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Will it get better after hes born?

(21 Posts)
xmasevebundle Wed 10-Oct-12 21:00:22

Ive had a shit pregnancy, i dont think i ever want kids again.

Its my first, not with the father for many reasons, said to abort it, if you keep it we will end up breaking up etc.

I am just fed up now, it feels the pregnancy has lasted ages, although i am very excited to meet him.

I feel quite lost and depressed to some sort, i rarely go out, hardly any friends.

I gave up so much to have him, it wont ever be the same. I cant do things i use to do and i miss them a lot.

Will i forget all this when hes here or will get worse[sas]

Goldenbear Wed 10-Oct-12 21:34:52

There are no guarantees but i think it is very normal to lament/ panic over the life lost. Life will be different especially at first but it doesn't mean worse, just different.

Another thought is that you may have antenatal depression. I know I suffered this with both my pregnancies as it went as soon as I gave birth. It was just this overwhelming sense of doom in my case. It is not really talked about much so you feel isolated with your feelings when you know people think you should be happy. However, it did go and didn't develop into PND in fact I felt exhausted by my feelings of love for my babies and children!

mummy2benji Wed 10-Oct-12 21:45:28

Second the above particularly as pregnancy can be an emotional enough time as it is without having the lack of support of the dad. I think it is only natural at this stage to be feeling rather overwhelmed and anxious about it all. Newborns aren't always easy - ds was particularly difficult as he had health problems and feeding difficulties - and the lack of sleep initially can make it feel like a struggle, but that is short-lived and I cannot begin to describe the feeling of wonder and adoration that you get the first time you meet your baby. That doesn't wear off - you know that you would live or die for this tiny person that you have created, and even at times when they drive you nuts (ds is nearly 4) you would never wish that you hadn't had them. Babies do make life more complicated, but they also enhance life in ways you hadn't imagined and make it so much better. Lots of love x

AlisonDB Wed 10-Oct-12 21:50:05

Sounds like you are having a really shitty time of it,
Life will change but you don't have to be isolated,

Talk to your midwife now or if you prefer your health visitor once baby is born, They will be able to advise you of mums and tots groups, sure start centre/family centers, in your area. Also your Health visiting service may also run free courses such as baby massage, baby weaning, lactation etc...
All of these types of groups are fantastic for meeting new mums,
Many will be experiencing a "life change" it may not be the same as you are dealing with but you will find people who can help you,
Confiding in your health visitor they will be able to support you if you are or become postnataly depressed,
Life does change when you have your little one, sometimes it's amazing, rewarding, beautiful,
at other times its total ball breaking shit!

Please try to get a good support network around you, so that during the down times you can have a good old moan.

kellestar Wed 10-Oct-12 21:51:21

Yes and no. I mourned my way of life before and after DD 21 mo and then I get caught up changing nappies, snoozing, feeding and smiling at my lovely girl. But you'll have bad days too, they are unbearable at times. Snowsuit, pram, ski gloves and a walk can make a difference. I went for lots of walks.

I think you need to be honest with your feelings and speak up about your worries. Talk to your MW and HV they can be very supportive.

Have you got any bumps and babies groups? These were such a great thing for me, other mums with similar worries, older mums for advice and tea/biscuits. I go to an NCT one and one that's run by the childrens centre and has a HV drop in regularly. It was a bit scary to start with. I think I went to a half dozen groups that weren't my thing.

I am very shy, nervous of meeting new people and dreaded being told I was doing it wrong or sonething. But all I had was support, I love that I am now passing that along.

Do I remember you have some family support?

My DD arrived the week before christmas, overdue and with the snow it was A good excuse to avoid lots of visitors. Plenty of baby snuggling.

xmasevebundle Wed 10-Oct-12 22:16:32

I do go a young mums im the oldest there(im 19) not the people i really i want to be around. Which makes me more angry i am in the situation.

Abortion never crossed my mind, why would i kill my own child?

I find it very tough as i get looked upon as i would say 'flith'. Even though i was in a relationship and was my first love, smitten as i would say!

After me and exp planning to have one around last christmas to me falling pregnant and turned his back. I have accepted that as its his loss not mine nor our sons because he has everything he needs and thats me!

I wish it was a lot different but i wouldnt change it nor the baby father because he wouldnt be the person i love.

I cant accept that i am going to be a mum, this point in my life, its all been a blur, i have 10 weeks left.

I have my mum and dad, who have helped me a lot.

AlisonDB Wed 10-Oct-12 22:19:12

Keep l

AlisonDB Wed 10-Oct-12 22:24:37

Keep looking for groups, you will find one that suits you,

Remember, You are NOT filth and your son will be lucky to have you as his mum,
Keep talking to your mum & dad, and talk to your midwife/health visitor, they really are there to help you and will be able to advise you,

Life will be good again, it will be different, very different, but it will be good!
It's hard to imagine the future especially if you are worried by it.

It gets different for a while. You won't be able to do all the things you used to do straight away (although you will be able to do them soon enough), but you'll be able to do lots of things you never even thought of before.

You'll feel your baby's gorgeous soft skin (and it'll be the best feeling ever; you'll want to keep stroking him). You'll see your baby smile (and it will be the best think you ever see). You'll hear your baby laugh (and it will be the best sound in the world). Motherhood is amazing. Honestly.

It's bloody hard work though, so you're lucky to have mum and dad supporting you. Try to build up as big a support network as possible. Go to baby groups (don't worry about the other mums being older or younger than you) and talk to anyone who'll listen. Most of us are nice and we're always up for going for coffee and discussing how wonderful our kids are and wonder why the f**k they won't go to sleep

Oh, and congratulations on your pregnancy smile

xmasevebundle Wed 10-Oct-12 22:46:17

Its tough as if you saw a 19 year old pregnant(i look about 17) you would stare.

Most old women do, old people the worse. I dont like to looked upon like that.

I love him even though i havent met him, but i fear we wont have a 'bond' as it seems its just been blurred for months.

If it wasnt for my mum and dad, i really dont know what id do. My mum has been through the same as me, it must break her heart that im going through the same.

I dont mind the young mums group, they talk about drinking and smoking whilst pregnant and that isnt my thing. Different views, although they might think 'stuck up'

I just want to see his little face for the first time and see who he looks like, count his toes and fingers. Even still hope hes a boy!

I have never changed a nappy, made a bottle, had little sleep. It makes me wonder how much strength i will have left?

AlisonDB Wed 10-Oct-12 23:12:25

You will find the strength, believe me you will soon become an expert on changing nappies, making bottles and surviving on a little bit of sleep! You'll find this strength cos you'll be his mummy, and you will do, as you already have done, everything for him. And you will bond with him cos it sounds like you already have.

Take inspiration from your mum, if she's been through it and come our the other side then you can too!

Anyone looking down their nose at you should be ashamed.
I'm 36 and run a mums & tots group, we have a real mix of mums who attend, some older a couple younger, all with different life styles,
I would not look down my nose at any mum young or old was was doing the best for their baby.

I stare at anyone who's pregnant. Being pregnant is blooming amazing. You've got a person growing inside you. It's brilliant. That's way they stare smile

I was over 30 when I had DS & had never done any of those things. Its nowt to do with age!

Oh, and I'm a teacher. When I was on maternity leave I bumped into three girls I had taught with their babies (separately; not all at the same time). One's now 16, one's 17 and one's 19. They were all coping MUCH better than I was. They ended up giving me advice about sleeping etc grin

debbie1412 Wed 10-Oct-12 23:35:56

I went to every mother and baby group possible, I now have a great network of very good friends some of us are even on a second child doing it together is lovely. I spend my days watching my toddler grow with his friends laughing with my friends as they do it. It's great I wouldn't change my new life for all the riches in the world. I had to make the effort at the start to achieve this but it's paid off brilliantly.
Good luck, a year from now these down feelings will be a distant memory.

Moominsarescary Wed 10-Oct-12 23:47:21

Pg can be difficult at any age, so can newborns! It's especially difficult when you feel everyone is judging you.

I had ds1 at 16 for years I had nosy people asking if he was my brother. Even now he's nearly 18 some people are surprised he's my son. It's been hard at times but I still managed to go to college and uni, although it took me longer than it would have if I'd not had ds. I have been very lucky though as my family are really supportive.

Ds2 was born when I was 25 and I had ds3 at 33 and I'm pg again at 34. in some ways I think I coped better with ds1, more patience and I had more energy!

I remember walking lots in the early days just for some quiet time.

xmasevebundle Thu 11-Oct-12 00:56:39

So nice to hear other peoples storys and think it could be me one day!

When hes born i will take him for walks along the seaside and walk everywhere with him.

I am proud i am his mummy, but not so because of my situation which was not in my controlsad

They do groups at my local library where you can go read them books,i think id read him a book if he was asleep or awake.

Its hard as where i live, most girls are very oh its okay to drink every weekend, i can say that because i haven't met anyone like me yet, my mum said i will find friends but i have a guard up and dont talk about things.

Id love a friend whos pregnant to go shopping with, eat--loads of-- food, of course look at cute clothes. Think i needed someone like a partner as the 'father' is absent, as i would be doing this with him.

Not much going on where i live.

I do enjoy walking now, i use to be lazyblush i feel lonely when by myself, i dont have a dog either to walk and if i did, id be out everyday for hours!

monsterchild Thu 11-Oct-12 01:04:15

xmasevebundle i'm due about the same time as you, and I also get stared at a lot. I think it's because I'm 42! This is also my first. I think most people think I'm a bit bonkers waiting this long to have kids. And think, when you're my age, you'll have a strong young man for a son to be proud of!

Sometimes I think it may have been better to have kids young so I had all that baby time, then went and did stuff. But there's no wrong time to have a kid.

xmasevebundle Thu 11-Oct-12 01:55:39

If i saw a 42yo pregnant i would think nothing of it!

Most women have kids between 30-40, i think?

I think im young, but not that young. Older women have gone through life, i have really only just started to live mine. Now i have DS to join me!

AlisonDB Thu 11-Oct-12 12:07:09

This mornings experience!
Went to the shops, had several people stand and stare directly at bump,
3 total strangers try to touch bump,
And about 5 other random strangers asking me when I was due and offering advice!
Monster child & AtruthUT,, are both right,
People stare cos you are pregnant not cos you are 19 and pregnant,
It's weird to get used to but the minute you become preg, suddenly you snd your bump become public property,
And every well meaning and some not so well meaning stranger you meet has advice, tips, passed down knowledge, old wives tales etc....

Rockchick1984 Thu 11-Oct-12 16:18:56

Xmas I was 26 when I had DS, unplanned but very much loved, and I felt way too young to be a mum - I had never held a baby before, and certainly never done any of the practical things eg nappies, feeding, bathing a baby etc. I was terrified, but you will learn very quickly!

From going to my local Surestart, the 2 closest friends I've made both have babies the same age as my DS - one became a mum at 19, the other at 37, and the 3 of us are incredibly close. Both have admitted they thought they were the "wrong" age to make friends there. You need to just go to more groups, and see how you get on. The mums there will all have their own insecurities, just smile and be friendly and you will make some amazing friends. Netmums local board is great, it has a section to meet a mum, you will find someone on there in a similar situation to go for coffee with and just to get out of the house smile

osterleymama Fri 12-Oct-12 09:58:53

My younger sister was only 16 when she had her first child. Her relationship didn't last, she also felt judged by other people and she had a really hard time.

She's now 27, very happily married to a lovely man and is in her second year of her degree at one of the best universities in the country training in medicine. She had another child at 22 and is now pregnant with her third (and she says last!) baby and due in December. She's lucky in that she lives very close to our parents and her in-laws and has plenty of help.

She says that although it was hard, she doesnt regret having her children so young because 1. Her eldest boy is a gorgeous, happy, clever child adorded by everybody and 2. She finished most of the baby years young and now still has plenty to time to begin her career which she won't have to interupt. She and her husband will have loads of time to enjoy a social life while they are still young.

She feels she's able to have the best of both worlds. I had my first at 28 and will be around 35 when I am done having kids, I see her point!

BooBumpDaddyandMe Sat 13-Oct-12 22:31:45

xmas some people will just judge you regardless & they're not worth your time worrying about. Your situation is rubbish re your babies father but having a great set of parents is a wonderful thing.
The best advice has already been given - get out and do all the groups and classes you possibly can, sign up for everything & I bet you will meet people who turn into friends you will have for the rest of your life. Your local library and Sure Start with have loads of free stuff plus stuff you pay for if that's an option, like baby massage, aqua tots etc for when baby is here. Drop the things that don't suit you, if the young mothers group isn't for you don't do it. I'm 37 & the amazing friends I've made are mostly way younger.
This parenting lark is hard work, there's no two ways about it - neither the nct nor Sure Start ante natal groups gave me any inkling of how shot to s**t I would feel in the few days after giving birth BUT there is loads of help & support on offer so take it all.
I'm not a single parent so know that your experience will be very different to mine but just try enjoy your ds when he arrives - he'll love you, unconditionally!

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