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no support from my own mother...

(20 Posts)
Lollylau Tue 23-Oct-12 17:24:13

Hi Ladies, im a 23 year old mum to be and couldn't be happier, myself and my fiancé broke the news to his parents a few weeks ago and they couldnt be happier, we then invited my mother over to tell her the news and i was very shocked at her reaction. She said that we are stupid and irresponsible and that if i maybe lost the baby it would be doing it a favour, as you could imagine this broke mine and my partners hearts. myself and my partner are more than ready for a baby we both have very well paid jobs a lovely home/big garden and a car. im just confused for why she would say this? i am an only child, is she scared for me or just being totally unreasonable and selfish. Could somebody maybe give me some advice on what to do.

Thanks Laura x smile

Dannilion Tue 23-Oct-12 17:51:42

Maybe it's the sudden realisation that her little baby isn't a little baby anymore and she just didn't quite know how to deal with those emotions. Don't mean to sound patronising - we're the same age and my mum frequently flies off the handle!

I would just give her some time to get her head round the idea and let her call you when she's ready. Don't fret about it or let it spoil your great news either smile

Oh, and congratulations! x

NoTeaForMe Tue 23-Oct-12 17:51:47

Oh dear! I don't really have any advice but didn't want you to be left unanswered! Have you and your mom had a good relationship before this? Does she get on well with your fiancé? Were her comments totally unexpected?

Just be pleased, you have your fiancé and his parents, hopefully she'll come round in time?

Dogsmom Tue 23-Oct-12 17:55:18

What a horrible thing to say, that her grandchild would be better off dead shock

I'm much more unforgiving and I'd have nothing more to do with her, it's her loss and you, your fiance and baby will have a wonderful life together.

I can understand a parent worrying but what she said is simply vicious.

LillyofWinchester Tue 23-Oct-12 17:57:23

Maybe her reaction is to do more with her own experiences? Does she wish she'd had children later for example? I would give her time and space and perhaps once she sees you two getting on with things and being so happy she'll come round. Try not to let her reaction spoil your happiness, just carry on & review the situation in a couple of months time when she has got used to the idea.

mummy2benji Tue 23-Oct-12 18:00:12

Oh my. I hope that was her simply letting out her initial reaction and that when she has time to process the news she will realise how unreasonable and inappropriate that reaction was. Maybe because you're young she hasn't yet got used to you as being a proper grown-up - your being pregnant is maybe a shock realisation to her that actually, you aren't her little baby girl anymore. Maybe her own age when she fell pregnant is a factor? Maybe she has strong opinions about how old you should be before having children? Whatever her reasons for the way she reacted, it was entirely unfair and I totally understand your being hurt and shocked. My mum has a habit of saying the inappropriate, too - you've still got quite a saggy belly, haven't you 5 months after ds was born... despite the fact that I lost all my baby weight within 9 months and was back to a size 10, so I can't have been that huge. I was really annoyed and hurt by her saying such an unnecessary thing, but in the end just ignored it. If I were you I wouldn't even get into an argument about it - hopefully if you just wait, she'll change her thinking and be suitably ashamed of herself and apologise to you. hugs and CONGRATULATIONS!!! Don't let it spoil such an exciting tme for you! smile x

AlisonDB Tue 23-Oct-12 18:43:04

1st , Massive Congratulations to you an your DP!!! It's wonderful news!!! :-)

2nd WOW!!!!
What a horrid, hurtful, and wicked comment for your mum to come out with!
I don't think I would be in any hurry to phone her or make contact with her, and the next time I did speak with her i think I would have to say something to her about how upset you both where by her comments!

does she usually come out with such nasty comments??
does she like your DP? (Not that this matters)
Do you live with DP?
Surely she didn't think you slept in separate beds/rooms etc....
You don't mention your dad, is he happy with your news, could he speak with your mum on your behalf and tell her how awful shes been?
or is he not around anymore?

Not sure what else to say but you are totally justified in being upset/angry with your mum.
It's her loss, you have a wonderful new life to look forward to with you, DP & Baby,
Try not to get too upset/stressed about it as its not good for you or LO

Dandelion75 Tue 23-Oct-12 19:01:27

Lots of congrats lolly - it's soooo exciting when you find it you are pg and you get to tell your nearest and dearest! What a shame your mum reacted so strangely - poor you. It must have really taken the shine off your exciting news.

In my (very limited 16 week long!) experience of being pregnant, now is not the time to worry about what other people think or feel. You need to stay relaxed, and focussed on you, your DP and your growing LO. Your mum will come round in time when she realises what she is missing out on and could be sharing with you. And if she doesn't it really will be her loss far more than yours. Don't let it spoil your wonderful news smile

kellestar Tue 23-Oct-12 19:30:48

congratulations! thanks

Sorry to hear your mum's response. I have a little bit of a toxic relationship with mine and when expecting my first at 29 she told me I'd never cope, I'm 14 weeks with DC2 and she said Oh no not again. Everyone else was excited though, it didn't make up for her attitude. She was most unhelpful through the pg and after. She treats DD as a trophy, but can't be bothered to play with her, yet is happy to show her off to friends and her family [very toxic and I avoid at all costs]. My Dad however couldn't have been happier when we told them, he cried, he was so proud and excited. Just as happy about having another GC. They are still a couple, when DD visits, Dad plays, Mum ignores her. I am not an only child, but we've never been that close.

I hope she comes around and realises she's being daft. Best advice I can give is keep her involved, call her and update her as your pregnancy progresses, invite her shopping for some baby stuff, show her your scan picks. I have with mine, you've then put the ball in her court. Up to her to decide how involved she is.

Are you normally quite close with your mum? She might be upset that you kept it quiet so long or didn't tell her you were planning a family. I know some only children that have gone on to have husbands/children and it's been hard on the mum who was very close with their child.

Lollylau Wed 24-Oct-12 00:00:14

I would just like to say a massive thank you to all of you who responded to my post today! I have read each feed back and taken all into account its so help full! Myself and my mother where very close but have not seen eye to eye from when I was 16 up wards, she had me at just 16years old and maybe this is what has affected her. I have come to terms that I don't really need her it just would of been nice to have her moral support and some guidance throughout my pg without going into a huge life story my farther left when I was 5 so shes pretty much all I have had, she has had countless violent relationships through when I was growing up more than likely this would of affected her also, my partner is the most least violent person in the world I am so lucky to have him and maybe my mothger is jelous. But from reading what you lovely ladies have put this is my time to enjoy my pregnancy and relax which I must learn to do! Only 8 more months to go let the fun begin! Thanks again all much love lolly xx

Jess8080 Wed 24-Oct-12 08:45:09

It's hard when your own mother doesn't seem to share the same excitement and show the support that you feel should be given as her daughter. it might help to understand each other better by telling her what you expect eg that this is an important event in your life and would like her to be part of the joy that you are feeling.
Also maybe let her know how it made you feel when she reacted in such a way. She might be able to share what she was experiencing when you told her your good news. Hopefully you can work together to build this bridge again. Best of luck

Rowanhart Wed 24-Oct-12 09:06:15

I'm also an only child of a single mum and DM was really weird about us having a baby, and I'm 31!

She spent ages when we first started thinking about it saying that having a child wasn't for everyone, that I wasn't thinking it through, that ain't wasn't listening to her, that she didnt think I was physically strong enough and that we may split up due to the emotional strain.

When we became pregnant she got upset that she didn't know we were TTC and wasn't consulted hmm

DD due in 3 weeks and now she's like super gran. Tells everyone how she's so excited and has volunteered to retire and do child care for free.

I honestly think she was just freaked that she finally had to accept I wasn't a little orl any more. (she does chuck in the odd but you'll still be my child remark. Which actually is quite nice. I won't suddenly stop being cherished because I'm a mum!)

lookingfoxy Wed 24-Oct-12 09:18:12

My mum is exactly the same or at least she was when I told her about ds1 now 7. Im pregnant again and totally dreading telling her because ofher attitude, its really casting a cloud over the full thing. Im going to be 37 next month as well !

Lollylau Wed 24-Oct-12 10:46:28

hello lookingfoxy! im glad im not alone on this one, we shouldn't have to be dreading telling our mothers such amazing news but i don't no if your like me but im terrified of mine and she will say. so now as awful as it sounds i leave her to her own expenses and remember its there loss not ours, in all of this though it has made me increadibly strong and way more stonger than my mum will ever be! just hold your head up high and be proud because im sure you are an amazing mother yourself smile congrats also!!!!!

RileyLeeHargreaves2012 Wed 24-Oct-12 17:54:32

I found out when I was 17 my mum was so supportive! I couldnt.forgive her if she said what your mum said to me, sorry to hear about that sad. My "friend" said to me she hopes I loose my baby when i was aroun 12 weeks, I lost my baby boy 11 weeks later at 23 weeks in April. I see that girl everyday and she still thinka she hasnt done anything wrong! But i dont give her the satisfaction :-). I'm still with my boyfriend and had another mc in august at 18. Decided no more trying!

Anyway CONGRATULATIONS! You have your partner by your side, enjoy every second and you hqve an excuse to eat what ever you want when you want :-P

Dogsmom Wed 24-Oct-12 19:00:59

Maybe like you say she is jealous after having you so young and then a string of violent guys but personally i think that should make her even more proud of you that you have found yourself a good guy and haven't become a teenage Mum yourself, yes 23 is youngish but you certainly aren't too young to become a Mum.

I do get on with my Mum but she can be pretty toxic & hurtful and although she's thrilled I'm pregnant she's unknowingly given me many lessons about how not to treat a child and so in a perverse way I've learnt quite a lot about how to be a good mother from her by making sure I'm nothing like her.

colditz Wed 24-Oct-12 19:07:21

I was twenty two and my mother went frickin MENTAL.

And I hate to say this, but that was ten years ago and she couldn't really be any less interested.

Cosy up to your mother in law, you might get at least one decent granny out of the arrangement.

surfingbabies Thu 25-Oct-12 13:43:53

Fear not mother reacted exactly the same when I was 22 with my first, I'm now 30 weeks with number 4. She's been there for all the births & will be there this time! We're not overly close but we do talk and get on fine, she actually asked me if I'd like her to book me into a clinic!! I asked her years on why she acted like this but I got no answer, my dad said it was shock as she bragged to everyone and when my 1st DD arrived I couldn't get rid of her smile
To this day she reacts funny about all of my pregnancies and I just think she's scared for me and now I have my own DDs I think I'd be the same as we all hate seeing our children in pain! She cried when I'd had my first twin while we were waiting for the 2nd one as she wanted to do it for me smile
She'll be fine, keep her in the loop as she'll be so worried about you.....I know its hard to when she's reacted in this way but she loves you unconditionally and you won't know how much until you hold this baby in your arms smile
Good luck xx

panicnotanymore Thu 25-Oct-12 18:46:29

Ah, I've just done the maths..... do you think it could be something to do with your mum facing her 40th and becoming a granny at the same time? Some women find the whole 40th birthday threshold thing quite a difficult thing to face up to, and becoming a granny so young is also a bit difficult to swallow. She probably still thinks of herself as young and attractive, and now she has a bit of a double whammy to deal with.

I'm facing 40 and about to become a first time mum. I'm not quite sure how I'd feel about being a granny right now. Probably not great, happy but a bit sad iyswim.

Give her time.

Jess8080 Thu 25-Oct-12 18:49:49

I remember when I told my mother about this pregnancy. She told me that I wasn't bring careful. I'm in my early 30's. there are three of us, one brother, one sister and me. She had my brother at the age of 43. Pretty funny if you think about it. I have definitely learnt about parenting from her. What to do and especially what not to do. It's been a long time since we've seen eye to eye but she is still my mother and I love her like crazy even at times she drives me crazy. I try to remember that she learnt her parenting skills from her mum and so forth not from reading books that has been researched by health professionals. I'm pretty sure she felt that her own mother has acted obscurely as a parent in some ways. I am also definite that I will also make my children feel this too but if I realise what I'm doing I will definitely try to explain and avert the situation. I know that I
will also have some glitches in my parenting skills as I notice then now but I like to think I'm an updated version of my mother. Hopefully you can get past this obstacle and share great memories in the future again smile

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