why people want to find out though - I can't wait to find out now!

HavingALittleFaithBaby Mon 28-Jan-13 14:13:34

DH also hates surprises so we tried to find out. Little monkey had its legs in the air so we can't be certain!!! I liked the idea of knowing so I could stop calling bump 'it' and refer to it by sex but to be fair if he hadn't been so keen, I wouldn't have found out. Totally up to you...

mumbaisapphire Mon 28-Jan-13 14:21:43

I'm someone who usually can't wait to find out stuff. As a kid I would raid my parents wardrobes to see if I could find out my Xmas presents. I love the fact that not finding out really doesn't require much of my willpower. I announced at the 20 week scan we did t want to know And it was that simple. I like the fact we can pick a name for a girl and a boy. Buying neutrals doesn't bother me in the slightest. I also love the fact that it means everyone including us still gets to play the guessing game. I remember when my niece was born. We all knew she was a girl and also her full name several months ahead of her arrival. For me that felt strange. We are still bonding perfectly well with bump. In fact we call it he and she is equal measure. I'm enjoying not knowing.

OhIWishThereWasABook Mon 28-Jan-13 14:25:43

I loved not knowing, it's so exciting for all the reasons Mumbai said, plus when you send THE text to everyone, the only surprise seems to be the weight if everyone knows already.
That doesn't seem so interesting.

mumbaisapphire Mon 28-Jan-13 14:30:14

Agreed - I'm so looking forward to sending THAT text. Everyone who has spent months wondering is it a boy or girl will finally find out. When everyone knows the sex and even the name I feel like it's less of an announcement more just a confirmation if that makes sense.

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 28-Jan-13 14:36:48

I wanted a surprise and we weren't going unto find out but changed minds at the last minute now I'm so glad I did its been so much fun shopping for little one and getting organised. Havent regretted the decision at all

shelley72 Mon 28-Jan-13 14:42:26

Its definitely personal preference. i am also organised, and a planner but i didnt want to know with either of my two. and i never had any trouble bonding with either bump despite not knowing what sex they were. I found out when they were handed to me smile.

Strangely enough, I am pg with DC3 now and a little bit of me does want to know - though i think is just so i know which set of baby stuff to pack up for the NCT sale! DH doesnt want to find out, and i have terribly un-cooperative babies anyway so it will remain a secret for now.

about sending THAT text - just remember to mention in the text what the baby actually is. i forgot the first time round - i was so excited that the baby was here - and had loads of texts back saying thats lovely but is it a boy or girl?!

Missingthemincepies Mon 28-Jan-13 15:12:43

No right or wrong with this one. I found out with DS and know I'm having a girl this time. Would have been delighted with either, just feel closer to the baby knowing it is a he or she. Has also been good for my DS to know he has a sister coming.
One idea, if you're in 2 minds, is to ask the sonographer to write it don rather than tell you. That way you can choose to know at any point, or you, DP and dsd could all sit own and find out together - am sure she'd love that.
Good luck

Olimoss Mon 28-Jan-13 15:21:48

I am not sure how it is less of a surprise at 20 weeks than it will be at term, and as other posters have said, the actual birth-day will be full of other surprises and overwhelming feelings.

My friend didn't find out with her first, and did with her second, and said she never regretted either approach for either. She does say, however, that it was just wonderful to be able to refer to her daughter as 'her' and agree a name and all that stuff for 20 weeks, before she arrived.

It's very personal - I can't imagine not knowing if the information is made available!

Olimoss Mon 28-Jan-13 15:25:15

I should add that I don't understand the preoccupation with 'surprises' around babies, gender and names at all.....partner and I are very open with sharing all the info with friends and family. It's OUR baby, and the thrill of new, healthy baby being born is in no way diminished (or increased) by having some of the information around gender and name already.

The caveat to that is that it's totally my opinion and experience, so just go with what YOU want, not what you think other people will want or enjoy.

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 28-Jan-13 15:32:34

We had lots and lots of IVF.

Absolutely everyone knew everything about our baby except for one thing.

His sex was an unknown to me, DH and everyone else.

I can't speak for everyone else, but because of our circumstances we just had to keep one element of the baby's being a mystery.

nickelbabe Mon 28-Jan-13 15:35:10

It is a very personal choice smile

I didn't find out for a few reasons:
1: because I couldn't understand what else the MWs would say when the baby comes out: "it's a girl/boy" is the standard first comment, surely!
2: because I could wait (unlike my big sis who would die completely if she couldn't find out)
3: because I knew that as soon as they knew the "flavour", every single person in my family, DH's family and all friends would start buying stuff that they believed to be the correct colour/style for that flavour. I did not (and still don't) want anyone to gender-stereotype my child.

StuckOnARollercoaster Mon 28-Jan-13 15:37:47

I had my 20 week scan last week and didn't find out. I'm a complete control freak and planner - have lists for everything but this is one thing that doesn't seem to bother me.
Lots of reasons I think for me - I don't want everyone buying bits and pieces because of gender and get inundated with just pink or blue - lots of colours are nice like yellow, red, green, purple, neutrals in addition to pinks and blues.
Also I know my family/friends and they are already trying to persuade me that they have the perfect name for us to use and I think it would be 10 times worse if they knew the sex.
I'm not massively rooting for 1 sex or the other (its my first) and in my ideal world I think I would like 1 of each, so perhaps this may feel different if we do go for a 2nd...
And I probably didn't consciously think it - but maybe I do for once want the attention of an announcement. We're not making a big deal of announcing the pregnancy - only if it comes up in conversation, so it would be nice to tell the world all the details, because its probably going to be a big surprise for the more distant family and friend groups!

Dogsmom Mon 28-Jan-13 16:04:27

We both really wanted to find out had a private gender scan at 16 weeks, it's very hard to describe but as soon as they announced her gender I felt differently, more bonded, as if she was suddenly my daughter and real.
It wasn't something I expected to feel but a great feeling nonetheless.

She is due in just over 5 weeks and has a name and nursery full of things for her.

I did want to buy gender specific things though, before we knew I bought a neutral bouncer and a little beige outfit and now wish I'd waited, I'm self employed and maternity allowance is rubbish so knew money would be tight once she was here and have really enjoyed shopping for her while money isn't an issue.

My friend didn't find out and was so out of it after giving birth she didn't hear what sex her baby was and it was about half an hour before it registered and she was disappointed it hadn't been the big event she'd imagined, she had also planned lovely shopping trips with her husband and newborn but her recovery was slow and in the end she ordered things online and again feels like she missed out on the excitement of gathering things for her son.

Fairy130389 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:56:02

Thanks ladies - you are right, definitely a personal choice - I think I was sure anyway really, we will find out, but just nice to talk to other and see what the experiences were!! EEP!!!!!!! This time tomorrow we'll know!!! (I bet the little monkey has its legs crossed now, just to take the decision out of my hands!!!)

mrsnobby Mon 28-Jan-13 22:18:04

We didn't find out with our first- loved my DH being able to tell me that we had a perfect little boy.
This pregnancy is IVF with quite a few early pregnancy worries and tbh I was sort of in denial about the fact I was pregnant til 20 wk scan having had 3 MC's in between.
I suddenly panicked that I wasn't going to bond with my baby because I hadn't felt much excitement during the pregnancy, I had just prepared myself for the worst - so for that reason we found out (I wanted to even tho DH didn't really)
BUT we have pretended we didn't to everyone else. I love having our little secret and am so excited about telling all of our friends and relatives, especially my Mum, when her grand daughter arrives.

Kelerina Mon 28-Jan-13 22:26:28

So exciting! I'm 35 weeks now and we found out that we are expecting a boy at 20 week scan and I can honestly say I haven't regretted that decision for a single second! I love referring to him as my son smile

rainand Mon 28-Jan-13 22:39:42

I found out and I wouldn't have it any other way! I love knowing and also it makes shopping much more fun! wink

Fairy130389 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:23:23

Well, incase any of you are interested... IT'S A BOY!!!!!! :D

curiousgeorgie Tue 29-Jan-13 21:17:11


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