DH really disappointed that DC2 will be a boy

[bean612]

We already have a DD, aged 3, and have just had our 20-week scan and discovered DC2 is a boy. It took me quite some time to persuade DH to have another child (like about 2 years!), and obviously while he knew the chances were 50/50, he was very open about wanting another girl. I guess he's the opposite to many men, who really want boys because that's what they know and they feel more comfortable that way, but DH is really not a boys' boy - hates sport, is into cooking, arts, etc, (yes I know I'm gender stereotyping but you know what I mean ) has far more female friends than male, etc.

I did always know that he felt funny about the idea of having a boy, but I also know him extremely well and am about 95% sure that when he actually sees the baby and holds him, looks after him, and so on, that he will fall in love with him and that after a while the preference will be a distant memory. He is very, very hands-on with DD and I expect he will be the same with DS, because that's just the sort of person (father) he is. But the other 5% is really worried, particularly since I was the one who pushed for DC2 (he is an only child and would have been happy with one) - though I should stress that I didn't force his hand, and that he did willingly agree to try for DC2.

I guess it would just be nice to hear from anyone who's had a similar experience, and what the outcome was. It seems far more common for men to be disappointed at the news they're having a girl - though maybe the dilemma is the same in the end, since it's about loving a baby regardless of their gender. Did your DH come round? Is there anything you/they did that helped them to come to terms with their feelings?

[margerykemp]

My DP would rather have (another) DDthan a DS.

Just because it's about doesn't mean you have to give in to the football/game console pattern of boyhood.

Give him DD's old toys and don't treat him differently from her and everyone will be happy.

[GlaikitFizzog]

What's to say you son won't be exactly like his dad? And even if he's not, wel that's just how things go.

Have to said to him DD may grow up to be into football and cars, climbing trees and catching snails.

I was a girly girl, my sister into football and sports, no interest in make up dressing up.

He is allowed to be a little disappointed for a minute, but he is having a son, a little boy. A baby, he should be over the moon.

[OatyBeatie]

I think it is important for parents to feel that they "have permission" to feel disappointed or worried about gender. If you feel guilty about those feelings, that in itself can add in an extra layer of alienation from the child. You start to think: I'm a rubbish parent for preferring another gender, I'm letting him/her down, s/he makes me feel bad, etc.

And it is ok really fine! to spend some time "not bonding". Speaking in general, not just about your dh, I'm sure that if you are easy on yourself during this period of feeling a bit cool towards the new baby, then all the feelings of love and closeness will come in spades once you start relating to your child as an individual, not just as a gender, That will happen.

My own experience was of feeling a bit disappointed that my second child was a second boy. The feeling passes, and soon becomes a bizarre memory of some remote feeling you had about a stranger, before you knew your own child personally!

[whatsonyourplate]

What was his relationship with his own dad like? I ask because my DP had a very poor relationship with his dad. He loved our DD so much and didn't think he could love a boy the same way, but of course once DS was here he realised how wrong he'd been, and worked very hard to make sure he didn't repeat the pattern his and his father's relationship had taken.

[bean612]

Actually, whatsonyourplate, I think you've hit on something quite significant there - he doesn't have a dad, or at least, his dad disappeared before he was born so he never had a father-son relationship at all. He grew up with his mum and grandparents (domineering grandmother, quiet grandfather), which I'm sure is why he's more naturally drawn to female company. I guess him having no father-son frame of reference could be a big factor.

And Oaty, thank you, I think you're right about it being okay to be disappointed for a while. I actually thought maybe it was better if we didn't find out in advance, so he didn't have time to dwell on it if it was a boy, but now I think it's much better that he has time to think about it and get used to the idea, rather than hoping right up until the last minute, i.e. the birth, that it will be a girl.

And indeed it's quite true that DS will turn out to be like him, and that DD might end up not girly at all. She does love climbing trees (or trying to!), playing in mud, playing with cars, etc - though she also loves tea parties and pink pink pink... I hate that all this makes me think so much about gender stereotyping - what girls or boys 'should' or 'shouldn't' do/be...

[bean612]

that DS might turn out to be like him