Relationship Issues in Pregnancy(8 Posts)
Hi, I am in some desperate need of relationship advice, I am 28 weeks pregnant, having fell pregnant by accident with my boyfriend (we're both in our 30's) we were both really surprised/shocked, we had a great relationship and wanted to do more things togethr, but having sat down and spoke about what we were going to do and decided that we'd go for it, we both have our own places and as he had the 1 bedroom flat (which he's lived in alone for 10 years) and I had the house (lived alone fore 3 years) it was a no brainer but to move into mine, he moved in mid September, around the time of the move things started to get strained, we both became quite distant as he was renting his flat out it meant doing lots of odd jobs, we didn't really spend any quality time together and he didn't really ask anyone for help around the flat so did it all himself. While he was doing all the odd jobs around his flat I was making room for him at mine, vaccum packing all my skinny clothes to make wardrobe space for him, clearing the bathroom shelves and sorting through both our kitchenware to have an equal balance of both our things, not to mention we shopped for new things so we had things that we'd "picked" together.
Upon moving in he became even more distant, really moody, quiet, non conversational and the good sex life that we once had seemed to disasappear, this was all around the time that my baby bump started to show, so I decided that he just needed to adjust, I'd get home late on purpose some days so he could have "his" time after work, but all that he done was be even more and more moody. I asked him what was wrong and he'd been saying for a while that he was feeling quite hollow and didn't know why he wasn't feeling excited about things, I put this down to him being a bit scared and the change. And asking him this time around he said that he didn't know how he felt about me, I was devestated, but also it didn't really make sense, if he had any doubts about me then he'd have never given up his flat? Anyway, this went on for another few weeks until it started to effect me, I was crying all the time, depressed and I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Enough was enough, so I asked him to go and stay with a friend for a few weeks to get his head straight. One thing I didn't mention was that he had a real bad childhood, his mother left when he was just 1 years old and then his father left when he was 8, they both went on to have new relationships while he and his brother were passed from pillar to post and practically ended up bringing themselves up, he suffered a very lonely childhood and he's never faced his demons, he has clearly ALWAYS had issues but never dealt with them.
So I came home that evening to most of his belongings gone, clothes, shoes etc. Suddenly I realised that he may have just gone for good... but I realised that he was draining me by being in the house so it was a good things and hopefully some space will make him realise. That was 4-5 weeks ago now, since then he's been to my midwife appointments with me, we've been out for dinner, we've had sex once, which was a complete shock, but the twoing and froing of this is making me ill, I get so upset when he leaves me that its taking over my life, I feel awful because I should be looking forward to having my baby but yet I don't fell the emotional support I need. I just really don't know how to deal with this, or whether this will repair itself. I would appreciate any opinions and experiences of other women who have experienced distancing or rejection in pregnancy, because I just don't know where else to turn to! Thanks
Hello sweetie, congrats on your pregnancy first and foremost
I think it happens in a lot of relationships where the pregnancy has been unexpected, so don't feel you're alone. People who have been trying for some time have had time to discuss and prepare for the inevitable changes in their relationship; you haven't had that opportunity.
I can't offer first-hand advice, as my hubby and I had been trying for years before I finally fell, but even we have fallen into a few pitfalls of pregnancy. I'm a bit more wobbly than normal as well as my expanding belly and my hubby isn't as attracted to me as he once was (we had a very frank discussion, after which I felt better and realised it was just a physical thing and he still loved me very much). He also is having trouble coping with the thought of being a "good dad" - he can be a very selfish person, liking time for himself, computer games and a few beers, riding motorbikes, and I think in his head he struggles to match up the person he currently is with someone who matches up to "good dad" status. I have tried to reassure him, but at the end of the day the only person who can decide if he's up to the job is him. I would never ask him to give up anything he loves, as long as he's loving and supportive of me and baby when he/she arrives.
I think it sounds like your OH is struggling with the latter... There's a great section for dads at the back of What To Expect When You're Expecting. I asked my other half to highlight any parts of it that he had been thinking/feeling, and it helped us to open up honest conversations and resolve problems. I really, really recommend you (and maybe him if he is open to it) has a look to see if anything rings true to either of you.
I wish you the absolute best, I hope the situation resolves itself soon
PS, I also meant to add that my hubby struggled with how much my head suddenly revolved around babies... I needed to make sure I spent time talking to him about things other than ME and BABY and the future, IYSWIM. Instead I would ring my mum or my best friend to chat about baby stuff I was thinking/feeling, and only talk to him about important or funny baby-related stuff. Plus, it may help you to get emotional support from a source that isn't always necessarily your OH.
Hi, is it possible for living arrangements to go back to the way they were?
There's no law saying that you need to live together to be good parents or a good couple as long as you love and trust each other it could work?
He's rented his place out on a years lease, he only moved in for a total of 2 weeks before he started turning into a moron, personally I'm not really into parenting from a far, if I had any idea we'd be living like this I would have terminated the pregnancy, it was he that was keen on the idea and wanted to move into my place, I actually disputed it and said that we should try and rent out both our places and try somewhere fresh. I'm quite a stubborn person as when I feel like I need him there I won't ask him, I just don't understand if this is simply him being a bit selfish and scared or if its the end of our relationship and I need to man up and get on with doing things for myself...?
Have you considered counselling? DH and I were having a massively difficult time and were very distanced so we booked in with Relate (we found out a couple of days after booking the first appt I was pregnant!). It's helped to improve our communication and work out where our issues really lay - we fought about stupid things rather than what was really bothering us - and we have moved forwards. It's not for everyone but might be worth a try if issues from his childhood are affecting your current relationship. It sounds like you being pregnant has brought it all to a head.
I have been suggesting councelling to him since the day we met... well once I knew more about him, I would be more than happy to do it but I know he won't, he simply says that things have changed and he can't force his feelings for me, which is pathetic, because not for 5 minutes do I feel that he doesn't have feelings for me, he does, he looks after me to a certain degree, he just seems so affraid that he's shut himself out, but I am struggling being on my own during this pregnancy. I need him!
TishTash I have a lot of sympathy for you, but you do need to realise that there are two of you in this pregnancy (despite us women being the only ones who suffer the physical bit!) and he is feeling equally, if not more, emotional about it all.
As scary as it is, you need to be the more grown up one here, tell him you'll give him his space and his time, but you'd like him to talk to you about his fears and worries. You CANNOT force this, or you will scare him off.
He is probably also feeling a great lack of control - you do all the physical stuff, which some men struggle to come to terms with when they are used to the idea of being a "provider".
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