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Terrible mistake

(20 Posts)
redbunnyfruitcake Thu 03-Jan-13 20:37:37

I posted here a while back about my many miscarriages and my honest desire to stop trying for a baby as I felt I could no longer cope with the thought of having another one. The very same month as my miscarriage I find myself pregnant again! I'm not stupid but really didn't think I was going to get pregnant in the same month as a miscarriage especially as we only had sex once. Now I am 7 weeks along and am horrified at the thought of having another child. My Dd is 3 and very challenging so I am really not looking forward to doing it all again especially as she will hit 4 years just as the other is born.

I just can't get my head around this unexpected pregnancy and am considering a termination but am not sure i have the courage to go through with it, however I cannot face having another child after I had decided to get on with my life.
I'm in mess please don't point out my stupidity, I am all too aware of what a fool I've been. Some encouragement or helpful experiences would help me so much.

flowersfortea Thu 03-Jan-13 20:48:00

Hi redbunny,
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and your most recent miscarriage in particular. It sounds like it could be very confusing right now for you and given your previous experiences I can see why the idea of proceeding with this pregnancy is so scary and daunting.
Having not been in your situation before I can't offer any personal experience. What I would like to say is, hold on in there, time is on your side and you do not have to rush into any decision in the next few days. Is there someone you could talk to in RL about this, to work it out - perhaps your DP or a good friend, or a nice GP? The latter at some point could be helpful from a practical point of view particularly whatever you decide, but for now I think you might just need to take some time out, talk it over, and see what your heart tells you. I'm a huge believer in gut instinct and I hope yours will help you!

Micha54178 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:52:01

Hey red, I'm sorry I can't offer any fantastic advice. It sounds like your in an awful mess and I hope you find the right path for you. I too had stopped trying for a baby and then fell I was pregnant. Some days I felt exactly the same. My little one was four when my baby was born. I decided in the end to go through with the pregnancy but you need to make sure you make the right choice for you. Do you have people close to you to talk this through with, is dh supportive?

bogwoppitinatree Fri 04-Jan-13 11:40:30

Hi Red,
I chose to have a termination five years ago. My mum had just died after I had cared for her for a long time and I could not cope with the thought of a baby. It was the right decision for me at the time and I do not regret it one little bit. I'm not saying that is what you should do but if it is the right decision don't beat yourself up about it. Mistakes happen and the procedure is straight forward.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant and am very happy about it. This will be my first - I was just not ready then. Good luck with whatever you chose and let me know if you would like any advice.

june2013 Fri 04-Jan-13 11:56:05

Hi Red,

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't think you're stupid at all. Honestly. I got pregnant some years ago, I was 24 and never ever thought it would happen to me, but it did. I was in a stable job but new relationship. Anyway, the day I found out I was pregnant I knew I didn't want to go ahead, even though I was mortified with my ridiculous situation. And it didn't help when a lot of my friends said: but I can't believe this is happening to YOU! I went ahead with my termination and like Bogwopp, I have never had any regrets. I'm also saying that this is what you should do, but a termination doesn't have to be all so bad. I think it's a very difficult decision to make but if you spend some quiet time with yourself you might find that you have the answer inside of you somewhere (I certainly did).

Perhaps your age might also help you decide, although maybe not. Are you at an age where you could still have children later, if you decided you wanted to? Like Bogwopp, I am now 17 weeks pregnant, didn't have any problems getting pregnant, so the termination wasn't a problem in that sense either.

If you do want a termination, I would suggest you take your time to think about it, but unfortunately, unless you are able / willing to go private there can be quite a wait with the NHS, depending on where you live. Delays can happen and if you do want a termination, I wouldn't suggest staying pregnant for too long. It took me 5 weeks from my first doctor appointment to the termination (and I was living South London at the time). I found that quite difficult.

Best of luck with any decisions you make xx

beckie90 Fri 04-Jan-13 12:04:33

Things with termination is you have to be sure that its what you want and you would feel at ease with desision afterwards knowing it was right for you. I've been there and it was not right for me and spent everyday regreting it since.
Im 9wks pregnant now 4 years on from that and it was abit of a shock, I also have 2 ds very challenging, don't sleep etc, and my partner wanted me to terminate, but although I felt "weird" about the pregnancy, I thought I'm just gonna get on with it, and as the weeks are passing its easing off abit. I just knew i cudnt cope with termination.

If you feel you could and its for best then you need to do whats best for you. Good luck xx

namechangerforaday Fri 04-Jan-13 12:08:48

Be sure it's not fear speaking - after multiple miscarriages.

I'm not sure how to word what I am tryingto say properly.

neolara Fri 04-Jan-13 12:30:54

I had four miscarriages but have been lucky enough to also have 3 dcs. With each pregnancy after the first (which ended in a mc) I went slightly loopy around the 7 week stage. I become obsessed with my career and getting a job (I'm a SAHM) while at the same time being constantly sick with anxiety that everything was going to end any moment. I think this sudden interest in my career was my way of coping with the fear. By my 7th pregnancy, I seriously lost the plot in the 1st trimester - I felt sick with fear when finding out I was pregnant, I couldn't bear to talk about the pregnancy with anyone, even my dh, I tried very hard to distance myself from the baby. I guess when you've had multiple mc you know how traumatic the whole thing is, and it's natural to try to protect yourself. I felt very strongly with my last pregnancy that I got pregnant too quickly after my last mc (one month). The hurt hadn't had time to heal and every emotion (anger, sadness, fear) was too raw. Immediately after each of my mc I felt overwhelmingly that to be pregnant again would be unbearable. With time, these feelings changed.

I think you are probably still in the middle of all the grief of your last mc. I can completely understand how this new pregnancy might feel overwhelming. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Incidentally, my last / 7th pregnancy worked out. She is now aged 3 and sitting on my lap. I wouldn't be without her for the world.

Best of luck.

gertrudestein Fri 04-Jan-13 13:17:35

I'm so sorry about your situation, and I hope you find some peace to think it all through.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but I also got fell pregnant immediately after I had decided to stop ttc because of MCs and other problems. I was shocked at the fact that I didn't feel happy about it. After wanting a child for so long I had resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen at the moment, and had lots of other plans.

There were a dark few weeks. One thing I found useful/ interesting was how many threads there are on here from people in the 6/7/8 week mark who also feel like they can't cope, even when they had been ttc.

I think early pregnancy can be a deeply stressful time. Everyone thinks you are meant to be over the moon but instead you are exhausted, feel sick, hormones are raging and you're isolated because there's no-one you can talk to.

Have you got a trusted friend who would let you talk everything through? Doesn't even need to be someone who has been in a similar situation, just someone who will let you talk until you've talked it all out.

TwitchyTail Fri 04-Jan-13 14:53:33

First, you're not stupid, and please don't beat yourself up or rush into any decisions.

I think you need to separate the two issues in your mind. Do you genuinely not want a child (ie a new person you are responsible for for 18 years and beyond, and everything that comes with it), or do you not want the pregnancy (ie opening yourself up to the potential heartbreak of a miscarriage again)?

I'm as pro-choice as they come, but I worry that you might regret a termination if your primary motivator is wanting to protect yourself from the uncertainty and trauma of another miscarriage.

If you just don't want a child because you are happy with your life as it is, that's a completely different matter. I think if you work out what's driving this feeling, you'll have your answer.

FoofFighter Fri 04-Jan-13 15:00:39

OP get yourself some counselling before you make any decisions that could be driven by fear/panic/hormones

redbunnyfruitcake Sat 05-Jan-13 10:24:27

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to reply and thank you so much for all the replies. I'm grateful for so much kind feedback and it is helping me see a bit more clearly.

To be honest I don't think I am afraid of miscarriage as I am of having another child in my life. I've had 4 miscarriages which have varied in severity and they have all been pretty unpleasant but what I find harder is motherhood. I decided that my last miscarriage was a blessing in a way because it gave me a chance to be honest about the prospect of more children.

My DD is a lovely, bright girl but has never slept well and is very demanding. She requires alot of stimulation and attention and I am just worn out by it all. She has been going to nursery 2 days a week for the past year which has helped but I am still exhausted by my day to day interactions with her. I've suffered quite a bit of ill health since her birth and lack of sleep has made it all the harder.

In all honesty I have been so focussed on the light at the end of the tunnel which is school that I have not really enjoyed my time with her as I might. Now the prospect of starting again is too much, I just don't feel I've got the energy. I am 39, my DP is 46 and DD is 3. I was just beginning to think about going back to work and getting a life myself when I find myself in this situation.

The thought of having to do it all again fills me with terror. However, the prospect is that if I go through with a termination my DP will secretly resent me for the rest of my life and I risk ruining DD's family with this decision. I feel like I am being made to choose between my sanity, my life and my relationship with DP (although he is not saying that I can tell he is very angry with me for changing my mind). It really is a rock and a hard place.

I'm just wondering if for once in my life I will have the courage to do the right thing for me rather than trying to keep other people happy?

TwitchyTail Sat 05-Jan-13 10:34:27

What a tough decision.

Speak to your partner first. You need to be completely honest with each other. Now is the time for him to speak up if he really wants the baby - he has no right keeping quiet now and then resenting you later. He needs to know how tough you find being a mother to your existing child (who is the priority - as well as you obviously), and think carefully about the strain it will put on your own relationship. Pre-termination counselling may help bring some neutrality to this if you find it hard to be upfront with each other alone (and these are terribly hard things to be honest about). Written pros and cons lists can help get your thoughts straight if you're a fan of that.

Don't worry about "ruining" your daughter's family. She already has one! There are plenty of happy only children, not to mention plenty of children who would have been happier without the sibling their frazzled and over-stretched parents felt obligated to provide them with.

june2013 Sat 05-Jan-13 11:07:57

Good luck with this. It sounds like a really hard situation, but I agree with Twitchy and talking to your partner openly and honestly and asking him to do the same seems like the first logical step.

There are also phone lines you can call to talk to someone.

Thinking of you x

bogwoppitinatree Sat 05-Jan-13 11:34:31

I think it sounds like you know the decision. Don't let other people pressure you to do something which would make you unhappy. If you're sure, do it and don't beat yourself up about it. In the surgical ones they can put a coil in straight away so you don't have to worry about it again (well for 10 years anyway). Medical ones you have to wait a few weeks so best to abstain just in case. I am well read up on the procedures (and have a little experience) if you need any more speicific advice xx

redbunnyfruitcake Sat 05-Jan-13 12:58:45

We have talked this through and the trouble is my partner really wants this baby and is even willing to take a year off work to have it. I think a termination would spell the end of our relationship. He just thinks I am being indecisive and that as soon as the baby is gone I will be wishing I still had it. To be fair in the past I haven't always been clear and have often done things to suit him rather than myself, only to regret it at a later date but on this issue I am pretty clear.

However, I have to weigh things up. If I don't have this baby I can see that it will set the rot in our relationship and I may aswell pack my bags and go. He wouldn't kick me out or anything like that but I think it would push things too far between us (we have had quite a few issues in the past).

I am scared that my decision to be true to myself will make me a homeless, single mother at some point because I couldn't tolerate being in an unhappy relationship and the thought of that terrifies me.

FoofFighter Sat 05-Jan-13 13:16:52

At the end of the day it is your decision to make. And to me it sounds like you know what you want, just be prepared for the possibility of losing your partner, but even that is not worth having a baby you don't want imo.

Teenissteamed Sat 05-Jan-13 14:50:08

I don't think it's as easy as saying the partner has no say - this was a planned baby and we wouldn't approve of a man putting pressure on a woman to abort because he changed his mind.

Its a very complicated area and OP you have my every sympathy. I found I was pregnant with a planned baby and for around 12 weeks I felt like I had an alien growing inside me - it was too much on top of everything else and it was the only time in my life I have felt unable to talk to DH about something.

It is your body - but everyone's life.

FWIW it took a threatened miscarriage to make me realise I wanted the baby and for me that was the right choice - baby has helped so much.

For those 12 weeks though, I kept hoping the baby would just disappear.

I recommend proper counselling before you do anything - my DH would never have forgiven me and if your partner is serious about being main carer and You can trust him to see that through then he is owed careful consideration.

Ultimately though the decision is yours and no-one should judge you.

NaturalBaby Sat 05-Jan-13 15:07:51

I know the feeling of 'I can't get my head around this unexpected pregnancy'. I knew I would struggle with the first few years but was looking at the long term scenarios to make my decision - 5, 10, 25 years down the line.

I did a lot of talking and crying with DH to work out what we wanted to do together.
Considering the other issues you have to deal with I'd really recommend counselling as well.

june2013 Sat 05-Jan-13 18:09:41

Perhaps you could also talk to your partner about how difficult find your current child, maybe he could help out more there, which might make you feel better?

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