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To find out or not?

(13 Posts)
ddas Wed 12-Sep-12 00:05:10

I'm 27 wks pregnant with dc2 and with no 1 we found out gender at 20wk scan- our lovely ds. This time we decided to wait for the surprise as we felt the most important thing to us was that they were healthy rather than what gender they were. My dh still feels very much like that but as time goes on I'm feeling more & more that I want to know. Think it's partially as secretly think would love to have a girl and would rather find out now that it's a boy so have time to get used to the idea that likely won't be having a daughter ( we're planning on only having 2dc). Also as we are now looking in shops for double buggies etc see all the pink things and gets me wondering. Keep telling myself that the most important thing is that they are healthy & will love them whatever when they come but can't get rid of this 'i'm now desperate to find out now' feeling. So much so that I've been considering the crazy thought of maybe having a private scan with my poor mum who I've roped in to find out sex without dh knowing. Or may just beg dh for us to find out.
Has anyone else thought or has done this? Or has anyone else initially not found out but then changed their minds- & where you glad you did or regretted it? Especially if you had a slight gender preference ( yes taboo I know!!!).

phoenixrose314 Wed 12-Sep-12 05:30:10

Ashamed to admit it, but I've had the same fleeting thoughts. It's my first and probably only, for health reasons, and I desperately want to know, simply because this is the only child I am ever likely to have and I want to feel connected to them in the way you only can be when you know what you're having.

DH is adamant we do not find out. He already has 2 kids from a previous marriage so it annoys me that he's being so stubborn about it when he's already done this twice!

I have had same idea, going to a private scan on my own to find out... I don't think I actually would as it'd be too hard to keep it to myself, and I couldn't cope with the guilt of having kept it from DH - but I can't help the wondering.

MaMaPo Wed 12-Sep-12 07:33:57

I'm 27 weeks too and my husband and I could not agree on this - he wanted to find out, I didn't. We spent a bit of time discussing it (trying to convince each other) but finally agreed to flip a coin to see who won. Did it in the waiting room of the 20 weeks scan! I won so we haven't found out, but I did ask the sonographer to write it down so we have a secret envelope in the house with the information in it. So far neither of us has cracked.

It's up to you two how you manage it, but I couldn't conceive of knowing when he didn't know, or vice versa. I feel strongly that we're in this together and this is far from the last thing we're going to disagree or compromise on, so we'd better get good at it! (I admit it's easier when things have gone my way).

Have you explained your changed feelings to your other half?

SecretCermonials Wed 12-Sep-12 07:43:13

I am 23 +4 with DS2, with DS1 we didnt find out but this time i wanted to know as we had saved a lot of clothing, shoes etc. obviously scan isnt 100% but we've been told boy at two scans so ive felt comfortable to wash all the Clothes and buy a few second hand bundles, this baby now had a wardrobe up to 6 months grin

For me it was organisation but whatever your reason if you want to know whats the harm?As long as you will love the child regardless i mean. I only say that as I had a friend who found out as she was another boy and locked herself away to cry about it... confused thats not a disappointment I can understand, not to that level.

Marmiteisyummy Wed 12-Sep-12 07:52:28

I found out with DS and will again this time if all goes well, 10+2.
With my first I thought I was having a girl, not for any good reason, and when I found out it was. Boy I had a fleeting few seconds of disappointment. I wouldn't have it any other way now of course, but I'm so glad I found out. This time I'd rather like another boy, but would be very happy with either, but still need time to process it before meeting them.

I think if you feel there may be disappointment, even fleeting, then it's better to find out before. I would have hated my first emotion on meeting DS to have anything to do with disappointment. But then I'm not a surprise person!

I really don't think you should do it without your DH though. It'll come out eventually and he may be very upset.

parttimedomesticgoddess Wed 12-Sep-12 07:55:32

With DD2, I wanted to find out and DH didn't. As it happened, I had extra scans due to my antenatal history and I suggested he only needed to come to he wasn't able to get away from work for any but the 20 week scan. I found outamd because he didn't want to know, entirely kept it to myself. It may have helped that I didn't 100% believe we were having a second daughter, but we don't have secrets ever, and it was fine for both of us this way

Dogsmom Wed 12-Sep-12 08:28:59

We're having a private gender scan next saturday at 16 weeks, luckily we both want to know but if hubby didn't then I'd have a scan on my own but I'd be honest and tell him what I was doing, if he didnt like it then tough, why should I not know because it's his choice? this way we'd both be doing what suited us, obviously I wouldn't then go and buy gender specific items or give wry smiles.

I too have a preference and want time to get used to the idea if it's the opposite, I know I'd have the odd pang when he/she is born and want it all dealt with in my head so the birth can be special plus I want to shop, I've bought the odd white or lemon outfit but it's not the same as buying something that suits their gender, I also don't want beige high chairs, bouncers etc and I don't want to be forced to go out shopping in the early days.

sammyleh Wed 12-Sep-12 09:38:22

I'm 34 weeks now and we found out. Initially we couldn't decide because the idea of just not knowing was lovely and we'd have enjoyed the surprise. However, DP's Nanna was very ill and we weren't sure she would be with us when baby was born. Sadly she passed away at around 28 weeks but we found out for her sake as we wanted her to know whether she was going to have a Great Grandaughter or Grandson. We were also able to tell her the name we had chosen too, and we're so glad we did. She died happily knowing more than anyone else about our baby as we've not told anyone else a thing smile

Naisy Wed 12-Sep-12 10:15:33

I would suggest if you do find out, take a bit of paper and an envelope and ask the sonographer to write it down. That way you can choose to open it in private. I've dealt with gender disappointment in a scan before and it wasn't nice for me or my OH...

CountryKitty Wed 12-Sep-12 11:24:52

Hi we've found out with all 3DD (currently 21 weeks with DD3). I think it's a surprise whether you find out now or at the birth. I personally feel so much closer to my baby knowing what sex she is and it has made it more 'real' for our 2DD's. On the other hand my sister didn't find out with and of her 3 what she was having until the birth. There's not a right or wrong time to find out - do what you want.

P.S. I like the idea of the envelope if you're not quite sure.

ddas Wed 12-Sep-12 17:24:54

Thanks for all the replies. Think I'll bring it up with dh tonight & see how I get on. Like the envelope idea as then we can do it in private & still make it special as have to admit last time the sonographer suddenly telling us without warning what we were having wasn't quite how we'd imagined finding out. Also having the envelope infront of me may make me change my mind!!
Maybe if he knows it'll just be us that knows & we won't tell anyone he'll be happier with it- will just wait & see what he says. Wish me luck!!!

ddas Sat 22-Sep-12 20:25:01

Just to update: talked to DH and we decided to find out. They wrote it in an envelope & we sat & found out in private later on which definitely was the best way for us so thank you for those of you that suggested it. Turns out it looks like we're having a little girl smile and most importantly looks healthy so far so all in all very very happy!!

ddas Sat 22-Sep-12 20:27:12

But we have decided though that we will just keep this lovely secret to ourselves so still will be a surprise when they are born to everyone else and makes it feel more special that just the two of us know.

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