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Visitors....

(52 Posts)
xmasevebundle Tue 30-Oct-12 23:26:12

This is my first i have only asked my mum and dad to come up, my mum will be present if i get a c-section. I have 2 brothers, i dont even want them to come up either.

A few people will want to meet DS, i dont want anyone coming up. No pictures on FB either.

One of my mum friends has done a lot. Problem is she over stays the welcome, you hint and hint she still stays, her son makes me un easy always looking at me and my booby area! I feel so sad as they will, turn up unannouced when i come home.

Also have a serious issues with people holding him(dropping him etc)and germs.

Am i being abit OTT?

Who came up to vist or is coming?

Kelbells Wed 31-Oct-12 04:48:01

I've just had my first DS 2 weeks ago and reading the threads here I was preparing to batten down the hatches and ask everyone politely where to go!

When it happened though I found that I was coping better than expected and was actively doing the visiting as well as being visited! I may well be in the minority though! grin

I must say I did have to odd person who overstayed their welcome, I would have to bite the bullet and tell them I hadn't eaten/slept or the baby had to eat and would they excuse me.... Others, I used the opportunity to get some practice breast feeding 'in public', it made it a bit easier before I did so in actual public!

My only real issue was my in laws who stayed for 5 bloody hours a few days after the birth expecting to be waited on hand and foot - I find them hard enough work when I'm rested and relaxed!... But that wasn't a surprise and I couldn't have stopped them making the trip to see their firstborn's DS!! (I made an excuse to feed the baby and have a sleep in the bedroom for an hour midway, leaving dH to deal with them!)

In essence, I'd say, play it by ear and see how you feel after the birth, you're not under any obligation, you may want to hibernate sleeping/ staring at your dc for the first week or you might be desperate to show them off.... Be selfish, don't be afraid of telling people to back off and make an appointment in a month/ make their own coffee/ leave because you need to sleep, I've found a lot of people don't 'think' or have 'forgotten' how hard the first few weeks are in their excitement to see you all but are really understanding when you remind them grin.... And if they don't... Sod them!! gringrin

Kelbells Wed 31-Oct-12 04:52:43

Oh, and when it comes to holding, I found that a lot of people are petrified of holding newborns - so quite a few didn't want to and were happy to stare from a distance.... I keep a bottle of alcohol gel with me for people to use before cuddles and make a point of asking if they're ill when I 'book' them in! My dsil had an issue with lots of colds/coughs coming into her house, It's amazing how many don't think it's a problem!!

cupcake78 Wed 31-Oct-12 06:40:32

We booked people in for specific times. We had to as I have a huge 'overexcited' family.

They were given time slots to fit in around us from the day ds was born. We explained this before baby came along. We also made it known that others were coming in an hr and we needed rest/to change or feed baby or ourselves. We didn't answer the phone and we locked the front door.

If people stayed longer than intended I find if you collect tea and coffee cups take them into the kitchen. Both you and dh stand up together (assuming you can) and say 'well it was so lovely of you to come, thankyou for making the effort' and just smile at them from then on while one of you makes your way to the exiting door.

If they still don't get it, say things like, we are so tired I think we'll go and have a sleep ourselves now.

It's not rude it's just direct grin

xmasevebundle Wed 31-Oct-12 08:07:49

Wow! After the baby i could become a very 'blunt! lol!

I think both her and her son would want to hold him. Think its more my issues, gone through so much for him and shit pregnancy i am just fearful he will get hurt!

My mum said we will go into lockdown, curtains closed etc. Like a prisoner in your own home.

Our hospital is turns a blind eye is you stay and extra hour or so, they are really nice.

Im a single parent, im not with the babys father so i get all him to myself grin

I do want people to meet him, i just want to get into the swings of things before everyone comes and jumps in. I still dont think im going to be a mum with 6 weeks to go.... blush

Tips and 'ways of the overstayers' are great thanks grin

Panzee Wed 31-Oct-12 08:20:03

I got people to visit while I was in hospital. They didn't stay long (not much room, short visiting hours) and didn't bother coming to the house after that. Result! grin

flossy101 Wed 31-Oct-12 08:23:35

I have to say I was prepared to hate having so many visitors. But when baby arrived I found I was coping ok and we were so excited and happy I loved having a full busy house and lots of visitors to show him off too. smile

Meglet Wed 31-Oct-12 08:59:45

I'm afraid I did hate having visitors after I had my c-sections. First time around I didn't know better and everyone invaded leaving me miserable and feeling vulberable. I was trying to feed + express and keep on top of my pain and bleeding but didn't have any time to myself to do it. I'm still very a bit upset 6yrs on.

Second time (planned cs) I banned everyone, I was beyond caring what they thought as my priorities were to recover and feed DD. It was so much better, my then DP's family didn't even turn up for 2 weeks smile. My family helped with my eldest but they left me and DD alone. We just vegged out on the sofa together in pj's.

Now I've had DC's I can't understand why people need to visit, I really can't. New parents need quiet and the mum needs time to recover. It's bit of a sore point with me I'm afraid.

I'd put your foot down and say no visitors until you feel ok, whether that's 3 days or 3 weeks (or more).

Rockchick1984 Wed 31-Oct-12 09:06:38

I loved having people round after having DS! Although I'm naturally the sort of person to speak my mind, so if I got a call asking if someone could pop round I told them what to bring with them (cake, teabags, bottle of juice etc - whatever I was running low on) and when they arrived I'd tell them to help themselves to a brew, and did they fancy making me one while they were up?

Only had one negative reaction to this (father in law) who asked if I was struggling to host visitors hmm so I just pointed out that I'd just had internal and external stitches, and running around after a baby was causing me enough problems - he didn't have to make a brew if he didn't want one smile

Oh, and if there's someone you don't want to see, go to bed and let your mum deal with them! With a newborn you take sleep when you can get it, if that happens to be at a time where someone is round then you still need the sleep!

cupcake78 Wed 31-Oct-12 09:13:27

This time people can come and visit me if they, make their own tea (and mine) bring cake or meals for us. They will all be given chores so I don't end up running round like a blue arsed fly while they get snuggles.

And ds must be played with and fussed over just as much as baby!

Any grouchy behaviour from me will be down to hormones or lack of sleep grin

The benefit of experience grin

mameulah Wed 31-Oct-12 09:25:43

OP I feel exactly the same way that you do. I totally understand. What about sticking a note on the front door that says something like 'Babymoon in progress, please do not disturb!' That way, if you choose to let them in, you are already doing them a favour and you can say something like 'just for five minutes...' and not even bother making them a cup of tea.

Luckyxstar Wed 31-Oct-12 11:12:34

You will be surprised at how you will feel when baby is here. You will want to show them off for sure. I didnt want any visitors after baby but we ended up having a visitor every day for about a week and it was all good.
Just see how it goes.

xmasevebundle Wed 31-Oct-12 13:59:21

I want to show him off! Everyone loves cute little babys.

Mum friends keeps on ringing she has stuff for him, in other words can we come over and stay for hours. If i do get a c-section i have told my mum its not be spoken to anyone about only her me and dad. I dont like the oh good luck, can wait to meet him type. Drives me up the wall!!!! I dont like people coming around as i cant laze around in pjs!

I have told my mum only you and dad everyone else can 'fucking' wait(i was stressy too so it was more in that tone of voice grin )

Im due christmas eve and if i get my c-section he will be here a week early. I dont offer no-one drinks when they come unnanouced i dont care if thats rude or NOT!

I am glad some feel the same way and its just not me....

halloweeneyqueeney Wed 31-Oct-12 14:09:02

you may well regret it if you state your intentions re visitors in advance. I had a CS, I said in advance that we would want time to ourselves before visitors and people were to wait

I REALLY regretted it, I did a 180 when the baby was born and was desperate for him to be adored and visited and welcomed by friends and family.. but lots of people respected the orders I gave them when pregnant and planned visits for a couple of weeks time instead. In my hormonal state I felt they were rejecting my newborn even though I knew they were just following my orders

do not set anything in stone, you do NOT know how you will feel, you change the second you have the baby

cece Wed 31-Oct-12 14:15:37

I was really upset when no one visited me for the first week I left hospital. They were all being nice and letting me adjust but all I wanted was lots of visitors so I could show him off!

curiousgeorgie Wed 31-Oct-12 14:22:05

I loved having visitors... We had friends and family popping by from the day I got home (after c section) and for ages afterwards.

They all sort of knew not to stay too long, all helped out, made me feel like a star, made everyday feel like another celebration

I don't get the visitor hate I read on here.

What could possibly be bad about a friend or relative coming round with a present and telling you that your baby is cute??! grin

mameulah Wed 31-Oct-12 15:16:10

Curiousgeorgie

It depends on the friend or the relative!

Dogsmom Wed 31-Oct-12 15:45:27

I don't want visitors but then I'm antisocial at all times, I love going out but really aren't into entertaining at home and have been feeling so protective over her even though she's not due until Spring.

I've even told people that they wont even know I'm in labour, it's not gone down to well with parents and inlaws but tough, the last thing I want is the thought of people pacing around wondering if she's here yet or even worse pestering DH with texts for updates, plus I want a few hours of just me, DH and our daughter to cuddle up and get to know her, the last thing I want is for visitors to appear 10 minutes after she's born.

I know we can't ban visitors altogether but we've decided to let both sets of parents visit at home then for the extended family we'll take her to each set for an afternoon and whoever wants to visit there can, this way I can either stay at home and send DH or if I do go it's up to us how long we're out and wont have the awkward 'please bugger off home' feeling.

xmasevebundle Wed 31-Oct-12 16:10:41

I will see what i am like when hes born but after the c-section i think i will just want rest and cuddles.

I agree, depends on who it is!

Dogsmom, i think the same, pestering. Its very exciting for everyone grandparents,partners family memebers some get to much in your face and want to be there as soon as the head pops out it seems!

halloweeneyqueeney Wed 31-Oct-12 19:39:48

I think it was BECAUSE I had a CS birth that I wanted visitors so much, you spend longer in hospital which made me desperate for a bit of normality and familiar faces from the outside world. I had to get my mum to go and undo some as much of my prior "orders" as she could so that some people then did timidly come and see me and the baby

ItsMyLastOne Wed 31-Oct-12 21:32:06

I was driven absolutely up the wall with a seemingly revolving front door after DD was born. I'd been in hospital for a week (because DD wasn't putting on weight, not because of CS or anything) and hated that everyone and their dog seemed to be allowed to come and see me there. Then they were coming from as soon as we got home and were expecting us to wait on them! DD was the first grandchild so that was obviously a lot to do with it, and I seriously hope it's not the same this time.

I made a point of not doing the same when my SIL had a baby. I arranged when we would go round, told them they could tell us last minute if it wasn't a good time, made them tea, did washing up and left after no more than an hour each time we went round.

This time I intend to tell everyone they need to ASK (not tell) us when they want to come round, tell them I don't want them here for longer than an hour, no one here after 7.30 maybe (DD also needs to keep her routine), no one is to expect dinner made for them. I honestly feel like after last time I won't be too fussed about telling people outright when they need to leave as well. However, where possible, I will prefer to meet people elsewhere so I can decide when to leave rather than waiting for them to leave.
Oh and no one is to expect to sit in the delivery room while I'm being sewn up (yes that really DID happen)!

mameulah Wed 31-Oct-12 22:06:02

Itsmylastone

I am HORRIFIED to hear that someone sat in the delivery room while you were being sewn up. That is unbelievable. If you are even talking to that person now then you are far nice than me!!!

hopeful92 Thu 01-Nov-12 08:49:09

To be fair, I bet you have been the visitor wanting to see the newborn at one time or another! People will only be asked to wash their hands if they have snoked or have got a cold, other than that you cannot wrap your baby in a bubble from germs they need to build an immune system. Perhaps when people phone tell them you are both very tired and they are welcome to come see the baby but not for too long. As for your mums friend, isn't it a bit selfish/cruel to say yeah by all means do loads for me while i am pregnant but as soon as the baby comes you arent welcome, you've done the crappy bits but you can't enjoy the end result?

Apogies if my post ia blunt - hormonal!!

mameulah Thu 01-Nov-12 08:59:21

hopeful92

I see your point, and I can't speak for the others, but I have never gone near anyone with a newborn. In fact if I have a fault it would be not going to see the baby until it is at least a few months old and therefore risking looking like a disinterested friend.

I am quite a private person and I find it really difficult when people are intrusive, it makes me feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I haven't always been like that but if there are people who are in your social circle and family who have 'right' to see the baby but ordinarily you wouldn't be friends with them then I really can see why the OP would feel threatened.

ItsMyLastOne Thu 01-Nov-12 09:57:08

mameulah It was DP's parents! I should have known how much they'd drive me mad from then on. hmm The doctor who was sewing me up had to ask them to leave, so they veeerrrryyyy sllllooooowwwwwllllyyyy got up and went to walk out holding my baby! shock She had to tell them they couldn't take her with them. They knocked on the door several times asking if we were done. Then came back in and stayed as the mwa tried to get me out of bed to go to the loo. I only had a short top on, no knickers and blood was pouring from me! Unsurprisingly, they were the worst offenders for overstaying their welcome when we got home and expecting dinner and drinks made for them!

hopeful I agree that the cleanliness might be a little OTT. But then maybe I'm wrong as I wasn't like that with insisting people washed their hands all the time and used gel, and my DD spent the first 6 months of her life with a constant stream of illnesses.
I would also assume most people don't mean the want no visitors ever, it's more people assuming they can stay for an indefinite amount of time. And I certainly wouldn't want the son the OP mentioned staring at my boobs as I tried to feed a newborn!

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