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Am I being unreasonable

(29 Posts)
Lovelylace Sun 30-Dec-12 18:25:58

i am 32 weeks, and my partner and I have just had an enormous argument, where I have given him an ultimatum. Basically, he has a male friend who I don't like and do not trust, this friend is unfaithful to his wife, lies to the girls he picks up, saying he is single, and talks disrespectfully about women in general. He does cocaine and after a night out with this man I found text messages on my partners phone discussing prices for sex with some prostitutes. This was a year ago, and we had a massive argument then, my partner stopped seeing this guy for a while but has over the summer started going out with him again. There is also a woman he sees, he says she is an old friend, I have met her once and think she is a bit of an insincere bimbo golddigger and did put my foot down about him seeing her too. In late October this year he was out with these two and I had to go into a&e as I was bleeding, he didn't bother coming home all night and when he eventually got home he was pissed and in no fit state to be of any help at all. I had it out with him then, and he has behaved better since, but I now find text messages on his phone to both of these people, and it worries and saddens me. We had another row today, where he said he would not stop seeing them as they are his friends, so if it didn't suit that was it. I decided to stick to my guns and I left him at home and went to a friend. I don't know if I am being unreasonable, but I can not see any redeeming qualities in these people and should nit a pregnant girlfriend of 14 years be more important than some drinking buddies? Anyway, anyone else that have left their partner at 32 weeks pregnant, and managed to move out, and how do I get to hospital when it's time? Or should I concede and go back and be a good little girl that do not put up ultimatums?

lauraellajane Sun 30-Dec-12 18:39:49

Tricky, really feel for you as is a rubbish time to have a relationship break down. Can you see yourself being with him long term? Is he the kind of person to put up a fight but come to his senses in a few days?

All the best whatever you decide. If you do leave him I'm sure things will fall into place - have you got friends to help with taking you to hospital etc? Have you got somewhere else to live/stay until you sort somewhere?

Lovelylace Sun 30-Dec-12 18:57:19

We have been together for 14 years, and I still love him massively..he does often calm down after the first outburst, not like me who stays calm for ever and then just do something drastic, like leave..I haven't really got anywhere I can stay whilst sorting out a mew place to live, I also have two horses and a great Dane to take into consideration so I suppose I will go back tomorrow, and move into the spare bedroom, until I find a flat.. Just feeling disappointed with him, were about to have a baby after trying with IVF for years, and now he feels that an womanising, drugtaking, disrespectful lying wanker is more important than me and the baby..?? He even said before the argument started that he wanted to go skiing in march, on a boys jolly... I am due on the 24th feb...but feeling that he perhaps should not leave me on my own with a new born didn't seem to be important at all..

Eletheomel Sun 30-Dec-12 19:05:42

Horrible situation for you to be in. Do you actually have any concerns that your OH is or has cheated on you? Do you think he takes drugs when he's with them?

Generally I disagree with ultimatums as it gives no room/option for discussion and I think it often compels the person being given the ultimatum to pick the worst option out of spite.

Given what you've said, I totally understand why you wouldn't want your OH to hang about with these two folk (I'd hate it too). But I think he does have a point in that if you don't think he's cheating or taking drugs or doing anything that 'breaks' the rules of your relationship, he should be allowed to pick his own friends.

I understand your anger regarding your hospital visit, but to be fair to him, if he was already out and smashed out of his face, he wouldn't be any good to you, and at 14 weeks I think a lot of partners think its safe for them to go drinking (they're not expecting problems). Obviously I'm saying this based on my understanding that when he went out you were okay, and the hospital visit was a suprise, if he knew and then went out - that's a whole other kettle of fish.

If I was you, I would withdraw the ultimatum (I really really don't think they serve any purpose) and try and open discussions with him again. Maybe you'll never like these people, but maybe you have to accept that he does want to spend time with them, the key thing is to ensure that he is still committed to you and your child. Once the baby arrives his opportunities for 'painting the town red' will diminish greatly, he may well just be making the most of it while he can.

On the other hand, if, deep down, you've decided you no longer want to be in a relationship with him, and you've partly given him the ultimatum hoping he'll make that decision for you, then maybe you need to think carefully about what you actually want, and if you no longer want him, tell him.

Sorry, if its not what you want to hear, and I hope you get a resolution soon.

mylittlemonkey Sun 30-Dec-12 19:10:25

Poor you!! Its terrible to have to go through something like this esp when PG and 32 weeks. Its worse that he did not come home all night when you had bleedings and was in a&e!! I think you need to make a decision about whether you would actually leave the father-to-be of your child over this or whether you could try and discuss the situation (preferably without arguing) and reach some understanding. Does he act like this ever when he is not with these two people or is it just when he is influenced by them? If it is just the later then maybe staying at your friends for a few days might be just what he needs to give him time to think about what is more important to him, you and his baby or his friends.

Lovelylace Sun 30-Dec-12 19:25:11

I have no other proof of infidelity apart from the text messages I found on his phone after a night out with these two characters discussing prices for sex with two women. I know that he does drugs with them when he is out and then drinks far too much and drives home under the influence, something I abhor. Regarding the evening at the hospital I started bleeding at five pm, I was about to out with him but had to drive to a&e instead, he was already in London. But I called at about eight and said I had been allowed to go home, but if anything more happened to come straight back in, I asked him to not stay out late but he came home at 4 am, on drugs and drunk and continued drinking until 10.30 in the morning when I started bleeding again and had to go back into hospital. I agree that ultimatums are never a good approach, but I am feeling so insecure and unhappy with him being with these two, they have in my mind no redeeming features, she just expects my partner to pay for everything when they go out, and is very shallow and a bit of a bimbo.. I do not want to leave him, I think anyway, we have (apart from this issue a very fun happy relationship) but I am tired of feeling let down and insecure and not trusting him... I have never been the kind of girl that goes through my partners mobile etc, and now I am a jealous suspicious wreck. I hate the way his friend write about the women he is seducing, not his wife.. Saying they are filthy bitches and how he wants to fist them, meanwhile asking my partner to lie on his behalf and be his wing man in lying about not being married etc... It makes me question wether my partner is really the kind of person I thought he was as he seems to think that is acceptable..

Eletheomel Sun 30-Dec-12 19:39:12

Has he ever discussed stopping the drugs, drink driving when you have the baby? From earlier posts you indicated you'd been ttc for a while before conceiving this little bean. Is he expecting/looking forward to making all the life changes that will need to happen once it arrives? Some men do behave weirdly during pregnancy.

Do you think he's acting out in a last attempt at freedom? Do you think there is any scope for compromise on saying he can see them, but you don't want him staying out overnight as you're in your last trimester now, and when the baby is here you'll need support? Do you think he woudl take that as reasonable? If you have a little girl, you could also ask him how he'd feel if a bloke treated her the way his mate and him treat other women?

I have to say, I'm totally with you in that they sound despicable, and I wouldn't want them anywhere near me or my OH, and his 'wingman' act is bound to raise suspicions, I'd be thnking if he finds it that easy to lie for his mate, what else is he lying about, so I wouldn't beat yoruself up about being overly suspicions - he's caused that himself by his behaviour.

It's a tough position to be in, and maybe if you did have a few days to cool off, it would help you. I'd still be tempted to contact him and apologise for the ultimatum first, just to take that off the table so at least if you then take a few days for yourself, he's not just getting wound up over the ultimatum and maybe starts to focus on the reasons you gave it in the first place (no guarantee that will happen of course)

I hope you have good support from family and friends at this time.

Lovelylace Sun 30-Dec-12 19:55:07

We have discussed that life will (obviously) be different when the baby arrives, but I am afraid that it will only be my life that changes and not his... Even tho I did hope he would step up to his responsibilities., I will go back home tomorrow and see what he has to say and perhaps write down my concerns so that he can read it and think over things in peace, rather than flying off the handle.. But I do not think that we can have a functioning relationship with these two people in our lives. Unfortunately I just think that it is impossible.. I would never trust him again, and it would just be like putting a band aid over a boil, it will come to another argument and maybe it is better to leave before the baby is born than trying to do it with a newborn..

backwardpossom Sun 30-Dec-12 20:09:28

Can I be brutally honest?

"I am afraid that it will only be my life that changes and not his..."

I think you'd be much better off without him...

Lovelylace Mon 31-Dec-12 08:52:56

Maybe you are right, spent the night with a friend. He has texted me to say he wants me to come home soo, off back home soon to see if we can try to sort this out without a massive argument. I have discussed the matter with my friends and are now armed with calmness, more persuasive arguments and hopefully some patience and understanding..

backwardpossom Mon 31-Dec-12 09:37:54

Don't get me wrong, I hope you can sort things out and that he realises he's got responsibilities that he needs to grow up and deal with, but you have to look after yourself too. What are you getting from the relationship? Be selfish too. Good luck!

Lovelylace Mon 31-Dec-12 12:12:54

well, he says he "hopes" he will be one of these men that want to spend time with their son and that he "hopefully" will not want to go out and do drugs and drink too much once the baby is here...there is a lot of hope there and not much determination...gosh maybe I should say I "hope" I will be one of those mums that have patience with their child and not beat it over the head when it is cryingshock...I dont know but some things you just know you HAVE to be, or HAVE to do...not just hoping on a wing and a prayer that it will all be good, take some responsibility FF he also says that I cannot possible "force" him to stop seeing his friends and to go out in London, when I suggested that he could see them here at home, and if they were proper friends surely they would love to meet his son and go for a walk and a cup of coffee where we live out in the country...but apparently that would not be of any interest to these "friends" they only want to meet him and go out in London, where drink and drugs are readily available...I have started looking for a flat, need one that will take a rather hhuge dog though...ohh dear, and how on earth does one takes oneself into hospital when in labour? Cab?

Eletheomel Mon 31-Dec-12 12:25:17

Lovelylace - did he acknowledge that your relationship is at a huge turning point just now and the outcome of these discussions is going to determine whether you stay together or not? Does he see that this is currently a battle to maintain a relationship and be a daily part of his son's life? Did either of you raise the prospect of what will happen if you cannot reach a solution that you'll be happy with?

I so take your points regarding 'hope' over 'will' sounds very weak to me, he'd have been aswell saying that he'll 'try' not to go out and do drugs - he's clearly not made that decision in his head yet, that certain behaviours will need to change, I'm not sure if he's working in the belief that some catharsis will take place when your son is born and he'll suddenly change personality and want to do things differently. Certainly thats possible and i do think it affects other men like this, but you can't rely on it, he has to take some role in ensuring that his son comes first and not leave it to chance.

How far out of London are you? Could he go out in London and be back for 11pm at night? And can I ask a cheeky question - how old is he?

Re: getting to the hospital, a cab will take you. My sister went into labour on xmas day (a week early) my dad (the only one who can drive) had already had a few drinks, we coudlnt take her to hospital, they wouldn't send an ambulance and so we tried cabs, we tried 5 cab firms they were all busy for hours, and in the spirit of xmas, the last firm we tried, the radio guy said he'd come out himself and pick her up - and he did, in his own car he took my sister and her OH to the hospital - there's a lot of compassion out there when you need it, and in the unlikliest of places!

Lovelylace Mon 31-Dec-12 12:38:45

I am 37 years old and he is 46, beleive it or not...we live in berkhamsted about 45 minutes outside London. He has to be fair been home around 1 ish the last few times that he has been out, and he refuses to accept that even once or twice a month going out and driving home drunk and under the influence of drugs is too much..I am not sure he did quite understand that I am leaving if behaviours not changing, he said "you have too much too loose, leaving me" meaning the large house, and the rather well off lifestyle...I replied "dont be too sure I am not one of those golddiggers that you usually hang out with". He does admit that his friend is behaving badly and is not a particularily nice person, but that he is "funny" with it, and that most men behave in the same way, something I strongly disagree with..He also said that I needed to think about our relationship as if i was not pregnant, I on the other hand say that it is a pointless exercise as my whole being is being geared up for this baby and how to make his life the best I possible can, they do, and ought to, take precedent over other things...or? He already have a son, who is 20 and that was a nasty experience with him being forced into becoming a parent and him and the mother not getting along well at all. I say that this is the chance of making things differently and he can see another side of parenthood, however I cannot really see how this would be a different story considering how he is behaving right now...

Eletheomel Mon 31-Dec-12 12:48:03

46 and still out clubbing in london? My god, I thought he was maybe in his late twenties! Talk about oldest swinger in town!

I can't believe he drives home drunk - does he never worry about the consequences. To be honest, he sounds as if he still thinks he's in his twenties (midlife crisis or never grown up?)

And i would certainly say that not all men behave the same way as his mate - certainly none of my male friends do - but then my mates don't have that kind of lifestyole, maybe the kind of guys that are still getting wasted at 40 and hitting on girls do all behave like his mates - but thats not the norm!

Why do you need to think about your relationship as if you were not pregnant? What difference does that make? That doesn't make his drug/drink use, driving under the influence and pricing prostitutes any more acceptable or does he think it does?

It doesn't look like your relationship will have a happy outcome here, although it could be that you moving out is the kick up the backside he needs - but if his 'sounding boards' are the guy who's cheating on his wife, I can't see him getting the guidance from his mates he needs to sort himself out.

As if anyone would put up with all that shit just because of a big house - he's really not seeing the big picture here.

Littlefish Mon 31-Dec-12 12:56:35

Did you mean to out your location in your previous post? - it might make you rather identifiable.

Lovelylace Mon 31-Dec-12 13:03:23

thanks for the support, and YES it is bloody high time that he grew up and started behaving like a proper of his mates is 50..still have a yacht in Ibiza, where he likes to take his conquest of the hour, and have just managed to impregnate a woman he hardly knows, but knows enough that "he would never marry her" but he'll do the "right" thing and buy her a flat after the parental test have proven he is the "guilty" one...ohh dear and yes the friend that I really dislike is in his late forties as well...charming ehh? I really do not think that he sees his conduct as being "that bad" and perhaps it isnt when comparing to his friends but I really need some assurances from him as I am feeling let down and rather insecure right now...However I have said that he needs to let me know in a couple of days if he feels that me and the baby is worth more to him than nights out with these people or if his nights out are too precious too him to give up (not saying he will NEVER go out, of course I would still like to go out once in a while and get drunk and feel reckless, but it will have to be with more planning and not just leaving me at home with the baby whilst mr Nightclub is out with god knows what bimbo) If he thinks that "maybe the magic of childbirth" will transform him and that he "hopes" that it does then I probably wont stay to find out TBH, it is just not too much of a chance to take and it will be soo hard moving with a new born, I rather get the move over whilst baby is inside me...

Eletheomel Mon 31-Dec-12 13:10:36

I'm so sorry for you having to deal with all this right now, I really hope you can get things sorted out the way you want and that you have enough friends and family to support you through whatever decision you make. I agree that moving when pregnant would be easier (in a practical sense) than moving with a newborn, and you never know, maybe your absence will lead him to re-evaluate his life.

It does sound as though him and his mates are leading a lifestyle so far removed from everyone else their age though - but if that is the group of peers he's hanging with (and the people he likes) I can see why he probably thinks he looks pretty good in comparison!

Good luck with all the decisions you have to make - I'll be thinking of you.

MrsMcEnroe Mon 31-Dec-12 13:14:24

The biggest red flag for me is the fact that he let you go to A&E alone when you were having a pregnancy-related bleed (have I read that correctly?) while he carried on partying with his friends.

That tells you all you need to know about where his priorities lie.

I'm sorry.

Lovelylace Mon 31-Dec-12 13:25:37

have no family here I am swedish and they are all back there...have some freinds but most of them are "our" friends however I adore his family and they really like me too, and his brother is such a good bloke, amazing father, trustworthy and lovely and depending on the outcome in a few days i will call him and his mother who also loves me very much and I will explain what is happening and why i feel (is it comes to it) we have to go our separate ways. They are a very close knit family, so maybe a united front is also what is needed...
Mrs McEnroe, yes you did, I started bleeding at 5 in the early evening and he was already in London, I said that I could go into a and e on my own and that I would keep him updated, they sent me home, being on red alert after a few hours, and I said to him, around 7 when I was discharged, I can get back on my own, have a drink with your friends but I would appreciate if you were back early if something else would his defense he said he had already started on the gear and I said i was fine....he then comes home at 4.30 in the morning, continues drinking until 10.00 when I start bleeding again, so I take myself into hospital again, and stays in for another 4 hours and then have to drive myself back again...charming ehh? he was VERY sheepish when he finally surfaced at around 7 in the evening, and after a long chat where I did think I managed to get him to understand, he had another night out where he again could not stop drinking...cue another huge row, and tbh since then he has been home earlier, but trust doesent grow back that easily, does it..and the worst is almost that I feel that I am loosing my respect for him, which is worse than loosing my love for him, you can love things with pity cant you, but that is not something I want for my relationship..

noblegiraffe Mon 31-Dec-12 13:36:49

He excuses his mate being a horrible sounding person because he's funny. You excuse him for being an immature dangerous tosspot because otherwise your relationship is fun. But it doesn't sound much fun being with an unsupportive wanker.

I don't think he's going to be a very good dad. If he's not grown up by 46 and one child already, I don't think another will make a huge life-changing difference.

backwardpossom Mon 31-Dec-12 13:40:30

"in his defense he said he had already started on the gear and I said i was fine"

Sounds like a poor defence to me...

timeforgin Mon 31-Dec-12 13:48:50

Do you honestly want your child around a man who behaves like this? He isn't going to change.

I really worry for you if you stay with him :-(

Lovelylace Mon 31-Dec-12 13:51:07

I agree, with all of you...Looking up flats as we speak..

massagegirl Mon 31-Dec-12 14:16:00

You poor thing. Such a horrible thing to go through. Think getting your own space is a great move. You can settle before baby comes and then see how he behaves once you have a new born. Good luck. You can look on local websites for info on mum and baby groups or nct bumps and babes so that you don't feel too isolated and can build up a network around you.
Good luck.

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