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Gender disappointment (from others)

(20 Posts)
RubyrooUK Fri 19-Oct-12 19:42:12

I need some advice. I posted in WWYD but my stupid phone lost the thread title. Attempt two...

I have one lovely two year old DS. We have just found out at our 19 week scan that we are having DS2!

I am so thrilled I can hardly breathe. Having one small male love of my life, the idea of another is amazing. My DH feels totally the same. We would have been equally excited about a girl, but we think you make people - not genders - so just are so so so happy that we have got the chance to hopefully have two children.

The issue is other people. My inlaws have two grandsons already and my MIL told me she was so hopeful this would be a girl. (She has three sons and one daughter, who was much celebrated.) When her other son had a boy as well as us, she said she hoped maybe her daughter would have a girl. And she said she was jealous of her own SIL for having girl grandkids. I never doubt she adores our son, by the way, or his cousin, she's a lovely devoted granny, but this sort of thing upsets me. :-(

My mum will be an adoring granny too, is obsessed with my son and has a very close relationship with my brother. But she says she loves having a daughter and would hate me to miss out on that too. So not being anti-boys, but definitely rooting for a girl.

My friends are the same. Two close friends have boys already and have just had girls and are openly going on about how this has completed their family and how special it is to have girls. People keep going on and on about me having a girl - even friends who only have one boy!

(Some friends have two boys say sets of brothers are fabulous, to be fair and will be delighted I am joining their ranks.)

Anyway, I am a bit pregnant and emotional. I feel so thrilled about our little DS2 and so filled with love and excitement. It took me three years to have DS1 and it was once said I'd never have kids at all (my mum and friends know this) and have miscarried more than once before so I feel extra emotional and delighted to have the chance for a family like this.

All that has happened this pregnancy is people saying "hope it's a girl this time!" So how can I manage telling family and friends it's a boy without being incredibly hurt by the slightest implication DS2 isn't as good or exciting as a girl? The first thing DH said after we left the scan and we stopped being mentally thrilled was: "Oh god, my mum is going to say she's disappointed - promise not to listen." I am afraid that if anyone is anything less than thrilled, I will totally lose it and never speak to them again.

Has anyone else been here?

Olympicrock Fri 19-Oct-12 19:47:30

No one gets it do they? Having 2 boys is fantastic! I was so relieved when they said I was having a second boy! Perhaps a fall back to 'did you mean to be mean or just thoughtless?' Should stop anyone in their tracks and make them think.congratulations! I adore having two boys and kind of hope for a third!

RubyrooUK Fri 19-Oct-12 20:06:05

Thanks Olympicrock! I would have been equally happy with either gender and I am just on cloud nine now thinking about a lovely second little boy.

Just feel a bit deflated that my joy will not be totally shared....

Kelerina Fri 19-Oct-12 20:11:22

I am having a little boy (21 weeks) and I am thrilled smile

MollyMurphy Fri 19-Oct-12 20:16:57

This is why I paid for a private gender scan. All the grandparents (and my hubby a bit) were pulling for a girl and I wanted them to have time to get over it before our bundle arrived. Sure enough we are having a second beautiful boy so it was money well spent.

I am thrilled. I do feel some pangs about never experiencing a mother daughter relationship and that piece (we only want 2 kids) - but it has nothing to do with wishing this baby was other than he is IYKWIM?

KatyJ26 Fri 19-Oct-12 20:28:49

Congratulations! Wonderful news... when you tell people, start by saying how pleased you are that your DS1 will have a chance to experience having a close relationship with a brother etc etc/don't give them chance to tell you they're disappointed!
I had DD then DS and desperately wanted DC3, people kept asking why, because I 'had one of each!' I feel the same as you though ... you get pregnant because you want a child not because you want a particular gender.

Good luck!

HelenofSparta Fri 19-Oct-12 20:39:17

I have 2DD and pregnant with DC3 and people are forever going on about having a boy and how my DH would like a boy etc etc. I find it all a bit rude. We are v happy with our girls, thank you. We would not be having another if we were worried about another girl!
My (rather smug) cousin who has recently had a DS after DD told me about how she had followed all the 'rules' to get a boy, including diet and asked me if I had done the same!

NAR4 Fri 19-Oct-12 20:47:39

I had 3 boys and then a girl. People do assume that you would like 1 of each and anything else must be a disappointment. Now pregnant with number 5 and most assume it is an accident, because I have my little girl now. I just wanted more children, not a girl or boy.

Like you I found out at my 20 week scan the gender, so I could tell people whilst still pregnant and avoid the sighs of sympathy when I gave birth to another boy.

My mother is obssesed with my daughter and I do find it constantly hurtfull how she now marginalises my boys.

Congratulations. Try to ignore hurtfull comments and enjoy your baby boy.

RubyrooUK Fri 19-Oct-12 22:37:56

Thanks all. Off on holiday tomorrow so DH and I will excitedly start thinking about names we can disagree on.

I do realise that people with only girls get this too. My friend who has two girls is driven mad by people asking when they'll have more kids to get her husband a son. Her husband is perfectly happy with his girls.

I shall just try and express my enthusiasm up front to counteract any negative comments. And maybe I will finally get to use the MN staple "did you mean to be so rude?" smile

theTramp Fri 19-Oct-12 22:44:18

"for many, many years in certain cultures, society often blamed women for not being able to “bear a son.” Now we know that it is the man, with the sperm cell that makes the difference in creating either an XX or XY embryo, who is the one to determine (although unwittingly) the sex of his future offspring." - so it is your hubbys fault. Worth mentioning the genetics of gender before announcing having another son to MIL perhaps? smile

MrsEddChina Fri 19-Oct-12 22:53:03

I'm in a similar situation. My in laws have 3 granddaughters, this will be our first baby and when discussing names, we said our girls choice and father in law said "oh no, we don't want a ..." angry

It's not like anyone has a choice in the outcome and dh and I will be thrilled with a boy or a girl but my fil especially keeps bringing up the fact he would like a boy to the point I will want to smack him if we find out its a girl and he shows a hint of disappointment.

emmyloo2 Sat 20-Oct-12 02:15:27

I am worried about the same thing. I have. DS1 and am wondering if this will be a DS2 or a DD. I don't think there will be any express disappointment from the grandparents but I am sure mine would love a girl. I actually would like a girl because I would love to have the mother daughter relationship. However I also like the idea of two boys....

Mixxy Sat 20-Oct-12 07:22:48

I'm pregnant with my first. My DHs family have all finished having kids and they are all girls. So the pressure for us to have a boy was intense. It's not like they even tried to hide it. I was surprised by how open about their gender bias they were. And the crappy reasons I was given, "Ooh, this will be our last chance to pass on the family name to a male heir". I just kept thinking, " You're not the effing Tudors, you know". Turns out we are expecting a boy. I didn't change my name after marriage. I might just give the boy my family name.

The best thing about enjoying your growing family is that it's YOUR family. Not anyone else's. I hope your DS1 enjoys being a big brother.

MacMac123 Sat 20-Oct-12 09:19:12

This is so annoying. My in laws (DH is one of two brothers) were like this with our DS1 and felt exactly the same as you re our second.
It turns out second due in a few weeks is actually a girl but couldn't help feeling cross and defensive on reading your post as would have got exactly the same if it was a boy and had to endure months of 'you must want a girl' etc before we had the scan.
Frankly DS1 is so lovely how could I have been disappointed with another boy? And like you I'd had a miscarriage and frankly after that awful moment of seeing no heartbeat, all I cared about was the baby being alive. AND I had friends banging on about how having one of each meant their family was now complete and thank god they didnt have to have another (and now neither would I). Just found it ALL so tiresome and I'd love to have another regardless of what I've got.
So just to say people are so opinionated and I share your irritation!!

PandaWatch Sat 20-Oct-12 09:54:16

My parents oldest grandchild is my niece and all the six that followed have been boys. When we told everyone I was pregnant everyone said they hoped it's a girl and I started stressing about letting everyone down if we have a boy!

It's so ridiculous because we don't care either way but it has annoyed me because I feel like, even though I know that my family would love the baby either way, they're already made it clear that another boy would be a bit disappointing!

It's amazing how thoughtless people can be sometimes!

JasperStreet Sat 20-Oct-12 10:01:09

People are idiots. I secretly wanted two the same and ended up with one of each. Of course I'm delighted with them now but I can't for the life of me understand why "one of each" is so celebrated!

RubyrooUK Sat 20-Oct-12 10:08:43

It's exactly that Panda - the feeling that somehow by everyone expressing such a strong gender preference, your "wrong gender" will be letting them down. It takes the shine off things a bit.

My DH is the second of two boys and always felt that everyone was like sigh "oh, well done, another boy" when he turned up, whereas when his sister came after him, his dad ran through the town shouting about it to strangers.

(That is also how his family tell it to be fair, not just paranoia....."oh it was lovely to have [DH] but so great when his sister arrived").

So DH is also very sensitive because he is so thrilled and doesn't ever want one of his kids to be the not-quite-as-good-although-you-love-them-anyway.

We both clearly need to stop being a bit emotional and mad though. Since DS2 will be amazing to us, we will just make everyone else feel the same. smile

pinkpeony4 Sat 20-Oct-12 14:10:27

I am 21 weeks with my fourth boy and have had all sorts of incredibly rude & insensitive comments from people. Things like "Damn" & "Will you try for your girl next" and also all sorts of horrified faces! Even MIL said "Oh well, as long as it's healthy". It's so rude, we wanted a 4th child for a child, not for a certain gender.

We are very excited to be having boy number 4, I think it will be better for the dynamics of our family & it's very cheap!! We have boy everything.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. My boys are gorgeous together & I can't wait to have another one in our family smile

kate2boysandabump Sat 20-Oct-12 14:25:34

I'm 32 weeks with ds3. I'm dreading the disappointed looks when he's born, all my friends have said they hope it's a girl and my mom requested a girl for 'variety'!

Dh and I are thrilled to be having another baby, we don't really care what it is.

Boys are ace, though, as i'm sure ate girls, but as people keep.telling me, I don't have any of those...

vamosbebe Sat 20-Oct-12 14:31:15

My Grandma had 8 boys before having a girl. She had this ALL the bloody time!
As a previous poster suggested, just head them off at the pass with a 'oh we're delighfully going to have little brother for DS1', before they can be insensitive.
Congratulations by the way thanks

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