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Guilt Guilt and more Guilt

(12 Posts)
MiriPenn Fri 02-Nov-12 15:56:21

I'm sorry about the self-pitying nature of this post but I am reaching the end of my tether. I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I feel like I'm in a constant spiral of guilt. I am always sick (feeling and being) and I'm not giving enough head space to my job, and my DH is having to do everything at home.

At the beginning of this year I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression and I came off my meds when I knew I was pregnant. I know it was an incredibly difficult time for DH and I feel like I'm putting him back in that place again. I miserable and anxious because I'm not feeling well, and he keeps asking me to do things I just don't feel up to doing and then I know he's so disappointed. He's told me he can't cope if I go down again, and I believe him, but I don't know what to do. I feel like such a failure. He is much more disciplined than me and does most of the housework anyway, so I constantly feeling like I'm not pulling my weight, but this guilt is unbearable. Any advice??

philbee Fri 02-Nov-12 16:08:18

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I think concern about your mental health is a separate thing to concern about getting help with things you can't do because you're pg and sick. Can you see the GP about the anxiety etc.? Lots of women get antenatal depression, so there must be something they can do to help you manage.

In terms of housework and doing things, your DH just has to get over that I'm afraid. And you have to accept that you need help, you can't do these things any more and that's how it is. I get pelvic girdle pain when pg. I can't vacuum or iron now, can't walk for more than about 15 minutes, can stand for more than about 5. It's frustrating and it's hard to ask for and accept help but that's how it is. The child is my DH's as well, and we will have to pull together when the baby's born anyway. This is how things are now. It's hard to adjust but you just have to and your DH does too, otherwise it's going to be a real struggle, and not very conducive to good mental health I think. Sorry to be harsh.

philbee Fri 02-Nov-12 16:09:37

can't stand. Sorry. smile

stowsettler Fri 02-Nov-12 16:13:00

You should go to see your GP ASAP. They will be able to advise on any medication which you can still take for your anxiety whilst pregnant.
I hope you start feeling better soon.

Clarella Fri 02-Nov-12 16:21:56

Sounds very similar to me - anxiety and depression in past, came off beta blockers for pregnancy and then couldn't handle several things which were thrown at me due to pregnancy related illnesses however it was the guilt that started to eat away at me - guilt about work as I was signed off for non slapped cheek immunity and teach autistic children with challenging behaviour, but also guilt towards baby (had some thyroid issues) and then guilt for DH as I was a mess and anxiety was getting out of control - exceptionally hard for him as (i learnt quite recently) all he's ever wanted is a baby. Definately get to the doctor ASAP, be very honest, see if you can be referred for counselling (perinatal would be quicker) and consider taking a week or two off to focus on getting your head round things and focussing on your home.

Antenatal depression (esp anxiety related) is quite common but very unknown about, and its very easy to relapse during pregnancy if you've recently experienced problems, as you are simply less resilient to everything in pregnancy, plus those pesky hormones plus physical difficulties really can exacerbate mood.

Don't delay with help - I tried so hard to pretend I could get back to work after the slapped cheek quarantine but the anxiety, guilt and stress had taken their toll, and mixed with thyroid issues my resilience was shot. I never returned to work after the summer, but as could barely get out of bed some days was then too depressed to do so. (cue more guilt and self flagellation.)

HOWEVER I am very much on the mend now following the head space time and counselling support. Now 36 wks smile Alternative drugs were offered but not for me however some people find them helpful. All the best and well done for recognising there might be a problem xx

Rockchick1984 Fri 02-Nov-12 23:33:51

I suffered antenatal depression, I know how tough it is on you; and now I'm recovered I can see how horrendous it was for my DH as well. He was scared anyway about becoming a dad and his life turning upside down, then he was scared for me and how much I wasn't coping.

Please go and speak to your Dr. They can refer you to the perinatal mental health team, and you will bypass many waiting lists to get counselling - I waited 6 weeks for an appointment rather than 6-12 months if I wasn't pregnant. I personally didn't want medication but they were happy to discuss meds that were safe during pregnancy if I needed them.

katesav87 Sat 03-Nov-12 07:56:50

Hi may I join I am going through the same thing I am 10 weeks 5 days pregnant and have suffered anxiety and depression for years now. I've always been on my tablets except with DD1 and now I've come off them again because I don't want them affecting the baby. Now I'm off them I can see how bad I've got. I've been off work for the last week with horrendous nausea and sickness. I feel so guilty for being off knowing all my collegues think pregnant ppl should be at work because its not an illness and I'm proberley just taking the mick. I've had a lot of time off this year I think about 50 days because of a previous miscarriages and then had my gall bladder removed so was off a lot with that. All in all a bad year for me with sickness. Now I'm feel like I'm stuck in this rut were I can't get out my house don't want go go to work cos I get so tired and sick. Scared if wat ppl think of me my DH is doing everything for me but can see he's fed up of the year with me. At night I lie there and get scared I'm going mad. I think about all these things and have longed for this baby for so long and now can't help thinking maybe I won't be able to cope and I shouldn't of got pregnant. I had post natal with my DD and didn't bond with her for a while I cried every day wen we got back from hospital. I know I'm stupid for having another one but it completes our family. Just wish I was normal. I see all my friends so happy with there lives and I have everything I've ever wanted and still can't get over this depression. Sorry for the long moan just wanted to tell u ur not alone xxxx

looloo13 Fri 09-Nov-12 07:29:46

hi Im in exactly same position, Ive come off anti depressants to have my 4th baby but my husbands 1st. We've had a whirlwind romance and married and expecting our first child in less then 10months, needless to say he never really understood my depression cos I hid it well with my pills, this pregnancy is complicated too because of blood clots and Ive also lost 3 babies during pregnancy so he doesnt understand how Im feeling. he is a saint and doing everything as my sickness is the worst I have ever had, starts around 11am and lasts all day and night, I also feel bad for my other 3 as Im having to do a little less with them too ( although they are 17,16 and 11). nice to have other people going through the same so I dont feel completely alone xxxx

Dolallytats Fri 09-Nov-12 07:39:56

Wow!! I came on here today to put up a post saying that I found out I was pregnant yesterday. I am around 4-5 weeks. I also have anxiety and am agoraphobic. I started CBT on Weds and have my second appt next Thurs. I am really pleased to be expecting my 3rd (We have a 15 year gap between 1 & 2 and really thought we couldn't have any more), but my anxiety has gone through the roof and I feel guilty.
The last pregnancy I had was awful. I bled heavily throughout and was in hospital for most of it, bed rest when I wasn't in hospital. The memories of this have sent my anxiety rocketing and this morning I have no idea how I am even getting my son to school!! I feel sick and dizzy-but this is probably the anxiety, not the pregnancy.
I have no advise, It's just nice to know that we are not alone in this.

Runningblue Fri 09-Nov-12 08:14:44

Don't underestimate how much the depression/anxiety can be affectedwhen you're in the first trimester especially whilst your body is coping with all the hormones, tiredness, sickness as well as the mental adjustment to thinking 'I'm pregnant' -as well as body adjusting to no meds...

I had to come off my meds with both pregnancies, up to about 15 weeks was hardest, and seemed to get more manageable as preg symptoms improved. but along with other posters, do seek help ASAP from midwife/ gp.
I have noticed how much more geared up they are to support mental health this pregnancy- only 4 years since the first- which is lovely if just for the fact it doesn't feel like its just you!

Clarella Fri 09-Nov-12 09:29:04

Sorry to hear so many are struggling but as mentioned it is really far more common than people think. I found this website helpful [[ http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/]] and a chat with them early on made me realise how what i was dealing with at the time was understandably difficult. I think prenatal depression tends to be more anxiety based or fuelled, which is really hard to deal with in pregnancy due to both hormones, general normal pregnancy worries and generally feeling unwell, on top of any other difficulties. For some, the simple mix of the hormones is enough to trigger inexplainable anxiety and low mood or depression. I havent ever felt depressed personally but feel like my 'nerves broke down' and my fear was out of control.

Out of interest has anyone been prescribed chlorpromazine for anxiety in pregnancy or post pregnancy?

Ive been given a prescription for 'just in case' though i am really so much better - what makes me anxious now are the consultant visits which have been monthly for thyroid, now finally fine, 38 wks on monday so no more of those. Despite a bad day yesterday made lots worse by an SHOS attempts to do s history when i was clearly getting overly upset and had said how uneccessary it was as all it was supposed to be was a chat about this drug or betablockers during breastfeeding with the actual consultant which finally occured an hour and a half later by which time i was a total mess and didn't get my head around the questions for this drug, but today i am fine again no drugs needed, just need to be left to get on with nice baby things! I cant fault the perinatal counsellor though, shes been a huge help.

lookingfoxy Fri 09-Nov-12 09:36:31

Could you get signed off work until your sickness passes, I am feeling dreadful just now with nausea/sickness and have been signed off for week no 3. The sickness in itself is very hard to deal with and can drag you down, thankfully it doesn't last forever (I keep telling myself this).
Stop being so hard on yourself, housework can wait, the dust will be there long after all us (so my mum says and she's a housework fanatic)

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