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Grieving whilst pregnant....

(13 Posts)
Ameliac28 Mon 12-Nov-12 08:44:36

Hey ladies,

Has anyone lost a close family member whilst being pregnant? I've recently lost my Grandad who I was very close to, he was my world and now his gone and I'm finding it really hard to cope with!! every time I get upset my family tell me not to cry as I have to think of the baby which I totally understand but I always want to be able to grieve for my Grandad and I just feel like I can't and I don't want to bottle things up inside and make things worse for myself and the baby!! just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and what you did about it?

Thanks x

MrsWolowitz Mon 12-Nov-12 08:51:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ameliac28 Mon 12-Nov-12 08:58:35

Thank you MrsWolowitz that's really good to know and eases my mind a bit!! I'm worried I'm going to stress myself out over it all but as long as I keep eating and sleeping I'm sure baby will be fine. Thank you again and sorry to hear about your Grandad too x

mameulah Mon 12-Nov-12 08:59:59

I am sorry for the loss of your Grandad.

Three months before we felt pregnant with our baby (it is due any day now) we suffered a missed miscarriage. I know that we were really lucky to fall pregnant again so soon but I honestly grieved for the baby we lost for every second of every day until I was at least five months into this pregnancy. Whilst loving the baby that we have now I still desperately missed the baby that we lost. I also found it really difficult to cope with the way that people coped with me being pregnant again. Rightly or wrongly I very much got the impression that friends thought that being filled up with a new baby stopped me feeling sad about the baby that we had lost. My dh and I also had to learn that we were coping in different ways too and that whilst I thought about our first baby every second of every day (and sometimes still do) he didn't, and that was part of it and that was okay.

I have learned that grief cannot be measured or compared. You can't hide from it either, it is part of what love looks and feels like. I am terrified that something happens and we don't get to keep this baby, it is seems so easy for everyone else to be excited and tell me not to worry.

Not embracing your grief does not make it go away. It just hides it. And I don't think you can hide away from how you feel. I think the feelings just bury themselves inside you. So, my advice to you, would be to embrace and feel your grief while your baby is tucked up safely inside you and you have the time to indulge in how you really feel. In my opinion it is far better that you get through this chapter so that you are ready for the next one.

My friend described grief as being like a bit hole somewhere outside. The hole stays there forever but as time goes by the odd leaf falls in, or branch or dried flower. It doesn't mean the hole isn't there but time passes and disguises it.

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn or gone on too long.

Many good wishes to you and your family. x

Trazzletoes Mon 12-Nov-12 09:01:39

Ameliac, so sorry for your loss. The poster above is right. No matter what you do (within reason!) the baby will be absolutely fine.

Of course you should cry, you've just lost a member of your family. Eat what you can, relax when you get a chance and please make sure you grieve how YOU feel is right.

BreeVanDerTramp Mon 12-Nov-12 09:04:43

So sorry for you loss sad

I lost DFIL 3 weeks before DS2 was born and found it very difficult to grieve as I was so upset about harming the baby I bottled it all up and found after DS was born it was difficult to express how I felt.

DGran died 2 weeks after DD was born this year and I'm not coping at all, feel as though DD must pick up on my grief sad

It's better to grieve while they are safe in that little bubble inside you, they don't know what's going on then.

comeonbishbosh Mon 12-Nov-12 09:04:58

Sorry to hear about your Grandad. Sometimes big life events come close together. We want to avoid stress in pregnancy but sometimes it just isnt possible.

You are right, just keep eating, and sleeping as well as you can, and cry as much as you need to. The baby will be fine and unaware.

lookingfoxy Mon 12-Nov-12 09:17:12

You'll be fine and the baby will be fine, me and my uber healthy ds now 7 are living proof of this.
When I was pregnant with ds my step dad whom I was very close to died very suddenly in his 50's, 8 weeks after this my gran died unexpectedly and during the rest of my pregnancy my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 days after I had my ds, my pregnancy passed in a haze of attending and arranging funerals/grieving and hospital appointments which were delayed for hours with my dad until his admission.
Topped on that I worked in a major city commuting nearly 2 hours every day.
The best thing during this time for the rest of the family was my pregnancy, everyone focussed on this as it was the one positive thing during this terrible period in our lives, as a result = ds one spoiled happy baby.
Now im pregnant again am hoping no-one else dies as there's not many of us left!!
You and your baby will be fine, honestly its fine to be upset and grieve, time is a great healer and I can look back with irony and disbelief at this period, me and my mum even have little jokes about 'who's next' (just our way with dealing with things)

chocchoc30 Mon 12-Nov-12 09:17:33

So sorry to hear about your Granddad sad . I too lost my Granddad last Thursday he passed away in his sleep.

I am yet to break down and cry and am wondering if I'm holding it all together for the baby.

The funeral is the 20th Nov and I can see this being the day I completely fall apart sad

GiraffeAHolic Mon 12-Nov-12 09:25:22

So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad while pregnant with ds. My midwife said that whatever state I might be in my body would make sure the baby got what he needed and she was right, he was fine.

What I would say is that I needed to keep my dads death and my babys birth
seperate in my mind or I felt overwhelming guilt at any sliver of happiness.

Grieve however you need to now, you will then be ready to focus all of your love and your granddads love on your new baby.

GiraffeAHolic Mon 12-Nov-12 09:28:50

Chocchoc - I was 30 weeks pregnant at my dads funeral and against the odds managed the day including doing a church reading. I stayed strong by imagining that my dad was watching and I wanted to make him proud.

Ameliac28 Mon 12-Nov-12 09:58:31

WOW thank you ladies for all your comments it has really helped with the way I'm feeling, I'm so sorry to everyone who has lost someone it's a very tough time to go through!! I felt like I was trying to ahrd when my grandad dies to stay strong but now the mention of his name or a picture of him I just burst into tears, it's his funeral this Wednesday and I'm doing a reading as I want him to be proud of me and if I cry then I cry!! He kept saying to me that I was going to have a boy, unfortuanltey he passed away before we found out what we are having and he was right smile we are having a boy so in a way I feel like I have a bit of my grandad with me for that. Thank you again everyone for listening it makes a big difference to talk about how I'm feeling and knowing I can cry if I want too. (I won't be able to stop now) x

newby2 Mon 12-Nov-12 13:00:50

Ameliac, I think crying is a good way to release the tension and is perfectly normal. During my first pregnancy my Dad was diagnosed with savage cancer which I accompanied him to all his appointments and saw him every-day on my maternity leave before he passed away shortly after we had our daughter.

I have to say that I had severe pre-eclampsia but don't attribute that to the stress- it isn't stress related. I did have to keep a lot of my feelings hidden though which definitely made me tired.

Well done for posting on here and talking. Your baby will be perfectly fine- women survive through war-torn times dealing with a lot of loss all over the world and your baby is programmed to survive too.

Lots of love.xx

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