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Fantastic 40+ Mum to be - part 2

(1000 Posts)
Hpbp Mon 08-Oct-12 07:42:26

Let's keep on chatting !
Awaiting to hear from you all.
Midget, how are you feeling after the sweep ?
Exexe, are you happy with the new kitchen ? Very glad to see you back on here.
Warm welcome to the only Dad we have on the thread, sorry I could not remember your name as I write this.
Have a lovely Monday. Pouring rain in Paris today.

BadMissM Thu 03-Jan-13 13:36:31

knicky Thanks... it's just that coming on top of the Harmony Test and all the trainfares to London, the week of DD's extortionate school bus pass, and a week before DD's's going to be a tough decision... only DH working, and I would be the major wage-earner if I was working, but haven't been since 2011 because of employment tribunal stuff.

I was thinking would be good to prepare DH, as his DCs 18 and 16...

Our local hospital's maternity unit so bad was almost shut down...only saved as no other one for miles.

Will probably look into the Bumps and Babies sessions in the meantime...

scarecrow22 Thu 03-Jan-13 14:14:15

JBrd I don't know how to find words to express the well of compassion I feel for you. It seems even crueller after the Christmas Eve scan. I hope you find more practical support on mc & conception threads, and join the long list of us who long to see you back here. Take good care xx

BadMiss I second knicky (welcome back I work alternate New Years and Xmas so sympathise, or DH does!) and others about huge value of NCT, des

scarecrow22 Thu 03-Jan-13 14:24:26

Despite cost, if at all poss. It does not work for everybody, mind you, and probably partly depends on your openness to new friends - but my group has been amazing and at different times we really helped each other out, and we still all meet a few times a year, as well as regular ad hoc combos of us. Arguably is even more impotant if you are a bit isolated, but also will only work if you can afford to get to meet-ups. I think NCT offers reduced fees for financial need, so it's definitely worth investigating. Alternatively, might there be a Sure Start or similar centre organising free (or super cheap) classes, BF clinics (if you plan to start), coffee meets, etc - in my experience new mums v keen to make similar friends. Or get on to MN local, which also seems to have threads for mums to be around the same time (you get a diff 'name' if keen to keep your I'd as BadMiss a secret!!)

LO very fluttery, and since passed 24 weeks on Mon I caved in in Barnados this morning and bought the bumplet a cute White Co baby grow with elephants on, in neutral colours. My justification was all babygrows I was given last time had feet & it might be hot & this one footless...but really just felt need to take the first tentative steps into accepting this is reality and get more connected.

somewherebecomingrain Thu 03-Jan-13 14:30:31

jbrd really sorry to hear this. It's one of the hardest things and you've had even more of a rollercoast ride than most. Hope you are able to have a good rest and look after yourself - and that you are back here soon.

eagle well done on the second hand. I'm particularly impressed that you got so much on ebay - I think you have quick reflexes or something! I could never get anything on ebay - i was stalking a particular isabella oliver grecian maternity top which appeared regularly but lost so many times - and have more or less given up!

scarecrow sorry to hear about the voluntary redundancy uncertainty - it sounds like they value you highly though if they are are talking alternatives and also feel certain that if you did take VR it wouldn't be the end of your career - just the beginning of a new chapter. Leaving somewhere you've been for a long time tends to open up a world of possibilities.

Also re the new baby and DD you should talk to VQ on the 40+birth board - she was amazingly eloquent about that and really felt it. Also blueblackdye. I think i;ve had too stressful an Xmas for this issue to get a look in but actually it does cross my mind - there is this perfection with one and how can it ever be the same with two? But apparently it just works somehow. Also I'm stressing to DS that this is HIS sibling - not just Daddy and Mummy's child. But I know it is shattering for the first child when a new one comes along.

never heard of metanium. will definitely keep it in mind this time round.

riverside glad you are feeling rested and fresh and that the LO is lively. You and eagle must keep us posted on your countdown!

knicky yes you weren't around much were you. It sounds like a slightly gruelling Xmas for you so I hope you can relax a bit now. Always get a frisson to hear what week you are on because it's always me next! Glad you can stop work soon - that must be a nice prospect. I hope your DD is going to sleep better soon - i've had a few bad nights with the DS recently so i understand your fear! As for her dreams it's interesting - DS has suddenly got scared of monsters under the bed, seriously, inconsolably terrified. I think it's a developmental stage to have those kind of sophisticated nightmares.

badmissm for ante-natal classes I did an 'independent' class last time which probably did help a bit but nothing major. Also everyone came from all over London so we didn't stay in touch. I also did a slightly wacky yoga workshop which actually did more than anything else because my DP and I role-played a C-section and then as we actually ended up having a c-section it turned out to be incredibly helpful. I don't know what to recommend - i think it's always worth making the effort to try things as i never knew the wacky yoga workshop was going to be so helpful.

Sorry to hear about your tribunal - i think it is very brave to take on employers and its actually a public service to do it as they need to be held to account. I also am not working much - just the odd bit of freelance. I like to think this is because morning sickness forced me to turn down several offers and now it's too late to take a contract.

cheese so pleased to hear about your 20-week scan.

As for me I am just delighted Xmas and new year are over. It was super stressful and there is so much going on - my mum is waiting for her chemo, my MIL is trying to sell her house (and we're very much helping), my DP is shock looking for a job, and it was like Xmas was getting in the way. I'm never like this about Xmas - i usually love it.

26 weeks and I feel like my tummy is trying to take over my body. it's pushing out and trying to fly away. Anyone else? Been doing my kick count and definitely have days of 20 kicks an hour versus days of nothing but almost undetectable flutters.


somewherebecomingrain Thu 03-Jan-13 14:31:12

VQ being Valium Queen

blueblackdye Thu 03-Jan-13 20:01:43

Somewhere, to me having a second baby opened up a whole new world, very different to the first child weirdly. Of course there are things you know about re care for the newborn etc... But learning to deal with 2 brings the challenge of parenthood to an other level. It is not double work, it is 4 times. I love my two kids but there are days when I finish dealing with one only to look after the other, it is constant attention and it is tiring. I admire VQ as she has 3 DCs and the age gap between DC2 and DC3 is only 2 years. Most Mums I know have given up BF at the arrival of the second baby and I would have too if DH has not insisted on leaving DS at nursery although I am home with baby number 2.

The world for the eldest is abruptly shaken too. All of a sudden, he is not the centre of the world anymore, he has to wait, he has to share his parents' attention, maybe their love too ? My sister warned me as her DS completely ignored his sister for about 3 years. So I bought books for kids talking about siblings, arrival of baby... : "there is a house inside my mummy" or "and after, there will be..." I don't know if they helped but from day one, DS has been wonderful with his sister, reading books to her, kissing her, bringing nappy or cream when I change her... With DH we sat down on his bed and told him that our love for him is like a big huge cake, and his sister has a big huge cake of love too, they do not share the cake, we made 2 cakes, one for each of them, he seemed quite happy with the explanation although he wet again his bed for 4 months.

Voila, VQ, Midget and Knotty have older DCs too. And we are all very happy to have given siblings to our DCs, even if it challenges the best part of us everyday.

JBrd, very sorry for your loss, take care.

Wave to every one

knottyhair Fri 04-Jan-13 08:37:58

JBrd, I'm so sorry, there are no words I know, but you're in my thoughts, and I really hope we see you back here again soon. Take care of yourself xxx
blueblackdye, love your description of the cakes! Sounds like you're doing an amazing job. With my DS, it's been hard because there aren't really any books etc. for a child of his age. I've tried to just talk to him about it, and he seems fine most of the time, obviously loves Rosa and helps out a lot (I just let him do whatever he feels OK with and make sure I show a lot of gratitude and tell him how lucky Rosa is to have him). But saying that, he's normally a really good boy and his behaviour has gone downhill a little - bit more cheeky, gets upset more quickly, and has told a few lies in the last couple of weeks (minor stuff, but not his normal self). We're trying to be patient with him, without putting up with stuff we wouldn't normally put up with IYKWIM. I've made a point of spending time with just him every day, and DP has been off as well so he does the same, and after Rosa goes down at 6.30pm, he cuddles up to us on the sofa and we watch something together and eat chocolate. But all of a sudden, he looks so grown up, and it makes me feel a bit sad I suppose, time goes by so quickly sad. On a lighter note, DP took Rosa for the first part of the night as normal but didn't bring her in to me for 2am feed as he normally does, so I woke up at 5.45 when I heard him get up for the next feed. He said he thought I deserved a good sleep, bless him! I feel much more human, and left DP in bed at 6am, where he remains! We're going to SIL's today for a belated Christmas as they were all ill for the big day, so DS should have a great time going ballistic with his cousins. I just hope Rosa naps OK over there! Sorry for the long post x

knickyknocks Fri 04-Jan-13 13:17:48

knotty how lovely of DP to give you a bit of unexpected snooze time. It makes such a difference after you've had a good sleep after so much interrupted sleep.

As for the conversations re older siblings, I'm watching the thread with interest. Got to say it seems to me that DD seems very excited at the thought of a little brother, but am totally expecting that when reality hits things may change! I've got to get on amazon and get a few books in to explain what's going to happen - that trick seemed to work well when it came to potty training (princess polly and her potty book worked a treat), so am hoping for the same success with the sibling books.

somewhere understand the tummy thing - honestly, mine is just my own anymore...god knows how things could look in 10 weeks time. I sort of dread to think. Sounds like for all sorts of reasons it's good that xmas is out of the way for you now. Things will be calmer next year - we'll have 8 and 9 month olds to entertain - how scary/exciting/tiring that will be!
cheese lovely to hear the 20-week scan went well.
scarecrow good for you for taking those tentative steps into buying something - and the white co stuff is always so lovely. I've gone from tentatively buying a few bits and pieces to starting to get a bit worried that we haven't got everything sorted yet. The nursery still needs completing, I need to get a moses basket mattress, and a buggy board. Mothercare trip awaits me and DH next week.

Positive news from me - have been signed off from consultant care - was referred to them due to an old thyroid disorder from eons ago. All has been fine for 10 years but I guess they wanted to keep an eye on me. Anyway, all remains well and I've been signed back to midwife care again. Halves the number of appointments I've got to attend so am pleased about that (have spent a vast amount of this pregnancy in waiting rooms......)

DD having a nap so best go and get her up in a sec, otherwise she won't go to bed until 9 tonight.....we've got a zoo trip planned tomorrow. Starting to feel I need to do a few special things with her before things change for good.

Leave you with this one though - not sure I've admitted to his job before but DH is a police officer. He was at work yesterday and DD asked what he does, and I said he catches naughty people - and she said innocently 'with a big net?' - if only - think all police officers should be issued with big fishing nets instead of handcuffs, will ask him to put it forward in a suggestion box grin

somewherebecomingrain Fri 04-Jan-13 14:35:43

knicky lols! that is really funny. that's a keeper hope you wrote it down somewhere. out of the mouth's of babes. We all know police reform is a tricky one - maybe this could solve it! well done on the zoo visit - i do intend to do some more of that with my DS but i did do the science museum at about 18 weeks and I still remember how destroyed I was and I have a bit of fear. But if you can do it with mild SPD then I must man up. We are starting swimming and 'dance' lessons next week, the latter involves me sitting on a chair which is ideal.

blueblackdye I love the cake metaphor too - can I steal/recycle that? Bit shock that you say it is four times the work. I bought 'there's a house inside my mummy' as well and i think it is helpful although tellingly DS is often reluctant to read it... go figure

re the perfection of just you and the one child my sister, who bless her is no poet, had a telling phrase that i always felt summed it up - 'every moment is a dewdrop'. that dewdrop perfection i imagine will be rudely shattered by the new child. recently my DS has been so cute and calm and good company but I know that there will be antagonism and shredded patience when the baby arrives. I think scarecrow there is a loss there's no way round it and knotty that is what you are saying when you say DS suddenly seems so grown up and in a way it's sad. But you have to let go of things to get new things - you can't go backwards or stand still in life.

The up side is that for single children i actually do think it's a pretty good deal - the only children i know are very confident and well adjusted and successful.

apols for my mammoth post before ( i should have apologised at the time).


blueblackdye Fri 04-Jan-13 15:29:28

Somewhere, I don't want to scare anyone about having more than one child, I am just relating my experience, DS is 4 and a really good boy apart from the sleep issue but I am categoric that although he loves his sister, he feels threatened so requires the attention he thinks he should have. As soon as I care for Anastasia, he would ask me to do something for/with him. Last night, he asked DH why Mummy did not put him to bed anymore ? It was exactly the time I fed his sister. And he woke up twice to finally wet his bed. It is what I mean by 4 times the work. Looking after one and dealing with the elder at the same time, feeling guilty not to spend enough time with the eldest... I know it is a phase, reassurance they need and they will have. It is just tiring ! But I would not change anything in the world, I am so blessed to have 2 wonderful, cute and healthy babies.
Of course feel free to use the cake metaphor.

somewherebecomingrain Fri 04-Jan-13 16:30:20

I see what you mean blueblack. It's just much more complex. But it sounds amazing too.. Sorry if it sounded like I was horrified - Didn't mean that. I hope it gets less tiring soon. Thanks again for the two cakes xxxxx

BadMissM Fri 04-Jan-13 17:13:01

bbd my 14 year old DD having angst already... until recently was just her and me, then she has become used to DH, now she has to cope with a baby too...

somewhere The stupid tribunal has taken over five years out of my life... it has cost me enormously personally and professionally, and I still don't know whether it will be to any avail... next part in February, and still might not be the end...

scarecrow am still scared to enjoy this...

Have been for my NHS scan today...tbh was a bit rubbish. The scan was so fuzzy I could hardly see anything at all. It did show a nice wiggly baby at the right point in time.... my figure was 11+4, theirs 10+6. They did let the kids in (both mine and DH's). Had a great comedy moment when DH's 6'7'' son fainted on me in slow motion during the scan...was like a giant tree falling in slow-motion!

Had better scans 15 years ago with DD tbh. Also asked again about Down's Testing because of my age.....only to be told that our PCT only offer a blood test later on, and that if I wanted a nuchal scan I could go to Manchester or Leeds for it (to the NHS) but I would have to pay, as they won't refer me. Then they told me 'It's changing in April, but it'll be too late for you. Then when I said I had an issue with having an amnio they basically told me I was paranoid and stupid, even when I told them why...

Apparently the midwife could have told me this weeks ago...

I am so so so glad that I went and had the Harmony Test now, because if I had waited for them to refuse me I would have been too late....

The other worrying thing that came up was that they said they also saw a cyst in there...but when I asked, they said it was 'probably nothing to worry about', which has only made me worry more. Have finally got booking-in appointment with consultant, but not for another 2 weeks. Really not impressed with maternity care around here so far....

knickyknocks Fri 04-Jan-13 17:34:53

Apologises all, this will probably post twice as am on blackberry (reported it as a glitch ages ago with MNHQ and I don't think anything came of it)
somewhere gawd bless you for saying you need to man up and do more. Swimming and dance for LO in one week is more than enough. Our zoo trip tomorrow although sounds good, the zoo is a stone's throw from where we live and I suspect after an hour or so, I'll need a seat or more likely, the loo.....the science museum would have wrecked me too at 18 weeks. That's a full on day. I think you're great for even for trying - we're only 40 mins by train to central London but haven't ventured there yet with DD.

badmissm it constantly surprises me how much treatment and services differ depending on where you live - I had the nuchal scan and blood test as a norm where we live. It does seem very unfair. As for the cyst, please try not to worry though understand why you're feeling anxious. I've heard of friends having cysts before during pregnancy and I seem to recall that they often leave dealing with them, then go on to have successful treatment post baby. Hope this is the same for you.

As for the only child v's more than one child chat, I will say I'm often told that as they get older two children are far easier than one if only that they entertain each other. Currently DD is on my case nearly all day long foe me to be her main entertainer. Even some minor deviation from that would be welcome! But that may be a 30 week pregnant woman talking.....grin

BadMissM Fri 04-Jan-13 18:18:36

knicky Am in the arse end of beyond North Lancs, and our medical services here are appalling. Prior to the pregnancy, it took me 6 years to get reerred to specialist Neurology Unit. TBH if I had the money, I would either go back to France where I had DD, or have the baby in London if I could (where I'm from originally). Our local maternity unit was almost closed down recently, because they were so bad...and only reprieved because the 2 next nearest were even worse...

I kind of need a bit of reassurance at the moment, and they aren't giving it...

Am just concerned cyst might affect pregnancy.... and am a bit scared.... also wonder why they didn't pick it up at FMC...might ask them to check it out when I go back there next Monday though....

Not sure my 2 will entertain each other with the 14 year age

blueblackdye Fri 04-Jan-13 20:56:49

BadMissM, just to say that in France if you choose to go in a Hopital Publique, you won't pay a centime, (you really need a mutuelle only if you use a Specialiste) just like the NHS here, but the care is pretty much the same wherever you are. But you may know that already. I feel for you, so stressful what you are going through. Will be thinking of you on 14th Jan.
I find it appalling that from one PCT to another, women don't get the same options re Down Syndrome....
Re age gap, my brother had 2 sons 12 years apart, it is like having an only child but twice, if that makes sense.
Enjoy the week end everyone.

scarecrow22 Fri 04-Jan-13 20:59:18

Thanks ladies for wise (and sometimes worrying!) words on second DCs. I'm confident DD will adore having a sibling overall, and given my DH is totally in her spell (not me, oh no, I'm dead tough I am not) I think will be good for us all ;) Give or take a bit of adjustment, obviously. Having seen other parents (we are last of family & friends) def seems to be company and help when they are a bit older, and DC2 often seems well entertained by DC1 showing off
Had such a happy, bibbling two days with DD now DH back at work, she is pretty fab company and we have been really unambiguous, scooting to get milk and frothy coffee (I still have one shot a day), going to swings, colouring and doing jigsaws. I have registered interest for a double buggy with best kids charity shop hereabouts, and bought DD a box of simple animal jigsaws and a delightful top there.
I was in two minds about double buggy but although she is a good walker I think still will be a tiny bit young to use Buggy Board all time, and I find buggy straps a good discipline threat incentive too. Gap will be 2y 4m - what you guys doing? Have been recommended Phil & Teds and Jame...
Also had 24 wk check today (is it just me or is time racing - am 24+5??) - all great except my BP bit higher than usual (elicited slight tut from roc) : I had almost run as was post nap and we overslept, but might try be healthier. I have not done meaningful exercise for six weeks, and finished choc marzipan tonight so can forswear sugary food...any other tips?? Ironically had my first body low this morning so double incentive. I miss running terribly and am so uninspired by swimming sad

Sorry BadMiss about rubbish mat services. If you go for three I recommend SW London, though glad we moved here so long ago or frankly private Harley St clinic wd be cheaper than housing!

I told DD we were going to doctor to check baby was ok and happy. She said "wan see Babi (rhymes with Abi), wan' tuddle Babi". I said you have to wait...a minute later she piped up " I tuddle Babi now?" It might be a long 15 weeks if we count down in minutes smile

riversidelibrary Fri 04-Jan-13 21:00:04

badmiss your local NHS sound a complete nightmare. I would have been very upset not to get the nuchal scan. Fingers crossed for your results from Harmony.

somewhere I hope your Mum gets her chemo dates soon, just waiting and not being able to plan is horrible. Interesting to hear about your kick the counts, I was completely going to do that but as bump doesn't seem to go ten minutes without moving it seemed redundant in the end! It does make me worried that he will never sleep when he gets out though.

scarecrow I was exactly the same as you, we didn't buy any clothes until after the second trimester, and then it was a neutral baby bro with teddies! We still only have a couple of changes of clothes for him, as everyone keeps saying that you get given lots. Hopefully we do or DP's going to be out at the 24 Tesco after the birth getting emergency clothing!

knicky I love your DD's "big net" comment, utterly fabulous. Make sure you write it down so you can tell it to her when she's older.

AFM today was my last day in the office. It should have been before Xmas but I was too exhausted to go in on the last day so they agreed I could swap it to January. Found out that my maternity cover, after a month of training her up, resigned on Xmas Eve! So now they have no one to cover my role. However I'm determined that it's not my problem, baby comes first now.

Right off to listen to my hypnotherapy CD again, finding it very relaxing.

scarecrow22 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:01:48

Unambitious, rather than unambiguous smile

scarecrow22 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:45:00

One more thought BadMiss were you on thread when I posted about demanding medical people write in notes when they refuse a request - it can be an incentive to rethink as obviously if there was later a problem they could potentially be provably negligent. I think there I'd also a patient advisory service too, called PALs or similar.

bbd meant I say I also adore the cake analogy. I also plan to pinch it! And thanks Knotty I think for book tips. Feel ready to but some now.

scarecrow22 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:46:56

Hurrah Riverside for last day at work (x posted) and you are fab with relaxing cd. An inspiration. Sleep well

scarecrow22 Fri 04-Jan-13 22:09:21

Sorry to keep focus. bbd it is you I have to thank for book recommendations, but can't find "And after there will be..." - closest Amazon found was "After Armageddon..." ! Any more clues?

Also when scrolling back, Riverside I adore 50 before 50 idea. I have been sort of doing similar lists of five things in next year in the past, but this is the daddy of such lists! Do say if not too revealing what some are/were. I can live vicariously!

BadMissM Fri 04-Jan-13 23:24:36

scarecrow I know, DH said we should have asked them to write it down when they refused it.... I might get in touch with PALS too... DH's son fainting on me in the middle of the scan may have slightly wrong-footed us!

I should have moved back to London when I could...can't even afford to live where I grew up (North London). Was briefly there in 2003-5 but on one salary was impossible to I came up here...

bbd Had baby before DD in a Hopital Publique..I still have a Secu number too. Can keep it as an option if they get any more rubbish...or just arrange to happen to be standing outside the Hopital Franco-Britannique when the contractions start smile. Our PCT is rubbish for pretty much everything. My migraines have steadily worsened in last 8 years, and here...I still haven't had any kind of scan. In France had 8 in about a year!

riverside Have my fingers and toes crossed for Harmony. My BF (who still lives in London) is coming with me to hold my hand and nosey at the scan.

knicky The 'big net' thing is brilliant!

Thanks for all the nice words everyone...makes me feel a bit better... thanks

CaliBee Sat 05-Jan-13 09:31:55

Morning ladies..
First of all thankyou so much for your good thoughts.
I'm still none the wiser as to weather my pregnancy is a viable one. HCG levels were 11000 and 15000 after 48 hours which nurses said wasnt conclusive enough.... so I have to wait for another scan on Monday. Sadly DP goes back to barracks on Sunday so not able to come with me.

BadMissM Sat 05-Jan-13 13:00:39

Oh, calibee crosses fingers and toes for you xxx

eagleray Sat 05-Jan-13 14:11:31

Calibee - sorry you are still waiting to hear what is happening. Do you have anyone else who can go with you on Monday? I will be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed.

I seem to have moved to a new stage in this pregnancy - these last few days I feel like a truckload of hormones have arrived and my body is changing drastically. Up until now I have been stretchmark-free and then yesterday I noticed that the underside of my bump was horribly streaked. My boobs have suddenly changed too - it's all normal stuff but it's the fact that it seemed to happen overnight and the shock of it not looking like my body any more (I wonder if this is how Jeff Goldblum felt in The Fly?)

The carpet fitters were here yesterday and virtually destroyed the house in the process - need to spend some time today clearing up (it was coir carpet and it makes such a mess) but really feel incapable of anything. Also feel sick on and off and tearful. What a difference a few days make! One minute I am invincible and the next I can barely move off the sofa and am terrified of everything.

Got sweep booked for next weds - if things are looking favourable. Now I just need to keep calm...

BBD - my friend used a phrase when she had her second DD - 'having one is like keeping a pet, but two is like having a zoo', which is what I think you are experiencing! I cannot imagine being pregnant again - if I was younger then definitely yes, but due to age it would have to be bloody quick if it was to happen at all.

Riverside - glad you have had your last day in the office - what a relief! That's v unfortunate about the maternity cover resigning, but as you say, it's not your problem now and you have bigger fish to fry...

Right - off to try and fix the hoover with DP (yes, the carpet fitters broke that too, as well as damaging my hall floor angry )

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