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I'm not sure where to put this - relationship advice

(27 Posts)
fatandlumpy Tue 01-Jan-13 05:45:33

Hi. I've lurked for a bit and to be honest I never really thought my first post would be THIS! I'm nearly 9 weeks pregnant and I'm in a state of shock really. Well... I have a friend (and she's a good woman... she is) who's in a difficult place as she recently had her world turned upside down having recently split from her fiance. My and the boyf invited her to spend NYE with us (so she wasn't on her own). Anyway - boyf is (on the whole) a good man, but he has a thing about 'troubled women' and he likes to be their 'knight in shining armour'. Anyway - I stay off the booze and just eek out a glass of champagne for most the night. We've only told immediate family of 'bean' until I have my dating scan - (then we'll make an announcement). The excuse to my friend was that I am ill with acid reflux - so have to stay off booze. I have a couple of sips of whisky at the bells and then totter off to bed at 2.30am to leave the pair of them drinking. I'm assuming that some of you will know where this is going...

The 'noises' downstairs got a tadge suspicious and I come downstairs to catch the boyf and friend nearly snogging... to be blunt.

Friend is so drunk she can't barely speak. Boyf thinks there's nothing wrong. He tells me that she's tried it 'on'. I stay calm (would you believe) as friend starts rolling on the floor. Boyf starts wrestling friend. I basically say 'right, this has gone on far enough'. Friend curls up into a ball and starts crying. So I take her upstairs and put her to bed telling her that I'm not angry and that everything is OK. As far I know - she's still unaware that I am pregnant. I think she's crying her self to sleep now.

I then pop out for a fag - (sorry - extreme circumstance and I am about to have another as I am mind-f*cked at this moment in time).
Boyf is currently asleep on living room floor.

... the question is... What blunt instrument do I use and what order do I kill them? That was a joke btw... I feel strangely calm - but I am going to have another fag. Sorry - I know but I REALLY need one.

The real question is.... what the absolute holy f*ck do I do now?

Answers on a postcard... etc...

erm... Happy New Year (?!)

MrsHoarder Thu 03-Jan-13 09:15:15

Look after yourself and hopefully your booking in appointment will go well. Are you going alone so you can have a good chat with the midwife?

As for the first scan, I'll just warn you that this isn't really medically useful prior to 12 weeks (obviously there is the option to check for ectopic pregnancies etc before that, but for the medical tests, 12 weeks is the best point). So don't be disappointed if the midwife doesn't encourage you in that regard.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Thu 03-Jan-13 07:24:46

I echo JellyMould - take care of yourself.

You sound a very emotionally switched on, articulate and generous-spirited person. I'm concerned you will end up doing a disproportionate amount of 'work' (and overriding of your own feelings, instincts, values) to keep your relationship together. Asperger's doesn't mean (as I'm sure you realise) that everything goes and that he gets carte blanche while you have to put up with everything.

You are also a very, very good friend.

Just don't forget you are in a stage of life where your needs should be coming pretty blimming high up your list.

Good luck.

fatandlumpy Thu 03-Jan-13 07:15:22

yeah - I know. Sorry I wasn't very clear earlier. I was totally screwed and my head was blown so it was difficult to see beyond what I saw them doing. At the time things seemed the worse possible. That's the problem with having a subtle Aspie partner in this cynical day and age. He's almost 'asymptomatic' and most people can't tell immediately - usually thinking that he's 'simple'. I've spent a long time asking myself whether or not he 'knew' what he was doing and whether not his refusal to take any responsibility was just him being a cowardly weasel or just a symptom of his condition. If I'm honest - I still don't know (as I can't climb into his head). but I suppose this is where the love and trust comes into it.

Thanks again


JellyMould Thu 03-Jan-13 07:02:14

Wow, you're a very generous friend and partner. Your earlier posts didn't give the impression that your boyf had no idea what he was doing was wrong. Take care of yourself.

fatandlumpy Thu 03-Jan-13 06:35:41

Morning all!

l'm really sorry - but the last couple of days have been very emotional and 'dramatic' so I didn't want to keep posting constant updates due to the uncertainty of it all. This is a cut and paste of something that I wrote in another forum as it's rather long. at the time I was so upset I actually asked for advice from 3 different internet sources - so forgive me.

I thought I'd let people know the (as far as I know) final conclusion just in case anyone else finds themselves in the same predicament. I sincerely hope that this never happens to anyone. Anyone.

The upshot is, that when 'friend' woke up the next day it was obvious she has no clue what had happened. She was quite cheery, said good morning and asked how pissed she got. I had to ask, "So you don't remember trying to get off with my boyfriend then?". She was mortified and after a lot of tissues and hand wringing it was very clear she genuinely did not remember a thing. She begged me to tell her everything, so I did. Very calmly and very honestly. I didn't shout, and I didn't lose my composure I was just very gentle with her. I made it clear that I was very upset, and yes - I then told her that I am pregnant. After a lot more tissue use, wailing and the wringing of hands I managed to calm her down and I suggested to her that perhaps she wasn't handling her split from her fiance as well as she thought. She panicked and asked how far things went and I had to be honest and tell her that I honestly didn't know as I only came downstairs when the noises got too much/suspicious. But then I actually surprised myself and said that clothes has stayed on and she could trust my Boyf as he wouldn't have done 'that'. More on that later - for those who are 'WTF' about the last comment.

I let her know that she was so pissed she couldn't even talk, but it still didn't 'make it alright'. I told her it was clear she was in a bad place for her to do that and she was lucky that she had got so pissed in the my house and with a man who wouldn't take too much of an advantage. One the one hand she really hurt me and it was a terrible thing to do/try but also - it was an incredibly dangerous thing to do/try. Anything would have happened with other people and not a court in the land would convict me if I had dragged her outside and kick the living f*ck out of her. Needless to say her reaction etc and the fact she came to see me in my office yesterday at work (yes - brave woman) means I'm convinced there was no 'real intent' on her part. I know... I'm not being a martyr, I just see there's no sense in dragging the situation out more than I have to. As far as I'm concerned, me and her are OK now. I am concerned for her - she knows she's a bit screwed in the head now - but I'm resolved to help her as much as I can, if I'm required. And she knows this.

Boyf - different matter. I may have mentioned this before but Boyf is on the Asperger's spectrum. It's very slight, almost inperceptable but living with him for 7 years means that things are, well, very obvious. He has a problem with women in that he cannot 'read' them properly. He's a good looking man and also (not unusual for an Aspie) very 'innocent'. He's very friendly, open and genuine. For example, he go up to people in the supermarket and tell them that he likes their hair/coat/cardigan. All 3 has happened by the way. At the time I have to be on 'stand-by' just in case someone thinks he's taking the piss and slaps him, but he's got such an open and honest face that people (men and women) usually do a 'double-take' and realise, actually, that he's not.

Women feel very safe with him as he's very attentive without being sleazy. he's sort of like a 4 year old trapped in the body of a grown man. Just imagine a fluffy alsatian puppy, but in an Army uniform. He can make you feel like you the only person in the world and so he always has a lot of female interest. In our early years it used to upset me, but then I got used to it as I knew I could always trust him (hence leaving him alone with drunk friend that night).

He says he honestly doesn't remember what happened and so he doesn't know if he did anything wrong. I told him that getting that drunk with an emotionally damaged woman who was totally drunk herself was the wrong thing to do. He didn't understand why (and still doesn't really, bless him) but he's immediately self-imposed a drinking ban on himself when he's in the company of women and also there's a no wrestling, hugging, poking or tickling policy in place now unless I'm in the room and I say it's OK. He's still unsure of why it's bad to do any of the latter as he still doesn't quite 'get' how some women (even if very drunk) can get 'confused' if he starts playing around like that, but he (says) he really doesn't want anything like that to happen again. Initially he was very angry at my friend for breaking HIS trust (yep - I know... Asperger's remember... sometimes I forget too) and I'm trying to get him to see what his responsibilities were too in that situation. He's coming around to the idea that perhaps it's wrong to put yourself in those positions in the first place, but it's a slow process with no real quick fixes.

It's been a very tough couple of days. I've been crying and shouting at him a lot. I packed my bags a couple of times too and my ms and other symptoms have completely gone

I can't change his perception of his culpability overnight, but at least he knows that what he did (or didn't do) hurt me very badly and so was wrong (even though he's still trying to figure it all out).

We're actually having the booking in appointment today so I'm going to chat to the midwife about getting scanned sooner rather than later. I may let her know I've had a bit of shocker. I'm still a bit 'shaky' about it all but I'm really glad I didn't lose my temper and I'm so glad I kept my dignity.

For me - I think this is an episode that is hopefully over. There are a couple of things with boyf, but I know he's trying to get his head around what he did and how it happened.

I'm not saying that I will never bring this up again in a future argument with him, nor am I naive enough to think that my relationships with either of them won't take time to get 'back to normal' (if they ever do), but I can hold my head up high and say I was reasonable.

I think (if there is a one) the moral of the story is to stay calm and focused. I can't really say anymore than that. I would like to thank everyone on this thread for helping me through this and keeping my head screwed on. Your support has been invaluable. Yes - I haven't followed everyone's advice on here, but your outrage on my behalf helped me focus as it was reassurance that it wasn't 'just me'. You can target and control 'righteous anger' more than just sheer apoplectic rage. Writing it all down really helped and having people read it and offer support was overwhelming.

Thankyou all again. I hope you all have happy and healthy pregnancies and that 2013 is an epic year for you.

fatandlumpy (and grateful!)

Emsyboo Wed 02-Jan-13 14:50:32

Hope you are OK OP
You are handling this better than I would and being very reasonable I would be harder on your DP than friend but feel you may need space from both.
He doesn't sound like a nice man x

itsmyfirsteek Wed 02-Jan-13 10:31:01

Hope you are ok OP. Come back and let us now when you can. Big love xxx

Jemma1111 Tue 01-Jan-13 22:14:00

Have you kicked him inthebollocks? into touch Op?

lovemybabyboy Tue 01-Jan-13 14:07:28

I agree with all the above posters, that was totally unacceptable behaviour and I am suprised you have been so calm, if it was me (especially with my crazy pregnancy hormones) I would have completely lost it! I would not accept that behaviour, I would have kicked them both out! How dare they disrespect you like that and under the same roof as you!! I do hope you are ok and manage to make the best decision for you.

beckie90 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:08:36

Been drunk has no excuse for how they both acted, if my partner did that and said sorry I was drunk I'd kick his ass out we have 2 kids together, and expecting a 3rd, but just because you have a child together (or having one) dusnt mean you have to spend your life wondering and not trusting this man. Lifes too short, and this isn't just some random woman its your friend, that is really wrong on both sides they should have never gone there. I've been drunk loads of times on nights out, and always. Know were my prioritys are and would never do that behind my partners back because I love him. I think under your roof in the same house as you is totally discusting, it shows a real lack of respect for you.

Sorry to be blunt but personally I was appalled when I read this. Hope you sort it out x

Jemma1111 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:18:08

Your username suggests to me that you already have low confidence in yourself. Has he made you feel this way before last nights events ?

Narked Tue 01-Jan-13 09:16:29


Neiffer Tue 01-Jan-13 09:09:47

I just wanted to say, I have been with a man like this and it didnt get better, just worse. Luckily I wasn't pregnant and left him far far behind. Am now married to a lovely man who would never even think of getting himself into this situation, let alone behave like that. As another poster said, good men just don't behave like that. Ever. I don't think it bodes well for your future, what happens when things get hard with a newborn? When he gets drunk and you aren't there?
You'll cope better on your own with a baby than with a man you can't trust and worry about all the time. Good luck whatever your decision

Cheffie100 Tue 01-Jan-13 08:27:36

Utterly unacceptable. I think you were spot on in how you handled it last night but today I would want some answers and justification to the noises heard. Take care of yourself x

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 08:17:14

It's a bit odd that its always these women "trying it on" with your boyfriend. Men who don't want that type of attention, because they're happy with just their partner, don't get it. Saying no is very easy.
If the trust is gone, the relationship is over. I suspect he'll wake up and entirely blame your friend which is bollocks. Good men don't behave this way.
Pack that bag for him. Good luck to you.

mylittlemonkey Tue 01-Jan-13 08:06:29

If I were you I would get up and go out for the day and not speak to either of them and let them stew and think about their behaviour and responses to it last night, particularly your DP.

Your post suggests you are not 100% trusting of him before this happened. Therefore if you stay with him after this you are left in a relationship with a man you trust even less. even if nothing did actully happen (which you seem sceptical about anyway, esp if you had not walked in when you had) you say he leads women on and IME this often will end in cheating eventually esp when alcohol is involved. You need to make him see that this type of behaviour is totally unacceptable to you esp now you are going to be having a baby together.

If I were you I would go to a friends/ relatives house for a few days and let him seriously think about his behaviour/ attitude and then talk in a few days hoping that will make him think more seriously about contemplating anything like that again.

As for your friend I would also give her a wide birth for a while. For me it would depend on how much of a friend she was before this and how importnant her friendship is to you. I don't know if would want a friend I could not trust around my partner. I appreciate we have all done stupid things when drunk. Only you know what she is like and whether you can forgive her behaviour and move on with your friendship past this.

What a pickle!

fatandlumpy Tue 01-Jan-13 07:49:13

I lay there because I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. It's a pretty surreal and f*cked up situation to find yourself in and I didn't want to go downstairs and get it 'totally wrong'.

Perhaps I should have acted earlier - but I so wanted to believe it wasn't happening. The pair of them are passed out drunk now, although I believe the boyf is pretending. I want to remain calm. I don't believe that going batshit crazy will help any.

These are two people in pain with their own worries and head-wrecks. No I'm not being a martyr, I can just compartmentalise. I just need outside opinions (perhaps to vent the rage I'm suppressing) as the only way I can cope with this is to be rational and compassionate, but know that I have been 'wronged'. Perhaps a righteous, focused anger... perhaps I'm f*cked in the head as well...

I will be firm though. I'm going to wake the 'friend' about 10ish and talk to her. I'll let her know that I'm pregnant and also I'll let her know what I saw. She's a good woman, but in total denial about her own depression and how knocked sideways she was by her ex. I know all about drunk reflexes and feeling lonely etc... but to be fair she should have never put herself in that position with my boyf in the first place as I have done nothing wrong to her. Even though I feel really sorry for her I'm going to let her know that what she did was selfish and needy.

The boyf - well I'm going to pack a bag for him after she's gone home. I'm going to let my Mum and his Mum know why I've kicked him out. Also there are a couple of mutual friends of ours (female) that I know have got drunk and tried it one with him (as he told me!) but they don't know that he's told me. They need to know he's not the man they think he is.

... Perhaps I'll change my mind about the last paragraph... about telling those other ladies. I dunno.

Perhaps I'll take an advert out in the Times...

I have no clue what I'm thinking or how, really, I'm going to deal with this. But I know if I start shouting, I've lost.

Sorry ladies. My head is in bits.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Tue 01-Jan-13 07:39:35

Also, he's a bit of a nasty scumbag if he takes advantage of vulnerable drunk women and then accuses them of trying it on.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Tue 01-Jan-13 07:38:08

This man won't be faithful to you.

How much that bothers you is up to you.

Just because your pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

Jemma1111 Tue 01-Jan-13 07:30:54

Right, so the noises were going on for over half an hour before you went downstairs. Why did you wait so long to see what was maybe going on ?. Do you think that deep down you don't trust your dp and was worried what you would find him up to ?.

If he was genuine that she had tried it on and that nothing had happened then surely he would have left her there and gone upstairs to you sharpish.

Instead he either got up to more than he's letting on or at the very least was not discouraging her.

He even carried on wrestling her after you walked in Ffs !
I know people can lose their inhibitions when drunk but I still believe they know what they're doing when it comes to trying it on with others.

If I were you I would trust neither of them .

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 07:13:00

Sorry. Cross posted. Having read your last post I'm amazed you didn't put your friend in a taxi and let her fend for herself. You're a better woman than me.

They've both behaved like total shits. I'd make it v clear to DP that if he ever does anything like at again he'll be out on his ear. If you weren't pregnant I'd just leave him. If after talking you really believe he's sorry and you want to then maybe a second chance? The "friend" I would avoid for a while and totally ban DP from seeing. Oh and tell her you're pregnant, it'll make her far more ashamed and make it much less likely she'll try anything further.

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 07:07:56

I would agree with weareeternal. All depends on their behaviour when they wake up. They were inappropriate, and you could torture yourself with what if you hadn't come downstairs, but the likelihood is probably very little. Lots and lots of people are foolishly disinhibited by alcohol and your friend probably overdid alcohol because of her recent trauma.

It takes 2 though and I would be more pissed off with your DP. He knew she was vulnerable and he knows you're having a baby together. He also knew you were just upstairs!!

See how sorry they are. They should both be very very sorry. If they're not sorry I'd abandon the friendship and kick DP out, at least for a bit. But that's just me.

What a rubbish way for you to start 2013. Hope it gets better.

fatandlumpy Tue 01-Jan-13 06:57:09

Unfortunately the suspicious noises went on for over 30 minutes before I came downstairs and among them were the boyf saying "we can't we can't..." I lay there gobsmacked for a couple of minutes before going downstairs.

... but then he still didn't stop it there and then.

'Friend' was so pissed she started patting his penis in front of me - then I basically said 'enough was enough' and put her to bed.

When I got back to the living room boyf denied everything and then promptly went to sleep.

... by the way. Suspicious noises include creaking chairs, sighing and moaning... I have no idea how far things went.

Boyf also has a history of leading women on. I think he gets a kick out of it. He lets things go so far before acting the honourable hero. He's in the Army and he lost his brother last year. He's not exactly as 'well man' and I've tried to be as supportive as I can, but I'm not sure if I can let this one go.

Feckthehalls Tue 01-Jan-13 06:54:58

People do really stupid things when they are drunk.
Hope you are okay

WeAreEternal Tue 01-Jan-13 06:43:31

IIWM I think I would plan my retaliation based entirely on their behaviour once they have sobered up.

If they are embarrassed/appologetic/ashamed about their drunken behaviour then I would be pissed off but allow them to appologise and make it up to me (preferablely in the way of nice gifts)

If they don't seem to think their was anything wrong with their behaviour then I would have to seriously reconsider the friendship/relationship.

My guessing is that your friend will be option A and your partner will be option B.

I could see his defence, nothing actually happened, she was just coming onto him in her lonely drunken state, and if you hadn't walked in he probably would have pushed her away, but that isn't really the point, his attitude is the real issue.

I hope once sober he will realise how much of a arse he has been.

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