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Ex overshadowing birth :(

(15 Posts)

Im due on 2nd Nov. DD is 3.9 and spends two nights a week with her dad. I spoke to him in June and asked if it would be ok for me to call him when I am in labour to take DD as I felt it was the best place for her to be. He agreed. I told him the due date etc.

So when DD asks about the baby I have been explaining that when its time for the baby to be born I will have to go to hospital and she would go to her dads until my DP comes to bring her to see the baby.

Today I get a text to say that Ex and his new partner are going away from 31st Oct to 3rd Nov.

I called him to explain that while the baby may not arrive on those dates, we are now in the position that if it does DD will have to go to DPs parents, which isnt the plan she knows. And while she knows them, I feel it would be better for her to be with her father at a time when she is probably going to be worrying.

I was met with a barrage of insults such as I am crazy to think they have done this on purpose, I am vile, immature, nasty. I "lay down and had this baby so I should deal with it" and that DD would "get over it."

I am furious. This isnt about me. I want whats best for DD but hes making it about me. Doing it for spite. DP says he still loves me and is jealous. But I dont care. Hes a grown man and he should be putting his DD first. But as usual, getting to me is more important than her.

We are now going to get DD used to the idea of going to DPs parents and Im sure that she will be fine but I am so disappointed that after 3 years he still wont put her first.

PhyllisDoris Tue 16-Oct-12 13:52:05

YABU - (unless the baby is ex-DPs too).

I think hormones are getting to you, and you're making a mountain out of a molehill! smile

DD will only worry if you give her something to worry about. She's more likely to be excited that the new baby is on the way. She's far to young to be worried.

Children are pretty flexible, and accepting. Why does she need to "get used to the idea" of going to her grandparents? I'm sure she won't mind going to her Granny's for the night, or a couple of days - it will be fun!

Alternatively, could she stay over at a friend's house while you're in hospital? That might be more fun for her.

ExDP is the one missing out, not DD. He's giving up the chance to have extra time with his daughter.

They arent her grandparents though. They are DPs parents and she hasnt spent a great deal of time with them.

Im just worried because she is a sensitive thing and she likes to know whats happening before it happens. She doesnt take to spontaniety well.

Its just infuriating that the days around when Im due he decides to take off, yet Im the vile immature one. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I never leave DD with anyone apart from him and I know Im now going to be fretting about her the whole labour.

Hes done it out of spite at the expense of his daughter. sad

seven77 Tue 16-Oct-12 14:18:44

I think as an ex you're relying on him too much, unless he'll be away when he'd usually be having DD he's well within his right to go away with his new partner. Your DP is involved enough in your life for you to be having a baby with him, it's time that his parents were a part of your DDs life, tbh I'd have wanted them to be involved and asked them first rather than rely on your ex.

Well he is changing his days that week.

Tbh Im not sure its unreasonable to expect her father to take her.

But if you all think it is then fair enough.

BigW Tue 16-Oct-12 14:30:31

YANBU - I understand that you are frustrated at being put in this position and it is not just about your DD, but also about you having your plans sorted and then having the stress of changing them. Your DD probably won't care - but it is annoying that you are the one that has to worry about these things when it should be both of you, regardless of the fact that you are not together. That said, I do think that you have to pick your battles in these types of situations and this is probably not worth getting into a massive argument over.

If your DD really doesn't deal well with spontaneity then I suggest that she goes to your DP’s parents while you are in hospital whether or not your ex is around.

Well thats what we have decided. The plan will just change to her going to them regardless of whether he is available or not.

I have to say, quite honestly, Im not bothered about the change to my plans at all. Im just sad for DD because its just another thing in a long line that displays he doesnt care about her. He picks and chooses when to be a parent.

And ofcourse he is within his rights to go away with his partner, and I have accommodated them going away previously with changes to days etc...but on my due date, after agreeing to take her? Its more than a coincidence.

Mixxy Tue 16-Oct-12 15:20:38

YANBU. I can see why your DD might have some angst about staying with DP parents. I mean, they're not her grandparents. But, seeing as they will be grandparents to your new LO, maybe this should be seen as a chance for her to get to know them better. I'm sure your DD will adjust well.

As for your ex, I'm pretty sure this is a petty move on his behalf. Really though, I get the sneaky suspicion that it's a move by his new partner. Perhaps she resents your DD as it is, and is jealous of the time your ex spends with his daughter.

Remove the need to rely on them for anything and you'll be much happier. Put bitter feelings aside (no matter how justified) and focus on the new addition to your family. Good luck!

SirBoobAlot Tue 16-Oct-12 15:24:40

He's being a twat. Especially seeing as you'd discussed it with him, in advance, and he agreed.

Its okay though, so don't freak out. You still have a few weeks to get DD used to the new plan.

terilou87 Tue 16-Oct-12 15:33:41

i have got to agree with mixxy remove the need to rely on your ex, that way he wont be able to pull stunts like going away when he knows he is supposed to be having his daughter. he probably doesnt realise what he has done to his daughter, it sounds like he is trying to have a dig at you. anyway i hope all works out well for you. smile

Thanks all. We dont rely on him for anything at all so I suppose it was inevitable that he would use the one time we were relying on him to get at us.

I am bitter. But its kept from DD. Its just so frustrating. When we split he behaved terribly, I had the grounds to get full custody and limit his access. But I didnt because I felt that it was best for DD to have her father. Even though I have to look at him twice a week for the next decade.

I take all his crap and I dont rise to it. I dont stoop to his level either. I dont bad mouth him to DD. I have strongly promoted their relationship through him treating me terribly. Yet he still sees fit to put getting a cheap dig at me before his daughter.

Sorry, bit of a rant there.

Mixxy Tue 16-Oct-12 15:52:08

If he's not up do his fathering duties, and it sounds like he isn't, don't let him get you down. So you adjust your plans and remember how he acted the last time you asked him to do something for his daughter. He gets a 3 day mini-break in freezing November and you get a brand new baby in time for the holidays. I can tell you which one I'd prefer...

smile I know, you are absolutely right.

DP keeps saying that when DD is older she will see him for what he is. I suppose thats why I am putting myself through all this really. So she has the chance to make her own mind up about him.

We got a few bits for the baby yesterday and she was really clingy and acting up. So I am worried about her but I do know its normal. I just dont want her to see me in pain in labour and then find herself bundled off to DPs parents where shes not used to. They will spoil her rotten but I know in her wee head she will be worrying.

Mintyy Tue 16-Oct-12 16:05:11

So what are you going to do if baby arrives a bit early or a couple of days late?

Shes going to DPs parents. I do realise the chances of the baby coming on those dates is slim as I was overdue by ten days with DD. But I want her to have a plan she can rely on. I cant control when the baby comes or what happens in labour, but the least I can do is make a reliable plan for her.

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