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Pregnant and have a career, can't tell boyfriend

(83 Posts)
Serenahunnie Sun 21-Oct-12 06:18:40

Im 33 and have a career worked hard for years to have. Been with my boyfriend who is love of my life for 10 months we dared off and on for 3 months before that. Upset that I'm pregnant as worried I'm about to destroy both our lives. We spent 4 weeks back Packing round china this summer next year we planned to do sand in south america. I'm about to ruin everything. I can't tell him, feel like I'm destroying his dreams. So scared don't know what to do. I know my family would love us up gave kids. Feel like my career would be over. I have told a friend I can trust. She told me not to tell him and have an abortion. I can't do that though. Although I do feel I can't win now whatever I do... Please please someone help give me some advice laid here crying can't sleep.

sleeplessinsuburbia Sun 21-Oct-12 06:30:58

If you are worried your life will be over don't be. I have continued my career and travelled extensively with young children/babies, it was fun and I was glad to have memories with them. Your life will change but it doesn't have to be ruined! Just discuss it with him, what do you think his response will be? If you had unprotected sex he won't be entirely surprised.

Tiredtrout Sun 21-Oct-12 06:38:48

Your life and your career aren't ruined. How far along are you? You don't have to tell work for ages unless you do something that could put you at risk. A lot of pg women and mums have careers and its ok just different. There's nothing to stop you travelling with a baby either you just have to plan things a bit. You sound like you've decided you're keeping it so its just a matter of telling him, but the advice from your friend is bad a secret termination would cause awful problems in a relationship. These things get out and he did help you get this way

10storeylovesong Sun 21-Oct-12 07:38:21

Just to echo what the others have said - you can have a career and children. Alright it's not easy, but it's possible. And with regards to travelling, one of the girls in my office is off to Cambodia with her dh and 11 month dd and one of the lads is off to New Zealand for a month at Xmas with his ds who will be 8 months at time.

How old is your boyfriend? Is he working? Do you live together? I agree you need to speak to him about this. I fear secrets could ruin your relationship - and he might surprise you!!

WantAnOrange Sun 21-Oct-12 07:51:50

How about a different perspective? My children are my motivation to have a good career (to provide well for them and set a good example). I'm not interested in travelling but have taken my children on holiday so they can have those great experiences.

Your life will be very different, but not bad.

You need to talk to your boyfriend and make a decision together that is right for you both.

cupcake78 Sun 21-Oct-12 08:00:18

Agree with the others also just like to point out you didn't get pregnant on your own! I believe he may have been equally responsible.

This is a lovely thing that is happening and doesn't mean the end of everything you know.

ArthurShappey Sun 21-Oct-12 08:03:11

You need to talk to him. Please don't have an abortion without discussing it through with him first, you say he's the love of your life, so you need to trust him. I think if you kept this secret it would eat you up and potentially destroy your relationship.

I have a son and a career, I have and still do travel extensively. Of course life changes when you have children but it doesn't have to stop you doing the things you love and enjoy.

SummerRain Sun 21-Oct-12 08:06:17

Having children van be the greatest motivation to do more with your life. Children, especially just one child, certainly won't stop you progressing in your career or travelling the world. Children do however give you experiences more wonderful than any holiday or promotion ever will.

Tell him, he may surprise you. And if not at least you'll be able yo make a decision with all the facts available.

Marcheline Sun 21-Oct-12 08:32:21

Hi Serena. I really feel for you, it must have been a huge shock to find out that you're pregnant.

Please, please talk to your boyfriend, if he is the love of your life then hopefully he will be incredibly supportive (whichever choice you make) and it would probably be really helpful to have the emotional support.

To be honest, I had DD when I was 10 years younger than you, hadn't done the travelling that I'd wanted to and hadn't been in my career for long enough. It wasn't the best decision I ever made but she is the light of my life and I can't wait to take her and DD2 (who will hopefully be born in Feb) travelling when they are older. I have finally found my career-feet and it is going to be hard work, but i agree with others that children are a huge motivator to push yourself.

That said, if you do decide that you don't want a baby, it is totally understandable. Please do share this with your boyfriend though, you will need his support because abortions can be very painful (emotionally and physically - although I do know some women that had them and never gave it a second thought, it's just such an incredibly personal experience).

Good luck xx

Dededum Sun 21-Oct-12 08:43:48

I have two boys and have also had an abortion. Both decisions are ok but you do need to speak to your boyfriend. He does need to know and be a part of your decision making. Though saying that it is your decision and the worse possible thing would be to make a decision to proceed or abort because that is what he wants to do.

Before my abortion I did forgive myself and though the date of the procedure makes me reflect, it was the right decision at the time.

Good luck.

Marcheline Sun 21-Oct-12 08:45:04

Sorry, just read that through and realised that me saying DD wasn't the best decision sounds awful! I meant that we were actively trying to have a baby (temp charts, ovulation sticks etc etc) and I think it wouldn't have hurt to have given it a few years before so desperately trying to conceive. Once I had conceived, we were over the moon and she is absolutely the best thing in my life, I don't regret her for a second.

This is a very hard topic to write subjectively on, am sure I have been next to no help but just wanted to say three things - that children + adult life can be done, if you want to, that children are utterly wonderful (and exhausting, but mainly wonderful!) but that if you really don't want to continue the pregnancy, that is also fine.

I hope some of that helps, so sorry for great big posts.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 21-Oct-12 08:52:17

The same thing happened to me, OP, it was a dreadful shock and took me entire pregnancy to get used to the idea, but you must tell him. I felt resentful that i had found the love of my life and had to start sharing him....i too felt like id ruined his life. But you cant guess reactions, my boyfriend's response was to get down on knee and we are now expecting number two.

We too were adventurous free spirited types and had a very interesting life for the past four years travelling around, only returned to the uk now as it felt like the right time. Good luck.

Serenahunnie Sun 21-Oct-12 09:17:28

Thank you so much for your messages any opinions help at this point because I just feel like I really want to talk to someone who doesn't have an opinion either way but understands. I feel on my own with it all. I'm scared I'm going to hurt him by saying I want to keep it, I don't have ethical views against abortion by any means but i don't think I could do it and not feel awful for years after. Also work and our lifestyle Is important to us and whenever I see other parents they seemed tied down with it all. But the comments above have really made me think that doesn't have to be the case which is great and cheered me up a little. Missed my first period last week so very early on haven't had official test at doctors yet but done 4 home pregnancy tests. We live together and he has a good job also so we are in a better position then a lot of people who conceive. Also aware for many women this is there dream to get pregnant. Really hate to sound ungrateful for it, hope I haven't come across that way. Does anyone have any ideas how I tell him? What to say? Where to do it? Really hard even forming the words out loud

Serenahunnie Sun 21-Oct-12 09:20:06

Meant to say I need to talk to someone who doesn't have any strong emotional option either way. My mums opinion would be one. I emotional baggage to have a grandchild no matter how muh it effects me.

PotteringAlong Sun 21-Oct-12 09:25:00

As a practical note rather than anything else, there are no 'official' pregnancy tests at the doctors, they just take your word for it!

I think blurting it out is ok - but you need to tell him. He might surprise you.

helpyourself Sun 21-Oct-12 09:32:45

What do you want? You've only told us about his needs and feelings. Do you even know what you feel about this?

jenesaispas Sun 21-Oct-12 09:44:37

Do you think you would like children eventually?

I only ask because I was in a similar situation to you, and one of my concerns was that if I had a termination, I may not be able to have children when I wanted to. (I went ahead with the pregnancy and it was the best thing for me).

From someone who has come out the other side, I don't think that anyone would regret having a baby, but you may well regret not doing so. I do appreciate that it is easy to say that now though.

Good luck, talk to your boyfriend, and I hope it works out for you.

Serenahunnie Sun 21-Oct-12 09:45:13

I think I want to keep it. But not sure and don't want to loose my boyfriend. Really need his support desperately. I wouldn't want a child in the world with devastated parents at the sight or sound of him or her...

MaryPoppinsBag Sun 21-Oct-12 09:53:00

Why do you think you would lose him if you kept your baby? Has he said this?

Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone, who I didn't feel would support me.

Dededum Sun 21-Oct-12 09:55:47

You need counselling and the doctor can help you with that.

If you like your career then you will make it work. I think it is tougher to be torn between baby and a job you don't like. I know loads of lawyers who hated their jobs and getting pregnant was the reason they needed to leave.

BUT I also know loads of mums who like their jobs who have made it work by part time working, nanny, childminders, GP's etc..

Sleepwhenidie Sun 21-Oct-12 10:08:29

I would echo what serena said. You seem to be focussing much more on other people's wants and needs rather than your own.think hard about what you really want, if possible before you tell bf.

I accidentally fell pg after only 3m with DH, I was also in a high flying job in the City. Big shock and our initial reaction was to terminate, but after about a week of thinking about it we both realised it could actually be a really good thing. We felt sure about each other (as you possibly can after 3m!) and confident we would one day want children together, so the reasons for waiting suddenly seemed less significant, added to that "what if" feeling that jenesaispas said, when you do decide it is the right time, it just doesn't happen....how important would travel etc seem then? If still important then fair enough, a termination may be the right thing.

Good luck, let us know his reaction!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Sun 21-Oct-12 10:26:05

It must be a huge shock but you are in an excellent position compared to many people. One thing I am convinced of is that there is no 'right time' to have a baby! Your career is not over, children love travelling and your boyfriend may well be hugely excited smile

As for how to tell him, get him alone, say you need to have a serious conversation and then just say it. Then work it through together. It's his baby too!

RancerDoo Sun 21-Oct-12 10:31:48

Your career won't be over unless you want it to be.
It is hard to have a child and a career, but totally do-able, if you set things up right.
The first hurdle is to tell your boyfriend. He may be happy about this. Travelling is great, but having a baby is a massive adventure.

You need to tell him so you know where he stands and can plan accordingly. Just blurt it out!

Zorra Sun 21-Oct-12 12:44:46

YY to telling him, and to the idea that it can work. I found myself pregnant after being with my partner for four months: I was living overseas in a very high profile job for which I sacrificed a lot along the way. My relationship didn't really work out, and there are no guarantees on this one (well, for any of us!). But I knew that there was a chance I'd have to raise DC by myself, and I was prepared to accept this.

My DS is wonderful: he's three, and has lived with me in various different countries for work, and always been great smile I chose to take a break from my work and did a Masters degree during his first year, then found a new part-time job in his second year, and full time work after he was 2.5. It can be done, but of course there are other options. Talk it over with your man, and be kind to yourself.

weegiemum Sun 21-Oct-12 15:56:08

You must be so torn with al this. You have totalk. To him soon to find out wwhere you stand.

As an aside, we backpacked round Central America, mainly Guatemala and Honduras, with a 5 year old, 3 year old (who was still in nappies) and an 18 month old, who was obviously in nappies and was also being breastfed. Those 3 weeks were just amazing, I'd do it again tomorrow (and it might be even better then as they're 8,10 and 12, and I speak much better Spanish now!).

It opened up a totally new part of the experience for us all, I'll never forget sitting on the steps of the Cathedral in Antigua Guatemala, while indigenous women tried out my bushbaby back carrier and they taught me how to tie a sling their way.

Children don't have to stop you following your dreams and plans, you just have to be a little bit more creative! Take the pace slower, enjoy the ride.

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