Do we or don't we?

[casper91]

Hi there. Just hoping for some friendly advice really.
I am 20 years old, in a long term relationship with a 27yr old partner. About 6 months ago, I had weird discharge during my period which I mentioned to my mum, who said it sounded like a miscarriage. The chances of it actually being a miscarriage are slim, as I'm on the pill and don't ever forget to take it. I also told my partner. Ever since then, every month I'm finding myself hoping against hope that I am somehow pregnant (ridiculous I know when I'm on the pill) and usually convincing myself that I might be (e.g. "I was sick the other week so the pill might not be effective") and then obviously being disappointed when I'm not.
We've discussed having a child, and both seem to be all for it, right now. There are things that just won't allow me to say yes aloud though -I could do with a better job than I'm in, for a start, and I don't want to disappoint my parents. They'd be delighted eventually, but I can't bear the thought of my dad's face when I first tell him. And I would like to start furthering my education and not sure if I would get this done with a baby to look after too. Plus about a million other factors thrown in.
Friends have told me just go for it because there's never a "good time", so to speak, and my partner keeps saying that there will always be excuses not to.
I do not want to bring a child into this world and not give it the best life possible, but I also don't want to spend the next few months/years/however long constantly thinking about and yearning for a child, like I seem to be doing now.
Sorry for the essay! Any advice or thoughts are welcome, I just want to get some fresh opinions on this.
Thanks in advance xxx

[MalibuStacy]

You are far too young! What else do you want to do with your life? Buy a house? A nice car? Travel?

[MrsHoarder]

You've got years to have a baby in: do you have a job to support three of you, a home with space to bring a child up in, savings to cover unexpected costs (not lots, but a few months of living costs at least) and the legal protection of marriage to your partner?

I spent 6 years between starting to want a baby and getting pregnant. I did a university degree, got married and moved into our first house as a couple before we considered it. I didn't wait for the "perfect" time, because that clearly doesn't exist, but you need to worry about doing the best you can to set up a stable home and family foundation before getting pregnant. Obviously people do have children in non-ideal circumstances, but a couple more years planning and setting the foundations for your future life may well pay off in the future.

You are right, there is never a "good time", but think about your wider plans for the next 5 years. If these include education, marriage etc then would it be better to wait until after that?

Don't worry about disappointing your parents exactly though: I still worried about that even with these things in place. Admittedly I had also been made redundant and was in the middle of setting up a plan to invest further in my education, but there isn't a perfect time and we would be very suprised if DH couldn't support the three of us for the next 2-3 years whilst I have time off with baby and re-establish my career.

Ultimately it is between you and your partner however!

[casper91]

Yes, that is another thing that I keep thinking. But then I think, isn't there always going to be something more I want out of life? Aren't there people (many, many friends of mine) who have gotten themselves pregnant at fifteen, sixteen etc, unplanned and ended up without the father. Is it not better to bring a child into the world wanted, planned and loved?
Not having a go by the way, or saying I disagree! I want to think everything through and make a well thought out, informed decision about this, with everything planned and sorted as much as possible beforehand.I just can't take much more of constantly picturing the child I might create :(
Thank you for the response x

[MrsHoarder]

Forgot to say: if you do desperately want a child but want something in place first, that is a good way to motivate yourself to sort it out!

Set yourself the target that you'll review the situation once you've reached a few aims: passed course, learnt to drive, saved x money for example. You can achieve these if you stay focussed on the aim that this is what you need before you can ttc, and turn that yearning into something positive in the near future too!

[casper91]

Sorry, ttc?

[MrsHoarder]

ttc=trying to conceive

[casper91]

Of course, thank you. I had it in my head that it was 'take total care' :/

[confuzed90]

So I'm 21 got a 2 and a half year old. And 28 weeks pregnant with DS2, its all completely your choice, can do anything if you put ur mind to it, yes you give up a lot, like going out with mates and holidays, but I find having my boy was way more rewarding. And as for your career..when I was pregnant with DS1 I managed to complete level 2 beauty therapy course, and work full time. I then went on when he was born and did level 3, I am now a fully qualified beauty therapist. Ok nows the shock, lol, I didn't enjoy it as it wasn't my dream job, I thought because I had a baby I couldn't do my dream job, paramedic. I am now studying to be a paramedic whilst pregnant and got a toddler, and I am doing extremely well and very determined to graduate.long way to go yet but I find when I'm feeling a bit weak, I look at my boy and I remember why I'm doing it. To give my family the best I can and for me of course, it is very do-able no matter what people say, I find myself more grown up and mature and find that I do better with my work because of my maturity and because I know the end result. Just thought I'd share that with you, just because you have/want a child, doesn't mean career prospects have to stop.having my son so young was the best thing I did, fair enough though everyone is different.

[threecurrantbuns]

I am now 27 and my dh is 37. We had our first child when i was 21. I am now pregnant with our fourth and final baby.

I have always been maternal knew i wanted children and possibly a large family.

I love being a Mummy and i see it as my 'job' to do my absolute best by them, no matter what i have to sacrifice. You do sacrifice alot, i gave up my career and finacial independence, this was my hardest sacrifice. I dont get out with friends as much as i would have. But its a very personal thing, for me i feel that whatever i have sacrificed will never come close to how much i love looking after my children and bringing them up myself, having the time needed for them etc.

I will say though it is a shock and nothing prepares you for the reality of being a parent.

Also we were in/still in a good situation. We own a lovely home large enough for us all, in a fantastic area next to good school etc. We have good enough cars (we live in a village so necessity). We lead a happy life with some small luxuries for example we can go away once a yr and our eldest two do an activity each outside of school.

Most importantly we are able to pay our bill and are finacially stable on dhs income alone. We decided that we would rather one of uus take on the full time care of the children at least until they are all of school age. I am also able to continue my previous work on a self employed basis if i need to.

I have never once regretted going for it BUT it is hard work, you need to be sure you are happy and i would not want to go into it without a stable home/finacial situation. Think unfortunately being a parent in selfless and expensive and the strain of not being able to get by would be immense and a big strain on a family.

If you are able to 'plan' a pregnancy i think you have to be sure you are happy to put some things you may want to do on hold, depending on your situation. Like further education, many people successfully continue that with children, but its about choices. I personally didnt want my children to be in childcare (apart from preschool sessions) therefore i decided to put my career/further education on the back burner. When my youngest is an 'adult' i will be 47. I dont feel atm that that will be too old to do other things i would like to do during my lifetime.