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Pregnant with much wanted second child but am now to scared to go through with it

(49 Posts)
soscared2012 Thu 29-Nov-12 15:13:17

A bit of background. I had DD 3 years ago, I had a lovely pregnancy but had a birth that left me in fear of having another child. I told my DP that we can never have another child as I am not giving birth again, and he was fine with that. Fast foward nearly 3 years, and we both felt broody for another. We tried and got pregnant 1st time which was a total shock, and I threw up when I saw the positive test. That was 5 weeks ago and for the last 5 weeks I have been suffering from depression and have started thinking about having an abortion for the last couple of days. My DP has told everyone I am pregnant, including our DD, everyone is so excited. I cannot muster up any excitiement and my DP is very upset as he thinks I do not want this baby. I do want the baby but I do not want to be pregnant and give birth again. I have not slept well for the last 5 weeks, I keep waking up early and think 'on no what have I done.' I have not been able to cook or clean for the last 5 weeks my DP has to do it when he gets home from work. Me and DD have just been staying in watching tv, I feel in constant fear I am going to give birth, and I am only 8 weeks pregnant. I keep thinking, I was happy with one, what have I done.

My birth was probably not that bad compared to a lot of peoples. Both me and DD were fine which is the main thing. But I just felt like I was tortured. I got to 7cm at home and then went to hospital and got to 10cm with no problem on gas and air. Then my contractions stopped and I was put straight on a drip and was forced to push for over 3 hours without gas and air even though I had no urge to push. I felt like I was being electrocuted up my spine every couple of minutes for over 3 hours while being forced to push. Then they discovered the baby had not moved and was stuck. So I had a forcepts delivery which was fine apart from I had a 3rd degree tear to my bowel, as well as cut at the front for the forcepts. I was on the borderline of having a blood transfusion. But that part was fine. It was the 3+ hours of electric shocks up my back while on the drip while being told I was not pushing hard enough that have left me too terrified to have this baby. I don't know what to do.

Sorry for long post.

BillyBollyBallum Thu 29-Nov-12 15:19:06

Oh sweetheart sad

Firstly I think you should see your doctor, you may have ante natal depression. You also have options. If your fear of giving birth is so great, and you have had a difficult birth, an elective c section may be better for you.

Remember, each birth is different. And you have exeperience this time, as does your dp, to have the confidence to decide what you want to happen. A private midwife or a doula may be a consideration if you can afford it.

You're are allowed to be frightened, you had a really tough time of it.

CailinDana Thu 29-Nov-12 15:27:05

Your birth does sound bad. You have every right to feel upset about it. Now is the time to take the bull by the horns so to speak and deal with the trauma of what happened. Counselling would be a really good option for you I think.

You still have 32 weeks or so before the baby comes. That's quite a long time. It's plenty of time to process the terrible birth you had with your lovely DD and get your head around doing it all again.

I have heard from so many people on this board that having a second birth actually made them feel a lot more positive and at peace with the first one. It is possible to feel ok about this, but you do need help. First port of call is your GP - be honest about how you feel. If the waiting list for counselling is long it might be worth doing it privately if you can afford it.

You will get through this. How you feel is not wrong, not in the slightest. But you can deal with it and be ok again. It just takes time.

BubblesPebblesx2 Thu 29-Nov-12 15:30:54

soscared2012 Best thing to do is write out a birth plan of how you would like things to go, you don't have to show it to anyone or tell your midwife about it. It's just a way to feel like you are gaining control of the situation. You don't have to do it all naturally if you want, opt for a c section if you can't bear the thought of pushing again. There's no shame in admitting you're scared or that you want all the help you can get.

Maybe have a look at your DD's baby pictures and through her baby things to get the maternal feelings whirring again smile

Good luck xx

LaCiccolina Thu 29-Nov-12 15:39:03

I had a bad birth too. Details irrelevant but I've woken in cold sweats over it. I never gave it a thought until the scan. I'm pushing for elcs. I'm citing the fear of the first (butchering) birth as the reason. I won't know until week 34 if I can do this or not.

I still wake in the night sometimes. I still cry on my own about it. I am rather terrified of it and possibly had I realised I would have felt that at the start I wouldn't have gone through with trying at all. However I'm enjoying pregnancy. Mostly I ignored the thing for about 24 wks til she (she! How fab!) moved. She's mine, she's precious and despite my fear ill fight for her because that's what mums do isn't it? I feel for her what I felt for my first, just in truth slightly less often as to be honest and very blunt there just isn't time in the day to notice her most of the time due to dd1. It's now I can't see my toes it actually feels real. And by heavens that's been a blessing. Life goes on you see?

At the end ill get through it. Much like I thought for my first, it's 2 days out of the rest of my life. It's not much like that is it? Til then I try not to think of it. I take each minute by minute and do my best to ignore my sickening fear. And mostly I'm successful.

You aren't alone my love. We will get there. This time next year it won't even matter will it? ( and no there will never be a third.....)

zoeymlucas Thu 29-Nov-12 15:40:03

I feel for you but lets think about this you have been left traumatised by the birth experiance you had - so face it now and use this pregnancy as the time to face what happened and get over it as you havent yet. First step is doctors/ midwife and explain this to them and they can out you in touch with the right people.

My BF had an awful first birth and had a lovely chilled out c section for number 2 as they agreed the stress was too much and they agreed this at her 16 week appointment.

Until you have done that focus on the beautiful baby at the end not how its getting her as no one will make you go through that again x

soscared2012 Thu 29-Nov-12 15:42:57

I have been looking through DDs baby things but just cannot get excited. I don't think I could ever try and push another baby out again. I feel like begging them for a C section and if they say no then to have an abortion. Which would be awful as we really wanted this DC but there is no way I can give birth to another child. It was totally stupid of me to get pregnant. I feel bad for my DD as I grew up with a depressed mum and feel that I am letting her down since I found out I was pregnant as I cannot seem to focus on her. She is fed and watered but I just cannot interact very much I feel so scared from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed sad

snowtunesgirl Thu 29-Nov-12 15:46:05

OP, you have my sympathy. First things, first, don't compare your birth to anyone else's. It's not for you or anyone to decide how traumatic it was for you and it's just about how you feel about it.

I too had a bad birth (22 hour labour, back to back, failure to progress, EMCS, DD's leg was bent the wrong way, went into urinary retention and had to be bagged for two weeks) and it's no way near as bad as what some of what some other women have been through. However, once I thought about it and thought: you know what? It WAS shitty, I allowed myself to grieve and feel a bit sorry for myself and started to feel better.

One of the things that helped me the most was to go through my medical notes with the consultant under whose team I was under. I never actually met him beforehand though as I was midwife led up until my EMCS. However, it was very useful for me to see what actually happened and it helped to come to terms with what happened.

Would this be something you would find helpful?

snowtunesgirl Thu 29-Nov-12 15:47:12

I would also contact: www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

CailinDana Thu 29-Nov-12 15:48:35

If you are at the stage where you are seriously considering abortion if you can't have an ELCS then there is a very high chance that you'll be permitted to have one.

If someone told you tomorrow that you will more than likely have a CS how you would feel?

keely79 Thu 29-Nov-12 15:49:59

You sound like you may have ptsd from your first birth. Please, please before you take an irreversible step like seeking an abortion, go see your GP and get some counselling arranged.

LaCiccolina Thu 29-Nov-12 15:53:54

You need to see your gp and midwife. Get this in your notes properly. Print this thread if u have to if you can't speak about it.

You really are not the only one. You have to speak about this. What I'm realising in consultant apps is that they cannot read my mind. I thought everything was obvious, so bloody obvious..... It isn't, they don't know. Now if asked its in glorious technicolor. I'm vivid and livid and spewing emotion. It's not me, I hate it. But nobody is doing that to me again. I trusted, i believed and i was brutally let down. i dont believe this time but i can fight. I'm in control this time and by god they will listen. They have to...

Muster the courage. You really aren't alone in this fear.

snowtunesgirl Thu 29-Nov-12 16:05:45

OP, when I saw the consultant to go through my notes he said that it would be up to me to decide how I would want to give birth with my next pregnancy as I had experienced difficulty bonding with my DD because of it. He said that if I wanted to go straight to ELCS, he would be happy to support me in that decision seeing as the birth had been traumatising.

shelley72 Thu 29-Nov-12 16:11:04

You poor thing. I had a similar birth with ds, failed home birth, transfered to hospital, 4 hours pushing, 3 deg tear, missed first few hours of his life due to being stitched up in theatre. Fast forward a couple of years and pg with dd. I was offered a section, didn't even have to beg (I declined in favour of home birth, only to end up with section anyway but that's another story!). What I did find helpful was the birth de brief that the mw arranged at the hospital. Maybe speak to your mw at booking and see if you could have something similar? that way, you may feel able to face giving birth again or they would probably arrange a section given your circumstances. I know of people in my area who were granted sections for much less.

Five years on, I feel better about his birth. Still sad that I missed those precious hours, but he still loves me - he knows no different. And even though I had an elcs with dd, I did have that initial time with her. currently 8 wks pg so may be going through it all again soon!

good luck and I hope you get some answers and find some peace. You will get through this pg and birth and it will all be worth it.

fryingpanalley Thu 29-Nov-12 16:11:34

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this, especially with a much wanted baby.

You say that your birth was probably not that bad compared to a lot of people's but I don't really agree. It does sound like you had a really horrible time. I wondered if you might find it useful to contact these people:
birth trauma association.
They have a leaflet for example about dealing with subsequent pregnancies after a traumatic birth. Lots of people will have felt the same way you feel, you are not alone.

I personally had a dreadful pregnancy with DC1 and thought the same as you when I got pregnant again- "I was happy with one, what have I done". But as BillyBollyBallum says, each birth- and pregnancy of course- is different. At the end of it all- and it wasn't as bad as last time, thank god- I had a safe lovely baby and a sibling for DC1. I tried to visualise a warm cosy baby in my arms, sisters playing together, daddy being proud etc. etc. Try to think ahead to that if you possibly can. (Easy to say I know). I tried distraction too so maybe going out, seeing friends, exercise etc. and not just staying in watching TV would be really really good if you can bear it. But I really think your doctor/ midwife (when you have your booking in) should be able to help you, as well as the Birth Trauma Association.

Good luck.

soscared2012 Thu 29-Nov-12 16:13:31

Just got off the phone from the doctor, I had been waiting for him to call me since this morning. He could not push my midwife appointment any earlier but has offered me anti depressants. He said it is preferred not to have them before 20 weeks but he said it will help me feel better. I now feel more scared, I don't want to harm my baby. He said it is very unlikely but I feel petrified to go and collect the prescription. Has anyone else taken ADs this early in a pregnancy? He said taking them is better than having an abortion which I know is obvious but I could not live with myself if it harmed my baby.

snowtunesgirl Thu 29-Nov-12 16:22:37

OP, I would post that question on Mental Health where I'm sure someone will be able to reassure you.

soscared2012 Thu 29-Nov-12 16:24:58

thanks I will do that after I have collected them so I know which ones I have been prescribed. I am off to collect them now. I am just a bit scared, is it normal to be prescribed ADs over the phone, is this a normal first step? I would have thought councelling rather than ADs. But he said ADs will be able to help me function normally again. And then to talk to the midwife about my birth trauma.

FivesAndNorks Thu 29-Nov-12 16:28:54

Would it solve this if you could have an elective section? If so, beg for one or go private. I think aborting a tried for child is proof enough that you are terrified of giving birth.

CailinDana Thu 29-Nov-12 16:30:13

Hmm. From what you say it sounds like the way you're feeling comes from legitimate fear rather than any illness like depression. Although I suppose it could be argued that your anxiety has taken over and so needs to be brought under control before anything else can be done. Did your GP mention counselling at all? Could you afford to look for private counselling?

FivesAndNorks Thu 29-Nov-12 16:30:32

Or if someone said you can def have e c section would you still be depressed and anxious?

I'm usually advocating natural birth but in your case I'd be going for c section booked and no ads if that is indeed how it would be.

givemeaclue Thu 29-Nov-12 16:30:40

Have a section, take, the stress and pain away

givemeaclue Thu 29-Nov-12 16:31:52

Have a section, take, the stress and pain away. What happened to you sounds horrendous, that would not happen with a section

bunnynose Thu 29-Nov-12 16:32:24

I had an awful pregnancy sickness wise with DD 4 years ago, and then a very traumatic birth ending in forceps, blood transfusion and baby in SCBU.

DH and I agreed she would be an only, as I couldn't go through that again and he couldn't watch it happening again (he thought we were both going to die).

Earlier this year we both realised that we would like another baby, but the thought of birth still terrified us. I got pregnant first month of trying in August.

Happiness soon changed to fear and thinking what have we done. The sickness soon set in and I felt even worse. I told my midwife about DD's birth and after effects on me (pain for months and incontinence) and traumatic effects on DH and that I wanted an elective c-section this time. She was really nice, got me an appointment with the consultant when I was only 14 weeks.

I went in armed with information about the NICE guidelines and all the info I could find about c-sections to show I knew what I wanted and what it involved. I took DH for back up thinking we were in for a fight, and was determined not to leave his office until he had agreed to what I wanted.

In the end, he just asked me what happened once I'd left hospital (me blubbering all the way through), looked at my scars then just agreed to c-section. Told me it was time to stop crying and come back when I was 28 weeks to book it in!

I also have birth after thoughts to attend next year, but it was such a relief to get the c-section agreed so early. I must admit I do not feel any connection with this baby at the moment. From awful sickness to stomach bugs and now more colds, I've just felt ill not pregnant, but maybe once I've had the 20 week scan and booked my date I feel more like it's happening.

Please ring your midwife or GP tomorrow and explain how you really feel. Don't hold back, it's the only way to deal with how you are feeling. Tell them that you are considering an abortion as you can't face giving birth. You should be infront of a consultant before you know it. Good luck x

snowtunesgirl Thu 29-Nov-12 16:45:27

I second speaking to someone sooner rather than later. I so wish I'd spoken to someone about how I was feeling but instead I locked it away and just "got on" with being a mum.

It was only after I told my GP that I was feeling low and she suggested that I go through my notes with the consultant that I started to feel at peace with what happened and I genuinely believe that's when I started to feel better.

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