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28 weeks and scared, my sister had a stillborn.......

(22 Posts)
surfingbabies Mon 15-Oct-12 13:55:16

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I'm so scared, my sister had a stillborn at 38 weeks......she went on to have a healthy baby afterwards but I'm so scared its going to happen to me! I try not to think negatively but I just can't help it! I have three DC already and I enjoyed every bit of my pregnancies (even my twin pregnancy) but this one I can't focus......I sing to it and play music, I talk to it but not as much as I did with the others! It's almost like I'm scared to get attached to it yet on the other hand I already feel so much love for it and I can't wait to meet it. I tried to talk to my Midwife about it but she just brushed it off and said just because it happened to my sister doesn't mean it's going to happen to me! I'm scared to research it in case I find out something I shouldn't and I'd like a home birth but it really puts me off......some one slap me round the chops and tell me to snap out of it please confused

debbie1412 Mon 15-Oct-12 14:24:07

I worry about stillborn and sids, it's horrendous isn't it. Just have to hope everything will be ok. Can't do much else really can we. X

Jollyb Mon 15-Oct-12 15:11:43

Surfing - I think I'm going to be like this if/when I get pregnant again after a close friend lost her baby at 41 weeks a few months ago.

I think I'll just have to tell myself that worrying isn't going to do anything apart from make me miserable. The only exception to this is if I notice any change in movements etc. In this situation worrying entirely reasonable and I need to get checked over ASAP.

AlisonDB Mon 15-Oct-12 19:27:40

It's awful, your poor sister! I can't begin to imagin the pain and heartbreak.
A friend of a friend had a baby a few years ago who was stillborn and it was horrible,

Her advice at the time was.......
be as pushy as you can be if
you think something is wrong,
if you don't feel "right"
if you don't feel as much movement as usual,
Any bleeding, spotting etc....
anything out of your babies or your ordinary
kick up the biggest fuss you possibly can, demand to be checked.......
not only by having baby's heart beat listened to but also demand they do a Doppler scan (where they check the oxygen flow from placenta to baby)
Even if you are given the all clear if you still feel something not right scream until you are listened to!!!!

Could you talk to your midwife, tell her your concerns, maybe speak about being induced before your due date, ask for extra appointments in the last few weeks.
Also keep a note of your babies movements routine from now,
you can download apps to your smartphone (if you have one) that include a kick counter, this way if there is a change in their movement you can show evidence of it.

But try to remember that most births end with a healthy baby.
(Easier said than done i know)

Doraemon Mon 15-Oct-12 19:38:54

So sorry for the loss of your niece or nephew. I think it's really understandable to feel worried when someone so close to you has lost a baby. I wonder whether talking to SANDS might help? I know they support anyone affected by still birth, not just the parents, and it might help just to talk to someone who will properly listen to your anxieties rather than just dismiss them - what a shame your midwife wasn't more understanding.

surfingbabies Mon 15-Oct-12 20:42:15

Thank you for your replies......I have been to the midwife on no appointment days as I was worried, she listened to heartbeat and sent me on my way....she didn't even write it in my notes! I've not felt it move as much the last week but when I rang the midwife she said that's normal for my dates as there's not as much room for it now! I find everyday I'm questioning everything and double checking! My DP is probably getting well and truly fed up with me now, he hasn't said so but he does keep telling me to stop worrying and enjoy it which I try so hard to do but I'm just so worried.
I don't even like talking "baby" to people and I won't tell anyone my due date as when it happened to my sister she was in undated with messages to ask if she'd had him yet and I had to tell everyone, I figure if no one knows and it does happen it will take the pressure off having to tell everyone then I can do it when I'm ready..........just typing this now I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous and I probably come across as a little bit strange but I never really understood the extent of a SB until it happened to my sister, I was with her through the birth, I bathed him, dressed him and took his hand & foot prints......I feel people just don't understand as I didn't if I'm honest!!!

surfingbabies Mon 15-Oct-12 20:45:02

Doraemon I never thought about SANDS, I didn't realise they helped everyone......I wish I'd know that shortly after as it would have really helped me to talk about it! Thanks so much, I will go on the website now and have a look x

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 20:45:09


Doraemon Mon 15-Oct-12 21:18:21

surfing you don't sound ridiculous at all. It sounds like you must have been a great support to your sister but perhaps didn't get any support yourself during what must have been a terribly sad time.
Having been so closely involved in your nephew's birth I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to 'stop worrying and enjoy' your own pregnancy. Is there any other midwife you can see? Or a GP? I really feel you should be getting more support, and also that it should be in your notes, as your feelings about your own pregnancy and labour are likely to be tangled up with memories of supporting your sister through her labour.
I really hope SANDS can help. Have you talked to your sister about how you're feeling? I wonder whether have gone through another pregnancy after her stillbirth she may understand your feelings and be able to offer some help?

surfingbabies Mon 15-Oct-12 21:29:38

I tried talking to her but understandably she finds it too hard, I think my problem is he looked absolutely perfect and she didn't have any tests to find out why it happened as she didn't want to and that worries me because if something had been wrong with him or her placenta then apparently it's just one of those awful things and it would have been her body rejecting it but because we don't know why it happened we don't know if its likely to passed on through the family......if that makes sense, well that's how my midwife explained it! My midwife just said there's nothing you can do to prevent it so try and not to worry.
I'm seeing a different midwife tomorrow so I will see what she thinks.
I did think about asking to be induced before my due date as my sister was induced at 37 weeks but when I said this in front of two of my close friends they said I was being silly, just because it happened to my sister doesn't mean it's going to happen to me......but how do people know that!
God it's driving me mental sad
Not been on sands yet as I will probably cry and I'm sat with DP and he gets upset with me as stress is not good for baby!
Thanks for your advise, it's great to know someone understands as I thought I was going mad smile

AlisonDB Mon 15-Oct-12 23:19:32

Maybe you NEED to cry?
It sounds like you where such a rock of support to your sister that at the time and even now you are not able to show how sad you are at the loss of your Nephew,
But not talking and not crying are the worse thing for you.

And I hate to be stereotypical but most men don't fully know how to express their sadness and therefore bottle things up and actually think that crying is worse for you, but it's not,
(Totally different but when my dad died i went to see a counciler and i cried buckets, he actively encouraged it as a form of release)

Sands will be well used to dealing with people who are very distressed and they won't judge or belittle how you are feeling.

I also agree that your sisters loss should be noted in your records as it does and will have a direct impact on you,
My mum is a health visitor, and she is always telling me that things like this are SO important to be noted on the records, as it helps them be able to help you!
And no I homestly dont think you are over reacting by looking into the possibility of being induced early (but maybe having weekly scans at this point would give put you at ease a little to see baby moving round.

Rainbowbabyhope Tue 16-Oct-12 15:56:22

I had a stillbirth earlier this year and I am pregnant again so I know where you are coming from. The problem with having a stillborn child or being close to someone who has had one is that you have to face the reality that stillbirth is actually alot more common than we are led to believe - 11 babies are stillborn every day in this country. Unfortunately we are in the position were we are more aware of it and the reality of the horrific experience that losing a child is. What I have found helps is that you need to acknowledge the fear - yes it could happen to you but if it does you will in fact get through it. Let yourself acknowledge it and definately take people's advice here about being pushy when necessary to get reassurance (extra scans etc). However don't let it detract from your experience with bonding with your baby. I do understand how the fear gets in the way of feeling like you want to connect with the baby. However looking back, the only time I got to spend with my stillborn DD when she was alive was when I was pregnant with her and therefore this time is a very special memory for me. If the baby I am currently pregnant with is also stillborn I want to make sure I can look back and know that I gave her the same level of love and attention while pregnant so I am very careful not to left my fear get in the way of that. Good luck x

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 16-Oct-12 17:10:26

Rainbow. Im so sorry for your loss.

surfingbabies Tue 16-Oct-12 19:44:24

Rainbowbabyhope what a remarkable person you are, even after such a tragic loss you seem so strong and positive.......what a wonderful mother you are smile
I'm sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy wink
I can't even begin to imagine what you and my sister have and are going through, my thoughts are with you all as I think people like you both don't get enough support.....people treat my sister like it doesn't matter as she never met him and that's so not the case, like you said the bonding when your pregnant is enough.......I already feel so much love for the baby I'm carrying & it honestly fills me with dread at the thought of never meeting him/her sad

I went to see a different midwife today and she said what everyone says, just because it happened to my sister doesn't mean it will happen to me.....she was nice don't get me wrong but the conversation lasted about 40seconds and she change the subject, she could clearly see it upsets me as I had tears in my eyes. I came back to the subject and brought up about being induced, she said that only happens for mums who it's happened to......she then left the room! She did have a waiting room full of mums so I guess she was busy. If I'm worried at any point though I will ring up and get seen but as far as scans go its not an option as the midwifes not worried, also the hospital is an hour and half away!
I've only got 12 weeks now so everyday I will keep a close eye on movements, I've downloaded a kick app so if anything changes I will make myself known at the clinic smile

Good luck with your pregnancy Rainbowbabyhope my sister went on to have a very healthy baby with no complications in her pregnancy, I know this wont stop you from worrying but it might comfort you to know smile

Thanks to all of you for your comments, I'm really grateful as I know it's such a hard subject and its not nice talking about it xx

PeshwariNaan Tue 16-Oct-12 21:44:05

surfingbabies your midwife is really not supporting you in the way that you need. If I were you I'd talk to a Supervisor of Midwives or ask to speak to a consultant at your hospital. I have a niece who was stillborn (due to hospital error) and when I mentioned it to my midwife, she was immediately sympathetic and offered to arrange for me to see a consultant or supervisor whenever I wanted.

Also, does your hospital not have a daytime maternity monitoring unit? Call and ask. Mine has one you can just show up to and have a scan if you are concerned at all after 12 weeks. You can even go there if you're not a patient at the hospital. But then it's a big research hospital in central London...

Doesn't matter though - you can still speak to a SoM and I would do so straight away. It sounds like your legitimate concerns about your baby are being dismissed.

3greentree Sat 28-Sep-13 23:21:24

Hope you don't mind me reanimating this thread.
I've found this and am really interested in your experience.
I too witnessed a still-birth. I was with my sister-in-law (very close friend) when she went into labour at 34 weeks.
On arrival at hospital we found out the baby had died. It was horrific. Shortly after the delivery my SIL almost died too. They couldn't stop the bleeding despite blood transfusions. Fortunately thanks to many amazing professionals, the necessary "stuff" being flown in and a night in ICU she survived. She had 2 children previously and has coped amazingly.
I also have 2 children and had always thought I'd have another baby. Unfortunately this experience has traumatized me to the point I am too scared to move forward to this.
This happened almost 2 years ago now. I had some really great EMDR
therapy which really helped but I'm still stuck in the can I/can't I go forward with it. I am literally terrified but don't know what to do. I think about this decision constantly. I've tried not to worry about it and let it go but it hasn't worked. I feel like I've reached the age (and my children are at the stage) that if we decide to have another it needs to be now or never. I just don't know how to move on.....

tsw Sun 29-Sep-13 19:16:27

I just wanted to reply to your post as you are clearly in two minds about what to do.

It is obviously your decision as to what you feel is best for you. You may regret not trying so you have to possibly live with that.

I had a stillbirth & am pregnant again. It is exceptionally tough but I am replying in the hope that knowing that women who have experienced it directly do try again and manage the stress of worrying directly that this may help you as someone who has witnessed it indirectly.

LunaticFringe Sun 29-Sep-13 19:33:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3greentree Thu 03-Oct-13 14:23:34

Thank you for the replies. I'm so sorry for the experiences that have brought us all here but really grateful that you are taking the time to help me.

TSW you are absolutely right about the regret aspect. I know there is no right or wrong and it's about making the "best" decision for us as a family but am scared both ways. Fear IS holding me back but in both directions! I don't want to live with regret either way.....

LunaticFringe it's quite shocking how many people have lived through this and yet I do feel that people don't really want to talk about it, or is that just sad stuff in general? Sorry I'm waffling. I would very much like to talk to a midwife I think this sounds like a positive next step. Maybe I'll try to talk to my GP about it.

3greentree Wed 16-Oct-13 14:11:11

Just wanted to add an update as although I haven't made an ultimate decision yet I did make an appointment with my GP (lovely lady - luckily!).
She was superbly understanding despite my not being able to talk for the tears for the first few minutes!
She listened, empathized and asked all the "right" questions and has suggested that it would be useful to speak to the community midwifes. I "know" (hopefully) that someone there will be able to address my concerns and help me live with this one way or another.
Re-reading the original posts I am wondering how surfingbabies is!?!

BurbGirl2013 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:28:14

Surfinbabies I too (am 33+3) am totally anxious about this after a friend's own situation as well as probably reading too many threads on here about it, now making me paranoid.
Those that have shared their own stories and advice here are just amazing, thank you for your advice and being so brave and kind as to try to help others.

All we can do is take this advice and do what we can-
keep a movement diary noting times/movements daily (in my case I have anterior placenta meaning I only feel more obvious movements and so can go hours without any- everyone is different but if anything differs to what is normal for you-call the midwife)

I also have a doppler at home (while I know this can't be used as the ONLY reassurance that all is OK, it is so lovely to have and really recommend you get one, as long as we continue to look out for movements & other signs too).

I'm booking in for a private 34 week scan too- 3rd trimester scans should be offered on the NHS, are in many other counties and its appalling they aren't here!

As well as this we have to keep telling ourselves that while 17 babies are stillborn (or sadly pass soon after birth) a day- well over 1,100 healthy babies are born in the UK each day too. So still birth statistically is just 0.8% of all births.

Rosduk Wed 16-Oct-13 17:45:41

Rainbowbabyhope- what a fantastic way to look at things. I lost my son at 27 weeks last nov and am currently 9 weeks with DC3. I am worried about the outcome of this pregnancy but also don't want to ignore it and enjoy it as much as possible.

In my first pregnancy I knew about stillbirth but wasn't particularly worried about it, once you know someone that it has happened to or if it has happened to you - you are suddenly much more aware of it which makes being pregnant so much harder.

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