45 and pregnant. Very worried.....

[Onlyconnect]

I posted a couple of weeks ago saying I am 45 and unexpectedly pregnant. I am struggling to come to terms with it in many (all) ways.

I have one DD who is nearly 8. I love her more than anything and being a mum has been the best thingI i have ever done by far so I don't really know why I don't want to do it again but I absolutely don't.

Even to me it seems ridiculous that one of my worries is simply feeling silly and embarrassed. I am dreading telling them at work, I was recently promoted and I'm sure this is the last thing they expect. I love my job and really don't want to take time out of it. But it's not just that. I feel like a prat. I know it's the oldest story in the world and I shouldn't but I just do.

Obviously too I am worried about the health of the baby. I have decided that if there is a serious abnormaility I will have a termination and for this reason I am not telling anyone yet (I am only 8 weeks). But that in itself is a burden. I feel very sick and am struggling to eat and am having to make excuses.

I am also worried if i have a healthy baby. I am worried about energy and coping. I don't know what's happened to me, I am normally a coper and a cheery, glass-half-full person but not over this.

Sorry for the long ramble. I don't know what I want anyone to say or really why I have posted other than to get it off my chest. I would be interested to hear from anyone else my age what the reaction from people was when they heard the news.

[Flowe]

First of all congratulations.
I had my second dc at 44, 13 years after the first so was in a similar situation, though we had been TTC for a while. Didn't tell anyone other than very close friends until knew all was OK.
Didn't have any negative comments from anyone (at least to my face), even my employers. If you're worried then maybe don't tell them it was unexpected (that's nobody's business anyway). As long as you're happy everybody else should be too.
I was worried about reaction from midwives etc. but they were great - a complete turnaround from when I had my first at 31 when I was considered an "older" mother.

[Onlyconnect]

Thank you Flowe, that's very comforting. I saw my GP and she was great and the one friend I have told is a midwife and from her reaction I'm sure they will be fine. I think the idea of giving the impression we have been trying is a good one. I might work on that!

[Queenie68]

Firstly congratulations! I'm 31 wks pregnant with my 5th baby & I'm 44. It was a complete shock. My youngest is 8 & I honestly thought it was the beginning of the menopause when my period was late! We thought long & hard about continuing with the pregnancy for all the reasons u have mentioned & it took me a long time to come to terms with it. However I must tell u, I've had such a wonderful & positive response from everyone & now am so looking forward to this next chapter in our family life. Please don't despair, I felt exactly as u did. U are just in shock & I wish u every success on your pregnancy, think of it as a little miracle :)))

[TinkyPeet]

Not to sound harsh but if you didn't want another child you should have been more careful! Good luck in whatever you decide to do, knackers to what other people may think of you.

[Bonsoir]

My grandmother had her fifth child when she was 45 and my grandfather was 60. My uncle is the most successful of all her children - he has recently retired, has a lot of money, a long and happy marriage and four gorgeous grown-up children.

[Onlyconnect]

TinkyPeet I think it's because I know you are right that I am struggling with it so much and why I feel such a prat.

Thank you for your comforting stories. I am going to reread them every day until I feel more positive.

[gracehedley]

Onlyconnect, I was 44 when I had my 3rd child, also unplanned, and I was horrified for some weeks when I first found out. It has turned out absolutely fine ... I have loads of energy, don't worry about things like I did with my older two (long time ago), generally feel in great shape. My neighbour had a baby at 45, and another friend too, so there's lots of us about. Never got any negative comments from midwives/friends/anyone ... apart from my own mother

[CelticPromise]

If you want more positive reading Google Luisa Dillner, she wrote a diary in the Guardian about having a baby at 48. I expect it's online.

Good luck!

[clickingtock]

Sorry it's been such a tough time for you OP; you have my sympathy. And tentative congrats too . I am 41 and expecting my second, but planned/hoped for with only a 3-year gap. Just wanted to say that being a mum with a newborn in your 40s is becoming quite common, especially here in London. Some of the loveliest mums I know are "older" and seem to have bags of energy as well as patience. I hope you resolve your feelings about it and good luck. (The Guardian columnist mentioned above was writing about her pg over 3 years ago, but quite entertaining.)

[Onlyconnect]

I will definitely look at the column. Thank you.

I think part of my worry is that in the part of the country I live in it's not common. I was 37 when I had my DD and I am the oldest of the mummies in her class at school. I know that wouldn't be the case if I lived somewhere different.

All of your stories are comforting. Thank you.

[Mylittlepuds]

I think your story is lovely!

I'm 31 and onto DC2. It's ENTIRELY different circumstances but I hope there is a bit of a message in what I say. I had/have terrible, terrible PND after DS1 who is only 19 months old. To be honest I still am confused about how I fell pregnant with this baby (one night - used contraception) but it happened. Due to severe PND and other health problems which make pregnancy risky for me and the baby we weren't planning another for a long time.

Anyhow...it happened. I was shocked and had huge feelings of fear and apprehensions. I still have wobbly moments (like looking at double prams today...) but on the whole as the pregnancy has progressed the fear has subsided and we're thrilled.

Life is a strange old thing. Your baby is clearly meant to be. I predict that this is just you getting your head around things a bit and once you have it will be lovely and you'll see it as a blessing. Hope that's not too schmaltzy!

[Arranoxford]

Hi there.

I am 45 too and I am now 19 weeks.
Like you, I was really shocked at first and I too love my work> I am doing a post grad in CBT which I will now have to opt out of for a year. I have 1 daughter who is 11.
The first weeks were hard and I have only just started to tell anyone. I was surpised at how delighted everybody was for me. Getting too big to hide the bump. Fear has been replaced with excitement and all my energy came back at 12/13 weeks.
With regard to abnormalities. The Fetal Medical Centre in London under famous Prof Nicolliades is offering mothers at 10 weeks a free Harmony test. I missed the 10 week slot sadly and it is 400 pounds. It is non invasive< just a blood test. It can detect chromosomal abnormalities accurately.
You have to pay for a nuchal scan (180-200) but this scan is looked at by people who are top in their field.
I was very reassured by the scan I had which was extremely thourough.

Do you have a partner or close friend for support?

Warmest wishes to you.


ArranOxford

[crikeybadger]

That free test is a good to know about Arranoxford.
I was amazed how my age alone ('only' 39) put me immediately in a high risk category for Down's Syndrome. I'm now facing an invasive CVS to know for sure what the situation is.

Congratulations Onlyconnect, perhaps your feelings will settle down with time? It's a shock of course, but sometimes these things are just meant to happen aren't they?