I am writing this as when I first miscarried I didn't realise the lasting emotional impact it would have and how guilty I would feel about my feelings. 5 mcs later, all at different stages (All either late 1st or 2nd trimester), I came to realise that it is ok to feel some of these things and wanted to write this in case any other women out there feel like I did/do maybe it gives them some comfort.
The first few times time I MC I was determined to see my self as unlucky, I saw forum pages on here and elsewhere and didn't want to join 'that' band of women, I didn't want to be one of those who struggled to keep my babies inside me when everyone else thrived, I didn't want to be in that 'club' and avoided all such support. I refused to look at Miscarriage support threads and pages. I refused to discuss whether there was a reason because that would be accepting I had a problem.
I went through stages of blaming myself and blaming my DH, I was furious if people tried to speak to me about the MCs but at the same time felt hurt and abandoned if they didn't talk to me about it. I felt like a failure as a woman. coming from a farming family which 'breeds' children easily made it no easier, everyone else succeeded where I failed, I remember thinking about the poor cow who would not take with calf and therefore deemed useless and sent to market, thats how I felt. I felt like as a failure as a wife, a mother, a daughter.
I was terribly upset when my DS and DSil's all feel pregnant, I was pleased for them, but so sad for me and DH. sometimes I thought (and i know this awful) that if they would lose a child then I wouldn't be the only one who this happened too and who people looked on in pity, I didn't want to be people's focus anymore. I hated myself for this thought ever entering my mind. Then I began to think in another way, maybe I was losing these babies so it meant others didn't have to, someone has to have MCs right? Well if it was me taking the fall then others would be ok (i think I'd lost it a bit by this point!).
Each time I lost a baby I thought I should give my body a break but emotionally I couldn't and was determined we started trying again straight away, ignoring medical advice and practically pinning my poor DH down. I was a woman obsessed. Sex wasn't about love it was about conception.
I was ashamed and embarrassed of my losses and my failures.
Apart from DH though I think I carried a very 'brave' face on it, people who knew commented on how 'strong' I was, inside I was in torment. Then I would see/ speak to others who were going through this and think how well they coped, and thought I must be weak. In truth they probably were just as upset inside as I was.
I now have a healthy, beautiful DD and I think it is only now I have started to come to terms with all those feelings and anxieties. Been thinking about it alot today I just wanted somewhere to put this down, felt I needed to share, not sure why.....
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My honest view of recurrent miscarriages...
42 replies
StickyWiggler · 23/11/2012 14:04
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