First pregnancy at 38, and completely unsure I want it

[NewMomRYM]

Hi Everyone,
I have never posted here or any any similar sites before. this is all very new to me. I just found out that I'm pregnant the other day. My husband and I are both 38, and we don't have any children. We said that we'd try to get pregnant, but didn't go out of our way to become pregnant. We just said that if it happens that would be great, but if it doesn't we will deal with that too. Well, I took a pregnancy test Sunday morning and it was positive. I was completely terrified and started to cry, but not because I was happy, but more because I was upset, confused and completely unsure. it's one thing to want to have kids in theory, but the reality of being pregnant comes with unexpeted emotions. I thought I would be so happy and excited, but I'm not at all. the opposite...Now I'm not even sure that I want to have a baby. I keep thinking about how my life will change forever and that I'll completely lose my freedom to do what I want when I want. I'm sorry if this sounds selfish, but I'm being honest about my feelings. I read other posts where people have very similar feelings so I'm sure it's not abnormal. I also read that many people felt this way, and then felt overjoyed when the baby was born. I hope my feelings will change. None of my friends have kids, and I'll be the first one, and I don't feel that they can relate to what I am going through because of this. Luckily, my husband is very supportive. he is thrilled about the pregnancy. I wish I was too, but I'm not feeling that way. I worry that I'll feel this way my entire pregnancy, and that I will not feel like I'm able to bond with my baby. Sometime I feel so low, that I almost wish this was a false alarm or like I would be so relieved if I found out that I really wasn't pregnant. I just wanted to hear from other people who've been through this before. Is there anything I can do to start getting more excited about the pregnancy and having a child? Thank you for taking the time read this and for any words or insights you can share.

[keely027]

well if its any help i was trying for 6 years to concieve via ivf. when i fell i was terrified, the exact thoughts was 'my god what have i done'? I am 37. it was a shock and its terrfiying thinking about how a baby will impact my life. Just have to have faith that once its born the positive will out weigh the negative thoughts. you do get 9 months to get used to the idea :)

[Booboostoo]

I am 38 and gave birth to DD 8 months ago. I can't tell you what you will feel, but for what it's worth I found the positive pregnancy test to be a shock, even though we had been trying (in a relaxed way) for a while. I got more and more excited as time went on, while DP went into total melt-down worrying about it all.

When DD arrived everything was absolutely fine and it felt like she had always been part of our lives. I am finding I want to scale down on work and be a SAHM as I don't want to miss a moment of time with her. We are trying for DC2 and to be honest I would love a DC3.

For me, I think that having children later on worked really well (although I appreciate there are no guarrantees that we will be able to have more). When I was younger I was more carreer focused and very into my horses and I think I would have resented a bit the time a baby requires. Now I am more chilled and the baby seems more important than anything else, hands down and with no regrets.

Give the information a bit of time to sink in...

[NewMomRYM]

Thank you Keely - glad I'm not in this boat by myself. Hopefully, we'll both get used to the idea very soon. Good luck to you and your new baby! :)

[NewMomRYM]

Thank you booboostoo. that's good to hear and good to know. As I read more about the feelings changing into positive after a while, it does give me some hope! :)

[georgethecat]

Give yourself time and allow yourself to freak out. It is a shock even if semi planned whether you are 18 or 38. I felt that I was trapped on an unstoppable conveyor belt and had lots of thoughts about abortion, I can't cope, I cant do this. Then I had a MC and although there was a little relief there was 90% devastation and I realised what a process over 2 months I had been though to get used to the idea. Luckily I quickly became pregnant again, I still freaked out again! but the scan started to perk me up.
I am 36wks now and prone to the odd freak out but nothing like the first couple of wks. Someone on here said its the reason why you get 9 months to get used to the idea, it is a huge thing and it is stressful. Don't overwhelm yourself by thinking you have to feel a certain way and have to do everything at once. I used to have palpitations going into mothercare as I used to think that I had to know it all and deal with it all right there and then.
When I was at you stage, I did lots of looking after me, massages & pampering which helped.
Take one day at a time, talk to people on here, the preg forum is full of lovely people who are non judgemental, some have been there. There is lots of time to adjust and if its what you want you will do and you will cope.

[vanillacremebrulee]

Hi i just wanted to say that no matter how many children you have already or whether you've been actively trying to get pregnant or it's an "accident", it's ALWAYS scary when you find out. I think it's entirely normal to freak out a bit. Cut yourself some slack, you'll be fine

[CountessOlenska]

I was the same age and felt the same. But I felt happier all of a sudden one night at a concert, at about 4 months, and then when baby was born can safely say was best thing ever.

Didn't much enjoy being pregnant tho Felt very weird.

[LillianGish]

I felt exactly like you - then miscarried my first pregnancy. That put all those feelings into perspective and as soon as I'd got over the miscarriage we started trying again. Everything you feel at the moment is entirely valid - I was shocked at how easily I became pregnant (I thought it would take months of trying) and everything you say about life changing and nothing ever being the same again is entirely true. All I can say is that the moment my daughter was born I couldn't think what I'd been worrying about - life did change, but I didn't care and I wouldn't want my old life back for anything. You've got nine months to get used to the idea, but absolutely nothing prepares you for the way you'll feel when your baby arrives. Fantastic to hear that your dh is so enthusiastic - much simpler for dads imo as they don't have to feel anxious about giving birth (don't worry about that - I did and what a waste of time that was - two best days of my life when dd and then ds were born). One thing which really helped me come to terms with the pregnancy was finding out the sex of my baby and giving her a name so that by the time she arrived I felt we were meeting someone we already knew - that goes double for the birth of ds two years later when my dd arrived at the hospital and greeted him like an old friend. Good luck to you - best thing I ever did.

[blondiep14]

Totally agree Vanilla. We had been trying for DC3 and I still freaked out when I got the poitive test!
DH was most bemused!

[minitoot]

Hi. I have a similar story to you. I'm 34, my husband's 43, and exactly like you "We said that we'd try to get pregnant, but didn't go out of our way to become pregnant. We just said that if it happens that would be great, but if it doesn't we will deal with that too." I am also the first of my close friends to become pregnant. I always said that I didn't want kids at all, for all kinds of reasons. I was really passionate about not wanting kids, I resented the idea of having my freedom taken away and being made responsible for someone else and feeling that I wouldn't matter any more, I'd just be a slave to a stranger for the rest of my life...

When I realised I was pregnant I went from denial to thinking 'oh no, what have I done?' and not wanting it to be true. The day I did the pregnancy test I was in such a state of miserable anxiety that I made my husband read the result because I didn't want to see it if I was pregnant. I really felt sick with horror at the idea of being pregnant. Unstoppable conveyor belt is about right.

But within about two weeks, my feelings had changed completely and without any effort on my part to think positively. I am now so happy to be pregnant and I know if I lost the baby I would be really, really upset. We are even talking about DC2 and wondering why we didn't get started earlier! (I know this is a tad optimistic, I'm only 21 weeks and no doubt we'll feel differently once we're changing nappies :)) I think it just takes some time to sink in. Especially when you're like me (and like you, I guess) and have never felt especially broody or that you somehow need a child to complete your life, I think it takes some time for the maternal instinct to kick in. Honestly - if I can feel genuinely happy to be pregnant, anyone can!

[NewMomRYM]

Thanks everyone so much for your responses. I guess 2 days is not really a long time to get used to the idea of being pregnant, so I'll try to give myself a little more time to adjust to the idea. :) Minitoot - sounds like we're in the same pot. I'm glad that your feelings changed. that does give me some hope. PS - I am not familiar with the acronyms that people are using, such as DD or DC, etc. I wish I could drink something I like, like: ,
Again, you're also kind, and it means a lot you took the time to read my post and respond to it! :)

[hippysair]

I have two dc, both were planned. Yet when i tested positive. I had the same reactions, omfg what have i done? Love them both more than I could ever imagine and so glad (and lucky) to have them both.

[SoozyWoozy]

Another similar story :)

I had problems getting pregnant and had experienced two losses. I was pleased but terrified when I got my first positive test, but put it down to fear of another loss. I had an early scan which confirmed that the pregnancy was in the right place and all was ok. Theoretically, and especially with my history, I should have been jumping with joy, but I wasn't. I just remember thinking, I can't do this. Now I know I can get pregnant, I don't want to be, I want to have fun and wait longer.

My DD is now 8 and I can honestly say my pregnancy with her was lovely. I loved her so much by the time she was born, I was fit to burst with emotion. I didn't suddenly feel that way, but as the pregnancy progressed (and particularly as she began moving around) I slowly and gradually fell in love.

As I'm now pregnant for the fourth time, it really can't have been all that bad! :)

Good luck

Suzy x

[DelGirl]

I had iui to have my dd, it was a traumatic time and I desperately wanted a baby. When I got a positive, I thought the same, what have I done etc. It didn't take long for that to change. Congratulations

[SeriouslyStrongCheddar]

I'm 36 and pregnant with our first - we were fortunate that it happened very quickly for us after deciding to try, but on the other hand there was no time to really adjust to the idea!

I'm just working on the basis that life and baby will mesh; if we want to do something badly enough, we'll find a way to do it with baby. Life will continue although some adaptation of hobbies will be required...whether I can practice bass guitar with a baby in a sling remains to be seen....

Not sure how it works for other folk, but I've found that by now (20 wks) I'm kind of over the 'oooh, I'm pregnant' bit as I thought about it so much at the start, especially when the tiredness and nausea were bad. I did have long and involved debates with myself about what I'd got myself into and what on earth I thought I was doing, but that was mainly when I was feeling rough. Early on, the fact I was pregnant was like a constant background noise that I couldn't think beyond and that, in itself, was enough to make me worry ('oh my god, what am I doing, all I am now allowed to think about is being pregnant / baby / consequences thereof, so my life will never be the same again'). Now it just kind of pops into my mind occasionally and then pops out again! Guess I've had time to internalise the idea and it's now just part of reality for me - I needed time for it to become something I feel in my heart rather than something I know in my head, if you know what I mean.

Actually, after I got over the shock of the positive test (although, to be honest, I already knew I was pregnant by how I felt) I've found I'm more relaxed and laid back than normal - which is weird 'cause I expected to be a complete psycho with all the hormones as I'm normally quite a stressy control freak!

Try to give yourself the space to get used to the idea without focussing on it too much. Take it day by day - if you fancy thinking about the baby and the future for a bit on any given day, do it. If you don't - that's fine too; just take it day by day.

[buonasera]

I still feel like that sometimes, and I'm 25w pregnant with twins after 3 miscarriages and IVF. I'd like to be able to unstrap the bump sometimes - the feeling of not being able to get off the train is unsettling. And my other half was also well pleased right at the start - thing is I reckon it was easier for him then because he was thinking, oh, in 8 months there'll be a baby whereas for me it was, I'm pregnant RIGHT NOW. I noticed (with some schadenfreude) that he got the willies big time after the 12 week scan and definitely in recent weeks when we've been at antenatal classes and buying baby stuff. Sometimes it does all get a bit overwhelming.

Can I recommend a book? "Child of Our Time: Early Learning" by Tessa Livingstone. It's about how babies and children learn, and there are lots of examples of things they do and how their heads work and so on. I've found that it makes me look forward to having kids in the house, rather than small babies - it's the late pregnancy/early months that really freak me out, hospital and breastfeeding and all of that. I'd like to fast forward to the point where I'm fit for riding my bike again, and they're big enough to look me in the eye.

[Mikocat]

NewMom - in many ways your story is similar to mine, I'm also 38 and pregnant with my first child. Husband (DH) is 40.

I've never been a maternal person, not that keen on other people's babies and didn't want to hold them in case I dropped them - I'm pretty sure/hopeful that I'll be better with my own though! :)

I didn't really believe my first test result and ended up doing another one two days later, it's just SO hard to get your head around. Even then I don't think I really believed it until I had a scan around 9 weeks and saw it on the screen. DH on the other hand just seemed to accept it straight away! Maybe it is easier when it's not happening to your body!

Sometimes I still have these 'What am I doing?' thoughts. I worry that I won't have any more nights out or lie-ins or holidays abroad, but then I think that every single person I know with kids has told me that it's ALL worth it. Times a million.

And hey! At least I don't have to worry that I'll resent the baby taking the best years of my youth - because they are all behind me anyway :)

[littlepina]

Hi OP

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

Im 31, live with my lovely boyfriend. We had a chat a few months ago and decided we couldn't be arsed getting married but we both wanted kids so we decided to just stop taking the pill and see what happened.

Quite what I imagined might happen I'm not sure!?! Anyway, OBVIOUSLY, three weeks later I thought ' I feel a bit weird....'

I cried every day for two weeks after I got the positive result. And Im not talking a bit of a sniffle and leaky eyes, I'm talking snot-covered sobbing. I'm talking had to stop and buy some wet wipes on the way to work because I was completely tear stained and unpresentable.

My boyfriend was shocked as well but mainly ecstatic... bastard.

I felt sorry for the GP when I went to see her, there was tear stained me, my beaming boyfriend, the poor woman didnt know which leaflet to give me if you know what I mean. Eventually after literally 30 seconds looking between the two of us to try and read the situation she was like.. . 'Is this a good thing?, I replied ' Well, Ive stopped crying every day '.

I found it quite tricky to cope with other people's happiness about it as well. When I went home to see my family at christmas I made my sister tell my parents because I couldnt hack it. I just had to say I felt a bit weird about the whole thing and didnt really want to talk about it.

Ive had two scans now and seen the little monster moving around, I have to say still not THAT into the whole idea!

Anyway, it does get better. 14/40 now and plodding along. I think part of it is just the tiredness and feeling generally like you have leukaemia which comes with the first trimester. I perked up massively once I hit 12 weeks and started to feel more positive about it. I'm not you know, overjoyed, by the whole situation but Ive moved up to feeling pretty neutral about it.

Think part of it is just the shock, were constantly barraged with 'it will take ages... you might have problems....' That it really just did NOT occur to me that it might happen straight away.

The other thing is you cant really factor in the 'love' that you supposedly feel for your baby so it just looks like grim hard work.

Anyway, chin up, hopefully youll feel better soon. Its quite cool to be really relaxed about the pregnancy as well, Ive taken the whole 'lets just see what happens... ' ethos with me.

[Fishandjam]

newmom, you're not alone. I became pregnant with my lovely son at age 35 (he was born when I was 36). Although it was a planned pregnancy, it was still a shock and I spent many sleepless nights wondering what I would be giving up, how my life would change etc. I'm not a naturally maternal kinda gal and had often thought I wouldn't want to sprog at all. TBH I was a bit terrified of being totally useless at the whole thing. I spent the entire pregancy not really being able to think much beyond giving birth!

But, I wouldn't swap my son, and my life now, for a bloody big clock. All the mushy stuff that you read/hear about falling head over heels in love with your child - well, it's true. Doesn't necessarily happen immediately (well it didn't for me anyway) but happen it does. Yes, it's often brutally hard work (especially when sleep deprivation is thrown in) but I've really come to understand the meaning of the word 'joy'.

Your life DOES change, there's no two ways about it; we can no longer just nip out for a few beers and a curry, or decide on the spur of the boozy moment to crash at a friend's house... but it's ceased to matter. My life has changed, but so have my priorities and outlook.

Oh yes - and I'm now expecting no 2, aged 38. So it's not put me off in the slightest (and that's coming from someone who thought she'd have just the one...)

[Kellywestie]

Hi, I was 41, been married 11 years, great job flying around the world and not planning on having children when we found out we were expecting. The shock, bordering on devastation I felt at first was awful but over the next couple of weeks the tears, fears, how will I cope feelings (only child, never been around babies) subsided and the wondrous first scan, seeing this tiny human relying entirely on me, was an epiphany.

This is the most life changing thing you will ever do, yes your life as it is currently will change, I know mine did, but that's what life is about this will be a new chapter. Life won't stop it will just be different with lots of challenges, fun, hopes, fears but above all love - there is no greater feeing in the world than when our now 10 year old DS unexpectedly gives us a hug and says 'I love you Mummy or Daddy'.

Hope all the responses on here help you realise you are not alone in these feelings - lots of us been there and happily come out the other side and there is lots of support for you.

[Newmomsi39]

Hi newmom,
I'm so glad I got to read your post because I have been feeling the same way. I am 38 and pregnant with my first. My husband and I had a laid back outlook on having children.. if it happened, it happened. Well, it happened and at first I was happy and then about 24 hours later I was devastated. We live comfortable, had the opportunity to travel and pretty much come and go as we please. I've worked hard on accepting that life is going to change. I'm about 9 weeks and feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I feel guilt for feeling such a way, but I find some solace is talking about it with others. It seems to help. You're not alone. It's scary, but I tell myself, many people do it and never look back. I dont do well with change. Everytime I had to face change I get anxiety, cry, and question everything. My husband is reassuring and excited about it. He has always reassured me that things will be ok... and they have been. It always worked out. Sometimes in life we want calculated answers and plans, but trust in the universe and your higher being that things happen for a reason. I'm still coping and trying to accept it so I'm here if you want to chat and vent. It's not easy.

[Delbelleber]

@newmomsi39 where did you find it its from 2012

[Newmomsi39]

I found the site through google. I randomly googled emotions during pregnancy and this site popped up. I enjoyed reading other peoples stories and thought it would be nice to be able to chat with others..and then I saw it dated back to 2012. It was a great read and It helped me realize i wasnt alone :)

[Terrified34]

Hi @Newmomsi39

Thank you for sharing your story here...I am in the same situation...wasn’t sure if I wanted a baby or not, said let’s try and it happened straight away.

I am not only totally overwhelmed and terrified but I have so much anxiety I haven’t been able to sleep the past 2 weeks. I am 7 weeks now and booked an appointment to an abortion clinic tomorrow, for counselling. I don’t know what to do, I feel torn between what I feel is the “right” thing to do (keeping it) and what I feel I “want” (not being pregnant or changing my life). People on other blogs and a couple of friends I spoken to in real life said it will get better but I can’t seem to make a decision, and I only calm down when I am able to forget for few minutes that I am pregnant... I didn’t expect this to be my reaction and I can’t help thinking that if I feel this way I shouldn’t have it... it reassures me to know I am not the only one to feel this way, however I feel I am worst as I can’t change my mind and force myself to accept it... how did you calm down and felt you need to trust things as they are?