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1st MW visit in the morning & worrying about questions on prev losses

(7 Posts)
3rdtimelucky73 Mon 08-Oct-12 22:46:09

Hi all,

First post, though have been lurking for a few weeks....

I am 8-9 wks pgt and have my first (home) visit with the CMW in the morning.

Apart from spending two complete days cleaning and tidying, I have managed to fill out the paperwork from the surgery and make a list of a few questions I have already.

I have two questions for you MNers;

1) Is DP expected to be present?

2) I have spoken to CMW a couple of times on the phone (I've already had an early scan) and she was very encouraging after I told her about MC in August, but I also had a baby who was stillborn at 39 weeks in 2005 and I'm frightened of her asking loads of detailed questions and also her treating me like a second time mum, when I'm wholly terrified.

DP is keen to be involved, but I think I might be more comfortable talking on my own (SB was not with DP).

I would really appreciate any advice from those in the know, or have been through this.

Thanks smile

Secondsop Tue 09-Oct-12 03:42:51

Hello, for (1) if this is your booking appointment then it's fine for your partner not to be present. In fact I think it's possibly preferable, as part of the midwife's job at this appointment is to assess whether you are at any risk through your home life such as (eg) domestic violence. There's plenty of other subsequent appointments for your partner to come to you with.

Re (2), i'm sorry to hear about your stillbirth. I have no helpful experience, but can i ask why are you frightened of the midwife asking you questions? Is it because you don't want to have to talk about such a sad experience? I ask because I am sure the midwife would need to ask something about it so that your current pregnancy can be managed with any extra care needed, but I am sure she would respect your wishes not to have to talk about it more than necessary if you explained your feelings. I am currently pregnant after an early miscarriage and I've found that the miscarriage is barely mentioned - everyone treats my pregnancy like a first pregnancy whereas I don't like what feels like the slight denial of the earlier pregnancy so whenever anyone at my antenatal appointments cheerfully says "so is this your first baby?" I can't stop myself saying "no, I had a miscarriage last year" even though that miscarriage isn't medically relevant to the current pregnancy. If you have this first appointment without your partner then you might find it helpful to ask the midwife once and for all how a pregnancy after a stillbirth is handled - perhaps make a list beforehand of questions to ask as I for one find that the best-laid plans go out the window when faced with someone going through a long form that they need to complete. I can't imagine that you would be treated as a second- time mum after a stillbirth - if anything I'd imagine that you'd have extra care and monitoring given your history, all in the context of helping your pregnancy go to term rather than you being treated as someone who has already had a live birth.

Good luck - all the best with the rest of the pregnancy.

whatsoever Tue 09-Oct-12 06:54:54

Hi OP, so sorry to hear of your previous losses.

My DH came to my booking appointments because he wanted to, but there's no need if your DP/ you would rather he didn't. Entirely up to the pair of you.

I too had had a MMC previously. It is recorded throughout my notes (I am down as a 1+ 0 which I have assumed meant 1 previous pregnancy, 0 previous live births) and was discussed a tiny bit at my booking appointment but has only been discussed since then if I brought it up.

Best of luck today smile

Kelerina Tue 09-Oct-12 07:45:38

Hi OP, just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy!

Regarding your midwife appointments I really don't think your DP needs to be there for any of them if you don't want. I have so far attended two midwife appointments on my own, first one purely because it was booking in appointment and I didn't think it was necessary/probably really boring and long for him and the second because he had to work.

Entirely up to you.

So sorry for your loss, I don't have any experience of this type of situation but i'm sure if you just explain how you feel the midwife will talk it through with you and not treat you like a second time mum, I think PP is right, if anything you should be given extra care and attention.

Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy smile

BedHog Tue 09-Oct-12 07:58:43


I just wanted you to know that the NHS have Additional Support midwives available, who, unlike the community midwives who are incredibly busy, will have the time to talk through any concerns and anxieties you will understandably have during this pregnancy. I found mine an incredible help and support. Their job is to support women through pregnancy after stillbirth, miscarriage or other traumatic experiences, also women going through other issues during pregnancy eg. break up of a relationship, housing issues, mental health, DV, financial crisis etc. Your community midwife should have more details.

3rdtimelucky73 Tue 09-Oct-12 19:37:19

Firstly a huge thank you for the replies above - although I didn't reply earlier I did manage to read the replies before the appointment and they were a great help.

DP went shopping during the visit, as I decided I would be more comfortable discussing the past on my own (not that he doesn't know, but just that I was nervous enough already!).

Secondsop I think it was fear of the unknown (as in not knowing what she would need to know). I told her the basics and she grasped very quickly that it was a troubled time in my life and has offered extra support through local groups which I didn't take advantage of at the time. She also used my daughter's name repeatedly - I love her for this alone!

Having had a MC is August I do the same as you and mention the miscarriage, but find the SB harder. I have had 7 years of random GPs asking me whether I have ever been pregnant/have children - thinking about it, this might explain why I felt so uneasy about today.

You are right about the extra care - Consultant led in fact, thank you for your good wishes and I send them back with bells on!

Thank you also to whatsoever, Kelerina and BedHog. It is just stunning how reassuring strangers' words on a screen can be.

And the congratulations are lovely too - especially as its not known in RL.

Secondsop Tue 09-Oct-12 20:06:08

Really glad to hear that it went well - it sounds like you have been pointed towards some great resources and that you had a really lovely midwife. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy!

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