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Posting in wrong forums. Am i being insensitive?

(63 Posts)
NoVictim1 Fri 25-Jan-13 23:54:49

Im pregnant and I come in here to share stories with other pregnant women. However, i find alot of the posts are about miscarriages or babies dying. There are correct areas such as the miscarriage forum where i expect you would get the best support.
I have found it hard coming in here without the fear of god being put into me and making me more paranoid than I need to be.
Im very sorry for anyone who has lost a baby. I myself have lost two so i know how it feels. I just wish people would put things in the appropriate place

Sorry if i have offended anyone but im sure im not alone.

VickyU Sat 26-Jan-13 18:35:53

OP. You are the one posting in the wrong forum. Go away and post somewhere else. As you can see, you are not welcome here.

chocolateicecream Sat 26-Jan-13 18:48:21

Do you mean posts like this one Novictim1?!!

Looking at the pregnancy loss threads on here it is evident that people are getting a lot of support during very difficult times. Loss is very personal and it is good that women have somewhere where they feel that they can share their loss.

I have read quite a few of the threads myself and it surfaces anxieties and feelings that I have hidden inside. I have had a horrible pregnancy history. It has helped me to deal with my feelings so I can say that these posts are actually helpful even though some may find them a little difficult. Perhaps you have not been able to deal fully with your own losses. I hope that this pregnancy goes well for you.

chocolateicecream Sat 26-Jan-13 18:49:07

opps, link helps!

Posted on pregnancy forum.

SunshineOutdoors Sat 26-Jan-13 19:05:16

I think pregnancy is the right topic for people to get support and advice about pregnancy loss. It is a horrible experience for anybody and I don't think anybody should feel they have to hide away and talk about it somewhere private for fear of upsetting other pregnant people.... I do think it is quite insensitive and not really appreciating how upsetting suffering a miscarriage must be. Please don't grieve or talk about it around me seems a harsh attitude to take.

I understand it is scary and you don't want to think about the fact it could happen to you but avoiding or attempting to avoid all exposure to it will not change anything and would probably make it even more scary.

Also if someone has been discussing their pregnancy on this board then it is only natural this is where they'd turn to if something went wrong.

RubyrooUK Sat 26-Jan-13 19:16:58

Agree with everyone else here OP. If you come to a pregnancy forum, you'll hear about pregnancy.

For some people that will be getting excited and nervous together. Perhaps joking about how gross it is when your belly button pops out. For others, it will be looking for support with awful morning sickness. Others will post about the weird quirks of pregnancy - 5am cramps anyone? A few people will also post about their worries and concerns about their pregnancies that eventually do end up in miscarriage or loss.

Wanting the people for whom pregnancy does take a terrible turn to stop posting so you aren't confronted by real life in the pregnancy forum is insensitive.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt though and think that having lost pregnancies yourself, perhaps you find it hard to read anything like that as you're already nervous about things and don't want reminding?

There are plenty of happy pregnancy threads on MN though so maybe stick to those and avoid any that upset you.

Eletheomel Sat 26-Jan-13 19:19:17

OP, given your own losses, I can understand why you'd rather not be reminded of how (sadly) often a miscarriage can occur and why you might like to just see happier ongoing pregnant posts so you can focus on the positive.

Having suffered 1 m/c, I know I don't like seeing other posts about miscarriage (as it reminds me how risky pregnancy is and it makes my own pregnancy seem really fragile) however I think it is entirely appropriate for the posts about m/c to be posted here. As other posters have said, some women are in early stages of pregnancy, may never have been pregnant before and I think it is only right that they can ask other pregnant women for advice/support.

And in the cases of women who lose their babies after 12 weeks, by that point they may well have made 'virtual' friends of other posters and it's only natural they seek to rely on that support network to help them through.

I wouldn't say you're being insensitive per se, I think you're maybe just trying to protect yourself from the emotions of it all.

My solution is to not read any miscarriage posts (as its still painful for me and I know I couldn't offer any meaningful support) but I would never question their right to post in this forum, before perhaps, going to another forum if they choose to.

TinkyPeet Sat 26-Jan-13 20:42:50

Hmm, the OP seems to have no opinion anymore.......

SchroSawMargeryDaw Sat 26-Jan-13 20:59:45

What a horrible thread. Why would anyone even look at a thread about miscarriage and be so insensitive to think that they shouldn't have posted where they have! Especially if they went through it themselves.

milkyjo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:29:44

Chocolateicecream has used her detective skills well! Perhaps the OP should think before posting as only a couple of months ago she started a thread in pregnancy about her MCs.

PickledInAPearTree Sat 26-Jan-13 21:43:34

I think some posts such as this are better not being posted at all.

Yes very insensitive. You don't need to trawl through a thread if it might upset you!

beckie90 Sat 26-Jan-13 22:03:36

The post Today said she lost 2...the other one that chocolate brought up says 3 hmm maybe typo error....

I myself think its very insensative, people come on here just for support and advice, and many of the terrible losses posts simply start of with a question...that tragically leads to something so sad, why should they post elsewere simply for the fear of upsetting someone else, pregnancy is a worrying time and you see worrying storys all the time that cannot be helped, my mother had a stillborn at 7 months, as did my aunty, if anything when I was pregnant it made me more aware, I didn't tell my aunty who had recently lost him not long before I fell preg to shut up and go talk to someone who wasn't pregnant cause it worried me. When you come on a forum like this your going to see posts related to pregnancy (mc is related to pregnancy) if you see a title that upsets you simply don't read it.

I wish you all the very best in your pregnancy

Reebok Sun 27-Jan-13 09:14:34

Wow I'm shocked at this post. I've suffered from a mmc and am currently pregnant now. When I mc, I had no support and wish I had found this forum at the time!! I don't feel that the women who have posted in this forum are in the wrong! If anything, they've definately come to the right place because they will get support from people who have experienced what they have...AND it will help them hope that like me, they will go on to get pregnant again. To think that they have no right to post in this forum is so insensitive! I'm shocked!

goodbyekitty123 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:49:20

I am actually shocked that this post seems to have turned into a bit of a witch hunt. I understand this is a very sensitive and emotive topic however some of the posts seem to be getting a bit nasty now. I have alerted mumsnet about this and hopefully this thread will soon be removed.

I don't think the OP meant to offend. Obviously her post was a bit insensitive and has ruffled a few feathers however maybe she just wasn't able to articulate herself properly. I think everyone gets the message that the general consensus is that they disagree with her however I don't think this requires any more posts as this thread has become rather unpleasant.

I hope other mumsnetters reading this agree and put this topic to rest now as I really think there is no more that can be said on the subject.

Mawgatron Sun 27-Jan-13 09:51:40

I think a lot of people are being quite mean to op. I can understand her point, and I can also understand what the later posters are saying, but I think some of the responses have been a little harsh. Op did say she had suffered from 2 mc's in the past! It is a little insensitive, but people shouldn't be so mean to her! This is supposed to be a supportive place!

trustissues75 Sun 27-Jan-13 10:09:25

I can, in a way, see your point OP - but what do you suggest? To suffer a pregnancy loss means that one has to have been pregnant. Where does a pregnant woman post and make friends? On the pregnancy forum. Do you think maybe the person's friends would wonder where they'd suddenly disappeared to? What option does the poor woman have to inform her friends and ask for support? Does she have to individually message each and every one of them? how tiring, and traumatic to go over the whole story more times than her already spinning mind will be doing? Surely, having been through this, you can find some empathy somewhere? Or does the world revolve completely around you? That may sound harsh, and I don't wish to be, but I think you need a bit of a reality check.

I really hope this pregnancy goes well for you, and if it doesn't, I hope you find the support you need to move forward.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 27-Jan-13 10:10:45

Yes some posters have been a bit mean but her post was so incredible insensitive that's it has done more than ruffle feathers. It has genuinely upset lots of people.
I think it's possibly the most insensitive post I've ever read on MN around pregnancy and miscarriage sad

MrsWolowitzerables Sun 27-Jan-13 10:16:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 27-Jan-13 10:18:00

May I just say I agree with everyone. Should OPs who have lost DCs only post on bereavement boards?

MrsWolowitzerables Sun 27-Jan-13 10:18:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BumpingFuglies Sun 27-Jan-13 10:24:47

OP I do not wish to be unkind to you but this was a bad idea. Simply don't read any threads that upset you.

goodbyekitty123 Sun 27-Jan-13 10:27:21

Like I said I understand that this is a very emotive issue however everyone just seems to be saying the same thing and now it just seems a bit like playground bully tactics. A lot of the posts seem to be quite factual in their disagreement with the OP however there a few that just seem to be enjoying the drama and are using it as an excuse to be nasty.

I think people seem to have forgotten that there is a real person at the other end of the computer and I just think that everything has been said on this topic that can be said so now can we put this to rest now.

RubyrooUK Sun 27-Jan-13 12:06:58

I didn't read the thread as people trying to be particularly mean though Kitty. The OP asked if she was being insensitive and people mainly said yes, this is very hurtful as a view.

It is a very emotive topic, and I presume this is why the OP wanted to check if her view was reasonable or insensitive. Because she felt a certain way and wanted to know if others agreed or they would be shocked.

Some people like me also suggested maybe she is upset at her own losses and wants to avoid reading more about them which is completely understandable and while her view was insensitive, I wouldn't suggest for a minute she was a bad person. I felt she might have a reason - I still find her view insensitive but understandable in that case.

I thought in the main this was a useful thread if anyone was confused about why people did post in pregnancy when suffering losses - it shows that the support there has been very important to lots of people.

insancerre Sun 27-Jan-13 12:11:52

I always think of mumsnet as a group of people sat round a big table. Topics come and go and some conversations go off on tangents and eveolve into a different conversation entirely.
it's unfair to expect people to compartmentalise everthing and only post in the relevant topic.
Not everything fits into a little pigeon hole.

IdaClair Sun 27-Jan-13 12:21:00

Death is part of life, loss is necessary for gain and grief runs alongside joy - hence miscarriage and stillbirth are entirely relevant to pregnancy as valid pregnancy experiences. It is important to have those babies acknowledged as much as those lucky enough to be born alive. I will continue to post in pregnancy and pregnancy loss forums about both happy and sad news I'm afraid, and remember my children who didn't make it as well as celebrate those who did.

badguider Sun 27-Jan-13 12:28:34

While I think the OP is wrong, I do think that forums like mn can lead to some skewed ideas about risk in pregnancy. I am only just 8 weeks and often find myself thinking that it's highly unlikely that this (my first pregancy) will end in a baby because it seems like almost everbody on mn has had at least one mc and as I haven't had any yet I must be due one.

I think that because people come to mn mainly when they need support that it seems often like everybody has difficulty ttc, mcs, followed by terrible physical and emotional trauma in childbirth, real difficulties bf etc. etc.

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