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41 years old Just found out I'm pregnant and husband wants to terminate, what do I do?

(54 Posts)
MimiCooper Thu 03-Jan-13 11:14:50

I found out New Year's Day that I'm pregnant. Whereas I felt initially shocked, as I'm older and I've got PCOS, what has come as the biggest shock is my hubby. He doesn't have any children & we have been married 7 and half years. At first he didn't want any kids and I accepted that no problem, but on my birthday last spring, he said he'd love us to have one. Well now I'm pregnant ( 9 months of trying) he said he doesn't want one now and only said it at the time because he thought it would make us stronger ( we'd had a rough patch) and he didn't think it would happen! He's adamant he wants me to terminate, says he doesn't want to share me, that we're so happy a baby would ruin things. He also said looking at the stats he knows the chances of foetal abnormalities are higher with my age & pregnancy can be high risk for me, things he doesn't want to risk. To top it all he booked and paid for a holiday for the 2 of us and my 2 daughters (19 & 13 ) to the States in August right when baby is due! This was before we found out about the baby and he's said we can't afford to lose that money. We are ok financially at the moment..but a baby will certainly make things less comfortable... Life has been good and I love him so much, I can't force him to have a baby he doesn't want & he's said he'd resent me for, but the thought of termination is making me so upset. Do I have the baby and risk ruining my relationship with my husband & my 2 girls who will be mortified, especially when it ruins there holiday in the summer... My mother has also said on many occasions that having children in older years is selfish as losing a parent when you are younger is very hard.. She had older parents... Or do I terminate this little thing that is the victim in all this? I'm so upset and not sure what to do.. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated. 😔

AmberLeaf Thu 03-Jan-13 11:21:38

Personally Id get rid of him not the baby.

If it were me, I know Id always resent him for basically forcing me to terminate.

He says he will resent you/the baby if you go ahead, but he agreed to trying, how were you to know he was lying?

Very shitty behavior from him, I wouldn't miss someone who could be so callous.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

LaCiccolina Thu 03-Jan-13 11:21:57

Unfortunately many men panic at the thought of a baby. Sounds likes he's one of them. I'm so sorry. I have no real sage advice just that u will be the one that lives with this decision. If u have the baby then u will be mummy and if u decide u don't then it will be u that is left to wonder....

What was your first instinct? Blimey o'reilly and a bit pleased? Blimey o'reilly and horrified/scared only? You see 40 in medical terms is older, but so is everything over 25. I'm 36 and I notice it off some people!

Which ever u choose, u need to face ur mirror every day. I really think this is more about what u want and secondly ur partner. Did u see kids in your life?

I send hugs and wish u much luck in ur decision. It's incredibly hard. Good luck.

lurcherlover Thu 03-Jan-13 11:22:58

Your daughters would want you to have an abortion so you can go on holiday? Really?!

I think you don't want a termination and should have the baby. If you terminate and regret it your marriage will fail anyway. I would suggest counselling like Relate as you and your husband seem to be having some issues. Good luck.

LaCiccolina Thu 03-Jan-13 11:24:02

I'm not sure the girls will hate u. Over a holiday? Nah. I'm sure they would rather a happy mummy. And possibly a new sibling.

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:23

So, you were trying for a baby, became pregnant and now he doesn't want it? Well bloody tough on him. Not that his reaction would be better if this were not planned, but whatever he 'thought' might happen, you were both trying for a baby. And if only did it to keep you quiet and didn't think it would happen then, well, that's something he is going to have to come to terms with.

You clearly want this baby, else would not have been trying. The holiday, that again is bad timing and too bad, but you wouldn't terminate to appease an upset family over a missed holiday?

He must step up to the mark and be the father he told you he wanted to be. This is not the time to change his mind. Clearly he is panicking, but do not make any hasty decisions you will regret because of this. He has no right to resent you for having a baby he told you he wanted.

I agree about some counselling to help you both get your heads around this, but mostly it seems it is your H who needs to sort his issues out.

GaryBuseysTeeth Thu 03-Jan-13 11:29:49

He doesn't want to share you...but you already had two daughters when he got with you!?

Your post says alot about what other people will think of you being pregnant but very little about what you think, however it sounds like you want to keep this baby.

Yes, you have a higher risk of defects, but there are loads of older mums out there who have healthy babies, just like many 20-something parents get hit by buses or drop dead.

Callous, depressing question (feel free to ignore)....if you continued the pregnancy & at the scan found out it had a health problem, would you want a termination then?

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake Thu 03-Jan-13 11:34:12

Try to focus on what you want solely.

Frankly I think your partner is being an utter arse and if your children wanted you to terminate for a holiday then that's dreadful. It's definitely not too old, you're going to live til you're 87 - that's plenty of time to see your grand children.

It's only about what you want - you mustn't be pressurised by him.

MimiCooper Thu 03-Jan-13 11:34:51

thanks thank you, I've booked us in to speak to a counsellor at BPAS next week... He won't go to Relate but has agreed to pregnancy/termination counselling... Does anybody know of any other organisations we can talk to about this issue?


octanegirl Thu 03-Jan-13 11:44:55

Exactly. The only reason to ever terminate is if it's what YOU want to do. Not anyone else, ever.
I echo that he sounds like he is being an arse.
My boyfriend panicked when I got pregnant and demanded I terminate. I'm due in a week; there's no way I would have done it just because that's what HE wanted! I'd have resented him for ever and spent my life wondering "what if.."
He's fully on board now by the way.

And 41 isn't old!!!!

Lucy411 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:49:43

I was in the opposite position but very much the same, we wasn't trying, I was on the pill but did fall pregnant,his issue was we were both 'tyoung, he told me to abort the baby or he will leave after much debating I decided he was a selfish arse hole for putting me in that position and

MimiCooper Thu 03-Jan-13 11:51:46

Yes I would terminate if screening showed an abnormality.
I realise I'm incredibly lucky to be pregnant but I couldn't go through with a pregnancy I knew to be abnormal.. And yes I know lots of women my age and older have healthy babies which is why i was happy to try. I know the risks at any age ( due to my job ) But my emotions and shock at my H are stopping me from thinking straight.
As for the girls, I'm sure they'd understand about the holiday, they're good kids really... I just hate the thought of letting them down.

Lucy411 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:53:54

I was in the opposite position but very much the same, we wasn't trying, I was on the pill but did fall pregnant,his issue was we were both 'too young', he told me to abort the baby or he will leave after much debating I decided he was a selfish arse hole for putting me in that position and said the morning I was due an abortion that I was keeping the baby, he told me to leave, I was fully prepared so did, went home, he came over that afternoon said we needed to talk about 'the baby' I said there is nothing to talk about I'm having the baby whether he wanted to be involved or not. 3 years later we are very much together and due no.2 smile

Took him a while to get used to the idea but have a beautiful little boy who he dotes on now smile

Fairylea Thu 03-Jan-13 11:57:44

Firstly 41 isn't hugely old for a baby anymore. Complications can happen at any age. Plenty of parents die young, plenty of young parents are terrible parents. None of anything to do with age is relevant.

Apart from the fact this might be your last chance for a baby!

You can find a new husband smile

The girls won't mind the holiday... could you not go on one sooner? I went to Rome at 25 weeks pregnant.

Honestly it sounds like you want this baby. Don't let your twat of a dh spoil this for you.

beckie90 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:59:04

At the end of the day its about what you want to do no one else, because its you that has to live with it not your husband. The worst thing you can do is do something so traumatic because someone else wants you to, its a different story if its what you wanted to do. But to me it sounds like you don' t want to terminate. When I was 18, I got pregnant 8 weeks after having my little boy, I nearly died having him, I was advised by doctors and consultants to terminate, as well as my partner, because of the risks to me and my body after what I'd just been through, stupidly I didn't think about what I wanted, I went ahead with it and 4year later its still the biggest regret of my life because I felt as if I was forced and given no other options, fair enough it was my health at risk, but there was always the chance everything would be ok, but that wasn't expressed to me, and been young I let people talk me into it.

On the partner front, my partner has dine the exact same to me, I'm 9wk preg, he said in October he wanted a baby so we started trying, fell straight away and then shock horror but I don't want a baby no more your going to have to terminate, my reply straight away was no I will not abort because you say so, if you don't want this baby then leave. It's as simple as that to me, I love him dearly. But I will never let anyone tell me what to do again.

Hope you sort it out xxx

MimiCooper Thu 03-Jan-13 12:08:34

thanks thank you everyone.
I will take him to counselling and we can talk it through properly. I know deep down that I need to do what's right for me.
What makes it hard to understand is why he said he wanted one when he didn't! Maybe if he's asked this by someone neutral he'll be able to answer as all he tells me is that he thought it would make us happier!! I was quite happy anyway! I had my 2 girls and what I thought was a relationship that had come through a rough patch unscathed.. I'd always said to him I'd have had another any day but I was happy if he didn't want any as I felt blessed with the 2 I'd got. I have 2 friends who's other halves didn't want any children & they both got pregnant "by accident" something I would never have done to him.
I'm guessing I feel hurt, betrayed and let down by someone who I thought loved me so much he would never do that to me. What a fool.

Northernlebkuchen Thu 03-Jan-13 12:14:04

There's no need for your dds to be let down. See if you can find two other adults to go with them in August.

I agree your husband is behaving terribly. This was his idea and now he thinks he can put you through a termination because of his selfishness? angry
You realise he's agreed to BPAS because he thinks they'll talk you in to an abortion. In fact nothing could be further from the truth so he's likely to get a shock next week.

There are a lot of things to think about here but most importantly think about you - you have maybe another 60 years to live with what happens in the next few weeks. Make the right choice that you can live with for the rest of your life. Don't make a choice because of other people. Choose for you.

Eletheomel Thu 03-Jan-13 12:27:58

I think your OH is a complete arsehole. I have every sympathy for men whose partners stop taking birth control without telling them and falling pregnant. But to be actively trying for 9 months only to then tell you once you conceive that actually i never really wanted one, just thought it was something you wanted to hear at the time - is outrageous.

As many posters have said, you have to make the decision that is right for me, but I'd find it difficult maintaining a relationship with this man regardless of whether I aborted or not, giving his attitude and behaviour - totally selfish.

As for the holiday - big deal, you miss a holiday and lose money (although I'm sure there will be options of getting some of the money back - I presume he was sensible enough to take out insurance? Or is he completely irresponsible)

As for abnormalities, yes statistically there is a higher risk, but it's only a higher risk it's not a guarantee. I'm 40 (41 when baby will be born) and my downs risk was 998-1, the age-related risk was 98-1 (at age 40) but when they looked at the nuchal fold and my bloods, my risk got much much lower.

Don't write off the idea of a healthy child just because you're not 25!

I'm sorry, but based on what you've said, I can't find any redeeming features in this man and regardless of whether you decide to have the baby or not, I can't imagine continuing in a relationship with someone like him.

GaryBuseysTeeth Thu 03-Jan-13 12:40:28

I don't understand how he thought having a baby would make you stronger?
Do you think he was just saying what he thought you wanted to hear, assuming that PCOS & being 41 would make it impossible for you to get pregnant?

Would your daughters be happy going on holiday with another person?
It would get them out from under your feet if you're snowed under with another child.

rrreow Thu 03-Jan-13 12:47:08

It sounds like your husband is very scared. I'm loathe to label him an asshole, yes his behaviour is definitely asshole-like, but that doesn't mean it's helpful to just throw him out with the trash. You obviously have a lot of history together and the fact that you were trying and the problem has only come to light now he's confronted with it shows that there's a lot at play here. I definitely think it would be helpful to try and talk to each other about your feelings, if necessary with a relationship counselor.

Also I don't think any 'practical concerns' (i.e. age & risk) should be acted on until you actually have more concrete information. Aborting just because of your age is ludicrous.

Startail Thu 03-Jan-13 13:38:40

Had I accidentally got PG at 41 I might of terminated, But you were TTC and that is very different.

You also have DDs who are much more independent than the 9 and 11 year olds, I would have had at 41.

DH and DSIL were born either side of DMILs 40th and my DF had a MC at 41 and her adorable PFB DS a year latter.

It's not perfect, DMIL died at 77 so she only ever met DD1.

However, she died suddenly on a wildlife holiday still riding every week and fitter than I will ever be!

worsestershiresauce Thu 03-Jan-13 14:04:09

If you terminate this pregnancy for him, you will never in your heart forgive him, and will always blame him for that lost child. I struggle to see how any relationship could survive that. You have to think about what you want in isolation of everyone else - this is your baby, your body, your emotions, your life we are talking about here.

41 isn't old, I'm 40 and expecting my first. Tell your DH to get off the internet as the stats are not relevant - you are an individual not a statistic. According to the internet women of our age of statistically unlikely to get pregnant. Well that one didn't hold fast for either of us did it. The Downs risk may be higher, but it is still a tiny percentage. If someone told you there was a 1 in 100 chance of rain you wouldn't take an umbrella....

I think he is scared more than anything else, as at some level he must have wanted this baby. You mentioned a rough patch in your relationship - is that over? If he is looking for an exit route he might be saying certain things to open that door.

As for your daughters, they are teenagers and old enough to understand the implications of termination. I very much doubt they would be anything other than supportive of your pregnancy. They are women themselves.

MimiCooper Thu 03-Jan-13 15:10:36

All of the posts have been so supportive, thanks. OH and i will need to talk more... Maybe he is just scared, although he's the same age as me he's never had the responsibility of anyone else but himself... My daughters live 50/50 between their Dad and I so I guess he's not really had to worry about supporting a family. Yes he is acting like an arsehole, but he's very kind and generous normally and has always done so much for me and my girls... So I'm hoping this out of character behaviour is just shock... confused. Will let you know how the counselling goes. Thanks again everyone. smile

HavingALittleFaithBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 15:10:53

He's being thoughtless and a bit ridiculous! You're only 41, it's not like you're that lady who became a mother at 59! (Fwiw my Mum had us at 22 and 25 and died at 51, no-one knows what life might throw at people).

The two of you chose to try for a baby (although his reasoning may have been a bit off) and he can't just turn round and tell you to terminate because he's scared! I hope the counselling will firm up how you feel about things.

GaryBuseysTeeth Thu 03-Jan-13 15:13:51

Good Luck Mimi, hope everything works out for you. x

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