Worried about becoming a mum!

[sunshineseven]

Hi,
I was told last year that I had pcos and having children would be difficult. To cut a long story short, I am now 23 weeks pregnant! I was never someone desparate for children but when I was told that they may not factor in my future it made me sad so it was a nice surprise to be pregnant (I'm 36 years old).

I have days where I am excited but other days I just feel terrified! I have a nice life - job I enjoy, lovely husband, lots of sleep, good social life and I fear that all this will disappear when I have a baby and whether I will cope. I appreciate it's life changing and the lack of sleep etc.. but would love to hear positive comments about being a parent (particularly one intheir thirties). I feel that when I speak to people with children they take great pleasure in saying, 'just you wait...' and 'you won't be able to do that when your a mum...(e.g. go on holiday, have fun etc...'! They the tell me about their post-natal depression etc... Surely, there must be good things too otherwise why do people have more children?

I don't want to sound ungrateful at being pregnant, I am v lucky but as the times progresses I just worry about it all the time!

Thank you in anticipation....

[elvislives2012]

This is so normal! I feel exactly the same way and I'd always wanted children. I'm 32 now and 23 weeks too (when are u due? Come to the October thread!) and some days I'm just not sure if I'm going to be any good at this parenting thing. There's a lot you give up but the way I see it is we will have so much to look forward to and new experiences and challenges.
Ignore the moaners people wouldn't have them if they didn't love it. I'm looking forward to going on holiday with the baby and exploring places I wouldnt have done if I'd still be child free. Don't worry I bet you'll love it!

[sunshineseven]

Thank you! - it's so nice to hear positives! I'm due in October too so will joi the thread!

[elvislives2012]

Good idea, they keep me sane because we are all worrying about the same thing! Look for us on the antenatal bOard. Here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/1469765-October-2012-pinks-blues-kicking-us-into-summer

[WestWinger]

Very normal to have those emotions in pregnancy. I'm 35, had DD1 at 33 and DC2 due in November.

Life doesn't get worse, it just changes. Not the same at all, but as an example your life changed when you're in your thirties compared to your twenties. Holidays are different, less relaxing for a start (!) but you take pleasure in your child's pleasure. They find the simplest things so exciting and enjoyable: the swimming pool, the beach, an ice cream, a ride on a bus / train etc. Watching them discover their world is a true joy. You take pride in their achievements and reaching milestones.

I was lucky on the sleep front, but generally, the sleepless nights don't last that long in the overall scheme of things (am bracing myself for a worse baby this time!).

You still get to go out as a couple and have fun, you just need to be organised and get a grandparent or babysitter. Life isn't as spontaneous, but children can adapt to your life, rather than you totally changing yours around them, but that is a matter of personal preference.

Then there is the small matter of the total, unconditional, fierce love that you will feel for your little one. And when they cuddle you back, or say they love you, or show affection - you can't beat that!!!

Enjoy your little bundle of joy when they arrive! :)

[nomoreminibreaks]

I felt the same. Late on in my pregnancy when everyone seems to be getting impatient to give birth, I was wishing it would last a bit longer.

I too had a lovely life before - enough money, enjoyed my job, spent lots of time with friends, weekends away... It didn't feel like there was a huge child-size gap I was desperate to fill but I knew I wanted to have children and we were lucky enough to get pregnant quickly.

I had a difficult birth and a very difficult first few months and at times wondered why I'd wanted to change my life as it was so easy before.

Sometimes I do still miss the freedom I had before but I suspect that if I did go back in time and spend a week like that it would feel empty. Not saying I wouldn't appreciate the sleep though...

Make the most of your time before giving birth, be spontaneous and enjoy it. Your life will change more than you'll believe but it will be worth it.

[Midgetm]

I was exactly in your shoes at 36 and after recurrent miscarriages I didn't expect to get pregnant. I was incredibly happy with my life and It has changed it completely, but all for the better. I can't imagine life without DD and now pregnant with number 2. I found being settled and being an older mum made it easier for me. I still do everything I used to do hangovers aren't a lot of fun but they never were anyway and I have never once regretted my decision. It's only human to worry about it though. Good luck.

[whatlauradid]

Life does change but to what extent is up to you and your circumstances ie. money for nights out and a babysitter, childminders/daycare while in work, whether you want to be away from your baby so much. It's very hard to tell how you'll feel.

For me motherhood means more anxiety, an extra 15 minutes before leaving the house and barely any social life as I don't work or have a big income. At the same time if I did have a big income I don't think I would want to be away from my children a lot after work as I'm so used to being here and although they can be annoying, I love my time with them.

Life changes as much as you want it to. There are some women who are very hands off and some who are very hands on and neither one is the right way, only what's right for you and your family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm not in my thirties but this is just my experience.

[MerryMarigold]

Regardless of the ups and downs of having kids, there's many, many times in the day where I'm so grateful for them. They are hilarious and make me laugh all the time. They love me unconditionally and think I am amazing. They get so much joy out of life, even small things like bouncing on a bed, or finding a feather in the road. It's a constant source of encouragement and enjoyment. (I was 33 when I had ds1 and 36 when I had twins).

[MerryMarigold]

[constant doesn't mean there aren't annoying and even awful times, but that the enjoyment is quickly back again, and is much more frequent]

[doblet]

WestWinger put it so well, I want to echo her post.
Life is different but that's not necessarily a bad thing. My social life has changed a lot and I prefer it this way. I made a lot of new friends who I see during the week. Weekends are more about socialising during the day, visiting friends, organising bbqs and evenings are about crashing on the sofa. We do have friends over for dinner or get a babysitter and go out but it's far more infrequent. Of course this means I can insist on posh restaurants when we do go out!
I would encourage you to do an nct class to meet other mums and do some baby classes once dc arrives. If you don't like the mums you meet there, keep trying till you find ones that you do like! My mum friends have been invaluable to me during the harder times.

[ButtonBoo]

This kind of worrying is so normal. I had always wanted children but making the decision to ttc was still tough. I was the original party girl, great job, earning good money, travelling etc and my do and I were quite spontaneous in terms of taking holidays, road trips, even just going out to do things day and night. We kept saying next year, when we've moved house, when we've saved a bit more etc. 101 reasons to wait a while...

Then 2 years ago I 'suddenly' realised I was 33 (funny how age creeps up on you!!) and it occurrd to me that if I wanted more than one child I needed to start thinking seriously about ttc. It then became a major worry, whether I could get pg, would I be a good mum etc etc

I came off the pill and was pg within 2 weeks. DD is now 8mo (born Oct 2011) and yes, life has changed but not in ways I'm bothered about. Yes, we aren't as spontaneous as we used to be but we haven't stopped doing stuff. DD is wonderfully adaptable and we do things now as a family. Old friends are still here but I've made a massive circle of new friends (other new mums with babies same age) through various baby groups/classes. We're off on holiday in a few weeks. We've taken DD camping with a large group of friends (which was fantastic fun). We don't manage to get out in the evenings as much anymore, but have more friends over for dinner now. I was ebf but now DD is weaned and I'm only bf early morning and bedtime, dp and I can nip out for a meal occassionally as Nana covers babysitting duty.

Life has changed...but not for the worse at all. It's just different. I'm not interested in staying out til the early hours anymore but it doesn't mean we've forgotten to have fun.

And as for £££. We got a lot of stuff given to us by BIL and SIL who had 2dc already so we didn't have to spend that much. I was actually surprised at how little babies cost in the first year, aside from the initial outlay. I guess the £££ comes when they're a little older!!?!

Babies don't stop you being you or doing the things you love, they just require a little bit more planning. Think of all those new things you'll do that you wouldn't have maybe done without a baby. A whole of new experiences and adventures, creating wonderful family memories....

Congratulations and welcome to a whole new world. the fun is about to begin!!

[mrsv2]

i agree with the others.....im 40 and 26 weeks pg with number 2....DD1 is only 15months old. Life is different but its good, change what you want to change but you dont have to change everything. We still have nice meals out, but we do it at lunch time instead, when you get the chance of a babysitter take it and go to the cimema......and its so hard to imagine the love you feel for this litle person and the joy they bring, you really will wonder what you did with your life and time before. Its great and i wouldnt change it for the world

[sedgieloo]

Hello sunshine, I'm supposed to be packing not online so I have not read all the replies. I was 37 with my first, and never particularly maternal. Totally terrified about it.

People would say - I can't imagine you with a baby (when I was pregnant) I would reply - nor can I?!

As it turned out was a VERY nervous new mum, I could hardly have been worse to be honest. Felt like I had no instincts and read every book going about what to do. Stomach in a knot everytime she whined, constantly thinking - what do I do now?!?

Then...suddenly I found a routine that worked for her/us (around 5 months) of naps feeds etc. and every day since then I have enjoyed it more and more and more.

And now...I'm am a really breezy mum. I was married 16 years before she was born - imagine the change. She has totally transformed my/our life for the better, we have never been happier. She is 20 months and a total joy. I love being a mum (I think I'm quite good at it too, after the difficult start this amazes me) I feel quite confident and relaxed. She thrives. My husband his mum says it and our friends...has never been happier. We are expecting our second now. If I had started earlier I would have had LOADS. I am a million times more excited about this baby now I know how wonderful it can be. There is a reason why people have babies and keep having them - family life can be so wonderful.

soooooooooooo...I think you will love it :)

[ShushBaby]

Life does change, and it can be hard, and I certainly don't have the relaxing/spontaneous times I used to enjoy...

BUT

I don't WANT those times back (well maybe for a weekend once in a while... but once the child is a certain age, this can be arranged, with the help of daddy/childcare/relatives!).

Positives about being a parent... I am welling up just thinking about it. My 2 year old daughter is quite simply the most wonderful person I have ever met and the biggest joy in my life. It is mindblowing to watch her develop- and these days, to have a conversation with her! Me, dp and dd love going to the pub on a saturday afternoon- she colours in and eats 'crispies' while we have one or two drinks. When she looks after her dolls it melts me- 'it's alright, baby, I know baby, I make you better'. Knowing she is tucked up asleep, safely in her bed, is the most peaceful and comforting feeling I can imagine. I love discovering fantastic children's books with her, playing imagative games (which she has just started to do), the list goes on...

She has made me believe i am a good person. She took all the fears I had about being a parent (I had plenty!) and blew them out of the water. She teaches me patience (ahem). She has a sense of wonder about tiny things that can't help but rub off on me.

And when you hear the first 'I love you mummy's. Well...

Sorry to be mushy, but it's all as good as that, and better!

ps Also, the great thing about kids is that (after the first few weeks/months in some cases) you can put them to bed early and hopefully have a proper evening, with wine and telly and conversation and other things that adults need!

[Mikyahrose]

What a fantastic thread! All these lovely posts brought tears to my eyes.

I'm 27+2 and have these feelings of 'what about MY life'. But reading above has made me so excited for what's ahead.

[TheToadLessTravelled]

One thing I worried about was people saying 'life will never be the same'. I thought that meant the logistics of being a mum would stop me going out, travelling, having a high pressure job etc.

I speny much of my time during pregnancy figuring out how I could keep my life the same (get a nanny, plan date nights, etc etc). Funny thing is though that it's not the logistics that are the issue, I actually don't want my old life now we have ds. I would rather watch him sleeping while on MN than go to the pub etc. Motherhood changes you, but in wonderful ways.

Just keep positive through the tough early weeks, and keep an open mind about what your life will be like. It may be different but it will be great!

[ButtonBoo]

Aw shushbaby! You're making me want to have another now!!!

[ShushBaby]

We are having another buttonboo! And I'm way more excited than nervous this time...

[ButtonBoo]

Congrats shushbaby!!! Bet your DD is excited too?! My DD is only 8mo and DP has vetoed another for at least a year. Boo...hiss!!!

[ShushBaby]

Um... she doesn't know yet! Feel like it's too far off for her to understand (am only 20 weeks). Am looking forward to telling her, but feel a bit sorry for her in advance!

[SquealyB]

Hi all

I am 9 weeks PG and just wanted to day how amazing and lovely this thread is. At my desk holding back the tears and very excited about being a Mum. Thanks for all your stories x

[ButtonBoo]

Congrats squealyb! Its hard not telling anyone isn't it?! But I remember back to when I did my first of test and sat in shock thinking 'I'm the only person in the whole world who knows I have a baby in my tummy'. DP was out with friends that night so didn't tell him until the following morning, I loved those few hours with my special secret!!

[mermaid101]

Don't worry sunshine. I was exactly the same as you, good life, really happy with it, fearful of the change. My DD is 9 months old now and it's fine.

I found the first six weeks very hard and I really mourned for my old life. I read a thread on here around that time and it said something like this:

When you emerge from the newborn fug, you will realise the following things; you can go back to work, babies can be babysat while you go out, you can still see your friends and you life at home will be the same, only better, fuller, bigger and lovelier than before.

I really wish I could remember who posted that because never a truer word was spoken in my opinion. Those words were my mantra in the difficult first days. So if whoever posted them is reading this now - thank you. you made a big difference to me.

So good luck sunshine. If I can do it, you can do it. If you find it really hard at first and want to run back to your old life, please don't worry. This is normal. I remember literally weeping with relief when my sister asked me if I had felt like this. I thought there was something wrong with me. On the other hand, lots of my friends in a similar situation to ours took to motherhood like a duck to water from day one.

A final happy note: when I was pregnant people used to seem to delight in regaling me with all the things I loved which wouldn't be able to do anymore (mainly reading and watching TV) Done loads of both in the last 9 months!