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feeling utterly horrendous after health visit

(123 Posts)
iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 17:48:36

Today i was visited by a health visitor for first time. Im 37 wks. She was very very nice but she asked so many questions about past depression and the baby that I am left feeling shattered.
After a long chat i feel like
-my diet isnt good enough for the baby
-my house isnt warm enough/ready for the baby
-i am not ready or prepared for the baby

I couldnt answer Qs like what sort of parent do you think you'll be, what will it be like when you bring the baby home.

I havent been to any classes or read any books or surrounded myself with a support network - i have no support network. I feel that she thinks i am being abused by my partner and that i am isolated. I completely broke down because i am struggling with the loss of all of my friends since getting pregnant and moving away. My normal confident bubbly self was nowhere to be seen.

I am left feeling like a bad mother.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 10:53:14

Look, you don't need a birth plan. You have No idea what the birth will be like so to plan for it seems a bit silly. I didn't have one for either of mine and both births were totally straightforward, no pain relief. So don't worry about that.
However, I do think you should go online and check out pain relief options so if or when they are offered you can make an informed choice. check the hospital out and their policy on active there a pool available? Would you like that?
You could phone and ask for a tour of the labour suite if you haven't had one already.
I feel very strongly that's as a pg or labouring woman you are at your most vulnerable and anything you can do to calm yourself and educate yourself will mean you feel less vulnerable and more empowered.
After having both my dc, I felt like I could do anything!

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 10:53:59

Please, please don't feel guilty about any of those things. Like I said before, I never read a book, went to a class or group before having dc1 and he's turned out really well, and has survived 8 whole years with us as parents.

Also think the questions you were asked were poor. Nobody knows what kind of mum they will be. And the ones who've being doing it for a bit often have the odd eye opener that makes them reevaluate what they've been doing so far.

What are you doing today? Keep posting and let us know how you are doing smile

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 10:55:58

...and as for what sort of mother you will be!?....what a stupid question!
You will be what all of us are, op, the best mother we can be x

wigglesrock Wed 23-Jan-13 10:56:26

The way you are feeling is perfectly ok, I felt so tired with the whole thing in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

You are knackered, sore, apprehensive - you're allowed to cry.

I never joined any groups pre-baby and I didn't go to any groups after I had my babies with my first two daughters (I go to a baby/toddler group now with dd3) but I had family support. None of my friends had babies when I had dd1 so I didn't have any idea of what to do but as other posters have said its a baby - feed, keep safe and do your best for your son/daughter. All the other feelings/bonding etc will come.

I'm not saying you have to have a birth plan - I never did grin But maybe if you feel you have some control it might reassure you that you can do this - which you can grin You don't have to talk to a stranger, you don't have to talk to anyone but maybe by writing a few things down or asking a few questions anonymously on MN you might feel like its all a bit more real.

Being pregnant and actually having/being in charge of a baby is such a huge/life changing thing that it can be quite hard to believe its actually happening - I remember thinking "seriously I can't even feckin' drive and I'm in charge here?"

curryeater Wed 23-Jan-13 11:09:06

"What I really really want is to go to sleep and someone to wake me up when the baby is ready to come out."

Well why not have a nap right now?

If you want to start researching birth, baby groups, etc, you can do this, you obviously have an internet connection, mn itself has all the basic information on the "birth" pages (
You can also look up your maternity unit at your hospital and arrange a visit which might be reassuring for when the time comes.

If you want to say the general area where you live, someone might have the info on local stuff to hand and could just share it - or it is all easy to find out online.

But right now, if you want to go to sleep, do. It's cold. Have a hot drink and put your bedsocks on and go to bed. There is nothing you need to do right now other than look after yourself.
When you wake up think about the rest.
It will all be fine, honestly. Take it easy on yourself.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 11:14:01

Wiggles - I can't drive either. With the Qs I just couldnt answer and she could clearly see that it was the FIRST time I was thinking about it and I felt like I looked like a 12 year old girl who has 'just decided' to have a baby for fun without any pre-thought.
Jilted - I can't do much today as I feel so shattered. I am lying in bed trying to muster the strength to do the washing up so that my partner won't have to do it when he gets home from work. I think that might be all I will be able to do today - if that.
I have a really bad pain in my lower back like a period pain.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 11:18:20

Hmmmm...feeling weepy and hormonal and lower back pain you say?
I have a feeling this baby it be here sooner than you think!
smile smile smile
Take care of yourself, have a hot bath, sit and relax.
Check out the birth pages on MN x

BiscuitMillionaire Wed 23-Jan-13 11:33:49

Listen, Miranda Hart fan, it doesn't matter one iota what rubbish you ate in the last week, or if you've thought about 'what kind of mother' you're going to be. How can anyone possibly know in advance 'how' they're going to bond with their baby? It's not something you plan, it just happens. In fact those women who plan it all out down to the last detail can have a difficult time when it doesn't go to plan.

Have a little something of whatever you fancy to eat, a cup of tea or hot chocolate, and relax in bed or in front of the telly. If you have the energy to try a bit of moving on all fours or leaning forwards over the arm of a sofa or something, that might help the baby get in a good position to be born.

You'll be fine.

wigglesrock Wed 23-Jan-13 11:34:31

Badvoc said what I was thinking grin

Having a baby is a piece of piss (no pun intended) compared to learning to drive, although I was so baaaaaad at learning to drive. Although I got there!!!

Why don't you have a nosy at the antenal Mumsnet threads for around when you're due? You don't have to be with the thread from the start - you can rock up at any time even postnatally. Lots of women did on my antenatal/ postnatal group and its been an absolute lifeline. I've even met some of them grin

What's your due date? Dd3 was born on 15th Feb, she'll be 2 this year shock

Emsyboo Wed 23-Jan-13 11:43:20

Bless you, I agree with a lot of what has been said- HVs and all health professionals are still people you can get good ones and ones that just don't get you and can rub you up the wrong way - especially when hormonal!
She probably thought she was helping but the delivery was obviously wrong for you - in between the standard questions they have to ask.
Remember they see a lot of people and have to cover things like DV, a HV asked me how I was doing after birth and I said 'oh you know I have good and bad days - highs and lows so to speak' and she thought I was on drugs getting high every other day!
When the baby arrives you can always go to baby groups, go to post natal classes etc and meet other mums it will be good for you, you don't have to do everything all at once and babies are great at breaking the ice when you aren't feeling comfortable. Meeting up before the babies are born can sometimes be uncomfortable as you don't know people well enough to start talking about constipation and pregnancy ailments and if you are not a confident person it can be daunting, if you can meet people then try but don't beat yourself up about it many of my ante natal group never meet up but post natal are much better friends.
As for your diet - I normally eat very healthily but this pregnancy am craving biscuits and cakes and can't stand the smell of chicken or meat I hate to think what people would say about me but baby is growing and I don't have gestational diabetes (touch wood) so I am doing what works for me at this moment in time.
You will be a great mum I am sure big hugs x x

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 14:07:29

Thanks for all your messages x

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 14:38:44

Back pain? Feeling emotional? Agree this baby might be here sooner than you think. Hope you've got your bags packed smile?

Don't worry about the washing up, have a bath, if you can, get a snack and a drink and have a sleep. Xx

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:22:04

i wish! i would do anything for him to arrive soon. I managed to tidy up and have eaten a massive bowl of fruit with fruit juice to try and counteract the terrible food i have been eating recently - told my mum who wasnt entirely helpful as she is worried that the HV will have written bad notes about me and I should be more careful
what i say.... dear oh dear.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:28:31

I am also going to do an internet shop and surround myself with fruit, vegetables and grains - so maybe she has done me some good. If you take away the crippling depression.

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 15:37:59

Oh sweetie it really doesn't matter that you have been eating crap. My DS was made from tea, crime eggs, chips and toast. Barely ate anything else in 9 months and he is fine.

Sorry your mum hasn't been more helpful too. Really don't think the HV will be overly concerned. You can always send her away next time, you don't have to see them if you don't want too. HVs that is not mums grin.

Sounds like you've done loads today, so give yourself a brew and have a sit down smile

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 15:39:05

I ate creme eggs. Think crime eggs should be a different thread....

Chislemum Wed 23-Jan-13 15:56:19

iamwhaticallpregnant - hi there... just a bit of support from me too. Sleep and be good to yourself! You will need the energy when little one has arrived and for the labour. You sound like a very caring mum to be, so give yourself a break. {hugs}

btw weather all grey depresses me too. :-)

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:57:40

ha ha! well I have been eating take aways a plenty because i was just so over joyed to be able to eat again. But I am going to try and be more healthy. She also asked if I was taking pregnacare or vitimins and i said no and she looked shocked. Every minute I remember something else she asked and feel worse. My mum is afraid by the sound of me that this HV will send social services around to take my baby away - she said, try not to mention youre depressed or anxious sweetie - you have to be so careful what you say. But she also said I WILL BE THERE NEXT TIME SHE COMES!! oh dear - God help her!

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:59:39

Thanks to you all - I don't know what I would do sometimes without being able to come on here and get all this out. You are all so kind and don't know what your kind words mean to me.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 16:09:21

Op...I had severe gerd in my last pg. It was awful and was so bad the acid wore away part of the valve at the bottom of my oesophagus.
So I ate whatever I fancied whenever I fancied it.
Please please stop being so hard on yourself!
I lived on cola, nectarines and chips when I was pg and ds2 is just fine smile

Emsyboo Wed 23-Jan-13 16:14:42

Oh hunni you will be fine!

I had ante natal depression and told the health visitor some terrible things (was really unwell) and they just got me help and extra care no one even considered taking DS away (well except me).

If they were really concerned they would have referred you to someone or made and immediate appointment with a supervisor or someone from another team. I was swamped with people!

Sounds like she had a few tips to improve your health I worry you are really low but trying to get some sleep will help you think clearer.

You want to know a secret? Bad mums don't worry about being a bad mum they don't care! You are so upset and worried I know you will be a great mum, you may need a bit of help you may not but I know your DC will be loved and cherished and that is all that matters.

Have a cup of tea and some cake (don't tell HV) and a nap you have been busy and your mind has been overactive. You need to rest like other people have said baby could be here sooner than you think x x

TwitchyTail Wed 23-Jan-13 16:15:31

You sound like you'll be a fantastic mother and don't let some twit pop up and tell you otherwise. We all have challenges and no family or parent is 100% perfect - all we can do is our best.

[I have been warned by several of my work colleagues about the Middle Class Health Visitor (said in tones evocative of the Grim Reaper) who will appear out of nowhere to patronise me. I though they were exaggerating but maybe not?]

For what it's worth, I'm a first time mother, have zero child experience (never even changed a nappy), have read no books and gone to no classes, and my house is kept at a nice low temperature because I'm tight fiscally and environmentally responsible. I'm confident it's all going to be fine grin

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 16:29:55

ha ha - you have both made me laugh out loud. The middle class HV/Grim Reaper is hilarious. And Emsyboo thanks. If I had some cake I would eat it. I have just ordered a shopping list Gillian McKeith would devour!
I too have NEVER changed a nappy. The shocking truth is i have never even held a baby because I have been so scared with other people's that I would drop them of hurt them in some way. The sad thing is i was so excited that she would come over and chat to me and maybe make me so excited about the baby (cause pregnancy at this stage 37 wks is soooo boring) and when she left I felt like honestly ending it all! I am convinced she was 'trying' to be nice - but God it was so soul destroying.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 16:35:26

I had never changed a nappy or held a newborn before my dc were born...dint worry.
You'll get a lot of practise smile

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 16:47:40

ouch - i have cramps and cant tell if it is a bad stomach coming on or labour. urgh.

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